Author's Note: Forgot to mention before that this story takes place a few months after 'Ghost In The Machine'. This is important for one very special reason…
Chapter 2: Return of the Prat
Back on Cybertron…
Rodimus, sans bathrobe, and Ultra Magnus stride into the control room, where Arcee, Springer, Blaster and Bumblebee at first seem to be doing highly technical and important work. On closer inspection, however, they are revealed to be playing Half-Life.
Rodimus Prime: What in the name of the great Primus, whose hideous visage is not unlike my own, are you doing?!?!
Arcee: Shh!
There is a loud explosion heard from the monitors.
Arcee: YES!
Springer: Damn it!
Rodimus Prime: I order you all to stop this and get back to work!
The other Autobots ignore him.
Rodimus Prime: Magnus, stop them!
Ultra Magnus: You got it Rodimus!
Magnus walks up to the others.
Ultra Magnus: Okay guys, it's time to-
Bumblebee: We've got room for one more player.
Ultra Magnus: COOL!
Magnus sits down at a monitor and joins in. Rodimus stares at him in shock before exiting in a huff.
Rodimus Prime: Dammit, that's the ninth time this week! And it's only Tuesday!
He walks into the Hall of Prime. In the middle of the hall is a giant platinum statue of the late Optimus Prime and on the walls are pictures commemorating his many, many, many, many…
Rodimus Prime: ALRIGHT ALREADY! We get the idea!
Sorry…achievements.
Rodimus Prime: Oh Prime, how can I ever hope to match what you had accomplished?
We pan over numerous pictures, each depicting an amazing miracle that Prime worked. In the first he can be seen saving an entire city from Decepticon attack, in the next he is curing a previously incurable disease and in the one after that he is performing his most amazing miracle; guiding Bradford City to the English Premiership title.
Rodimus Prime: Damn you Prime! Why did you have to be such a hero?
Statue of Prime: I dunno, just the way I am I guess.
Rodimus looks at the statue for a second before tearing out of the room, screaming in terror. A few seconds after he's left Kup steps out from behind the statue with a huge grin on his face.
Kup: Heh, heh, heh…
*****
Back on Char…
Cyclonus: But Mighty Galvatron, you cannot get revenge on that which is already dead!
Galvatron: Says you.
Cyclonus looks at Scourge, his two Sweeps and Armada (the Cyclonus look-alike), with a look of exasperation on his face then tries again. The Sweeps and Armada wish they hadn't walked in a second ago.
Cyclonus: Don't you remember the attack on the Autobot shuttle?
Galvatron: What sort of fool do you take me for? I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Flashback – The attack on the Autobot shuttle during the movie
The Decepticons break into the shuttle as they did in the movie. Megatron is dressed in a rather fetching pink summer dress with a daring low cut, along with a big sun hat. The boarding party includes Starscream, Thundercracker, Skywarp, (who are dressed as Huey, Dewey and Louie), Soundwave, (who is dressed as Donald Duck), Ravage, (wearing a green pork-pie hat and a collar and tie), the Insecticons, (all three with more limbs than is strictly necessary) and the Constructicons (who are dressed as Rocky Horror rejects). As Megatron speaks his voice goes from a really high pitch to a very low one on every other word.
Megatron: Autobots! PREPARE to MEET your DOOM! Decepticons, ATTACK!
Seekers: You got it, Unca Megatron!
Cut to the Autobots. Brawn is dressed like one of the Seven Dwarves, Ironhide resembles Homer Simpson, Prowl has a potted fern for a head and Ratchet is bulging with muscles.
Brawn: HEIGH-HO!
He runs toward the Decepticons. Megatron aims his fusion cannon and blows him away.
Ravage (in a Yogi Bear like voice): That was a pretty good shot Meg-sy.
Megatron: QUIET you!
Ravage: Whatever you say Meg-sy.
Prowl gets up from his seat and starts firing at the 'Cons. Scavenger, dressed like a dominatrix, returns fire and manages to set Prowl's leafy head ablaze.
Prowl: WHY, GOD, WHY?!
Prowl collapses amid the stench of burnt foliage.
Acting quickly, Ironhomer picks up a massive pulse cannon and aims it at the invaders.
Ironhomer: Top this!
The Decepticons pull out massive guns of their own and aim them at the balding Autobot.
Ironhomer: D'OH!
Ironhomer is ventilated by the Decepticons.
Megatron (to Ratchet): Now IT'S your TURN!
Ratchet (in a Schwarzenegger-like voice): I think not!
Ratchet knocks Megatron aside with one powerful arm before tying the other Decepticons up with a handy girder.
Ravage: This is a pretty tight squeeze, Meg-sy.
Ratchet (picking Megatron off the floor): Now my puny friend I will subject you to…THE WALTZ OF DEATH!
Decepticons: GASP!!
Ironhomer (not quite dead yet): Mmm, waltz of death…
Ratchet forces Megatron into a waltz position before the two of them start prancing wildly around the shuttle, with Megatron screaming in pain and terror.
End Flashback
Galvatron (stroking his chin): Yesss…a difficult time indeed…
Cyclonus, Scourge, Armada and the Sweeps slowly back out of the throne room but are stopped by a command by Galvatron.
Galvatron: I WILL have my revenge on Ratchet, and YOU WILL bring him here to me! Understood?
Cyclonus: But Gal-
Galvatron's fusion cannon can be heard charging up.
Cyclonus: One Autobot medic coming right up!
The Decepticons haul ass out of the throne room. Once they are safely in the corridor they begin talking.
Sweep #1: Why does he want revenge on this guy anyway?
Armada: Don't you remember? That whole 'Megachet' episode?
All (in a weird creepy unified monotone): Megachet…
Cyclonus: I know that Megatron was never all that sane to begin with but I can't imagine that fusing with Ratchet helped any.
Sweep #2: Neither did the way we separated them.
Flashback – 20 odd tears ago
We're in a large room with a humongous and complicated looking machine taking up most of it. A crane suspends Megachet over it. As well as Starscream and Soundwave, the future 'Cons are there in their previous forms: Bombshell (Cyclonus), Skywarp (Scourge), Thundercracker (Armada), Shrapnel (Sweep #1) and Kickback (Sweep #2).
Soundwave: Are you sure this will separate Megatron from the Autobot?
Bombshell: Quite sure. This machine will break them down to the molecular level then re-constitute them into their original selves. It is nigh on foolproof.
Megachet: WAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!
Skywarp: So what are you waiting for? Drop 'em in!
Bombshell nods, then walks over to a lever next to the machine and pulls it. The top of the machine opens and Megachet is dropped inside. A number of weird and worrying noises can be heard emanating from the machine. All except Bombshell look worried. After a few moments of this a light on the exit door of the machine lights up with a 'PING!' and swings open. Megachet lurches out, still fused as one but now resembling something that Picasso might have painted while drunk.
Megachet: NEEEEEEEAAAACCCKKK!
(Translation: We…hurt.)
The Decepticons stare at the grotesque monstrosity for a few seconds. Finally Starscream speaks up.
Starscream: Excuse me.
He steps out of the room.
Starscream (off screen): BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bombshell (quickly turning to the machine's control station): Don't worry! I'm sure this will just take a second to fix!
End Flashback
Sweep #2: It took four hours.
Cyclonus: You can't blame his insanity on me alone! What about straight after we separated the two of them and the cable which was supposed to replace a few lost data files was plugged into the base's TV set instead of the main computer bank?
Flashback – Same time period as before but a few hours later
Starscream can be seen sitting on a sofa reading '101 Ways To Seize Control In A Bloodless Coup' when Megatron walks in. His left eye is open wider than his right eye and his left eyebrow is raised.
Megatron: CAN YOU SMELL WHAT MEGATRON IS COOKING?!
Starscream: Wha?
Megatron: YOU DISSIN' ME FOO'?! I'M GONNA LAY THE SMACKDOWN ON YO' SORRY ASS!
Starscream: EEK!
End Flashback
Cyclonus: It took another two hours to purge the corrupted files and a further three to remove the table from Starscream's torso.
Scourge: And then Ratchet woke up…
Flashback – a few hours after the last one
Megatron (standing in triumph): HA! Finally I am my old powerful self again. No more pain, no more eye problems and 50% fewer voices in my head!
Thundercracker: 50%?
Kickback: What do you want us to do with Ratchet?
Megatron considers what to do with the doc. Finally he shakes his head.
Megatron: Release him. I do not wish to see him again for as long as I live.
Starscream walks over to Ratchet, who is lying on a table, to wake him up. Suddenly Ratchet wakes up with a start and slugs Starscream before leaping acrobatically off the table.
Ratchet: NO! This cannot be allowed to continue!
Decepticons: …Huh?
Ratchet (getting really dramatic): Too fast, events gathering pace, STEAMROLLING towards disaster! I must…
He turns to Starscream and rips one of his null ray guns off. He aims it a tank of energon in the corner of the room.
Ratchet (really going for the Oscar here): …BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!!
He fires at the tank. Nothing happens.
Cut back to Ratchet looking perturbed. He starts wildly firing off shots at the tank, screaming various demonic curses. The 'Cons watched on, way too frightened by the scary medic with the funny helmet attachment to stop him.
Finally the null ray ran out of energy. Ratchet stared at it for a moment before flinging it to the ground and facing the disturbed Decepticons.
Ratchet: So long, suckers!
He flings a smoke bomb to the ground, then transforms into his ambulance mode and drives off laughing like the giant loon that he is.
Shrapnel: Where did he get the smoke bomb, bomb?
Megatron: BAH! It matters not! So long as he left without causing further chaos…
Cue the tank which explodes violently but somehow only torches Megatron.
Megatron: …Gah…
At this point a large chunk of the ceiling comes looses and collapses on Megatron, followed by an array of very heavy machinery.
Starscream: Hee, hee, hee…
End Flashback
Cyclonus: Well, whatever reason for Galvatron's insanity, the fact remains someone will have to be sent on a suicide mission to Cybertron.
Armada: Are you going to do it?
Cyclonus: Of course not! I have…other matters to attend to…
He looks feverishly at a locked door.
Cyclonus: If we are to send anyone, it should be our most worthless soldiers; soldiers who would lose a battle of wits with a sheet of metal, soldiers who absolutely scream 'expendable'…
At this point the 'Cons pass a window. Outside they can see Runamuck and Runabout, the latter getting up off the ground while cupping his crotch.
Runamuck: Okay, now you kick ME in the happy sacks and we'll see if it hurts me.
Cut back to the indoor 'Cons.
Cyclonus: Gentlemen, I give you the perfect soldiers for the job.
*WHUNK!*
Runamuck (off screen and very high pitched): AAAUUUUUGGH!
*****
At this moment, an ancient evil zoomed through space heading towards Earth. His body repaired after his altercation with Galvatron, he dreamed of numerous ways to exact his revenge, most of which involved sharp instruments in sensitive places. Heaven help those who get in his way and-
Starscream (wiping some space dust off his wing): Oh darn these stubborn space dust stains!
Looks at the planet Earth and laughs wildly, despite the fact that sound doesn't carry in space.
Starscream: Oh yes, as soon as I touch down I can make plans to get back to Cybertron. And then…GALVATRON WILL PAY! HAHAHAHAHA…say, what's that big rocky thing heading straight towards-
An asteroid hits Starscream at full speed, destroying his body and leaving his ghost behind. He watches the asteroid cart his wrecked body out into deepest space.
Starscream: DAMMIT!
To Be Continued…
