Chapter 11: It's very difficult to come up with clever chapter titles, you know

Cut to Quintessa, specifically a courtroom where a trial is about to commence. The usual crowd (a Quintesson Judge, Bailiffs and a few Sharkticons) is present, with the Judge wearing a wig and a black muumuu and sitting at the judge's desk.

Judge: Bring in the accused.

Two Bailiffs wheel in a gurney, to which Metal Gear Prime is attached Hannibal Lecter style.

Judge: Metal Gear Prime, you stand accused of horrendous crimes against the art of writing in general. How do you plead?

MG Prime: Like this. OH PLEASE GOD, DON'T KILL ME! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!

Judge: No, no. I meant do you plead guilty or not guilty?

MG Prime: Oh. Not guilty.

The whole courtroom erupts into uproarious laughter.

MG Prime: What?

The lawyer for the prosecution, Tom Servo, hovers to the middle of the room, a few sheets of paper in his hand.

Tom: Your Honor, I need only present one shred of evidence to win this trial. I present to you a Transformers/Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover entitled "Hero", which the defendant posted on Fanfiction.net a few years ago and then deleted.

Tom hands the sheets to the Judge, who proceeds to read them.

Judge: Well, let's see…

The eyes on all five of the Judge's head widen in horror as he keeps reading. Eventually he shrieks and tosses the sheets away.

Judge: BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELL!

MG Prime: HEY!

Bailiff: Quiet, you!

The Bailiff whacks MG Prime with a fun sized diamond mallet.

Tom: I dare not show you his Red Dwarf/Charmed story.

Sharkticon: It's a bit too late for that.

We see the Judge slumped in his chair, smoke emanating from the top of his head. First Aid, who happened to be present at the time, performs a check-up on him.

First Aid: Hmm. Seems his brain self-destructed rather than hold any memory of that god-awful fic.

Bailiff (to MG Prime): Looks like we'll be adding Murder One to your crimes, bucko!

MG Prime: Bucko?

Sharkticon: This trial is now in recess until a new judge can be sworn in.

The Bailiffs wheel MG Prime away to the end tune of Dragon Half. 

To be continued…

And now, onto the main story!

Albedo's contribution…

Scene One…

In a forgotten corner of Cybertron, where the Predacons have established their base…

Inferno, just transformed into an Inferno/Inferno transformer, still screamed. Megatron, slightly tired after this whole time, came closer and merely slapped the Inferno BW head in his face.

Mg_ Right, enough of screaming, Inferno!!

The BW head stopped, nodding. The other Inferno kept screaming. Megatron cleared his throat.

Mg_ Aheam…now concerning you, squared Autobot robot… -he looked up and down the Autobot half-…you are ruining the perfect smooth shell of my personal slave, so you'd better leave at once!

Inferno G1 stopped screaming, looked at his BW counterpart, then screamed again. Megatron sighed, shaking his head.

Mg_ Inferno, make him stop.

Inferno, as the obedient wee ant he is, punched the other head. G1 Inferno, obviously, decided to answer back. The fused mech started fighting with itself, as Megatron grumbled something about needing better troops…

…once he felt a poke in his leg.

Glaring waaaaay down, he found a tiny yellow Kiwi, with a purple collar. After trying to stomp it, he had been flooded by dozens of kiwis, as the Predacons affasted and observed him struggle and scream in despair.

Inferno BW, hearing that, did what he was supposed to: screaming the most high pitched "My Queen" he could, in a suicidal move, he threw the whole body into the mass of Kiwis, as the G1 Inferno was unable to protest nor avoid the situation.

A mass of dust revolved on the ground, covering up the scene: the Predacons looked at themselves, nodding and deciding to abandon Megatron to his own fate, wondering if Blackarachnia found a decent nightclub they could have fun at, dragging "Quickstrike" (Elise) with them.

(End of Scene One)

(Begins Scene Two)

As the dust dissipated we take sight of Megatron and the monster Inferno/Inferno tied up with ropes to the ground, as the Kiwi with the purple collar walked before the Predacon leader, pressed a button in his left wing, and a clear voice in Cybertronian started to speak…

Megakiwi_ I summoned you here with a purpose!

Megatron raises one eyebrow.

Mg_ Summon? No one summons Megatron!

Kiwinferno steps ahead, turning his lighter on. Megatron raises one eyebrow.

Megakiwi_ I have a proposition you cannot refuse. I shall provide you with new troops, new powers.

Mg_ A new shell? *wink wink*

Megakiwi_ Hmmm, no unfortunately, we consumed the last ones we had in our… teeth. Yesssssss.

Megatron looks worried for a while, then widened his optics, angry.

Megatron_ HEY! You cannot use my Yess! It's my trademark!

Megakiwi then showed up a trademark document stating that he, the kiwi, was the legal owner of the expression "Yess". Megatron read it quickly, seeing the name of the five Lawyercons signed underneath.

Growling, he shaked his head as Megakiwi restarted speaking.

Megakiwi_ I will give you property on the Yess if you aid me in revenging on a special mech. To aid me, you may use my numerous vicious troops as you please. Deal?

Megatron stared suspiciously, then asked.

Megatron_ Destroy?

Dramatic music plays.

Megakiwi_ I suppose you aren't skilled enough to eliminate this mech for good?

Megatron_ Of course I AM! I am the mighty Megatron and can eliminate anyone in any planet I come by! Who is this poor creature that could be in your deepest worries like this??

An even more dramatic piece plays.

Megakiwi_ Albedo!

LunarFormer's contribution…

LunarFormer: Hello boys. Remember me? *evil grin* I'd stay right where you are Piranacon. *points his hand cannon at the reforming gestalt* Now, look, I know more about these little menaces than you guys do. Listen to me, and you MAY survive. First, does anyone know where I can find Megs' plans for the Kremzeek? Second we'll need twenty tons of mechfluid and scrap metal. Third…*pulls out a large can of some sort of foam*…we need to spray this on every inch of ourselves in order to keep from being attacked by the birds…oh, welcome to the party, Mindwipe!

Zombie Mindwipe: Braiiiiiins…

LunarFormer: Yes, yes, we all know you like to muck with people's brains, says so in your name. Now shut up. Anyway…

(Meanwhile)

Sparksmasher: FlapSnap, you idiot, where did you get to?

FlapSnap: Dunno. Saw my brother though.

Sparksmasher: You know we aren't allowed to go to Ancient Earth.

FlapSnap: But…but I didn't…

Sparksmasher: Shut up and get on the table. It's time for a…*snicker*…tune up.

FlapSnap: Could you at least follow Decepticon military regulations this time? Last time I ended up trying to pull myself off the walls for a week.

Sparksmasher: We'll see.

Autobot HQ, Cybertron…

Rodimus Prime, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Springer, Broadside, Sandstorm and Blaster are present in the meeting room. Prime is telling a story as the others look around in a bored fashion.

Prime: …and that's when I realized that the nun's outfit wouldn't fool Mr. Wierzbowski's Dobermans.

Suddenly a tremendous blaring noise can be heard from the wrists of the Triple Changers, followed by Impactor's voice.

Impactor: ATTENTION ALL WRECKERS! ATTENTION ALL WRECKERS! REPORT TO THE SECRET WRECKER BASE IMMEDIATELY!

The Triple Changers turn off their coms as discretely as they possibly can. After exchanging conspiratorial winks with each other, they all stand up.

Springer: Excuse me, Prime. I have to go home and…make a sandwich.

Broadside: Me too.

Sandstorm: Same here.

Ultra Magnus: What, all three of you?

Springer: …It's a very big sandwich.

All three run out the door.

Arcee: Do you think they'll ever realize that everyone on Cybertron – nay, everyone in this sector of the galaxy – knows of the Wreckers?

Ultra Magnus: Probably not. By the way, anyone else think Impactor's been acting a bit…well, funny lately?

Before anyone can reply the main viewscreen suddenly activates, revealing Impactor wearing a Viking Maiden's outfit and a curly French moustache.

Impactor: Good evening gentlemen! All your base are belong to us!

The viewscreen switches off.

All: Naaaaah.

Prime: Say, where's Blaster?

Everyone looks to Blaster's empty chair.

Prime: He always does this at 4 p.m. every day. Why?

Arcee: Want me to find out?

Prime: Would you? I've got some bad news to impart.

*****

Meanwhile…

Megatron: I believe you mentioned something about new troops, yesssss?

Megatron can be seen walking with Megakiwi as the Inferno/Inferno creature follows behind them, bickering with itself.

Megakiwi: Indeed. But before I do, can you please shut those two up?

Megakiwi indicates the creature before walking into the next chamber. Megatron walks over to the creature and bangs their heads together.

Inferno (Autobot): Mother? Is that you?

Megatron: Silence! Do you want to be eaten?

Inferno A: Better that than betray my code of honor as an Autobot!

Inferno (Predacon): Royalty, can I please kill him? PLEASE?!?

Megatron: No!

Inferno P: Can I at least BURN him a little?

Inferno A: Go ahead and BURN me! Do whatever you want, but it'll be a cold day in the Pit before I betray my ethics and kill a sentient being in cold blood!

Megakiwi walks back into the room.

Megakiwi: Oh by the way, if you help us kill Albedo, we'll separate the Autobot and the ant with the funny mannerisms.

Inferno A: Well, what're we waiting for? Let's go kill us a 'Con!

All:

Inferno A: Look, I don't usually get much to say all right?

Any reply that was coming is cut off by a voice screaming "BWAAAAAAA!"

Inferno A: Galvatron?

Megakiwi: No, it's actually one of your new partners. Say hello to…

Suddenly a white, red and gold armored Decepticon run into the chamber, hollering like a lunatic. The optics of Megatron and both Infernos widen as they recognize him.

Megatron/Infernos: JHIAXUS!!!

Jhiaxus: RRAAAGRH! KILL ALL G1 TRANSFORMERS!

Megatron: Well, that's us in the clear, yesssss.

Jhiaxus: AND KILL ALL DESCENDANTS OF ALL G1 TRANSFORMERS!

Megatron: Dammit.

Megakiwi: Fear not, my English accented friend. We've fitted Jhiaxus with an implant that allows you to control him via this remote.

Megakiwi hands the remote to Inferno A. Curious, he presses a button on the remote causing Jhiaxus to dance and sing.

Jhiaxus: RIGHT ABOUT NOW! FUNK SOUL BROTHER! CHECK IT OUT NOW! FUNK SOUL BROTHER!

Inferno A (getting' his groove on): Cool. Can he do Liberty X?

????: He sure can!

The owner of the voice, a tall silver mechanoid with horns wearing a green tunic and a red cape appears. Everyone gapes at him.

Megatron/Infernos: DEATH'S HEAD!!!

Death's Head: Heard of me, yes?

Inferno P: Well, obviously we have. We wouldn't have called out your name otherwise.

Death's Head: Quiet you!

*****

Back on Char, where Cyclonus is pacing back and forth in a deserted location. Quickstrike is also there, watching the former Insecticon dig himself into a rut.

Quickstrike: Relax, would ya? Bombshell can't be all that bad.

Cyclonus: You don't understand! Back when I was an Insecticon I did some crazy things.

Flashback to 20 odd years ago. Bombshell, Shrapnel and Kickback are pelting Megatron with stuffed parrots while dressed as geisha girls and riding unicycles. End flashback.

Quickstrike:

Cyclonus: And that was when we were sober!

Any more witty banter is stalled by the appearance of the Insecticons carrying two very long cases.

Bombshell: Ready to die, you spark switching girlfriend stealing ho?

Cyclonus: …Ho? (shakes his head) Look, let's just get this over with. Are we going to duel with pistols or what?

Shrapnel: Pistols, pistols? Pffft, pistols are for sissies, sissies.

Bombshell: Yeah! We're going to duel with these!

Bombshell opens the cases, revealing their contents. Cyclonus' expression is similar to that of someone who's seen a porn movie starring Anne Robinson and George Bush Jr.

Cyclonus: We're goind to duel with NUCLEAR MISSILES?!?

Kickback: Correction! Nuclear missiles with a Nucleon warhead!

Cyclonus: B-but…that's crazy!

Bombshell: Yeah, crazy…like a FOX!

Cyclonus: Don't you understand? This is suicidal!

Bombshell: Yeah, suicidal…like a FOX!

Cyclonus: Oh, Primus help me…

*****

Meanwhile, on Cybertron, the reincarnated Predacons are wandering around Iacon, with partying on their minds and corns on their feet. Presently, Tarantulas turns to Scorponok (who had assumed command in the absence of Megatron and Inferno).

Tarantulas: We're lost, aren't we?

Scorponok: For the last time, we are not lost, we're geographically unsure. Now follow me!

Scorponok walks off. Tarantulas, Terrorsaur and Elise make to follow him until they hear sounds of partying coming from a building behind them. Turning around, they spot Blackarachnia impressing the other bar patrons with a spirited rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Terrorsaur: Well, that's our forty-five minute quest over with.

Elise: What do you mean 'over with'? I've still got to find my old body and my beloved Bombshell!

Tarantulas: You keep going on and on about this Bombshell guy.

Elise: Trust me, you would too if you could see that fine specimen of robotic insectoid. Mmm, those well defined muscles, that cute little facemask and his absolutely enormous…

Terrorsaur/Tarantulas: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Elise: What? I was just mentioning his absolutely enormous collection of Barry White albums.

Terrorsaur/Tarantulas:

Elise: What did you guys think I was going to say?

Tarantulas: Oh, nothing. Now to redirect our conversation slightly, has anyone seen Rampage?

Cut to the crab in question, as he views the wares of a stall titled "Cute, Fluffy and Easily Mauled Critters".

Rampage: And how much did you say these were?

We now see the stall owner, who is in fact Depth Charge wearing a Beefeaters hat, a handlebar moustache and a matador's outfit.

Depth Charge: 12,000 shanix per critter.

Rampage: That much? All right then, I'll take four. Just let me get my piggy bank.

Rampage pulls out his piggy bank, which looks like Miss Piggy, and drops it on the ground.

Rampage: And now I shall pick the shanix off the ground, thereby leaving my back exposed and vulnerable.

He does so. Depth Charge immediately whacks him with a billy club, knocking the crab unconscious before dragging him under the stall.

*****

Autobot HQ, where Prime is talking with Smokescreen and Red Alert.

Prime: Seeing as how you two were the closest to him, I thought you should be the first to know.

Red Alert: Know what?

Prime: Inferno…is dead.

We see the look of shock on the faces of Smokescreen and Red Alert.

Smokescreen: Dead? B-but how?

Prime: We don't know. Since he didn't turn up for his duty shift this morning we don't have a body.

Red Alert: Wait a minute…are you saying that Inferno's been declared dead because he didn't show up for work this morning?

Prime: Well…yes.

Red Alert and Smokescreen share a look.

Smokescreen: Did it ever occur to you that Inferno might just be skiving off?

Red Alert: Or perhaps he's been kidnapped!

Prime/Smokescreen: Huh?

Red Alert: Don't you see? Obviously his not coming to work is proof positive that he's been kidnapped!

Smokescreen: By Primus, you're right!

Prime: Eh?

Smokescreen stands up and raises both fists in the air.

Smokescreen: Don't worry old pal, we're comin' to save you!

Red Alert stands up and imitates Smokescreen's stance.

Red Alert: YEAH!

The two of them stand like that for a few seconds until the theme tune to The Simpsons plays from the other room.

Smokescreen: Right after The Simpsons.

Red Alert: Yeah, Homer's zany antics will help us think.

They leave the room, leaving behind a gobsmacked Prime.

                                     *****

Meanwhile, on Char…

LunarFormer: Yes, things are going precisely as planned.

We see the Autobot dressed in a Pikachu costume made from scrap metal and painted yellow using the mech fluid. Panning out, we can see his fellow Kiwi Hunters (minus Windsweeper and Zombie Mindwipe) dressed the same.

LunarFormer: Once Windsweeper and Mindwipe arrive with Sparksmasher and Flapsnap and once Albedo is finished with her secret project, we can begin the hunt!

Snaptrap: That's all well and good, but do we really need these ridiculous outfits?

Starbug: And did we really need to spray ourselves with Cheese flavored-foam-in-a-can?

LunarFormer (holding up said can): Yep! Pikachu and Cheese flavored-foam-in-a-can, the two things the Kiwis fear the most. With this stuff on, we're safe against them.

Albedo enters the room, not wearing the outfit or the cheese, but with seven little robots following her.

Albedo: SUCCESS! I've managed to build my very own Minicons! Now I can fuse with them to increase my power tenfold!

Overbite: All seven of them? Are you sure that's wise?

Albedo: Not entirely. But at any rate, the end result should be quite interesting. Or at the very least funny looking.     

Albedo strikes a dramatic pose.

Albedo: But enough talk! Minicons, COMBINE!

Focus on LunarFormer and the Decepticons as they watch the seven Minicons combine with Albedo. As the procedure finishes we see the shocked expressions of everyone present.

LunarFormer (awed whisper): By the Covenant of Primus…

To be continued…

Next chapter: Faye! Swoop! Perceptor! And Day Two of the Self-Insertion Trial! Don't miss it!