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Rei settled herself in front of the sacred fire and breathed deeply. The room was stifling hot, but she didn't notice, already deep in a trance. Her hands moved seemingly of their own volition into the sacred signs that called the spirits of the fire.
"Great spirits of the sacred fire, show me who the great danger to the senshi is now!" Immediately she was drawn into a vision. Even in her trance she was surprised; it almost never happened that quickly.
In her vision she floated along a shady suburban street. This looks familiar somehow... She stopped in front of a normal two story house.
That's Usagi's house! Her view focused on a single window, and then she was moving inside. It was Usagi's room. Pictures and manga were scattered everywhere, and there was Luna, napping on the unmade bed. But where was Usagi?
Rei moved past Usagi's room and into the hall. The door that Rei knew led to the bathroom was closed. But that was no deterrent for Rei. Usagi was sitting on the edge of the tub. What is she doing... She moved closer. There was a flash of - what was that?
Usagi's face was streaked with tears, and her shoulder shook. Before Rei could even wonder what was wrong, she saw that flash again. Though Rei was not connected to her body she had the feeling of her gorge rising.
Usagi was holding a knife.
Rei watched in horror as Usagi brought the knife to the inside of her left forearm. Again and again Usagi cut her arm.
Rei looked closer and truly thought that her body back at the shrine would throw up. Usagi's whole arm was a mess of cuts, scabs, and scars. Rei felt a cry rise in her throat and she ripped herself out of her trance. She stumbled to her room and threw on some street clothes. Sobbing and holding her hand against her mouth, Rei ran out of the shrine and into the night.
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Usagi tied the last of her bandages and tugged the sleeve of her sweater down. She splashed some cold water on her face and checked her appearance. Her breathing was normal again.
It was amazing how cutting calmed her.
It hadn't completely done its charm tonight, but at least she was able to act calm.
It was impossible to forget Mamoru. Was it only three days ago that they had been fighting? She walked into her room and picked up a manga for Luna's sake. Mamoru, Mamoru ... Mamo-chan. She smiled both in happiness and sadness at the thought. She would never get to call him that out loud, but it couldn't hurt to call him that in her own mind.
For the first time in months she began to daydream. If she wasn't Sailor Moon... She shook her head. But she was. Tonight could even be the night it would be all over. Zoicite was dead, but that only meant that they would have to face someone more powerful next time. She had to protect the nizuishou. She had to find the princess. Mamoru would be a distraction, and he would make it harder to die for her duty when the time came.
Eventually she would die. It would be easier for Mamoru is they weren't . involved. It would be easier for her too.
She turned a page of the manga, not really reading it. Behind her, the door to her room opened. She sighed. Shingo knew she didn't want to be disturbed. She turned around to yell at him to get out and froze.
It wasn't Shingo.
Rei stood in her doorway, eyes red, hair disheveled, tears stains on her face.
She knew. Somehow she knew. Usagi backed up, trying to put as much distance as she could between them in a last ditch effort to save herself. But Rei wouldn't allow that to happen.
"Luna, could you please give Usagi and me a moment?"
"Rei, what is going on?" Luna demanded.
"Just give us a moment please," Rei repeated. Glancing at Usagi, then Rei, Luna walked warily out of the room. Rei shut the door behind her. Usagi flattened herself against the wall.
"Roll up the sleeve of your sweater," Rei said, walking across the room. Usagi felt panic descending upon her. She pushed up the sleeve of the sweater on her right arm. "The other one," Rei said. "You know I mean the other one!" Usagi shook her head. She could make one last effort, maybe Rei didn't know for sure.
"Usagi, do it, or god as my witness I will burn it off." Usagi closed her eyes in defeat. Her secret was out now.
Keeping her eyes closed, she pushed up the left sleeve of her sweater. Rei was less than a foot away from her now. They both looked at the bandages that covered Usagi's forearm.
"Take them off," Rei said hoarsely.
"I - I can't!" Usagi said, choking back tears. Rei opened her mouth to protest but Usagi cut her off. "It will start bleeding again," she said softly, hanging her head. She suddenly felt Rei's arms around her; Usagi never thought she'd see the day when Rei would hug her.
"Oh god Usagi!" Rei sobbed. "Why are you doing this? What's happening?" Usagi awkwardly patted her back until her own tears started again and they cried in each other's arms until they had no tears left.
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They opened the large bay window and sat dangling their legs in the cool autumn air. Sometimes a breeze would stir their hair slightly. Finally Usagi spoke.
"I can't really explain it to you," she said softly. "I want to, and I'm going to try my hardest, but I don't know if I have the words." She took a deep breath.
"This is going to be impossible to understand if you don't feel it too, but just trust me when I say it's what I'm feeling. I cut because . well, I cut for three reasons. One is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain." Rei cautiously nodded her head. "And I cut to feel," Usagi continued.
"What do you mean?" Rei interrupted. Usagi turned and Rei shivered at the deadness she saw in her eyes.
"What's worse?" she asked. "Cutting? Or not caring enough to cut?" There was silence for a few seconds. "It's the apathy that's the problem," Usagi stated. "Cutting is the solution."
"But why the apathy, Usagi?" Rei asked desperately.
"It's hard to care when you don't believe you'll live to see your sixteenth birthday."
"What do you."
"Any day a rampaging youma could be the end of me. I don't want to die Rei-chan, but I'm being realistic. I'm not a good fighter, and the youma get stronger all the time."
"We would never let you die Usagi-chan, and neither would Tuxedo Kamen," Rei insisted.
"It's not your job to protect me! We have to protect the princess when we find her. I will gladly die to do that. I will gladly die to find her, and I will willingly give my life to protect the ginzuishou, but it all amounts to the same thing: I'll be dead. What's the point of school work, when I won't get to use it? What's the point of reading manga, when I won't even be able to read the end? What's the point of daydreaming when they'll never even have time to come true?"
"Why tonight?" Rei whispered. "Why did you cut tonight?"
"What's the point of falling in love if you'll never be able to enjoy it?" Rei's eyes widened.
"Wh-" But she was interrupted by the beeping of two communicators. Usagi swung her legs back into the room and pulled off her brooch.
"Let's go," she sighed.
"Wait, Usagi," Rei said, coming back into the room. "What's the third reason you cut?" Usagi paused and looked Rei in the eye.
"The third reason I cut is that I like it."
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Mamoru was awakened by a pain in his chest. "Sailor Moon." he groaned before he even opened his eyes. He immediately realized that he wasn't in his bed . he was asleep on something hard and scratchy. "Usagi," he said, remembering suddenly. He got up from where he had fallen when he fainted. The pain in his chest was acute now, he didn't have time to think of Usagi, when there was evil to fight and Sailor Moon needed him.
His transformation steadied him and soon he was flying over the Tokyo rooftops. Whatever linked him to Sailor Moon pulled him to a random street in Juuban. From a block away he could hear the screams of the youma.
"Vengence for Zoicite!" Uh-oh, Tuxedo Kamen thought. A monster with a grudge. This can't be good. As soon as he saw the battle he swept down to whisk Sailor Moon out of the way path of a particularly nasty blast of dark energy. She was out of breath from the aparently strenuous battle she had been engaging in before he got there.
"Thanks Tuxedo Kamen-sama," she said.
"Go get him," he said, refraining from his customary corny speech. He didn't think she needed it after the display of her strength in the last battle. She ran back to the battle, and within a few minutes the youma was a pile of dust already being scattered by the wind.
The senshi stood silently for a few moments, and Tuxedo Kamen watched them. Usually he fled as soon as the youma was taken care of, but tonight he found it easier to be in this form. He didn't think about Usagi as much.
"Well let's go home and try to get some sleep," Sailor Moon said, finally. She backed away from the spot where the youma had disintegrated and then turned towards Tuxedo Kamen to go home. Behind her, the senshi were going their own separate ways, but Tuxedo Kamen could only focus on one thing:
Sailor Moon's eyes. They were incredibly blue.
And they were dead.
Just like Usagi's.
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Mamoru hurried to the arcade checking his watch. A physics project had kept him at school longer than he intended. Can't miss her, can't miss her, he chanted in his mind. He quickened his pace. You know they have a name for someone like you, another voice in his mind said acidly. Stalker.
He rounded a corner and there she was! But she was leaving. Mamoru swore. Rei was with her, and as he got closer he could hear their conversation.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Rei asked.
"You can't follow me all day Rei. I can't make any promises, but I will try," Usagi answered.
"I'm just worried about you Odango."
"I know you are. Thank you for your concern, but this is something I have to deal with myself." Usagi walked away neutrally. Her odangos didn't bounce, neither did they droop . Mamoru shook his head and hurried to catch Rei before she could get too far.
"Rei! Wait a second!" Rei turned around and seemed very surprised to see him running towards her.
"What is it Mamoru-san?" she asked.
"I need to talk to you about Usagi." Rei nodded, but her eyes were fully of despair. Mamoru was convinced that she was the one he need to talk to. He led her to a bench on the side of the road.
"Did she tell you about what happened . between us?" Mamoru asked, his throat tight. It was still nearly impossible to think about that. Rei nodded. "I know something's wrong with her Rei, and I need to know what. It's her eyes," he said softly. "You can tell something's wrong because of her eyes."
"I want to tell you what's wrong with her Mamoru-san. But I can't." Mamoru stiffented. "I made a promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone, and it's a promise I can't break. It's her secret to tell."
"Please Rei," Mamoru begged. Rei shook her head and stood up.
"Please don't tempt me to go back on my word Mamoru." She began to walk away.
"Rei!" Mamoru stopped her with his voice. She turned around. "I love her."
"I know you do Mamoru-san," Rei said softly, looking at the ground. She met his gaze. "Usagi wears long sleeves, even though we can still wear our summer uniforms. In fact, you might want to think, Mamoru-san, about the last time you saw her wear short sleeves." She ran down the street and soon was out of Mamoru's sight.
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Usagi sat at her desk and doodled halfheartedly. Damn her for trying to make Rei happy. She was torturing herself. She tried to keep her mind on the lines in front of her, but it kept drifting to the bathroom where, buried beneath masses of scruchies and hair pins was her knife. She had finally decided to forget doodling and forget Rei too, when she heard her window open behind her. Slowly she turned around.
"Mamo - I mean, Tuxedo Ka - no, Mamoru. Oh my god." The man who was now climbing through her window had Mamoru's face, but she would recognize that tuxedo and cape anywhere. The only things missing were the domino mask and top hat. The only things that hid Mamoru's face from her were gone. She nearly fell back into her chair.
"I'm glad to see you recognize me, Sailor Odango," he said with a quirky grin.
"What are you doing here?" Usagi asked, taking a few steps away from him. His face lost all trace of humor.
"Lift up your sleeve Usagi-chan." Usagi shoved herself against the wall.
"No! Not again," she groaned. "I won't! You already know what's there, if you're asking me. Yes! You're right! Happy?"
"Of course not Odango Atama! How can I be happy when you're hurting yourself? I care about you! Why are you doing this?" He stalked towards her.
"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Usagi screamed, tears streaking her face. "It's none of your business and it doesn't matter anyway!" He grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him.
"How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters!" Usagi didn't answer him, only tried to pull her wrists from his grip. Suddenly Mamoru understood. How could he not, when he had felt the same thing so many times?
"You're not going to die, Sailor Moon," he said fiercely. "I will never let that happen!" Usagi pulled her hands free.
"There are more important things you have to do! There's the princess and the ginzuishou! They have to be protected!"
"They mean nothing to me if you're dead Usagi-chan!"
"But they mean something to me!" Usagi yelled. "My purpose is to protect them, and yes, to die for them if need be. But I at least want my death to mean something! What would I have died for if everything falls apart after I'm gone?"
"Usagi," Mamoru said brokenly, dropping to his knees. "You are more important to me than any princess or any crystal. I would give them both up if it meant saving you." Usagi suddenly had an inkling of just how much that meant. She fell to knees in front of him.
"You can't do that Mamoru!" she said, her eyes almost wild. "No matter what, you can't let the Dark Kingdom get the ginzuishou! That almost happened, with Zoicite. You were about to give up your nizuishou to save my life. You can't do that! I will kill myself before I let that happen!" Mamoru blanched, but Usagi didn't seem to notice. Seemingly from nowhere she pulled out a gleaming yellow crystal.
"I want you to hold onto this." Mamoru held up his hand to protest, but Usagi talked right over him. "You're far more capable of keeping it safe than I am. But first I want you to swear. Swear on this nizuishou that you will protect it, even if the cost is my life. Swear that you will not give these up to save me. Swear that the Dark Kingdom won't win!" Mamoru begged her with his eyes, implored her not to make him do this. But Usagi would not relent.
"I promise," he sobbed. Usagi sighed in relief and let her head fall onto his shoulder.
"Thank you. Mamo-chan."
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You're on your honor
'Cause I'm a goner
And you haven't even begun.
So do me a favor
If I should waver
Be my savior
And get out the gun
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Mamoru opened his eyes to the deep black of midnight shading his apartment. He stared at his ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. It was times like this that he thought he might understand Usagi.
A few minutes later his chest started tingling, and he thought it was just as well he wasn't going to go back to sleep tonight. Tuxedo Kamen's services were needed. He hauled himself out of his bed and transformed. There had been an increase in youma attacks lately. They didn't seem to want anything, just 'vengence for Zoicite.' He didn't give a shit about Zoicite, he was exhausted. Usagi was exhausted too. She almost never talked to him, but he could tell. He could tell by the way she walked, and the way her odangos were never straight, and they way she had stopped pretending around her friends.
But despite his exhaustion he ran as fast as he could to the battle site. He would not let Sailor Moon be in one second of danger. He had promised to protect the nizuishou over her life, so he just had to make sure it never came to that. Great, he thought as he came upon the battle. The park. How original.
He saw immediately that this wasn't just another battle. The senshi were burned, bloody and singed. Half of one of Sailor Moon's pigtails was gone, and Sailor Venus was limping because of a gash right across her knee.
They weren't fighting just another youma. The man opposing them had long white hair, steel eyes, and was dressed in a gray uniform. A general. He watched Sailor Jupiter throw one of her attacks at him, but he sent it right back at her. She dodged, just barely. The general didn't have a scratch on him. Not even his hair was mussed.
"I'll ask you one more time Sailor Moon, give me the nizuishou. It won't save your life, but maybe I'll make your death quick if you give it to me right now."
"Never, Kunzite. I would rather die first!" Kunzite smiled.
"Very well then." Faster than Tuxedo Kamen could have thought possilbe, he attacked with a ball of energy. Tuxedo Kamen was running to grab Sailor Moon out of the way, but it wasn't aimed at Sailor Moon. It hit the ground a few feet in front of her and was absorbed. There was a deep rumble and the earth shook beneath their feet. The section of ground beneath Sailor Moon jutted upwards and Sailor Moon flew off. Before Tuxedo Kamen could move to catch her Kunzite had teleported to her, and he now held her in his arms. Tuxedo Kamen swore silently.
"Do you want to save her Cape Boy?" Kunzite called out. "Show yourself!" Tuxedo Kamen stepped out from the brush and looked Kunzite in the eye. "You know what I want. Give them to me and perhaps I'll give her back to you." Not bloody likely, he thought. But he had to save her. He now realized that he didn't care about any promises. He wouldn't give up the nizuishou, but he wouldn't let her die. He pulled out two of the crystals that were in his pocket.
"Hand them over," Kunzite said, holding out one of his hands. Tuxedo Kamen looked at the crystals in his hand, then at Sailor Moon, then back at Kunzite.
"No."
"So be it!" Kunzite tossed Sailor Moon into the air. Tuxedo Kamen leaped, but before he could get halfway to her, a blast of darkness impacted her and propelled her backwards. She hit a tree and fell to the ground. She didn't move.
"No!!" Tuxedo Kamen screamed. He ran to her, but an energy sheild around her stopped him. "Usagi-chan! No!" Inside the crackling shield, Usagi's chest didn't move. She wasn't breathing. He was vaguely aware of the senshi screaming behind him, and of Kunzite laughing, but his whole world had narrowed to one girl's limp and unbreathing body. He collapsed to his knees. "Oh god no. Usagi-chan." Unnoticed tears made their way down his cheeks. His whole body shook with his sobs.
One small tear dripped off his chin and fell to the orange crystal he held in his hand. It began to glow.
At first he didn't notice it, wrapped up as he was in his grief. But it soon became impossible to ignore. Eyes wide he let go of the nizuishou and stepped back. They floated in the air, and now the green one was beginning to glow.
He felt a tug on his jacket, and the yellow nizuishou that Usagi had given him flew out of his pocket to join the other two. Kunzite gave a cry of indignation. The Dark Kingdom's four nizuishou were floating beside the senshi's three. All seven of them began to glow.
The senshi, Tuxedo Kamen, and Kunzite looked on in awe. What was about to happen? The nizuishou's glows brightened until they were painful to look at. Then there was a flash of pure white light, and Tuxedo Kamen was blinded.
When he finally blinked away all the dots in front of his eyes he saw it. The Ginzuishou, the silver crystal, was floating where the seven nizuishou had floated before.
"It's mine!" Kunzite cried triumphantly. Tuxedo Kamen was to dazed to try to stop him. He didn't need to. Kunzite was thrown back before his hands got within a foot of the ginzuishou. Energy crackled around it and it began to glow.
But that wasn't the only thing that was glowing.
Usagi's body was glowing. Tuxedo Kamen gave an inarticulate cry. Her body began to float. Tuxedo Kamen wanted to throw up. Her back was broken and her whole body was in a strange angle. She floated slowly to the ginzuishou. Tuxedo Kamen watched, fascinated, as one of her hands began to move; she still wasn't breathing. Her left hand reached up and grabbed the ginzuishou.
Silver light surrounded her and Tuxedo Kamen couldn't see through it. Something was happening in there, but he couldn't tell what. Some ways away Kunzite got shakily to his feet.
Ever so slowly the light began to dissipate. But what it revealed what not the broken body of a Sailor Senshi. It was Usagi, and yet not Usagi. She floated a few inches about the ground, but in an upright position. Her pigtail had been restored and both of them moved around her in some invisible breeze. She wore a long flowing white dress embroidered in gold. In her outstretched hands floated the ginzuishou.
"The Moon Princess," one of the senshi whispered behind him.
They jumped at the explosion behind them. Kunzite stood, eyes wild, hands ready to attack. "Give me the ginzuishou now."
The Moon Princess opened her eyes.
"This ends now," she said in a voice both like and unlike the voice of Usagi. All at once everything seemed awash in a silver glow. Kunzite screamed and turned to dust within seconds. Tuxedo Kamen felt it tingling around him and saw the wounds of all the senshi healing.
Finally the glow faded. The Moon Princess stepped onto the ground. She closed the ginzuishou in her hand and collapsed. Tuxedo Kamen was by her side in seconds. Usagi was Usagi again. The dress had disappeared and she wore her normal street clothes.
She opened her eyes slowly as Tuxedo Kamen bent over her. He nearly recoiled. For some reason he had expected the deadness to be gone. She stood with a little help from him. She looked at the senshi running towards her and his hand, which still held hers.
Then she ripped her hand away and ran off without a word.
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'Cause I'm just a problem
For you to solve and
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm
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Usagi slammed the door of the bathroom behind her and knelt on the cold tile floor, breathing hard.
She was alive. She had been dead and now she was alive. It was still painful to be alive. Every breath, every heartbeat hurt, having been dead for however long she had been dead.
She was the princess.
"Oh god," she moaned. She would never find release now. Now her duty was to be protected and live, not die protecting. She sobbed, tears splashing to the floor. The day she had longed for, the day she would die doing protecting the ginzuishou would never come now. She had been robbed of her death.
She stumbled to one of the counter drawers, still sobbing hopelessly. She rooted through hair notions and hand creams until she grasped it. She pulled out her knife out with a sob of triumph. She fell back to the floor.
She slashed at her arm quickly, but the knife never reached her flesh. Someone had grabbed her wrist from behind her.
"Usako," Mamoru whispered. She turned and buried her face in his chest, and he stroked her hair as she cried.
Behind them, the knife clattered to the floor, forgotten.
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When one act of kindness could be
Deathly .
Definitely.
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"The ending doesn't always have to be happy, it just has to have hope." -Kayla Chavi, "An Angel from Hell"
Author's Notes:
Wow. I can't believe that I finished this . in time! ::throws a party for herself:: What? Nobody else wants to join in?
Okay, fine. But there are things I need to say, and you can choose to read them or ignore them at your leisure. First, giving credit where credit is due. The song snippets are from the song "Deathly" by Aimee Mann. It is a wonderful song, and I highly recommend listening to it. Though I am inspired by music, I've never particularly liked songfics, and here I am writing one. Oops. I'd also like to point out that though I named the fic after Deathly, I wouldn't have been able to write it without the entire Magnolia soundtrack, especially the songs "Wise Up" and "Save Me".
Red Smith said, "Writing is easy. I just open a vein and bleed." It's when writing a story like this that I realize how true that is. The problem is, opening the vein can be hard, not to mention painful. And then there's the question of closing it again. In some ways this was a very easy story for me to write. And in other ways . it was very very hard. I can't tell you what to do if you have a friend who cuts, or if you cut yourself. There are high chances that even professional help will be of no help at all. All I can suggest is that you try to stay strong, and offer strength and a shoulder once in a while.
Thanks to all those people or things that inadvertantly inspired me: Alfred Hitchcock's 'Vertigo', The Counting Crows, Aimee Mann and P.T. Anderson and others.
Thanks to Ropa-chan, who read over the first part and gave me some very good advice. I hope you liked the way it turned out.
Thanks to Patch and Lelu. I don't know if you'll like the story, but you gave me confidence to keep writing - whatever it is.
Finally, this story is dedicated to all my friends who are, or at one time have been, Deathly: Chris, Kim, Autumn, Lisa, Steve, Russ, Greg, and especially Bob.
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Rei settled herself in front of the sacred fire and breathed deeply. The room was stifling hot, but she didn't notice, already deep in a trance. Her hands moved seemingly of their own volition into the sacred signs that called the spirits of the fire.
"Great spirits of the sacred fire, show me who the great danger to the senshi is now!" Immediately she was drawn into a vision. Even in her trance she was surprised; it almost never happened that quickly.
In her vision she floated along a shady suburban street. This looks familiar somehow... She stopped in front of a normal two story house.
That's Usagi's house! Her view focused on a single window, and then she was moving inside. It was Usagi's room. Pictures and manga were scattered everywhere, and there was Luna, napping on the unmade bed. But where was Usagi?
Rei moved past Usagi's room and into the hall. The door that Rei knew led to the bathroom was closed. But that was no deterrent for Rei. Usagi was sitting on the edge of the tub. What is she doing... She moved closer. There was a flash of - what was that?
Usagi's face was streaked with tears, and her shoulder shook. Before Rei could even wonder what was wrong, she saw that flash again. Though Rei was not connected to her body she had the feeling of her gorge rising.
Usagi was holding a knife.
Rei watched in horror as Usagi brought the knife to the inside of her left forearm. Again and again Usagi cut her arm.
Rei looked closer and truly thought that her body back at the shrine would throw up. Usagi's whole arm was a mess of cuts, scabs, and scars. Rei felt a cry rise in her throat and she ripped herself out of her trance. She stumbled to her room and threw on some street clothes. Sobbing and holding her hand against her mouth, Rei ran out of the shrine and into the night.
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Usagi tied the last of her bandages and tugged the sleeve of her sweater down. She splashed some cold water on her face and checked her appearance. Her breathing was normal again.
It was amazing how cutting calmed her.
It hadn't completely done its charm tonight, but at least she was able to act calm.
It was impossible to forget Mamoru. Was it only three days ago that they had been fighting? She walked into her room and picked up a manga for Luna's sake. Mamoru, Mamoru ... Mamo-chan. She smiled both in happiness and sadness at the thought. She would never get to call him that out loud, but it couldn't hurt to call him that in her own mind.
For the first time in months she began to daydream. If she wasn't Sailor Moon... She shook her head. But she was. Tonight could even be the night it would be all over. Zoicite was dead, but that only meant that they would have to face someone more powerful next time. She had to protect the nizuishou. She had to find the princess. Mamoru would be a distraction, and he would make it harder to die for her duty when the time came.
Eventually she would die. It would be easier for Mamoru is they weren't . involved. It would be easier for her too.
She turned a page of the manga, not really reading it. Behind her, the door to her room opened. She sighed. Shingo knew she didn't want to be disturbed. She turned around to yell at him to get out and froze.
It wasn't Shingo.
Rei stood in her doorway, eyes red, hair disheveled, tears stains on her face.
She knew. Somehow she knew. Usagi backed up, trying to put as much distance as she could between them in a last ditch effort to save herself. But Rei wouldn't allow that to happen.
"Luna, could you please give Usagi and me a moment?"
"Rei, what is going on?" Luna demanded.
"Just give us a moment please," Rei repeated. Glancing at Usagi, then Rei, Luna walked warily out of the room. Rei shut the door behind her. Usagi flattened herself against the wall.
"Roll up the sleeve of your sweater," Rei said, walking across the room. Usagi felt panic descending upon her. She pushed up the sleeve of the sweater on her right arm. "The other one," Rei said. "You know I mean the other one!" Usagi shook her head. She could make one last effort, maybe Rei didn't know for sure.
"Usagi, do it, or god as my witness I will burn it off." Usagi closed her eyes in defeat. Her secret was out now.
Keeping her eyes closed, she pushed up the left sleeve of her sweater. Rei was less than a foot away from her now. They both looked at the bandages that covered Usagi's forearm.
"Take them off," Rei said hoarsely.
"I - I can't!" Usagi said, choking back tears. Rei opened her mouth to protest but Usagi cut her off. "It will start bleeding again," she said softly, hanging her head. She suddenly felt Rei's arms around her; Usagi never thought she'd see the day when Rei would hug her.
"Oh god Usagi!" Rei sobbed. "Why are you doing this? What's happening?" Usagi awkwardly patted her back until her own tears started again and they cried in each other's arms until they had no tears left.
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They opened the large bay window and sat dangling their legs in the cool autumn air. Sometimes a breeze would stir their hair slightly. Finally Usagi spoke.
"I can't really explain it to you," she said softly. "I want to, and I'm going to try my hardest, but I don't know if I have the words." She took a deep breath.
"This is going to be impossible to understand if you don't feel it too, but just trust me when I say it's what I'm feeling. I cut because . well, I cut for three reasons. One is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain." Rei cautiously nodded her head. "And I cut to feel," Usagi continued.
"What do you mean?" Rei interrupted. Usagi turned and Rei shivered at the deadness she saw in her eyes.
"What's worse?" she asked. "Cutting? Or not caring enough to cut?" There was silence for a few seconds. "It's the apathy that's the problem," Usagi stated. "Cutting is the solution."
"But why the apathy, Usagi?" Rei asked desperately.
"It's hard to care when you don't believe you'll live to see your sixteenth birthday."
"What do you."
"Any day a rampaging youma could be the end of me. I don't want to die Rei-chan, but I'm being realistic. I'm not a good fighter, and the youma get stronger all the time."
"We would never let you die Usagi-chan, and neither would Tuxedo Kamen," Rei insisted.
"It's not your job to protect me! We have to protect the princess when we find her. I will gladly die to do that. I will gladly die to find her, and I will willingly give my life to protect the ginzuishou, but it all amounts to the same thing: I'll be dead. What's the point of school work, when I won't get to use it? What's the point of reading manga, when I won't even be able to read the end? What's the point of daydreaming when they'll never even have time to come true?"
"Why tonight?" Rei whispered. "Why did you cut tonight?"
"What's the point of falling in love if you'll never be able to enjoy it?" Rei's eyes widened.
"Wh-" But she was interrupted by the beeping of two communicators. Usagi swung her legs back into the room and pulled off her brooch.
"Let's go," she sighed.
"Wait, Usagi," Rei said, coming back into the room. "What's the third reason you cut?" Usagi paused and looked Rei in the eye.
"The third reason I cut is that I like it."
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Mamoru was awakened by a pain in his chest. "Sailor Moon." he groaned before he even opened his eyes. He immediately realized that he wasn't in his bed . he was asleep on something hard and scratchy. "Usagi," he said, remembering suddenly. He got up from where he had fallen when he fainted. The pain in his chest was acute now, he didn't have time to think of Usagi, when there was evil to fight and Sailor Moon needed him.
His transformation steadied him and soon he was flying over the Tokyo rooftops. Whatever linked him to Sailor Moon pulled him to a random street in Juuban. From a block away he could hear the screams of the youma.
"Vengence for Zoicite!" Uh-oh, Tuxedo Kamen thought. A monster with a grudge. This can't be good. As soon as he saw the battle he swept down to whisk Sailor Moon out of the way path of a particularly nasty blast of dark energy. She was out of breath from the aparently strenuous battle she had been engaging in before he got there.
"Thanks Tuxedo Kamen-sama," she said.
"Go get him," he said, refraining from his customary corny speech. He didn't think she needed it after the display of her strength in the last battle. She ran back to the battle, and within a few minutes the youma was a pile of dust already being scattered by the wind.
The senshi stood silently for a few moments, and Tuxedo Kamen watched them. Usually he fled as soon as the youma was taken care of, but tonight he found it easier to be in this form. He didn't think about Usagi as much.
"Well let's go home and try to get some sleep," Sailor Moon said, finally. She backed away from the spot where the youma had disintegrated and then turned towards Tuxedo Kamen to go home. Behind her, the senshi were going their own separate ways, but Tuxedo Kamen could only focus on one thing:
Sailor Moon's eyes. They were incredibly blue.
And they were dead.
Just like Usagi's.
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Mamoru hurried to the arcade checking his watch. A physics project had kept him at school longer than he intended. Can't miss her, can't miss her, he chanted in his mind. He quickened his pace. You know they have a name for someone like you, another voice in his mind said acidly. Stalker.
He rounded a corner and there she was! But she was leaving. Mamoru swore. Rei was with her, and as he got closer he could hear their conversation.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Rei asked.
"You can't follow me all day Rei. I can't make any promises, but I will try," Usagi answered.
"I'm just worried about you Odango."
"I know you are. Thank you for your concern, but this is something I have to deal with myself." Usagi walked away neutrally. Her odangos didn't bounce, neither did they droop . Mamoru shook his head and hurried to catch Rei before she could get too far.
"Rei! Wait a second!" Rei turned around and seemed very surprised to see him running towards her.
"What is it Mamoru-san?" she asked.
"I need to talk to you about Usagi." Rei nodded, but her eyes were fully of despair. Mamoru was convinced that she was the one he need to talk to. He led her to a bench on the side of the road.
"Did she tell you about what happened . between us?" Mamoru asked, his throat tight. It was still nearly impossible to think about that. Rei nodded. "I know something's wrong with her Rei, and I need to know what. It's her eyes," he said softly. "You can tell something's wrong because of her eyes."
"I want to tell you what's wrong with her Mamoru-san. But I can't." Mamoru stiffented. "I made a promise to her that I wouldn't tell anyone, and it's a promise I can't break. It's her secret to tell."
"Please Rei," Mamoru begged. Rei shook her head and stood up.
"Please don't tempt me to go back on my word Mamoru." She began to walk away.
"Rei!" Mamoru stopped her with his voice. She turned around. "I love her."
"I know you do Mamoru-san," Rei said softly, looking at the ground. She met his gaze. "Usagi wears long sleeves, even though we can still wear our summer uniforms. In fact, you might want to think, Mamoru-san, about the last time you saw her wear short sleeves." She ran down the street and soon was out of Mamoru's sight.
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Usagi sat at her desk and doodled halfheartedly. Damn her for trying to make Rei happy. She was torturing herself. She tried to keep her mind on the lines in front of her, but it kept drifting to the bathroom where, buried beneath masses of scruchies and hair pins was her knife. She had finally decided to forget doodling and forget Rei too, when she heard her window open behind her. Slowly she turned around.
"Mamo - I mean, Tuxedo Ka - no, Mamoru. Oh my god." The man who was now climbing through her window had Mamoru's face, but she would recognize that tuxedo and cape anywhere. The only things missing were the domino mask and top hat. The only things that hid Mamoru's face from her were gone. She nearly fell back into her chair.
"I'm glad to see you recognize me, Sailor Odango," he said with a quirky grin.
"What are you doing here?" Usagi asked, taking a few steps away from him. His face lost all trace of humor.
"Lift up your sleeve Usagi-chan." Usagi shoved herself against the wall.
"No! Not again," she groaned. "I won't! You already know what's there, if you're asking me. Yes! You're right! Happy?"
"Of course not Odango Atama! How can I be happy when you're hurting yourself? I care about you! Why are you doing this?" He stalked towards her.
"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Usagi screamed, tears streaking her face. "It's none of your business and it doesn't matter anyway!" He grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him.
"How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters!" Usagi didn't answer him, only tried to pull her wrists from his grip. Suddenly Mamoru understood. How could he not, when he had felt the same thing so many times?
"You're not going to die, Sailor Moon," he said fiercely. "I will never let that happen!" Usagi pulled her hands free.
"There are more important things you have to do! There's the princess and the ginzuishou! They have to be protected!"
"They mean nothing to me if you're dead Usagi-chan!"
"But they mean something to me!" Usagi yelled. "My purpose is to protect them, and yes, to die for them if need be. But I at least want my death to mean something! What would I have died for if everything falls apart after I'm gone?"
"Usagi," Mamoru said brokenly, dropping to his knees. "You are more important to me than any princess or any crystal. I would give them both up if it meant saving you." Usagi suddenly had an inkling of just how much that meant. She fell to knees in front of him.
"You can't do that Mamoru!" she said, her eyes almost wild. "No matter what, you can't let the Dark Kingdom get the ginzuishou! That almost happened, with Zoicite. You were about to give up your nizuishou to save my life. You can't do that! I will kill myself before I let that happen!" Mamoru blanched, but Usagi didn't seem to notice. Seemingly from nowhere she pulled out a gleaming yellow crystal.
"I want you to hold onto this." Mamoru held up his hand to protest, but Usagi talked right over him. "You're far more capable of keeping it safe than I am. But first I want you to swear. Swear on this nizuishou that you will protect it, even if the cost is my life. Swear that you will not give these up to save me. Swear that the Dark Kingdom won't win!" Mamoru begged her with his eyes, implored her not to make him do this. But Usagi would not relent.
"I promise," he sobbed. Usagi sighed in relief and let her head fall onto his shoulder.
"Thank you. Mamo-chan."
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You're on your honor
'Cause I'm a goner
And you haven't even begun.
So do me a favor
If I should waver
Be my savior
And get out the gun
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Mamoru opened his eyes to the deep black of midnight shading his apartment. He stared at his ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. It was times like this that he thought he might understand Usagi.
A few minutes later his chest started tingling, and he thought it was just as well he wasn't going to go back to sleep tonight. Tuxedo Kamen's services were needed. He hauled himself out of his bed and transformed. There had been an increase in youma attacks lately. They didn't seem to want anything, just 'vengence for Zoicite.' He didn't give a shit about Zoicite, he was exhausted. Usagi was exhausted too. She almost never talked to him, but he could tell. He could tell by the way she walked, and the way her odangos were never straight, and they way she had stopped pretending around her friends.
But despite his exhaustion he ran as fast as he could to the battle site. He would not let Sailor Moon be in one second of danger. He had promised to protect the nizuishou over her life, so he just had to make sure it never came to that. Great, he thought as he came upon the battle. The park. How original.
He saw immediately that this wasn't just another battle. The senshi were burned, bloody and singed. Half of one of Sailor Moon's pigtails was gone, and Sailor Venus was limping because of a gash right across her knee.
They weren't fighting just another youma. The man opposing them had long white hair, steel eyes, and was dressed in a gray uniform. A general. He watched Sailor Jupiter throw one of her attacks at him, but he sent it right back at her. She dodged, just barely. The general didn't have a scratch on him. Not even his hair was mussed.
"I'll ask you one more time Sailor Moon, give me the nizuishou. It won't save your life, but maybe I'll make your death quick if you give it to me right now."
"Never, Kunzite. I would rather die first!" Kunzite smiled.
"Very well then." Faster than Tuxedo Kamen could have thought possilbe, he attacked with a ball of energy. Tuxedo Kamen was running to grab Sailor Moon out of the way, but it wasn't aimed at Sailor Moon. It hit the ground a few feet in front of her and was absorbed. There was a deep rumble and the earth shook beneath their feet. The section of ground beneath Sailor Moon jutted upwards and Sailor Moon flew off. Before Tuxedo Kamen could move to catch her Kunzite had teleported to her, and he now held her in his arms. Tuxedo Kamen swore silently.
"Do you want to save her Cape Boy?" Kunzite called out. "Show yourself!" Tuxedo Kamen stepped out from the brush and looked Kunzite in the eye. "You know what I want. Give them to me and perhaps I'll give her back to you." Not bloody likely, he thought. But he had to save her. He now realized that he didn't care about any promises. He wouldn't give up the nizuishou, but he wouldn't let her die. He pulled out two of the crystals that were in his pocket.
"Hand them over," Kunzite said, holding out one of his hands. Tuxedo Kamen looked at the crystals in his hand, then at Sailor Moon, then back at Kunzite.
"No."
"So be it!" Kunzite tossed Sailor Moon into the air. Tuxedo Kamen leaped, but before he could get halfway to her, a blast of darkness impacted her and propelled her backwards. She hit a tree and fell to the ground. She didn't move.
"No!!" Tuxedo Kamen screamed. He ran to her, but an energy sheild around her stopped him. "Usagi-chan! No!" Inside the crackling shield, Usagi's chest didn't move. She wasn't breathing. He was vaguely aware of the senshi screaming behind him, and of Kunzite laughing, but his whole world had narrowed to one girl's limp and unbreathing body. He collapsed to his knees. "Oh god no. Usagi-chan." Unnoticed tears made their way down his cheeks. His whole body shook with his sobs.
One small tear dripped off his chin and fell to the orange crystal he held in his hand. It began to glow.
At first he didn't notice it, wrapped up as he was in his grief. But it soon became impossible to ignore. Eyes wide he let go of the nizuishou and stepped back. They floated in the air, and now the green one was beginning to glow.
He felt a tug on his jacket, and the yellow nizuishou that Usagi had given him flew out of his pocket to join the other two. Kunzite gave a cry of indignation. The Dark Kingdom's four nizuishou were floating beside the senshi's three. All seven of them began to glow.
The senshi, Tuxedo Kamen, and Kunzite looked on in awe. What was about to happen? The nizuishou's glows brightened until they were painful to look at. Then there was a flash of pure white light, and Tuxedo Kamen was blinded.
When he finally blinked away all the dots in front of his eyes he saw it. The Ginzuishou, the silver crystal, was floating where the seven nizuishou had floated before.
"It's mine!" Kunzite cried triumphantly. Tuxedo Kamen was to dazed to try to stop him. He didn't need to. Kunzite was thrown back before his hands got within a foot of the ginzuishou. Energy crackled around it and it began to glow.
But that wasn't the only thing that was glowing.
Usagi's body was glowing. Tuxedo Kamen gave an inarticulate cry. Her body began to float. Tuxedo Kamen wanted to throw up. Her back was broken and her whole body was in a strange angle. She floated slowly to the ginzuishou. Tuxedo Kamen watched, fascinated, as one of her hands began to move; she still wasn't breathing. Her left hand reached up and grabbed the ginzuishou.
Silver light surrounded her and Tuxedo Kamen couldn't see through it. Something was happening in there, but he couldn't tell what. Some ways away Kunzite got shakily to his feet.
Ever so slowly the light began to dissipate. But what it revealed what not the broken body of a Sailor Senshi. It was Usagi, and yet not Usagi. She floated a few inches about the ground, but in an upright position. Her pigtail had been restored and both of them moved around her in some invisible breeze. She wore a long flowing white dress embroidered in gold. In her outstretched hands floated the ginzuishou.
"The Moon Princess," one of the senshi whispered behind him.
They jumped at the explosion behind them. Kunzite stood, eyes wild, hands ready to attack. "Give me the ginzuishou now."
The Moon Princess opened her eyes.
"This ends now," she said in a voice both like and unlike the voice of Usagi. All at once everything seemed awash in a silver glow. Kunzite screamed and turned to dust within seconds. Tuxedo Kamen felt it tingling around him and saw the wounds of all the senshi healing.
Finally the glow faded. The Moon Princess stepped onto the ground. She closed the ginzuishou in her hand and collapsed. Tuxedo Kamen was by her side in seconds. Usagi was Usagi again. The dress had disappeared and she wore her normal street clothes.
She opened her eyes slowly as Tuxedo Kamen bent over her. He nearly recoiled. For some reason he had expected the deadness to be gone. She stood with a little help from him. She looked at the senshi running towards her and his hand, which still held hers.
Then she ripped her hand away and ran off without a word.
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'Cause I'm just a problem
For you to solve and
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm
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Usagi slammed the door of the bathroom behind her and knelt on the cold tile floor, breathing hard.
She was alive. She had been dead and now she was alive. It was still painful to be alive. Every breath, every heartbeat hurt, having been dead for however long she had been dead.
She was the princess.
"Oh god," she moaned. She would never find release now. Now her duty was to be protected and live, not die protecting. She sobbed, tears splashing to the floor. The day she had longed for, the day she would die doing protecting the ginzuishou would never come now. She had been robbed of her death.
She stumbled to one of the counter drawers, still sobbing hopelessly. She rooted through hair notions and hand creams until she grasped it. She pulled out her knife out with a sob of triumph. She fell back to the floor.
She slashed at her arm quickly, but the knife never reached her flesh. Someone had grabbed her wrist from behind her.
"Usako," Mamoru whispered. She turned and buried her face in his chest, and he stroked her hair as she cried.
Behind them, the knife clattered to the floor, forgotten.
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When one act of kindness could be
Deathly .
Definitely.
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"The ending doesn't always have to be happy, it just has to have hope." -Kayla Chavi, "An Angel from Hell"
Author's Notes:
Wow. I can't believe that I finished this . in time! ::throws a party for herself:: What? Nobody else wants to join in?
Okay, fine. But there are things I need to say, and you can choose to read them or ignore them at your leisure. First, giving credit where credit is due. The song snippets are from the song "Deathly" by Aimee Mann. It is a wonderful song, and I highly recommend listening to it. Though I am inspired by music, I've never particularly liked songfics, and here I am writing one. Oops. I'd also like to point out that though I named the fic after Deathly, I wouldn't have been able to write it without the entire Magnolia soundtrack, especially the songs "Wise Up" and "Save Me".
Red Smith said, "Writing is easy. I just open a vein and bleed." It's when writing a story like this that I realize how true that is. The problem is, opening the vein can be hard, not to mention painful. And then there's the question of closing it again. In some ways this was a very easy story for me to write. And in other ways . it was very very hard. I can't tell you what to do if you have a friend who cuts, or if you cut yourself. There are high chances that even professional help will be of no help at all. All I can suggest is that you try to stay strong, and offer strength and a shoulder once in a while.
Thanks to all those people or things that inadvertantly inspired me: Alfred Hitchcock's 'Vertigo', The Counting Crows, Aimee Mann and P.T. Anderson and others.
Thanks to Ropa-chan, who read over the first part and gave me some very good advice. I hope you liked the way it turned out.
Thanks to Patch and Lelu. I don't know if you'll like the story, but you gave me confidence to keep writing - whatever it is.
Finally, this story is dedicated to all my friends who are, or at one time have been, Deathly: Chris, Kim, Autumn, Lisa, Steve, Russ, Greg, and especially Bob.
