Ashamed
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She whispered softly
To tell her story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
-Creed
"Wash Away Those Years"
RAPHAEL:
"Whaddaya doin'?"
"Researching."
"No shit," I mumbled sarcastically, swinging the chair opposite him around and sitting backwards in it. "What are you researching?"
"Childbirth."
I nodded, smiling. "Planning on having a baby?"
He sighed, and didn't look up. "You're not funny, Raph."
I took a drink from the bottle in my hands. "Yeah, yeah," I mumbled. I was actually in a pretty good mood, all things considering. Probably because I'd finished off two six-packs in the past hour. "Seriously, Donny. I still think she should go to the hospital."
"Well, that's the plan," he mumbled. "But it doesn't hurt to be prepared."
"Mmm hmm," I grinned. "That it? Or you just anxious to get between her legs?"
He looked up at me in shock and anger. "Jesus, Raph, you're sick, you know that?"
I laughed. "C'mon Donny, I was kidding," I assured him. "I'll say more power to ya. But I'd tell you what…" I raised the bottle to my lips and downed half of the now-tasteless liquid inside it. "I don't wanna be anywhere near that girl when she goes into labor."
"Yeah, whatever," he mumbled, reading again. "Can you go sleep it off somewhere else?"
I didn't bother to get offended as I stood up and left the room.
DONATELLO:
Raphael had no idea how much of a distraction he was. Long after he'd left, I couldn't concentrate. Finally, I gave up. I left the books on the kitchen table and walked to my room. Amy was asleep on my bed, huddled under the blankets. It had become a nightly occurrence. She seemed to sleep better here, for some reason. She slept through most of the dreams, even though they woke me up more often than not. I didn't wake her up unless she didn't quiet at my touch. Most times, she did.
I smiled faintly as I saw her. She almost looked like she was at peace when she was asleep. I hoped she was. I hoped there would be no nightmares tonight. But I knew there probably would be. The recovery process was slow and painful. And I knew that.
She'd told me a lot more than I'd expected her to, over the past few nights. She'd detailed her dreams to the point where I couldn't stand to hear any more, and tuned her out. She didn't know when I wasn't listening to her, and since the conversation was mostly to aid in her healing process, I didn't push myself to the limit of what I could take. But at the same time that I determined my cutoff point, I couldn't help but notice the boundaries she'd set for herself. She was a lot stronger than she looked. Emotionally, she was probably the strongest person I knew. Or at least, she would be, once she dealt with some of her fears. She could already handle more pain than I thought imaginable. She'd been forced to.
I approached her silently, and brushed her hair away from her face. She didn't stir. Good. I had some work to do, and I didn't want her waking up in the middle of it.
"Would we have to take Amy's father back to court to prove that he was abusing her? Would that ensure that he doesn't get custody?"
The lieutenant sighed and leaned back in his chair, twirling a pen between his fingers. He was working late again. He seemed to be doing a lot of that. Not that I was complaining; for my part it was great. I preferred to take care of these details at night. "Don, he can't be tried for the same crime twice unless there's some new evidence that was overlooked or unavailable when…"
"What if Amy was pregnant with her father's child?" I shot at him. "Would that be evidence enough for you?"
His eyes went wide. I knew he'd already figured out that I was John, and that Amy was with me. It was unspoken between us, because we both knew the legal dangers of him talking to a "kidnapper."
"She's...?" He didn't finish. In a moment, he regained his composure. "Well, yeah, I'd say that's pretty substantial. If, in fact, it could be proven that the child is his."
"DNA testing could do that."
"Yes," he mumbled, seemingly lost in thought.
"We'll assume he doesn't know yet."
He snapped out of his trance. "About what?"
"That she's pregnant."
He nodded, and was quiet for a moment. "Um," he stammered. "How far along is she?"
"Four months or so."
"Oh, geez," he exhaled, hiding his face.
"She'd be better off staying with John," I mumbled. "I imagine she's an emotional wreck right now and could probably use the security and the one-on-one interaction."
He sighed and ran his fingers down his face. "Don, I really think…"
He was going to argue with me. I didn't want to argue. "I'll keep you posted," I interrupted.
And with that, I cut the connection.
I stared at the blank screen for a moment, before reaching for the phone. But I didn't dial. A soft moan from across the room caught my attention. I cringed, knowing what it probably meant, and set the phone back down.
She tossed her head and arched her neck, whimpering. Tears had already dampened her eyelashes and she gripped the blanket tightly. "No..." she moaned quietly.
I placed a hand on her forehead. A thin layer of sweat had already broken out on her skin. She jerked away from me and cried out in her sleep.
"Amy," I whispered to her. "Amy, wake up. You're dreaming, Amy." I used her name over and over, knowing that if she recognized anything, that would be it. "Amy..."
She moaned once more, and relaxed. She took in a few deep breaths, and was still. For a moment, I thought she was still asleep. But then her eyes opened. She glanced at me before turning on her side, her back to me and her head on her hands. "Amy?" I asked quietly. "You okay?"
She didn't answer. I heard her sniffle quietly, and she wiped her eyes. I glanced once more at the computer, and finally laid down next to her, on top of the blankets. I used my arm to support my head and looked down on her. Still, she said nothing.
"You wanna talk about it?" I don't know who dreaded those words more, me or her. We both knew that any dream she had was immensely painful to discuss.
Therapy had never bothered me before. I could listen to people's problems, and I could offer a solution. And I could read about the psychological effects of any evil. But hearing about the things that had happened to Amy... that was different, somehow, than anything I'd ever encountered. It was more personalized than the reports and textbooks and psychological profiles. And it was more wrong than anything I'd encountered face-to-face.
She said nothing for a long time. I felt her press into me, curling slightly to try and somehow hide herself from the world. My free arm circled her waist and I held her protectively as she cried silent tears. I didn't pressure or rush her. At this point, time didn't matter.
AMY:
I allowed him to comfort me. I heard his gentle, soothing voice, but I didn't listen to the words. I didn't need words. I just needed to know he was there.
I'd never felt safe like I did around him. My entire life was spent running from one painful situation to the next, always in fear. And I knew I'd never really escape. My father would always be there, in the back of my mind. He'd always be a threat. But here, I didn't feel threatened. For the first time in my life, I felt protected. I was protected.
The memories raged in my mind as silent tears streamed down my face. I pressed harder to Donny, trying to escape them; he whispered more comfort. But I couldn't get away from something that was a part of me. I gave up, and surrendered to the pain, allowing the tears to flow freely.
