Chapter 7: Kiss your sanity goodbye

Autobot HQ Cybertron, Brainstorm's lab…

Faye is still pointing the gun at Brainstorm but is now feeling slightly uneasy by the way he's staring at her.

Faye: Umm…I'll ask again. Why…

Quick as a flash Brainstorm dived down on his knees and began to kiss Faye's feet. Faye stares on, speechless.

Brainstorm: Oh my love, my love! Now we can be together and live on a small farm and raise petro-rabbits and have a white picket fence, just like on TV!

In a few seconds Faye had deduced what took most Transformers decades to realize.

Faye: My god…you're a complete freak, aren't you?

Brainstorm: If you say so my love!

Faye: Sorry pal, but I'm the sort of femmebot who doesn't go in for the loony type. Now if you'll just let go of my leg…

Brainstorm: NOOOOOO!

Brainstorm latches tightly onto Faye's leg. Undaunted, Faye slowly makes her way to the lab's exit, dragging the lovesick scientist along with her.

Brainstorm: Wait! Please stay! I'll give you anything!

Faye: LOOK, for the last…did you say anything?

Brainstorm nods eagerly as Faye smiles.

Faye: Hmmm…

*****

Still on Cybertron, Autobots Crypts…

Springer: Rodimus?

Rodimus Prime: Yeah?

Springer: Tell me, WHY have we hired these guys?

Cut over to Nightbeat and Siren who are examining the crime scene. Nightbeat is wearing a cowl shaped like the top half of his face, a gold cape and a gray jumpsuit with a picture of his silhouetted head in a gold circle on his chest. Siren is dressed in the sort of outfit that a male stripper would class as too demeaning. 

Rodimus Prime: Find anything yet Nightbeat?

Nightbeat: I have indeed, old chum. It appears that these graves have been robbed!

An abating silence ensues. Tumbleweeds drift by.

Arcee: …And?

Nightbeat: AND they've been robbed by a person – OR PERSONS! – unknown. (takes a few puffs on his pipe)

Autobots:

Siren: Holy high speed deduction Nightbeat!

Ultra Magnus (whispering to Rodimus): Can I kill them NOW? PLEASE?!?

Rodimus Prime (also whispering): For the last time no! We are Autobots, we do not kill our own.

Rodimus, Magnus, Springer and Arcee watch as Siren trips over a divot in the ground.

Siren: Holy pratfall Nightbeat!

Rodimus Prime: …Then again, exceptions can be made…

*****

STILL on Cybertron, in the stasis tube building…

Inferno (walking back into the room from the toilet): Ugh…damn energon burritos…

Megatron: I hope you washed up after you yesssss.

Inferno: MY QUEEN!

Inferno dives to his knees in front of the Predacon commander, who is surrounded by the others.

Quickstrike: Where are we?

Black Arachnia: More to the point, what am I doing here? I'm not even a Predacon anymore!

Inferno (back on his feet): Silence disloyal drone! I have given you another chance to serve the almighty Queen!

Megatron: How many times have I told you to stop calling me that?

Inferno: 6,000,000,000,000,000,001 times, my Queen!

Megatron: And yet still you do not listen noooo…

Black Arachnia: Stuff this! I'm off to find a decent nightclub.

Inferno: I don't think so!

Inferno flicks a switch on a control panel, causing all doors to lock.

Inferno: I think you will find that escape is impossible.

Black Arachnia: Nah, I've got it.

Black Arachnia easily unlocks the door and escapes the building. Inferno looks back at the control panel.

Inferno: Hmm…I probably should have hit the switch that locks the doors from the outside…

Scorponok: Why's Waspinator still in his stasis tube?

Inferno: I couldn't find his spark.

Megatron: A real pity, yessss…

Predacons: ?

Megatron: Waspinator may have had less brains than a lobotomized Brittany Spears, but DAMN did he know how to make a cup of tea!

We now see a montage of Megatron sitting in a comfy chair as Waspinator (dressed in a washed out dress) comes in with a cup of tea.

Waspinator: More tea zzzzzir?

Megatron: No thanks Mrs. Doylinator. I couldn't drink another drop.

Waspinator: Ah go on, you'll have another cup!

Megatron: No really, I'm fine.

Waspinator: Ah go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go-

*BLAM!*

Tarantulas: Um…Megatron? That was an episode of Father Ted.

Silence.

Megatron (stroking his chin): So it was, yessss…anyway! Inferno here shall now tell us what the situation is, and then my sub-standard warriors… we shall raise HELL!

Predacons: YAHOOIE!

Rampage: Heh heh heh…blood…heh heh heh…

From outside, a Mysterious Figure watches the Predacons through a window. He focuses on Rampage specifically.

Mysterious Figure: Soon…

*****

A few hours later, on Char…

Misfire, Soundwave, Weirdwolf and Quake are crowded around a monitor when Cyclonus walks into the control room.

Cyclonus: Any change?

Misfire: None.

Weirdwolf: It's incredible! I mean, he's been staring at that Autobot corpse for nineteen straight hours and he still hasn't moved a muscle!

Quake: WAIT! LOOK!

All five 'Cons stare at the monitor and watch as Galvatron looks away from Ratchet and flick on the comm. system on his throne.

Galvatron: Cyclonus, Soundwave! Report to my throne room now!

Soundwave: Commence Operation: Leave the Room.

Soundwave leaves the room.

Soundwave: Mission Complete. Begin New Mission…

Cyclonus: *GROAN*

A few minutes later…

Cyclonus: You called for us Lord Galvatron?

Galvatron: Yes. I must now inform you that Ratchet…is dead.

Soundwave/Cyclonus (feigning surprise, albeit badly): REALLY?!?!?

Galvatron: Yes.

Soundwave: Situation: Unfortunate.

Cyclonus: Yeah, I guess I'll just cart this corpse away now.

Galvatron: You'll do no such thing!

Cyclonus (looks horrified): What?

Galvatron: You will summon the one Decepticon who can help me get my revenge!

Cyclonus (looks even more horrified): Oh no, you can't mean…!

Galvatron: Yes, I want you to summon…

Extreme close up.

Galvatron: …BLUDGEON!

Soundwave faints.

To be continued…