A/N: this is the last chapter, and my friend cried when she read it. I hope it really is as moving as she told me. Stuff in bold italics are words from the song "The Hardest Thing" by 98 degrees. This is at the Digital Bean the next day.
GORDO
We both know that I shouldn't be here,
This is wrong.
I was able to tell that Lizzie was tense. Or maybe nervous is the better word. I couldn't exactly tell which one. I didn't know exactly why, but I had a feeling that deep down, she wanted to tell me. I just prayed that she wouldn't say it.
And, baby, it's killing me, it's killing you.
Both of us trying to be strong.
She bit her lip and gave me an unsure smile as I walked up to her, but I was able to tell that her smile was forced. I've known her for over 10 years, I know her expressions and whether or not they're genuine.
"Have a seat," she told me, her voice a little shaky. I sat on the chair across from her and tried to act casual, like I didn't know what she was planning to do.
"What's up?" I asked, hoping to fool her by my tone. Trying to make her think I didn't sense the awkward mood.
I've made up my mind.
There is no turning back.
"Listen, I… I have to say this before I just flat-out die," she began.
Please don't say it, I silently begged. Please don't.
"I… I think I love you," she blurted.
I couldn't breathe for a moment. I looked away hoping she couldn't read my thoughts with a look into my eyes. This was horrible. Worse than horrible, actually. Much as I wanted to, I didn't love her back. I mean, she was more of a sister to me than anything else. But this…
"Gordo?"
I looked up at her. "Yeah?"
Her eyes were damp. "Say something. Please."
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you.
"You-" my voice cracked. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Man, Lizzie, you don't mean that."
"Yeah I do. I've been thinking about it ever since the crash, and now I'm more sure than ever."
I bit my lip. Don't cry, I told myself. Be a man. But it was too hard for me to be a man when I had to break my best friend's heart.
"I'm sorry," was all I could say.
"You… don't feel the same," she said quietly, surprised. "But… how? I was so sure…"
"Believe me, Lizzie, I've never wanted to love you more than I do right now, but I just… I can't feel anything more than friendship for you."
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie.
To show no emotion when you start to cry.
A few tears fell from her face. "You're serious, aren't you?" Her broken voice made me want to cry with her.
"Would I joke about this?" I returned. She started sobbing and I tried a more gentile approach. "Look, I was feeling a little more for you recently, but since the crash… it's been hard for me to see you as anything more than a really good friend."
"But Gordo…" She continued to cry for a minute, then resumed speaking. "I love you."
We're not meant to be.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you.
"You shouldn't have said that to me," I said, desperately trying not to cry.
"I can't help it," she replied. "I… I had to tell you. It's been eating me alive. You don't understand…"
I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. "No, I don't. But if you want to talk, I'm always here."
She pulled her hand away quickly, like I had burned her. The action shouldn't have stung me as much as it did. "I've made enough of an idiot out of myself already," she answered bitterly. "You tell me you don't love me, then you grab my hand and pretend like everything's OK?"
"Everything's not OK," I replied. "I know that. But… I'm just hoping that someday it will be. You don't know how hard this is for me."
"You? You're the one doing all the harm."
Maybe if I were a normal guy under a normal circumstance I would have taken that as an insult and gotten mad, but I felt so bad for Lizzie at the time.
"I'm only trying to tell you the truth," I said softly. "But I really am sorry. I want to love you, but I can't control my emotions like that."
Lizzie stood. "I have to go," she said. "I mean… I'm leaving. Maybe someday we can be friends again, but this… this'll take me a little while." She sniffed. "But don't call me, OK? I'll call you when I'm ready to talk."
I nodded. "OK."
"Promise not to call me? Promise me, Gordo."
"I promise."
I've got to be cruel to be kind.
She bit her lip and ran out. I felt so guilty for causing her pain, but there was nothing more I could do about it anymore. I could have told her I loved her back, and then we could date and marry and have children, but maybe her heartbreak was better. Because the other option was to live a lie.
All the love I would give her would be fake, and Lizzie deserved so much better than that. She deserved real love.
Maybe another time, another day.
As much as I want to, I can't stay.
I've made up my mind.
There is no turning back.
She never called me after that. I saw her in the halls at school once school started every once in awhile, though. I said hi to her the first few times, but she just silently stared at me, then walked away silently. After that, I didn't say anything else to her.
A year later when I was in college I made a stunning discovery. I truly loved her to. I suppose love works at different speeds for different people. She realized her love for me the day Miranda died, and I didn't realize that I loved her back until it was too late.
Graduation day was the last time I saw her, and that night at the Digital Bean was the last time she spoke to me.
All my love I'll be sending,
And you will never know,
'Cause there can be no happy ending.
A/N: Well???? Whatdja think?!?! Please tell me! And keep checking back, because someone is going to be continuing this fic ex-cluding this chapter, I just wanted to post it anyway for fun because I like it. Lemme know!
