Chapter 5: Enter the Nightbeat
In the skies above Denver…
Waspinator: Are we there yet?
Starscream: No.
Waspinator: Are we there yet?
Starscream: No.
Waspinator: Are we there yet?
Starscream: No.
Waspinator: Are we there yet?
Starscream: No.
Waspinator: Are we there yet?
Starscream: N– wait…nnnnnnnnow we're there.
The duo land at the entrance of…
Waspinator (reading the sign): Pokemon City Alpha B-1?
Starscream: Yep. In the year 2003, Pokemon grew to such an extent that it ended up taking over a large part of every government in the world. As a result each country has its own Pokecity.
Waspinator: …
Starscream: And to think those fools thought it was a mere addictive fad! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Waspinator: …Oooooookaaaayy…zzzzzzzo why are we here?
Starscream: We're here to recruit a few more soldiers to our cause. If I'm right, we should find three of them in here.
Starscream and Waspinator enter the city. They pass by such famous buildings as the Mewtwo Hotel, the Kabutops Dojo and the Lickitung Sex Parlor when suddenly…
Starscream (pointing): AH-HA! There they are!
Waspinator follows Starscream's finger to a street show depicting the Pokemon movies. The audience consists of a few human Pokefans as well as Ramjet, Thrust and Dirge. It's obvious that Ramjet and Thrust are enjoying themselves as they clap their hands and sing along to the theme song, whereas Dirge is fighting not to burst into tears.
Ramjet/Thrust: GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALLLLLLLLL! POK-E-MON!
Dirge: Kill meeeeeee…
Waspinator: They are the onezzzzzzz?
Starscream: Indeed. These brave bots will help us rule the galaxy!
Waspinator: …Zzzzzzzzzzcreamer bot gone insane hazzzzzzn't he?
Starscream: I should coco. Now come on!
The duo dive forward and possess two animatronic Pokemon statues: Weezing (Starscream) and Arbok (Waspinator).
Waspinator: Now what?
Starscream: Now we wait.
*****
Stately Nightbeat Manor, Cybertron…
Hosehead, dressed in a butler's outfit, answers the ringing doorbell to find Blurr standing on the porch.
Hosehead: Welcome friend Blurr to…(hesitates)
Nightbeat (off screen): Say it!
Hosehead (sighing): …STATELY NIGHTBEAT MANOR!
At this point a panel opens up in the wall to reveal three femmebots by the names of Bleu, Clover and Erin standing behind some microphones and looking miserable. The theme form 'Shaft' plays.
Hosehead (reluctantly): Who's that sexy private dick who makes it out with all the chiiiiiicksss?
Erin/Clover/Bleu (very reluctantly): NIGHTBEAT!
Hosehead: Damn right.
Blurr: Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleasestop.
Hosehead: You got it.
The femmebots breathe a sigh of relief as they walk off. Hosehead leads Blurr into the manor until they reach the study. Nightbeat is there, sitting on a throne, wearing a burgundy bathrobe and a propeller beanie while smoking a pipe.
Nightbeat: Ah, if it isn't…um…
Hosehead: Blurr, sir.
Nightbeat: Who?
Hosehead: Blurr. You know. (does a running motion)
Nightbeat: Ah yes, Blurr! Fleet of foot, slow of mind.
Hosehead: Uh, yes…
Nightbeat (to Blurr): So, what can I do for you old chum?
(It's funnier if you imagine Nightbeat saying 'old chum' the way Adam West did in Batman. Yes, I used to watch Batman. Feel free to stop laughing any day now)
Blurr: It'sterribleNightbeatjustterriblealltheAutobotbodieshavebeenstolenfromthecrypt!
Nightbeat: By Primus old chum! You can count me on the case. SIREN!
Hosehead: Oh no…
Siren: Holy loud voices Nightbeat! What's up?
Nightbeat: Saddle up old chum, we've got a case to solve!
Siren: Holy incalculable excitement Nightbeat!
Blurr/Hosehead: …
*****
Back on Char…
Cyclonus (hunched over something): Heh heh heh…it's almost complete.
He steps away to reveal what he's been working on: a robot replica of Elise Briggs from SSX Tricky.
Cyclonus: Soon, soon my love I'll activate you and we will be happy,
Flashback – 20 odd years ago
It's the same room and Elise is sitting in the same chair, only Cyclonus is now Bombshell. He looks at the bot forlornly for a bit until Shrapnel and Kickback enter the room.
Kickback: Hey dude. Aren't you going to activate her?
Bombshell: No.
Shrapnel: Ah, so you've come to your senses and are going to build Marisol, Marisol?
Bombshell: NO! It's just that…that…
Suddenly Bombshell starts to bawl uncontrollably and hugs the stunned Kickback.
Bombshell: She'd never love me! I'm a freak! A FREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAKKK!
Kickback comforts Bombshell while glancing over at Shrapnel.
Shrapnel: Looks like somebody skipped their morning coffee, coffee.
End Flashback
Cyclonus: Yes, I HAD skipped my morning coffee that day but the fact remains that she would have shunned me as an Insecticon. But now that I'm second in command of the Decepticon army and in possession of a snazzy new pointy helmet, she'll be unable to resist me! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!
A knock is heard at the door.
Sinnertwin: Cyclonus?
Cyclonus: What is it?!
Sinnertwin: The Battlechargers return.
Cyclonus: Good. I'll be right there.
Cyclonus covers Elise with a sheet and exits the room, locking the door behind him. He made his way to the spaceport, where he found Sinnertwin, Hun-Grr, Mindwipe, Razorclaw and Rampage helping Runamuck and Runabout unload the shuttle.
Cyclonus: What's all this?
When no one answered, Cyclonus took a peek at one of the caskets. The nameplate read 'Prowl'. Getting that familiar sinking feeling, Cyclonus checked the next one. It read 'Wheeljack'. By the time he reached Casket #3 (Ironhide) he had become mortally pissed off.
Cyclonus: BY THE UNHOLY MIND OF SIMON FURMAN, WHAT THE FRELL IS THIS?!?!?
Runamuck: The Autobot bodies.
Cyclonus: You were only supposed to retrieve Ratchet! What am I supposed to do with all these corpses?!?
Runabout: That's YOUR problem, not ours!
Runamuck: Later, suckers!
Runamuck and Runabout transform into their car modes and drive off as Cyclonus massages his brow.
Cyclonus: Oy vey…at least it can't get any worse.
Mindwipe walked up to the pointy helmeted Decepticon and pointed at something high up behind him. Very, very cautiously, Cyclonus turned around and looked up to the roof of the Decepticon base to find…
Galvatron: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!
Cyclonus: Oh crimminy not again…
Mindwipe: I'm afraid so. And get this: Galvatron says he knows the father.
Cyclonus: The…FATHER?!?!
Mindwipe: Mmm-hmm. Apparently, it's the one smoking a cigar he gave him.
At this point Triggerhappy walks up smoking a fat cigar.
Triggerhappy: Hey dudes.
Cyclonus and Mindwipe stare at Triggerhappy in shock.
Cyclonus: Where did you get that cigar?
Triggerhappy: Galvatron gave it to me. It's kinda weird, he was so nice and court…(notices the look on his comrade's faces) What, what's wrong?
Cyclonus: I, uh…I have something to tell you…
Cut to a shot of Char from space.
Triggerhappy: WWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!
*****
Around this time on Cybertron…
Inferno can be seen outside in a desolate part of the planet. He is panting heavily and seems to be sweating. He looks up at the night sky and sees the full moon.
Inferno: Damn moon! Always having to be full and all…oh Primus, no! Not again!
Inferno writhes in pain as his body changes shape. After three minutes of this the transformation is complete as Inferno the Autobot becomes…Inferno the Predacon!
Inferno (whipping out his flamethrower): BUUUURRRN!
To be continued…
