Okay. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to word this into the story. So rather than losing sleep over it, I figured I'd just go ahead and tell you flat out in a note:
Keep in mind, as you read this chapter, that Leonardo does not know that Kiara is supposed to be Shredder's daughter. Nor does he know anything about Madonna having been molested, her mother allegedly being killed, etc. He doesn't have a CLUE how Madonna is connected to Shredder, other than that he was "intimately" touching her in a previous chapter.
"It's Been a While" belongs to Staind, not me. ;)
RAPHAEL:
Darkness. A warm body and a kiss, and he is lost again. I watch, numbed by pain and unable to move. A spirit only, without a body. My body is on the couch, with the faceless woman. She kisses him, and he is lost in another world. I look, and see my master, watching as I am, with a look of sadness in his tired eyes. He has warned. He has threatened. He has pleaded. All to no avail. The rebellious son will not listen.
The room fills, with a crash and an undistinguished battle cry. Three more figures, weapons drawn, surround their sensei. I look to the creature on the floor, his lips locked with hers. He doesn't see. Doesn't hear. A man steps forward, a scar slashed across his face, and the battle is over before it is begun. The three brothers fight, and fall... and cry out for help. I cannot help. My body refuses, the heat of lust irresistible.
I watch in horror as the scarred figure steps forward. Our sensei does not fight. Perhaps he is too tired to fight, worn by the battle he carries on with his son, who chooses to ignore him, even as the blood runs. Tears, and sadness, run from the eyes of the three as their father falls. The separated figure runs a hand over the body beside him...
***
I sat bolt upright and breathed hard for a few seconds in the darkness. Realizing that I had been dreaming, I then tried to figure out where I was. Quiet music drifted from somewhere in the darkness. I was on the couch. Why wasn't I in bed? I didn't remember. The clock on the wall said it was almost midnight. I was alone.
Sweat ran into my eyes and I wiped it away, still trying to slow my breathing. In the eerie stillness, I suddenly felt a presence behind me and turned to see a dark figure standing at a distance. It was Katarina, and she was watching me. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
I felt her approach, and her hands ran lightly over my shoulders. "Fine," I lied.
The visions still flashed across the backs of my eyes: the blood running from his throat as the metal claws slashed through his skin. They were not memories, but they were just as vivid. I swallowed hard and leaned back, welcoming Kat's gentle touch. Her skin was soft and moist, and I figured she must have just taken a shower. "Nightmare?"
"Yes," I answered.
She massaged gently. "Wanna talk about it?"
"No," I snapped. I didn't want to talk.
I felt her fingers ease away the tension and gradually, my pulse slowed. But then, I pictured the blood, heard the screams of my brothers, and saw myself... oblivious to it all. Choosing to ignore them. The tension crept over me again. "I never said good-bye," I whispered, the words forming themselves. Suddenly, I realized what I'd said and immediately silenced myself.
"Good-bye?" she asked quietly.
Great. What did you get yourself into this time?
She leaned down and her hands joined over my plastron as she rested her head on my shoulder. Her wet hair fell over me and I felt her breath warm my skin. She kissed my neck and I felt excitement shoot through me, in spite of myself.
Stop it, Raph, you know this isn't a good idea.
"To who?" her voice interrupted my thoughts.
I snapped back into reality. "Huh?"
"Good-bye to who?"
I shook my head. I had no desire to leave myself exposed. Not to her or anyone else. She sighed deeply and ran her fingernails over my plastron, tracing an invisible pattern. I could feel the vibration, but I wished I could feel her skin along mine.
Pictures flashed. The faceless woman, welcoming me. Our souls intertwined and I totally forgot about the world around me. While he died. Pain seared the backs of my eyes again. A wave of anger and loneliness swept over me at the same time, mingling and leaving me confused. How could I do that? It was a dream, but it was real, too. It was what I had done. I'd ignored him while he died.
I felt weak and vulnerable, and strangely, I didn't want to be alone. Don't you ever just want to give up the fight and be honest? I clung to her warmth, wishing nothing more than to trust her. But I couldn't trust her. I couldn't trust anyone. I'd been down that road before. I knew where it led. Convince me, Kat, something deep inside of me begged. Please don't let me run anymore...
MADONNA:
I unlock the door to my apartment and stumble inside, setting the groceries on the floor as I grab my key out of the lock. I swing the door shut and sigh as I run my fingers through my hair. It's been a long day. I pick up the grocery bags and carry them to the kitchen where I shove them in the fridge without bothering to go through them.
"What's the matter with you?" Kat asks, stepping into the room.
"I'm tired, I'm irritable, and I want to go to bed," I answer.
"Why?"
"Just a long day," I lie.
She smiles. "Sure this doesn't have anything to do with Leonardo?"
I glance at her. She doesn't know how right she is. She knows nothing about Leonardo. They've met a few times, but to the best of my knowledge, they have not talked at length. I'm sure she doesn't know what's going on in his life right now, with Splinter sick and slipping away fast. But I do, and it kills me. I hate seeing him like this. My heart goes out to him every time I see that pained look in his eyes. I want him to get back to normal, to carry on those in-depth conversations about life and beliefs. He understands his belief system better than anyone I had ever talked to.
I look away, pushing the trailing thoughts away. "Not exactly."
"Nothing to do with the fact that he hasn't been around for four days?" I say nothing. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"
I start to protest, but stop. It's pointless to lie to her. She wouldn't argue with me, but she would know. She sees right through me. "I don't know, Kat," I whisper, turning away.
"I don't blame you, you know," she assures me. "I mean, I see how good he treats you. And I see the way you two look at each other, like you think the other won't notice." I blush. Of course she would see that. "Believe me, I don't blame you. But you know it's not a good idea."
I look back up at her. "Kat, it's gotten to the point where I feel..." I search for words. "Where I don't care. I don't care what's write or wrong anymore, okay?" I shoot at her, surprised by my own honesty. "Every time I see him, I..."
"Maybe you should stop seeing him, then," she suggests.
I shake my head. "You don't understand, Kat. You've never been in love in your life."
"Neither have you," she reminds me. "And your father was the one who made sure of that. What's he going to do when he finds out that now the..." She hesitates. "...man you choose to love is his enemy?"
"I don't care, Kat."
"You should care. Because you're gonna be hurt by this when it's over."
I feel tears sting my eyes, but I hold them back. For a long time, there is silence. "You still want him?" Kat asks. "Still want to get involved with him?"
I sigh. "Kat, I don't have that option. Even if I do want to."
"Why do you say that?"
"He's not like that. He would never..."
"Sleep with you, Madonna?" she interrupts, putting bluntly what I had tried to dance around. I glance away. "Are you really so blind that you don't see how he stares at you? Come on, babe, he'd take you in a heartbeat if you offered."
"No," I whispered. "He's too... too controlled. He doesn't love me like that, and I know he probably never will. But I still can't keep him out of my dreams."
"Can't keep him out of your bedroom, either," she mumbles.
I glance up, confused, and she nods toward the living room. "He's waiting for you," she tells me.
I stare at her for a moment and a serious look crosses her face. "Be careful, Madonna," she warns. Then she smiles. "And I promise I won't ever say I told you so."
I'm not sure how I feel about what she's implying, but I know how he would feel about it. So I push it out of my mind and head toward my room.
***
My eyes opened and I stared up at the ceiling, suddenly wide awake. I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to sleep, to finish the dream. I knew what being awake would mean.
I stared up at the ceiling, unable to fall away again. Seconds ticked by like hours, and hours like days as I waited for the dawn. I glanced at the figure sleeping next to me. So unarmed, so unaware. And yet, he was aware. He knew more than I cared for him to know. There was no love between us. Only a raw attraction he felt for me, and a duty I felt toward him. There was nothing more.
I sighed and looked back up at the ceiling. The silence in the room was broken only by the gentle hum of a fan in the window. I felt the heat from his body, a violent, defiling lust for me coursing through his veins. I had never wanted it to happen this way, but at this point, I had no choice. I could not defy my father, no matter how much I wanted to.
Thoughts of Leonardo flashed through my mind. I remembered waking up from nightmares, wrapped in his warm embrace. The way he comforted me, whispering sweet, gentle words that meant everything and nothing at the same time. My heart ached for him. I wanted nothing more than to roll over and feel him next to me. I wanted him to rock me to sleep. I'd never needed him so badly as I did right now.
With a sudden and determined resolve, I sat up. I slipped out of bed silently and found my clothes from yesterday on the floor. I dressed quickly and quietly, then snuck out of the room.
RAPHAEL:
"Be honest with me, Raph," she begged. "I want to help you."
"I don't need your help," I shot back.
Dammit, Raphael, stop snapping at her!
"Why are you so determined to be alone?" she whispered, unaffected.
Been down that road before...
"You can trust me..."
No...
"Do you believe you can trust me?" she breathed.
No.
"Yes."
She hugged my neck from behind me. I felt her damp hair brush my shoulders again. "Then tell me," she prodded. "Tell me what you're feeling."
"Alone."
Don't do it, Raphael... Don't open up like this...
"Forsaken?" she rephrased.
I considered the word. "Unforgiven," I corrected.
"By who?"
"Everyone. Everyone that matters."
This is it, Raph... There's no turning back now... You're going to show-all and she's gonna rip you apart...
Shut the hell up! I screamed at myself, surrendering to her touch. Her fingers ran over my arms, tracing along the bands at my elbows and wrists. So gentle... A woman's touch.
"I ignored him..." I choked. "While he got sick. While he died. I never even said good-bye."
Kat didn't answer. He hand massaged gently at the sore muscles in my unhurt arm. I breathed deep, choking on the pain that flooded through me. "I knew he was dying... and I avoided him. I didn't want to hear it. And before I... could accept it..." I closed my eyes and stared into the blackness. "... he was gone."
She breathed on my neck, running her hand up my arm. "So you feel like it's you who's forsaken him," she whispered.
"Yes," I admitted, totally honest with myself for the first time in months. "He was... the only one who ever came close to understanding me. And he didn't necessarily... approve. But he was still there. He'd just... He'd tell me, and he'd warn me, and then he'd be there for me when everything went wrong. Never said 'I told you so.' And I always knew that no matter what it was, I could trust him."
"You trusted him," she repeated.
I considered the words. "Yes. I did trust him. He was the only one..."
She gave me a moment to finish the sentence, but I couldn't. "Is that why you feel you can't trust anyone now?" she finally asked.
"No," I answered automatically. I sighed as I considered the truth. "He's not the only one who ever had my trust, he's just the only one who never betrayed it."
"I see," she whispered.
I couldn't believe how good it felt to get this off my chest. It had been eating me alive for so long, I wasn't sure how to deal with the release. "And all the time he was sick..." I confessed. "I spent it at the bar. He asked to see me... and I refused."
My heart wretched in my chest at the memory of the fight. Leo had actually come to find me. He'd searched the bars until he found the one I was in. The argument was brief, but forceful. I didn't remember what was said, but I remembered knocking over tables, weapons flashing, and the scramble to get out of the bar to the alley before we killed someone other than each other. It was the final blow in an already tense relationship with my brother. We'd never been the same since.
She sighed as she shifted, pulling her face away from my neck. She wrapped both arms around my neck and, leaned over the back of the couch to rest her head sideways on top of mine. There was a long silence. "I'm sorry," she finally whispered.
I breathed deep, taking in the faint scent of her shampoo. "I just wish there were some way I could do it differently," I sighed.
"I know."
MADONNA:
I approached the room where he was held and listened hard. There was no sign of danger, no one nearby. I stepped through the door and saw him immediately. He was asleep, pain written on his face. I approached him slowly, my eyes momentarily falling on his brother. He, too, was asleep, hanging from his chains.
I came closer to Leonardo and saw dried blood on his chin. I cringed. Oh, god, I didn't want to see him hurt. I touched the side of his face gently and his eyes fluttered open. "Madonna," he choked.
I forced a smile. We both knew there was nothing to smile about. I ran my fingers over his neck, feeling the thick cords of muscle tense under my touch. "I'm so sorry, Leo," I whispered.
"You shouldn't be here," he sighed. He sounded exhausted. "You're going to get caught."
"Caught," I repeated. The word tasted bitter. "I don't care if I'm caught."
"He'll kill you," he choked.
"I don't care," I breathed, squeezing my eyes closed to block out the tears.
RAPHAEL:
We stayed still for a long time. It was at least five minutes before she finally moved. She walked around the couch and sat next to me, curling her legs on the couch next to her. "I didn't know Splinter," she whispered as she nuzzled me gently. I took the hint and wrapped my arm around her, pulling her closer. "But I don't think he'd hold anything against you. And if he was here today, I know he'd forgive you."
The words were an indescribable comfort. I knew she was right. I'd known it for months, ever since he died. But to hear it come from someone else, even if it wasn't Leo, gave me the release that I craved. Leo. God, where was he? I breathed deep again and felt her press in close. Her cool, damp hair felt good on my skin.
I had to find my brothers. Who knew what kind of danger they were in, or if they were even alive. God, I prayed they were alive. I ran through the list of places they could be for the millionth time, and came up with nothing new.
"I'm worried," I confessed.
"About your brothers?"
"Yes."
There was another moment of silence as I considered the thought of never seeing my brothers alive again. "You know what my last words to Leonardo were?" I whispered, cringing at the thought.
"What?"
"I called him a bastard. Can you believe that?"
She was silent. The words echoed in my ears. "You don't believe it now?" she finally whispered.
I sighed. "I don't really think I believed it then. I was just... angry."
"You lied to me."
The words came out of the blue, and stopped my train of thought dead in its tracks. "What?" I asked.
"I said you lied to me," she repeated, not moving. She wasn't angry about it, whatever she was referring to. When had I lied to her? Normally, I'd say nothing before I'd lie. And there had been plenty of times I had reverted to silence. But offhand, I couldn't remember lying to her.
"About what?" I questioned after wracking my brain for a clue.
"You said you were never in love."
Oh. That. How did she come up with that from talking about Leo?
"Why do you think I lied?"
"Because when the emotions died down and you had time to think about it, now you say you were wrong about Leo."
I considered that for a moment, not completely following her train of thought. "Sort of," I mumbled in reply. "But what does that have to do with my love life?"
"What do you mean, sort of?"
"I asked first."
"I need your answer to make mine."
I let that sink in for a few seconds. "Leo wasn't wrong to fall in love with her," I explained. "And it wasn't wrong for him to not tell me about it. But the fact that he first slept with her a day after Splinter died..."
"Mmm," she acknowledged. "Well, what if I told you that disrespect was the furthest thing from his mind?"
"I'd agree with you," I answered. "He'd never disrespect his sensei intentionally. But he didn't think."
She laughed quietly. "And that's the heart of it, isn't it?" she questioned, snuggling closer to me. "You saw your own weakness in your brother."
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I closed my eyes as the dust settled. "Geez, Kat, what do you want from me?" I whispered, overwhelmed by the sudden grief. She was right, and that hurt.
She pulled away and looked at me. "I just want you to understand, Raphael," she smiled, easing the tension. She ran her fingers over the side of my face. "Understanding yourself may help you to understand Leonardo."
"Now you sound like him," I grinned back.
She pressed into me again. "And in answer to your question," she mumbled, "the fact that you realized what he was not wrong about leads me to believe that you know something about love. What it is, and what it is not."
I thought about that for a moment. There were problems with her theory, but I decided not to pursue them. I had no desire to engage in a deep, theological discussion on the aspect of love. I was content to just let it go.
LEONARDO:
I was so sore, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to move again. I saw pain in her tear-brimmed eyes and longed to reach out and touch her, in spite of myself. She'd betrayed me. She'd betrayed all of us. And she would see me killed sooner than she would defy Shredder. That wasn't love. She had not loved me, when she laid in my arms and thought of how she was going to deliver me into my enemy's hand. But in spite of all that, in spite of the pain that it spawned, I couldn't deny that I still felt love for her.
She hung her head, her hand still resting on my shoulder. "How did it happen, Madonna?" I whispered as she ran her hand over me, her gentle touch only magnifying the pain I felt, inside and out.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you play me from the start?"
"Oh, no, Leo!" she protested. "You can't believe that!"
"How then?"
Her hand fell from me and she turned away. "I knew it would happen. It was a stolen time, a stolen season. It had to come to an end sometime."
"Stolen," I repeated.
"I could never have this kind of happiness. Not with you or anyone else."
"Why?"
She shook her head. "I can never be free of him, Leo. There's nothing I could ever do to get away."
"You love him?"
"Love has nothing to do with it."
I remembered the way his hands had run over her body. She'd let him, submitting quietly. "Well with the way he touches you, I would think..."
"He touches me because he can," she interrupted. "And because he knows he can. It has nothing to do with love, it never did."
"What, then? Why are you with him? Why did you ever get involved with him?"
"I'm not with him, Leo. I'm owned by him. And he does with me what he pleases."
"Why?" I demanded. "Why are you owned by him?"
She looked up at me, a pained look on her face. "Do you believe in fate, Leonardo?"
"To a point."
"To what point?"
"Not to the point where you would be joined in marriage to someone you hate. If he takes you..."
"Marriage," she half-laughed, interrupting me.
"It is a marriage," I shot at her. "Of souls. And what you did with me... that's called adultery."
"Adultery against who?" she questioned, her eyes meeting mine again. "Am I joined to the man I love or the man I have to obey?" The look of pain silenced me.
KATARINA:
He ran his fingers over my wet hair and his chest rose and fell as he breathed deep. I trailed my fingers down the front of his body, stopping at his belt. Did he always sleep with his weapons around his waist? I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to that question, or the reason behind it.
"What was her name?" I asked.
He knew what I was talking about. But he hesitated for a long, tense moment. "It was more than once," he finally answered.
"The last time, then," I pressed.
"Amanda," he whispered. "She and I..." His voice came staggered as he tried to explain things he probably didn't understand. "She had a child... an abortion. I didn't even know until..." The sentences didn't make sense, but I still knew what he was saying.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, reaching beyond my peripheral vision and running my hand along the side of his face.
"Her father was a scientist," he explained. "And he heard about us... somehow. She used me to..." I could hear the pain in his voice. "... to get her pregnant... so she could give her father the fetus to study. Then she committed suicide. She told me right... before she did it. Before she jumped."
"Oh god..." I breathed, trailing my hand down his arm. No wonder why he was bitter.
"She never loved me," he sighed. "It wasn't like she was even sorry."
There was another long silence. I wasn't sure what to say, so I said nothing. "I don't think I really lied to you, Kat," he mumbled. "I've never really known love. I've been searching... for something... I guess it's love..."
I closed my eyes and traced the lines of his muscles, letting my imagination paint an image of him in my mind. "I've seen the bottom of every beer can... shot glass..." he sighed. "Been in and out of beds with women I never really knew... and I've never found..."
His voice trailed off. Love wasn't the word. "Peace?" I offered.
A sharp intake of breath let me know that I had hit the target with perfect accuracy. I massaged his shoulder gently. He didn't move. "I should have been happy for him," he breathed. "That he found it... But I guess I felt like he betrayed us in the mean time. And now..."
I traced the edge of the band around his elbow, brushing my fingers over his skin. "He didn't betray you Raphael," I mumbled. "He wouldn't. You should hear the way he talks about you." He didn't answer. "He admires you. And at the same time, he feels responsible... for every mistake you make. Like he's failed you in some way... caused you to make those mistakes."
Silence. He was so still that for a moment, I thought he was asleep. "Why?" he finally asked. "He's not that much older than me, Kat. It's not like he has to play the part of my father."
"If he doesn't, who will?"
He sighed. I felt his body move as he took in a deep breath. "My father died," he reminded me. "Parents leave their children, it's the way life works. Everyone will go through it someday, and they survive."
I pulled away and looked at him. "That's a very cynical way of looking at life."
He nodded solemnly. "I know. But it's true." He looked away. "And if Leonardo's dead..."
I reached up and turned his face back to me. "He's not dead, Raphael," I assured him. "He's alive, I promise"
He smiled, but he couldn't hide the sadness. "How can you promise something like that, Katarina?"
I sighed as I considered his words. "I can't," I resigned, dropping my hand and turning my eyes away from him.
LEONARDO:
"The fact that you left a bed you share with him to come and talk to me... that's not fate," I mumbled. "That has nothing to do with fate. If you're with him against your will, that's called weakness. Your weakness prevents you from making a stand against him."
"A stand against him," she repeated, exasperated. "Against Shredder? And my father? Who the hell do you think you're kidding, Leo?"
"What does your father have to do with it?"
She hesitated and looked away. "It's my father's will that we're together. Would you have me defy him?"
The question created a new dilemma. One I had never thought of. "Your father and your husband," I whispered, pondering the thought.
The look in her eyes was cynical. "You have no idea..." she mumbled.
"About what?"
"About what you're saying. It's so much more than you could know. So much deeper. More wrong. And yet I can't dishonor him."
"You can't bring dishonor to someone who never had honor to begin with."
She looked away. And said nothing.
"Tell me about your father."
She kept her eyes to the floor. "Why?"
"You asked me if I would tell you to defy him. I can't answer until I know something about him."
She sighed. "What do you want to know?"
"What does he have to do with your relationship with Shredder?"
Her eyes filled with tears. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
She sighed. "I never had a choice in the matter, Leo."
"Your father arranged it?"
"I was too young to even think of protesting," she continued. I realized she was avoiding the question, but her words struck me.
"How young?"
"Three? Thirteen? Which time, Leo?" I stared at her in shock. "You call sex marriage, but do you really know what you're saying?"
For a moment, I wasn't sure what to say. "You never told me..."
"What?" she interrupted, anger choking her voice. "That I was molested? That I've been used for sex since before I can remember? You never asked, Leo."
I knew I was gaping at her, but I couldn't help it. Tears spilled from her eyes as she turned away, clutching her arms across her chest tightly. Suddenly, every explanation I wanted from her seemed trivial.
KATARINA:
I don't know how it happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. But somehow, I still ended up in his arms. We swayed back and forth to the gentle music coming from the spare room where I slept. I'd turned it on to help me sleep, but right now, sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. I draped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder as his hands circled my waist. In a little over two weeks, I had fallen in love.
I didn't want to love him. Oh, God, I didn't want to love him! I knew how painful it would be. But I couldn't help it. My fascination with his psychology had led to more than it was supposed to. Now I found myself wrapped in his arms, rocking back and forth to sad love songs.
It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again...
"Raphael?"
He took a moment to answer. "Yeah?"
"I don't think I ever got the chance to say I was sorry."
Another moment of stillness. It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do... "For what?"
"For how I treated you. When you came to see me. I actually came down here looking for you, and when I couldn't find you, I figured I'd invite your brothers back to my apartment. And on the way there... that's when all hell broke loose. But I'm sorry."
We rocked back and forth gently. "So let me get this straight," he finally whispered. "You came to apologize to me wearing a tight leather skirt and jacket, with practically nothing underneath it?"
I laughed quietly. "Yes, I did."
"That's one hell of an apology, Kat," he chuckled.
"Is that good or bad?" I smiled.
"Well, let's just say I'm sorry I had to go and screw it up."
I smiled. He pulled me closer and I pressed hard to his chest as he buried his fingers in my hair. "I forgive you," he whispered.
I closed my eyes, savoring the gentle touch. The better it felt, the worse it would hurt when it was over. I knew it, and still I could do nothing to stop the feeling that was growing inside of me.
MADONNA:
"I separated myself from him years ago," I tried to explain, choking on my own voice. "I didn't want to be owned by him anymore. He never came after me. We didn't speak for months. But then, he wanted to see me."
"Your family business," he realized. The shock was slowly wearing off. "Just this past week."
"Yes," I admitted.
"Did he already know?" he asked. "About us? Is that why he called you?"
I nodded slowly. "I knew I could only hide for so long," I whispered. "It was a decision I made... that night. When I said yes."
Memories flashed in my mind, even though I didn't want them to. I knew I could never be rid of them, and I didn't really want to try. I could never forget that night. He was so gentle, whispering his love over and over again as we lost ourselves in the throes of passion. He'd made love to me, cradled me in his arms, whispered my name, touched me like no one ever had...
I shook away the dream and forced my mind back to the present. He hung from the fence, a few feet away, hiding his pain. I gasped at the pain the contrast allowed and looked away, my heart breaking. "I'm so sorry, Leo," I whispered. "I should have told you then. I should have told you right at the beginning. But I knew..."
"You didn't know, Madonna, you assumed," he corrected.
Our eyes met again. "You never would've allowed yourself to..."
"To what?" he cut me off. "To fall in love with you? Madonna, I never allowed that in the first place. I never asked for it to happen."
I sighed. "Don't lie to yourself, Leo. You were always in control."
His eyes fell. "You're wrong, Madonna," he whispered. "You're so wrong." He looked back up at me. "When I looked into your eyes, I was not in control. Had I been in control, I never would've trusted you."
"And rightly so, it seems."
He stared at me. For a long time, we said nothing. Hesitantly, I stepped forward and ran my hand down the front of his body. "I'm so sorry."
"Do you love him Madonna?" he whispered.
"No, Leo, I never loved him."
"Never?" he challenged.
"I thought I did," I admitted. "I was young, Leo. And overwhelmed. You have no idea what I've been through."
"No," he agreed. "I don't."
I looked up and met his eyes. "Love was never a part of it." He said nothing. His dark eyes pleaded with me. I touched the side of his face gently and he rested his head in my palm, closing his eyes. "I love you," I whispered, feeling pain sear through me as I realized how true the words really were.
He didn't answer. I wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid. Afraid of what he'd say... what he'd do. He breathed deep and cringed at the pain.
"Why, Madonna?" he begged, his eyes still closed.
Tears stung my eyes. "I had to," I choked. "There's nothing I can do, Leo..."
I stepped closer to him, a sudden burst of courage guiding my lips to his. He welcomed me, and our tongues mingled as tears ran into the deep, longing kiss. The saline burned our lips as I slipped my arms around his neck. My heart wretched in my chest as I longed for his arms around me. "If you can do nothing," he whispered, still kissing me, "you should leave."
I breathed deep as I pulled away. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. "Because this is not going to make it any easier on you when he kills me."
"No," I gasped, tears streaming down my face. "No, he won't kill you."
"Don't fool yourself, Madonna, you know he will."
I shook my head, trying to get my emotions under control. I smeared the salt tears with the back of my hand and crossed my arms over my chest. "No," I sniffed. "He made a deal with some guy in Houston. I don't know all the details, but he's... basically he's selling you to him."
"Oh," he mumbled. For the first time in the months that I'd known him, his voice dripped with sarcasm. "Great. That makes me feel much better."
"If he wanted you dead, Leonardo, he would've killed you already. Why take the risk of you escaping between here and there? There's a reason they're keeping you alive."
He sighed. "Madonna, please. He's selling us? For what, do you think? If we're not dead by the time we get there, we'll be dead shortly thereafter."
I hung my head. No. He was wrong. He had to be wrong...
KATARINA:
And everything I can't remember...
"Katarina?" he whispered.
"Yes?"
He was quiet for a moment. "I love you," he finally confessed.
I felt fear flood through me. He was breaking down the last wall I had to stand behind. The consequences that I've rendered...
I couldn't answer him. There was nothing I could say. I rocked back and forth, locked in his embrace. He ran his hands up and down my back, slow and gentle. "Raphael?"
"Yeah?"
"You remember what you said to Mike before? About it being just dancing?"
"Yeah."
"Is it?"
He took a moment to answer. It's been a while since I could look at myself straight... I felt him hold me to him tightly and thought I might die. "It's whatever you want it to be, Katarina."
Another long silence. I clung to him... and felt the wall collapse. It's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste...
"Raph?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm offering." PLEONARDO:
"Ai shiteru," I whispered as she closed her eyes and cried silently.
She looked up and brushed her tears away. "Huh?"
"I said I love you," I repeated. "I still do. And you don't have to do this."
She looked away. "I do." Her eyes met mine again. "Believe me, Leo, I would give anything... But it's too late."
"{It's never too late to so what's right,}" I whispered, again in Japanese.
She stared at me, a blank expression on her face. "What did you say?"
I repeated the words, in English. She studied me carefully. "Is that Japanese?"
I was shocked. For a long time, I just stared at her. "Yes," I finally choked. "Don't you...?"
She shook her head. "I don't speak much Japanese."
A million thoughts hit me all at once. The letter, signed Kiara. "It's in Japanese..." "What's it say, Leo?" It told us where to find Katarina. Katarina... "My dad didn't know what to do with me. As soon as I was old enough, he sent me to a boarding school in Japan." Dark haired, dark eyed, Katarina... "Nihongo de nan to iimasu ka?" Donatello's voice, asking if she spoke the language... "Hai," she'd affirmed. Madonna's roommate... I hadn't even considered the allegiance.
Raphael.
I remembered them on the couch. High stress and low defenses... and Raph's impulsive nature. Suddenly, I knew what she'd done... and I knew where she was right now.
"Oh god."
RAPHAEL:
Leaving the bedroom door open, I pressed her to the wall next to it, capturing her mouth in a heated kiss. Suddenly, she began to cry. I pulled away and studied her, concerned. "Kat?"
She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. She said nothing. I watched her closely. "Kat, what's wrong?" I asked. "Why're you crying?"
She jerked away from me. "I can't do this."
I stepped back, shocked, as she walked out of the room. That woman had the most confusing mood swings! I followed her. She was heading for the exit. "Kat! Hey, wait a minute!"
I stepped in front of her. She kept her eyes down. "Katarina, what's the matter with you?"
Something was obviously wrong. She stared at the floor for a minute and I took hold of her shoulders. "Look, Kat, if you don't want to, that's fine. You don't have to leave. Just tell me no and I'll stop."
She looked up slowly, and our eyes met. I was shocked by the pain in her eyes. "Why?" she whispered.
"Why what?" I asked. "Why would I stop?"
She nodded slightly. "Why stop when it's what you want?"
"Because I love you Kat," I answered simply. This wasn't going well. The last thing I wanted was for her to leave me here alone. I looked to the couch. "Look, just forget about it. We can talk or watch a movie or something," I suggested. She didn't answer. Tears streamed down her face in steady streams. I raised a hand to her cheek. "Kat, please. Don't leave."
She stared at me for a moment, then at the couch, then at the floor. "I can't do that, Raphael," she whispered.
"Why?" I asked. "Why can't you talk to me? Tell me what's wrong!"
She closed her eyes. "Because I love you," she choked.
"Good," I answered. "This is good... So what's the problem."
She breathed deep. "The problem..." She hesitated and wiped her eyes roughly. "I've betrayed you," she breathed, just barely forming the words. I stared at her, confused. "All of you. And I... I wish I could undo it. I wish I could just go back and do things differently. But I never meant to fall in love with you!"
I cupped her chin and turned her face to me, forcing her to meet my stare. She caught her breath as I studied her. "I don't understand," I admitted.
She closed her eyes slowly. "God, I'm sorry Raph," she whispered. "I'm so sorry that you trust me?"
I tensed. "Why?" I demanded, a little more harshly than I meant to. This was a confession. I could tell. And I didn't want to think about what she could possibly be confessing.
She swallowed hard. "My name isn't Katarina," she told me. "Not my real name. Katarina is the name I go by around people who don't know my family." I stared at her, muscles tensing at every word. "But you do know my family, so I know I won't have to explain. My name... my real name... is Oroku Kiara ."
