Chapter 3: Weird Science
About an hour later still on Char…
Runabout walks down a corridor until he reaches an Indian style tent. A sign above the flap says 'The Shaman is in'.
Entering the flap Runabout finds Soundwave sitting cross-legged on the floor. He is dressed as a typical shaman with any number of mystical nick-knacks lying in well-chosen places. The whole scene has a real mystic quality to it, ruined only by the presence of Laserbeak and Buzzsaw playing poker in the back of the tent.
Soundwave: What is troubling you, my son?
Runabout: I understand you can decipher meanings from dreams?
Soundwave: That I can. Do you have a dream you wish me to analyze?
Runabout: Mmm-hmm. I think it might foretell how our mission might turn out.
Soundwave nods and makes a gesture with his hand, indicating to Runabout to tell him the dream.
Runabout: Well, it starts off with seven human milkmaids gorging on vast amounts of meat and vegetable pies. Then they each climb a Mount Everest and simultaneously vomit three times while singing 'Say it now and say it loud, I'm a milkmaid and I'm proud'. After that I'm suddenly in a disco dressed like Krusty the Klown with a giant afro. I dance with three pigs, two hens, nine ducks and a pair of four headed cows before I finally run into a gorgeous leather-wearing sheep. She proposes to me with a diamond ring with an Autobot insignia in the middle. I accept and at the end we get married by Snarl before being whisked away to the Land of Oz for our honeymoon by Royce Glas wearing a tutu.
Soundwave: …
Runabout: Soooo…what d'ya think it means?
Soundwave: …Please leave my tent.
*****
Another hour later, in Control Tower 1…
Shockwave can be seen working the controls on a computer panel when Cyclonus walks in.
Cyclonus: OK, I'm here. What is it you wanted to show me?
Shockwave: THIS!
Shockwave's finger hovers a big red button. It stays there for a quite a while.
Cyclonus: …Well?
Shockwave (irritably): Can't you see I'm trying to build up dramatic tension?
A few more minutes pass. Cyclonus makes to leave.
Shockwave: WAIT! I'm going to push it this time. Really!
Cyclonus stops and laboriously turns around.
Shockwave: Behold…HOLO-SHOCKWAVE!
Shockwave pushed the button and a hologram of himself crackles into existence. It looks like the real Shockwave in every detail except for the fact that the hologram's eye is shaped like a 'H' rather than the normal sphere.
Holo-Shockwave: Hypothesis: I…live. Conclusion: …I, uh, live.
Shockwave: My god! I was just about to say that!
Holo-Shockwave: Were you really? How uncanny!
Both Shockwaves laugh for a full ten minutes at this. Cyclonus desperately tries not to commit murder.
Cyclonus: …OK, and why have you done this?
Shockwave: I created Holo-Shockwave to facilitate in my absence should it ever arise.
Cyclonus: Why?
Shockwave: Do you remember the events of twenty-odd years ago?
Cyclonus: Yeah.
Shockwave: Well, when I was transformed into a humble tin o' biscuits I was unable to function in my role as Decepticon Commander of Cybertron. I think it was the lack of limbs that did me in. At any rate, I needed someone to perform my special duties if I am ever incapacitated again.
Cyclonus: So you've used a large portion of the base's power and thousands of work hours to create a hologram of yourself to push a few buttons and shout out random orders?
Shockwave: Yes, that's about the size of it.
Cyclonus (rubbing his temples): Oy vey…
At this point the com system crackles into life.
Runamuck (on the com): Shuttle 2 ready for launch.
Shockwave: Roger that Shuttle 2. You are cleared for launch. Godspeed.
The ship can be heard launching from the shuttle port. We focus on the Shockwaves, who are obviously expressionless, and Cyclonus who looks as though he's just seen Drew Carrey naked.
Shockwave (to Holo-Shockwave): So, how do you think they'll do?
Holo-Shockwave: I think they'll do just fine.
Cyclonus (in complete disbelief): The ship's going sideways!!!
Cut to the ship which is indeed flying through space sideways. It continues like this for a while before a collision with a rogue asteroid knocks it into the right flying position. Over the still open com, the three 'Cons can hear Runamuck faintly saying "Well done, Mr. Runabout. Well done!"
Cyclonus (cradling his face in his hands): Our race is doomed…
*****
Meanwhile, in Galvatron's throne room…
Rumble: Are you sure we should be doing this?
Frenzy (holding a rock shaped and painted like an egg): C'mon, ya wuss! It's not like he's here right now is it?
Rumble: Yeah, but what if he walks in on us while we're planting that thing? I mean he could burst through that door…RIGHT NOW!
Rumble spins around to face the door, which stays as still as ever.
Frenzy (smacking Rumble upside the head): Would you relax? Look, if we get the same reaction out of that psychopath like we did the last time, won't it be worth the risk?
Rumble thinks back to the last time and giggles.
Rumble: Alright, alright you've convinced me. Let's just hurry up, yeah?
Frenzy: Of course.
Frenzy picks up the 'egg' and places it on the throne.
Frenzy: Man, who would have thought that using a rock to practice my Easter Egg painting skills on would lead to so much fun?
The tapes are about to leave when they hear footsteps coming towards the throne room, accompanied by random swearing and muttering.
Rumble (completely in a panic): Oh dear sweet Faye Valentine! He's coming and we're going to die! Oh dear god! (Begins to blubber like a particularly cranky baby).
Frenzy (also panicked but still able to control himself): Quickly, behind the throne! It's our only chance!
Frenzy grabs Rumble and drags him behind the throne just as Galvatron enters. He looks to be in a foul mood until he sees the 'egg' on his throne. He looks close to tears of joy as he walks over to the false produce of chickens and picks it up with tender loving care.
Galvatron: I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!
Cut back to Rumble and Frenzy, both desperately trying not to laugh.
Frenzy (whisper): Score!
*****
Over on Cybertron…
Rodimus Prime: …OK, and Jazz you have the midnight shift with Cliffjumper.
Jazz: Aw man, I'm on guard duty with the Red Dwarf again?
Cliffjumper: STOP CALLING ME THAT! AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
Cliffjumper chases Jazz with a large machete. After watching them go, Rodimus and Arcee walk down the corridor.
Arcee: Say, when are you going to assign a science officer to study that nearby pulsar?
Rodimus Prime: Never.
Arcee: Huh? Why?
Rodimus Prime: Let's say I'm not on good terms with the science team at the moment.
Arcee: Really? You mean you've fallen out with Perceptor?
Rodimus Prime: Yep. Ever since that 'Swedish Porn' incident…
Flashback - a few days ago
Ultra Magnus is lounging seductively on the table when Rodimus walks in. He doesn't seem to mind.
Rodimus Prime (bad Swedish accent): Miss me?
Ultra Magnus (really bad Swedish accent): Oh ya! It so sexy in here.
Looks at Rodimus.
Ultra Magnus: It so sexy down dere.
He gets off the table and picks up a data pad.
Ultra Magnus: Here are da efficiency reports! (drops dem, I mean them on the floor).
Rodimus Prime: Oh! You dropped dem on dey floor! You better pick dem up!
Ultra Magnus: You got it!
Bends over extravagantly.
Cut now to Perceptor's lab, where he's watching these events on a wide screen monitor.
Perceptor: Heh, heh, heh…
He ticks a box on a 'To Do' datapad. The box he ticked corresponds to 'Download entire database of Swedish porn into Rodimus and Magnus' personality programs'.
End Flashback
Rodimus Prime: What I don't understand is how the entire army found out about it and so quickly too.
Arcee (suddenly very nervous): Yeah, that's a real mystery…
Flashback – a day after the S.P. incident
Arcee is standing behind a stall with a stack of tapes in front of her. In front of the stall is a huge gang of Autobots all bearing loads of energon cubes.
Arcee: Step right up, step right up! Be amongst the first in this galaxy to see the steamy Rodimus/Magnus porn epic, 'Who Says It's Lonely At The Top?' Only 60 Energon cubes per tape!
Sludge: ME SLUDGE TAKE FOUR!
End Flashback
Arcee (trying to change the subject): Okay then, what about Brainstorm?
Rodimus Prime: Nuh-uh. I still haven't forgiven him for the 'Polish Porn' incident.
Arcee: …I won't ask.
Rodimus Prime: Good choice.
*****
Around this time on Earth…
Starscream: PAH! So what if I'm a ghost again! I can still get revenge on Galvatron! This just means I'll need a lackey to help me in my quest. Someone I can manipulate and is willing to go from 'partner' to 'living shield' when the need arises. Now whom can I find…
So lost in thought is Starscream that he bumps into what to him is a solid object.
Starscream: Watch where you're going you fool!
He turns to face the bumper and freezes when he sees who it is.
Waspinator (also a ghost): Why you call Wazzzzpinator fool?
To Be Continued…
