KIARA:
It was getting out of hand.
My father was breathing down my neck to have them delivered. Every time my cell phone rang, day or night, I knew he wanted to see me. And I had what I wanted. I knew how to end it, right now. But the knowledge of what I was about to do to them struck me with every moment that I watched them. Emotions. Weakness. Toward all of them, but one in particular. My father knew it. I could hear it in his voice. He knew my weakness.
Damn it!
He was right. God, I hated that he was right! Every accusation he had made... I could feel it manifesting as I watched them interact. Pity. Sympathy. And... what? Love? Damn it!
I knew everything I needed to know about them. I knew their weaknesses, and how to insert a wedge between them. I could destroy them. And I would. I would not give my father the satisfaction of seeing me fail, regardless of the cost. I could overcome my desires, even if I couldn't prevent them from forming.
I closed my eyes and sat on the edge of the bed, my face in my hands and my hair falling around me. I understood duty. Whether or not I wanted to carry out my mission was irrelevant. My father had charged me with delivering them. And I would do it. I refused to admit that he was right in his insults. But for my own sake, I knew I was going to have to de-personalize the attack. It would be too hard on me any other way. Every time I heard his voice...
Stop it, Kiara, I chastised myself. You can't love him. You will not love him! You don't even know him!
There were so many things I didn't know... I didn't even know myself...
My cell phone rang. I turned and stared at it. Again, it rang. I didn't have to answer it to know who it was. I sighed and laid back on the bed next to it, staring up at the ceiling as it continued to nag at me. Closing my eyes, I let it sing me to sleep.
LEONARDO:
"Are you sure?" I asked, concerned.
She smiled. "Leo, I can't stay here forever," she sighed, resting her hand on my arm. "I have to go back sometime."
"Yeah, but..." I protested.
She placed her finger over my lips. "Don't," she smiled. "I'll be fine, I promise."
"What if you're not, Kat? I don't want to leave you alone there."
"I won't be alone," she informed me. "Madonna's plane will be here in about an hour."
Madonna. I hadn't seen her in over almost two weeks. It felt like a year. I closed my eyes and pictured her. Katarina laughed, as if she could read my mind, and I felt her kiss me on the cheek. "I'll be okay," she assured me.
I opened my eyes and watched her shove the last of her clothes in her backpack. "If anything happens," I mumbled, "you know you can call us."
She turned and grinned at me. "I know."
I didn't like the sudden change in plans. And I didn't like the careless attitude she'd suddenly adopted. But I had a feeling I knew exactly what had caused it. "Kat..." I started.
She slung her backpack over her shoulder. "Yes?"
"Is this about Raph?"
She stared at me for a moment, a confused look on her face. "No," she finally answered. "What would make you think that?"
"It isn't about last night?"
Her eyes got wider, but she tried to hide her shock. "What about last night?" she laughed nervously.
"I, uh..." I sighed. "I know what happened... with you two. In the living room." I saw color creeping into her cheeks. "I, uh... walked in."
Her face flushed and she looked away, embarrassed. "Oh, god," she chuckled, trying to cover up the nervousness.
"It's okay," I tried to assure her, a little embarrassed myself. "I just want to make sure that... you know, that this isn't just... a reaction. That might cost you." She said nothing, just hid her face and flushed red. "I mean, I can talk to Raph and..." Still no answer. I wanted her to say something, but she only laughed nervously.
"You don't have to leave, Kat," I sighed. "Don't feel like you have to leave."
She stared at the floor for a moment longer, then brought her eyes to meet mine. "It's not like that," she reassured me, the color in her cheeks slowly fading. "I just... I don't belong here. And we both know that. It's time for me to move on."
I forced a smile and rested my hand on her shoulder. "You want me to walk you home?" I asked.
She shook her head. "No, I'll be fine. I know my way."
"You sure?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
I pulled her to me and gave her a hug. "Be careful," I whispered.
She hugged me back. "I will."
RAPHAEL:
"Excuse me?" I asked, shocked.
"You heard me," Leonardo answered seriously.
I stared at him, not sure what to say. It wasn't every day that Leo managed to shock me, but he sure as hell had done a good job this time! "You're kidding, right?" I laughed nervously.
"Raph, I saw you," he sighed.
I raised my eyebrows. "You saw me? What, were you spying on me?"
"If I was, would it change anything?"
I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He was dead serious. I glared at him. Maybe I'd been a little more drunk than I thought...
"Leo, I don't know what you thought you saw or when. But you're wrong."
He sighed. "Raph..." he pleaded.
Suddenly, I found anger welling up inside of me. "What the hell is wrong with you, Leo?" I yelled at him. "What if I was sleeping with her, huh? I don't see as that's any of your business, for one. And for another thing, it was you who wanted her here in the first place."
"I never thought you'd..."
"What do you care, anyways?" I cut him off, my voice rising as the anger built. "When I asked you if you were with her, you swore up and down that you weren't. So what the hell is your problem if I am? You can't use the 'putting you in danger' argument when you were the one who brought her down here!"
He looked away, but said nothing. And I suddenly realized what the heart of the problem was. "You just can't stand it, can you?" I demanded, taking a step closer. "You can't stand to think that something, anything could happen without your explicit permission. You gave your consent when you told her to stay!"
"You've known her for two weeks, Raph!" he reminded me.
"What the hell difference does that make?" I shot back. "And why is it any of your business? You can't control my life, Leo!"
He called something after me... something in Japanese. I didn't understand it, in my fury. But I knew it was some kind of insult. "Kissama!" I yelled back, storming out of the lair faster than he could register the retaliation.
***
She was sitting on the couch, curled up with a book when I came in through the window. I stood still, waiting for her to look up. If she glanced over the top of the book, she would see me. All she had to do was turn a page.
Suddenly, caught a glimpse of me. She jumped and the book slipped from her hands as she clutched her chest. "Raph!" she exclaimed, trying to catch her breath. "I didn't hear you come in!"
"You weren't supposed to," I told her.
She took a deep breath and laid back again, picking the book up off her lap. "How, exactly, do you know where I live?" she asked.
I didn't answer. She didn't need to know that. "We have to talk."
She cocked her head, an innocent look on her face. "About what?"
I rested my elbows on the back of the couch, folding my hands out in front of them. "I was..." I hesitated, "maybe a little more drunk than I thought I was last night. And I need you to be honest with me."
She stared at me, her gaze unwavering. "Did anything... happen?"
"Happen?" she asked, that damned innocent expression on her face.
"You know what I mean."
She smiled. "Oh, that."
I sighed. I wasn't in the mood. "Kat, I'm serious."
"No, Raph," she assured me. She sounded as if she were conversing about the weather. "Nothing happened. We just talked. Nice of you to ask though."
Her voice held no hint of sorrow or nervousness. She wasn't embarrassed by the question, so I didn't bother to act embarrassed either. I said nothing. I just turned and walked away, not totally sure if I believed her, not totally sure what I wanted to believe. She didn't follow me.
MADONNA:
"Mixing business with pleasure?" I asked, towel-drying my hair as he slipped out the window.
Katarina looked over her shoulder. "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.
I grinned. "You've always been all business with guys. Could it be that someone is finally managing to get under your skin?"
"Hardly," she mumbled under her breath, looking away.
"What happened last night, Kat?" I teased.
She sighed and looked away. "Nothing happened," she corrected.
I dropped the towel over the back of a chair and sat on the back of the couch, raising one leg in front of me and using the one on the floor for balance. "Okay, so what didn't happened?"
She glanced at me, a pathetic look on her face. "I'm playing him, okay? It's not like you think."
"Why?" I questioned, somehow not surprised.
"Because, Madonna, I want to get into his head."
I sighed. "That's all you've ever wanted, isn't it?" I questioned. "You've never been in love in your life. You just tease guys, and one of these days, it's gonna bite back."
"Yeah, well, I've heard that before."
I studied her carefully. "He likes you, Kat," I informed her. "You two would be cute together if you could ever get over yourself."
She laughed cynically. "Yeah, for what, two weeks? Maybe not even that long?"
I laid back, resting my head on the couch. My wet hair fell over the leather and I considered sitting back up. But I chose not to.
"I'm not like you, Madonna," she reminded me. "I can't love one of them. I don't have that option, okay?"
I sighed. "Neither do I," I reminded her.
She didn't answer. "You gonna go see Leo tonight?" she finally asked.
I hesitated. "I don't know."
"Waiting for him to come here?" she replied slyly.
I closed my eyes, and said nothing.
"You gonna tell him?"
"Tell him what?"
"That you can't see him anymore?"
"Don't," I pleaded, knowing exactly where she was going with this.
"Don't what?"
I glanced at her. "You know what."
She nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do. And that's why I'll never love one of them."
"Would you if circumstances were different?" I asked.
"Would you?"
"I'd spend the rest of my life with Leo if I could, Kat," I told her. I didn't have to think about that.
She looked away. "That's a long time."
"Yes."
She sighed. "You couldn't hide from it forever, Madonna, you knew that. You knew what would happen when he found out."
"I know," I shot at her. "Don't remind me."
She raised her hand and placed it on my lower leg, near where her head was. "I'm sorry you have to be hurt in this," I mumbled. "Leo's a good guy."
"God, Kat, you have no idea," I mumbled. "I've never felt love like he makes me feel. He doesn't even have to try."
I closed my eyes again, turning my face toward the ceiling. "Would you tell him?" I asked after a long silence. "If you were in my position?"
"You don't have much of a choice, Madonna."
"No, I mean..." I turned to look at her. "... tell him everything. The reason why. That I'm..."
I couldn't finish. "You're what?" she challenged
"You know what I mean," I whispered, feeling the tears sting.
She hesitated. She did know. She knew as well as I did. Still, I couldn't help but feel incredibly alone. "Do you love him?"
"Yes," I breathed, without having to think about it. There was no question in my mind that I loved Leonardo.
"Then don't tell him," she answered. "You'll only break his heart. And that'll make it harder."
I felt tears sting my eyes as I considered the thought. "I hate duty," I whispered.
"Your honor or your love," she mumbled, sounding disinterested. "Tough choice, isn't it?"
It was sarcasm, and I knew it. She'd never been in love. She had no idea how hard it was to make that choice.
Neither one of us said anything for a long time. Then I felt a foreign presence enter the room. It wasn't Leo, although part of me wished it was. Kat got up and left. I held my eyes closed as I felt him approach. He didn't say a word. I breathed deep, trying to drown out the pain as he ran his hands down my arms. Sharp talons at his fingertips drew blood and tears stung my eyes.
"Please," I whispered helplessly as he leaned down and kissed me.
LEONARDO:
I lay on my back, staring up at the high ceiling. Raph still wasn't back. I doubted he would be for another two or three hours, at least. More likely, he wouldn't show up until around 2:30, after last call. Donny and Mikey were asleep. Kat was gone. I was alone.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, thinking about the argument. He was right. It was really none of my business if he was sleeping with Kat. Hell, if he wanted to sleep with every girl that crossed his path, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. But I thought he'd gotten over that after the last time...
It wasn't really about the danger. I told him it was, and I stuck by my argument, because it was the best one I had. But the fact of the matter was, I knew Raph wasn't stupid. Yes, it was dangerous for people to know about us. But as much as I hated how impulsive and irrational he got sometimes, I trusted him not to put our lives in danger. He'd sacrifice our comfort without a second though. But he wouldn't endanger our lives. I knew he took precautions. Not that he ever admitted that. It would flaw his otherwise perfect "asshole" image.
Although I could never admit it to his face, all I really wanted was to protect him. But I couldn't protect him. It wasn't my place. He was a big boy now, capable of making his own decisions. There was nothing I could do to stop him even if I knew those decisions were wrong.
Man, what's your problem, Leo? I chastised myself, realizing how ridiculous I was being. Kat's not like his other fly-by-night girlfriends. She'd be good for him. And she'd be good to him. You know that.
Still, I wasn't comforted. It was too soon. And really, I wasn't sure who I was more concerned about, Raph or Kat. I hoped she wasn't looking for a long-term, serious relationship with him, or she was going to be the one hurt. Badly.
I felt something strange. Something wasn't familiar. I sat up and looked over the back of the couch. The room was silent and still. Shadows moved along the wall, cast by the flickering candle on the coffee table. Convinced that there was no threat, I laid back down and closed my eyes, breathing deeply. I concentrated on the darkness and felt the breath enter and exit my lungs.
"Boo!"
I jumped and my eyes flew open. Madonna was leaning over the back of the couch, smiling down at me. All thoughts of Raph were immediately gone and I didn't care how she'd managed to get in without me seeing her. I sat up and kissed her before I even realized what I was doing. She slipped one hand behind my neck and ran the other over my bent leg, which was leaning against the back of the couch. Behind her, I saw a shadow move toward an open bedroom door and I pulled away instinctively. She turned, following my gaze. "Kat," she answered the silent question. "She brought me here."
That would explain how she found her way. She'd only been here twice before. A door closed. Madonna kissed me again. I found her hands with mine and led her around the couch. She sat on the edge and bent over me, her beautiful blond hair falling around my face.
Unexpectedly, she jabbed at my sides. I cried out, surprised, and grabbed her wrists. She laughed as she jerked away and fell, pulling us both to the floor. "Why do you do that?" I laughed.
She smiled in reply.
"You know, you're the only one in the world who knows I'm ticklish."
"Mmm," she grinned. "Don't I feel special?"
I kissed her, and the humor vanished. A seriousness swept over us. Almost... sadness. "I'm so sorry, Leonardo," she breathed against my lips.
"For what?" I asked
"For everything."
I pulled away and stared at her for a moment. "The sins of the world don't rest on your shoulders," I whispered, answering her.
She moaned quietly. "That doesn't mean I can't repent for them."
I sat up, taking her hands and pulling her with me. "What's wrong?" I whispered, concerned.
She didn't answer. Instead, she lunged at me. I turned and pinned her, confused by her mood swings but too happy to see her to really care. We kissed deeply and I felt her relax as my hands ran over her.
Suddenly, I heard a noise: someone clearing his throat. My head snapped up and I spun around. Raphael was standing behind the couch, his arms crossed over his chest. Oh no. For a long time, neither of us said anything. I lay still, covering Madonna with my body as it struggled to catch up with my mind in realization that she could no longer have my undivided attention. She was dressed. We weren't really doing anything. But I knew this looked bad. The look on my brother's face said more than words ever could.
"What... what are you doing here?" I finally choked, still trying to get over the shock.
"I live here, Leo, remember?" he shot at me. His voice was ice cold.
"I didn't expect you back yet," I choked.
"Obviously."
I sat up. I was met with a sword at my throat. My own katana, wielded by my brother. The anger in his eyes was evident in the soft orange glow from the single candle nearby. I felt the tip of the blade at my skin and blood trickled down my neck. I felt a stinging pain... and didn't move.
I suddenly remembered the trust walks we'd taken as children, blindly leading each other through the sewers. I trusted any one of my brothers with my life. After all, any freestyle sparring session could turn deadly with one slip of the hand. But this was a feeling like I'd never had before. I truly felt at his mercy. And at the moment, I didn't dare breathe.
"I outta kick your ass, Leo," he growled. I said nothing. "What do you think? Huh, great leader?" He turned the sword. I felt it dig into my skin, and more blood ran. I cringed at the pain and instinctively tried to pull back. But he followed me with the tip of the sword. Another centimeter, and he could easily pierce my trachea. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do. He was just as trained as I was. If he wanted to hurt me... hell, if he wanted to kill me, he was going to do it even if I did get out from behind this sword. It made it pointless to fight him. He was armed; I was caught totally off guard. I'd never be able to take him down.
"Don't ever let your guard down, Raph... remember that? Pay attention to everything, Raph," he mocked. "It's the opponent who appears below your level who will strike hard and unexpectedly. It's the person you deem harmless who will bring you down. Do you remember that?" He was yelling now. "Do you even remember that!"
He turned and flung the sword across the room. It skidded across the table, knocking over everything that had been resting there. Glass shattered as it hit he floor and the sword clanked against metal before dropping. Raphael vaulted over the back of the couch and before I could rise, he had me by the throat. I stumbled back, trying to regain my balance as he dragged me to my feet and slammed me against the wall. "How dare you," he whispered. I held my breath, unable to get air. "How dare you patronize me! You fight with me over Katarina... and you're foolin' around with some girl I've never even met in our living room!"
I couldn't breathe, much less speak. He was angry, probably drunk. Probably too drunk to realize that we hadn't even been doing anything. He threw me to the side, spinning to face Madonna. I struggled to regain my balance and catch my breath. He glared at her. God help him if he touched her.
"Who the hell is she, Leo!" he demanded, turning to me again. "How long have you been screwing her, and coming after me like I'm some child?"
I coughed, still struggling to regulate my breathing. "Raph," I gasped, "we weren't..."
"Fooling around?" he finished for me. "You gonna lie to me?"
"He didn't touch me," Madonna said in her own defense. "And I don't see what..."
"You shut up!" Raphael yelled at her. I tensed. He turned back at me. "Lie, Leonard," he taunted. "Go ahead. Lie about it? You sleeping with her?"
"No," she answered.
"Shut up!" he screamed. He turned to her, threatening, and I grabbed his hand as he raised it, spinning him around.
"Don't even think about it, Raphael," I growled, with an anger I hadn't known I posessed.
"Answer me," he snarled back. His eyes stayed on me. I didn't release my grip, even though I knew he'd forgotten about her. He was drunk. I could see it in his eyes.
I said nothing. We stared at each other, inches apart. "Lie to me," he taunted. "Go ahead, fearless leader. Tell me. Tell me I'm wrong."
I swallowed hard. "No," I whispered. "I won't."
He shoved me back and I let go of him. He sprang at me, pinning me to the wall. His breathing came hard and for a moment, it wavered. I looked up, shocked by the sound. In the flickering light, I thought I saw tears in his eyes. "How long, Leo?" he whispered. Had he been speaking above a whisper, he would've choked on the words. "Did Splinter know? Did you lie to him?"
I suddenly realized that he was crying. Raphael was crying! Oh, god, no. I knew how to deal with him when he was angry. But I had no idea what to say to him now. Never in my life had I seen him cry. I didn't know he could. I stood still, barely allowing myself to breathe.
"Dammit, Leo, answer me!" he yelled, drawing his weapons.
I stared at him, still shocked into silence. He was clenching the sais so hard, his hands shook. "No," I finally managed, the word sending a searing pain through my mind. "It was after."
He took in a few breaths. "How. Long. After," he demanded, his voice low and unsteady.
I closed my eyes. I wasn't sure I could explain, but I knew I didn't want to. I looked at Madonna. Her eyes darted back and forth between me and Raph as she clutched her arms over her chest. I saw Mike and Don emerge from their rooms almost simultaneously.
"So help me, Leo," Raph warned, "if you don't do some explaining right now, I'm gonna kick your ass so bad you'll remember it for the rest of your life!"
I took a deep breath and let it out slow, raising my eyes to meet my brother's. "A day," I admitted, still feeling the blood run from my throat. "Eight months ago we met."
Anger and pain surged through his body, so powerful that I could feel it radiating from him. I'd never seen him like this, and it scared me. He wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to get angry and violent, then he was supposed to storm out of the room and hate me, like he always did. He was not supposed to cry.
"A day," he repeated. "One day?"
His breath came in gasps now, and I looked back up at him. "You bastard," he choked. A single tear ran down his face. My heart wretched in my chest. "You bastard!"
He attacked. Instantly, Mike and Don were on him, holding him back. Donatello's hand went to my chest to prevent me from making a move, but I wasn't going to fight. Even if my brothers had not stepped between us, I would not have fought him. I wasn't going to run, either. Mike glanced back and forth between us his arm held out across Raph's shoulders, cutting him off. Don tried to pry the sais from his hands, but with a sudden burst of rage, he threw them both off of him and lunged toward me.
He was furious, but somehow he knew. He knew I wouldn't fight him. Guilt more powerful than anything I'd ever known had left me incapable of movement. I was shocked and numbed by his tears, and the fact that I had caused them. I never meant for this to happen... Not like this...
He didn't try hard enough to hurt me. Maybe he stopped himself, maybe he was just making a point. The former was more likely. I didn't imagine he was thinking clearly enough to decide to make a point. I blocked his direct attack easily and we stared at each other through our locked wrists, the sais crossing in the midst of them. Inches away, the pain in his eyes was so fierce it took the breath from my lungs.
Suddenly, he jerked away, threw the sais at Donatello's feet, and ran. They crashed against the cement and each other, ringing loudly off the high ceiling. I watched them fall. I watched him go. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Kat follow him.
