Regret
I am the only one to blame for this.
Somehow it all ends up the same.
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high,
And like I charus I collide,
With a world I've tried so hard to leave behind.
To rid myself of all but love, to give and die.
(To love you)
Take my world apart
(To need you)
I am on my knees
(To love you)
Take my world apart
(To need you)
Broken on my knees.
-Jars of Clay
"Worlds Apart"
RAPHAEL:
"Leo? You got a minute?"
He looked up. "Sure, Raph. What's up?"
I sat down in the chair across from him and rested my elbows on the table, burying my face in my hands as I tried to think of what to say. It was quiet for a moment. My breathing resounded in my ears. "God, I... I feel like an idiot, Leo," I confessed. "But frankly, I need some stable advice. And I guess if I have to talk to someone, it should at least be someone I know I can trust, right?"
I glanced up at him, not sure what I was hoping for. He stared back, his face expressionless. I pushed the chair back and stood up again, turning away from him. I couldn't stay still. "Alright, you know, I'm not real good with speeches so I'm just gonna flat out tell you this. I slept with Sasha last night."
"I know."
I turned and stared at him. "What do you mean, you know?"
His gaze remained steady on mine. "I knew something was wrong when I got up this morning. It didn't take much to figure out what it was. There was so much emotion it was hard not to feel it."
I turned away from him again and leaned forward against the fridge. "I'm not good with emotion," I mumbled.
"I know," he answered calmly.
He wasn't giving me anything to go on. I still wasn't sure exactly what I was hoping for, but I knew I didn't want to have to keep restarting this conversation. I rested my forehead on the cool metal. "I still don't know how it fucking happened!" The sentence started off calm, but ended with my fist against the freezer door.
"Were you drinking?"
I sighed. "No."
"Raph..."
He didn't believe me. I turned to him. "Shit, Leo, if I was gonna lie to you do you really think I would've started this conversation?"
He studied me for a minute, his gaze unfaltering. I crossed my arms over my chest and gripped my elbows. "And I knew it was gonna happen, dammit!" I shot. Not at him. It was directed more at myself. I had to get this all out of my system now, because no amount of justification was going to help matters when I talked to Kat. And I knew that I had to talk to her. If I didn't tell her, she'd figure it out on her own. She wasn't stupid. Of course, if she never had a chance to see me, it was hard for her to figure anything out!
"I knew it from the moment I fucking saw her! Just that stupid seductive way she looked at me and I tried to tell her then but she was too busy to care!"
"Tried to tell who?" Leo questioned calmly. "Kat?"
"Yeah. But she wouldn't listen. And then the other night, when I went out, she fucking followed me. I mean, I left to get away from that, and she followed me. Deliberately, too. It wasn't an accident."
"You've been with her more than once?" He seemed a little surprised at that. But he was hiding his emotions well.
"No, not like that. Not recently. I mean, I did a long time ago when I was, like eighteen or something. But the other night, I just... Shit, I don't know how it happened."
"You knew she was following you," he reminded me.
I stared at him for a moment. Of course he would know that. I sighed. "Yeah, Leo, I knew," I admitted, turning my head.
"If you wanted to stop her, why didn't you?"
I looked back at him. His voice was totally void of emotion. How the hell did he do it? "I didn't want to stop her," I answered quietly. "I... wanted someone to talk to, and Kat wasn't there." I shook my head and cut my gaze away from him. "She hasn't been there for months. And that doesn't make it right but... I think that's why I did it."
There was a moment of silence. "Did what?"
I sighed. "I kissed her." I continued in a rush. "And I felt real bad about it and I..."
"Did you initiate it?" he interrupted. "Or did she?"
"What the hell difference does it make, Leo?" I yelled.
"It makes a lot of difference," he answered, his voice still calm. Geez, it killed me how he could do that.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head. "I did."
He sighed audibly. I glanced up and saw his eyes closed, and head turned. The emotionless expression was gone, replaced by a look of pain. "Jesus, Raph," he mumbled. I cringed at the disappointment and sadness in his voice, and looked away.
"I tried to tell Kat," I mumbled, looking away. I couldn't stand to see that expression on his face. "I called her at work."
There was a moment of silence. Anger flooded through me again as I considered that conversation. "And?" Leo asked. His voice was calm and emotionless again.
"And she just totally blew me off and was fuckin' patronizing me and shit! Just ripped me up and didn't listen to a word I said when...!"
"Did you tell her?"
I spun, turning my back on him. "What, over the phone? Leo, I'm not smart, but I'm not fucking stupid. Tell me how it could've been a good thing to tell her that in the middle of her shift at work, when she's gotta go through the rest of her night acting like nothing's wrong!"
"She would've come home," he informed me.
"For what?" I demanded, turning on my heel to see him again. "To scream and yell and cry all over the place?"
"Raph," he tried to interrupt.
"And it wouldn't have done a damn bit of good. One of us would've stormed out of here and it would've happened anyhow!"
"Raphael, you're not giving Kat enough credit." I stared at him. "Have you ever known her to be like that?" he demanded. "She's stronger than that, and you know it."
I sighed as I turned away. "Yeah, well, you may be right but I can't change anything," I mumbled. "And I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do now."
He was quiet for a moment. "Well, obviously, you have to tell her."
"How?" I shot sarcastically. "Oh, yeah, Kat, I just fucked my old girlfriend who just so happens to be your former best friend and she was a really great lay. And by the way, as if you care, I really do love you."
He shook his head slowly. "Raph..."
"What, Leo?" I demanded angrily. "What? She won't let me talk to her! Am I just supposed to casually mention it in passing?"
"Raphael, she obviously does not realize that there's any serious threat to your relationship or she would make time to hear you out." I considered that in the moment of silence that followed. "I'm not saying you should say all that in one breath and I'd definitely discourage the sarcasm. But tell her enough to make her realize it's serious and I guarantee she'll listen to you."
"Hey guys."
I spun around and saw Katarina in the doorway. Immediately, instinctively, I looked away. "Hi, Kat," Leo greeted, saving me.
"Hi. What's going on? You two arguing again?" She laughed, her voice tired. I felt her hand on my shoulder and she kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes, guilt sweeping over me. She pressed to me, slipping her hand into mine. Instinctively, I shot Leo a pleading look. His steady gaze spoke volumes, providing a source of strength. God, I wasn't looking forward to this.
With one last breath of encouragement, Leo stood and walked out of the kitchen. Kat moved in front of me and guided my hand around her waist before draping her arms over my shoulders. She rested her head on her arm, burying her face in my neck. I tensed, remembering Sasha's perfume and hoping that I didn't smell like it. I didn't want to be on the defensive side of this.
I wasn't going to fight. I had no right to defend myself, and I knew it. Reasons aside, what I'd done was wrong. So wrong, in fact, that I wasn't entirely sure I could expect forgiveness. Not a word, Raph, I threatened myself. Just the facts. Don't you dare blame her...
I felt her lips press to my neck. "Raph?"
"Yeah?" I choked. It came out as a whisper. I felt my heartbeat quicken.
"I'm sorry. About what I said on the phone. And I'm sorry that I've been so busy. I know this has been really hard on you and I should really have been more sensitive."
Oh, god, Kat, why now? Of all the times you could've picked to apologize, why now?
"No, it's... it's not your fault."
She pulled away and put her cold hands on either side of my face. Then she pulled my lips to hers, kissing me gently. I kissed her back, more out of habit than interest. My mind was elsewhere. The knot in my stomach was making me feel sick.
Her hands slid down, over my neck, and she clasped her hands behind me as her kiss turned more passionate. She pressed hard to me and I had the sudden urge to pull away. Guilt overwhelmed me. She didn't feel it. She pulled away slowly as if nothing was wrong, and stared up at me. I realized I was holding my breath and let it out slowly.
"You wanna fool around?" she smiled, her hands trailing gently over my body. I couldn't answer her. My voice was gone.
She took my hands and smiled seductively up at me. "Come on," she whispered.
Inside our room, she closed the door and pressed hard to me. "Uh, Kat?"
"Shhh..." she breathed, curling her fingers under my plastron and feeling along hidden skin.
With a sudden and determined burst of energy, I grabbed her wrists. "No. Baby, there's something I have to tell you." I cringed, knowing that I couldn't back out now.
She stared up at me, seemingly shocked. "Can it wait?"
"No," I answered quietly. "No, it can't."
I felt my stomach tie in knots and reminisced of another intense confession, much like this one. I had been on the receiving end of it before. This was the first time I was on this side of a talk like this. God, I hoped it would be the last. I lowered her arms to her sides and struggled to find words.
"Kat, I..." I stammered. I turned away from her. "We, uh, we have to talk." I leaned forward against the dresser, facing the wall. "You need to sit down."
"Raph, I..."
"Just sit," I ordered, more roughly than I meant to. "And don't talk 'cause I need to get this out."
I felt her move across the room and the bed creaked slightly as she sat down on the edge of it. There was a long silence. She didn't interrupt it. Finally, I breathed deep. "I... I don't know that there's any easy way to say this..."
It got quiet again. I swallowed hard. This was a hell of a lot easier to say to Leo. "You remember when I said...?"
No! I stopped myself. You are not going to justify this. Just spit it out and shut your fucking mouth!
"I slept with Sasha," I rushed, before I could think about it.
She was quiet for a moment. The calm before the storm. "No, you never told me that," she mumbled. It took me a minute to figure out what she meant. "But Raph, I know you did a lot of things that..."
Warning bells sounded in my head. Raphael, do not let her finish that sentence! "No, I mean..." I cut her off, turning to face her. It was a big mistake. My voice was suddenly gone. She stared at me in confusion. She didn't even suspect... Oh, god, that made it so much harder.
She sighed and looked away. "Raphael, it's okay," she whispered. "That was a long time ago."
My heart broke. I found myself on my knees in front of her. I bowed my head, resting my face in her lap. "No, Kat," I whispered, grief flooding through me. "You don't understand..."
And suddenly, she did. I felt her tense, and there was a deadly silence. "I'm sorry," I breathed, choking on my own voice. I left it at that. No reasons. No justifications. No accusations. Just an apology.
"Oh god," she gasped. I cringed, not sure what to expect. "Why?"
I could think of a million reasons; none of them made it right. It wasn't her fault. I wasn't even going to try and explain. "That doesn't matter."
She jerked away from me. "Yes, it does matter!" she screamed. I clenched my jaw and kept my eyes down. She was on her feet now, towering over me. I hated that, but I wasn't moving. She breathed hard for a moment and turned away, pacing back and forth a few times. I could feel her, even if I couldn't see her.
"Do you love her?"
"No," I answered automatically.
"Then why?"
I cringed. "Because I'm a jackass, Kat. What else do you want me to say?" I looked up at her and saw pain streaking her features. "There's no excuse, and I can't give you one."
She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "Raphael, I..." she stammered.
She spun and headed for the door. "No, Kat, wait!" I stopped her, springing to my feet. She stopped with her hand on the door, but didn't turn back. "Stay here. I'll leave."
I took in a deep breath. She was still for a moment. Then she turned away from the door, keeping her back to me. I slipped out of the room silently.
LEONARDO:
"Where's Raphael?" Mike asked, wandering into the living room. "I haven't seen him all day."
"He was in the training room earlier," Don mumbled. "He looked really upset."
"You talk to him?"
Donny shot him a pathetic look. "Mikey, that's suicide and you know it."
Michaelangelo smiled, but said nothing. Amy, her head resting on Donny's shoulder, opened her eyes. "I haven't seen Sasha all day, either."
"Or Kat," Mike added. All three of them turned to me. "Leo?"
I glanced around at the expectant faces, debating what, if anything, I should tell them. "Kat's got a government paper due tomorrow. I dunno where Sasha is, but that's nothing new."
"What about Raph?"
I shrugged. "Since when does Raph tell me where he's going?"
"Know anything about what's going on with him?" Amy sighed.
"You'll have to ask him that," I mumbled, looking away. "He's probably just got some stuff to work out."
"Does Raphael ever not have stuff to work out?" Amy giggled.
I cast her a questioning glance, saw that the comment was made with the purest intentions, and said nothing. "Raph's got issues," Mike joked. "I'm gonna go get a pizza. You wanna come, babe?"
She shot a pathetic look in his direction. "Mike, I'm nine months pregnant," she reminded him. "Trekking through the sewers does not sound like fun to me."
He smiled and turned to me and Donny. "Guys?"
I shook my head and waved him on, my thoughts elsewhere. I hadn't even considered Sasha. Where was she? Mike and Donny left, and Amy went to go lay down. I glanced at the closed door to Raph's room. She hadn't come out all day. I knew that she'd missed at least one class. Someone needed to at least try and talk to her. I sighed as I stood up. I didn't know what I could possibly say to her to make it better.
ANDREW:
I held her body close to mine, burying my face in her hair. The smelled sweet, in spite of the thin sheen of sweat over her skin. "You're an angel, Sasha, you know that?" She laughed quietly but said nothing. "I don't know what I would do without you."
"You'd suffer," she mumbled.
I pressed hard to her, my cock rubbing against her hip. "You're so fucking good."
"Mmm."
She sounded disinterested. "Hey Sasha?"
"Yeah?"
"You know where Amy is, don't you?"
At the mention of my girlfriend's name, Sasha tensed. There was a moment of silence. "Yes." She turned to look at me. "Why do you ask?"
"You know, she hasn't called me in all the time she's been gone."
She looked back up at the ceiling. "So?"
I laughed. "Whaddaya mean, so?"
She shrugged. "Come on, Andrew, it's not like she ever really meant anything to you. The whole reason you went out with her was because I asked you to, and nothing more."
That was true. "Yeah. But it's the principle of the thing."
She laughed quietly. "The principle of it, huh?" she smiled.
"Yeah."
I pulled back as she turned onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, her kinked hair falling over her bare shoulders. "You want me to take you to her, don't you?"
I smiled. That was exactly what I wanted.
KATARINA:
The gentle knock startled me. I sat up on the bed and stared at the door for a moment. "Who is it?"
"Leonardo."
I stood slowly and brushed my hair off my face. It was hardened there with dried saline. I reached the door and turned the lock, wiping my eyes before I pulled it open. "You need something?" I asked flatly.
A concerned look crossed his face, and he shook his head. "Just wanted to make sure you're okay." His voice came out in a whisper.
I swallowed hard, determined not to start crying again. "Um," he started. "Can I come in? Or do you want to be alone, still?"
The look in his eyes told me he already knew. I wasn't surprised, but I had hoped nobody knew. Not that it was a big secret or anything. I stepped back and opened the door for Leonardo. He stepped into the room and I closed it behind him. I breathed deep, turned, and locked eyes with him. "I'm so sorry, Kat," he whispered.
I nodded slightly. "So you knew?" I choked, too tired to be hurt.
"He told me earlier today. In the kitchen. He... he wasn't sure how to tell you."
Well, at least he hadn't told him because he was treating it like some big secret he needed to keep from me. Leo's hand went to my shoulder and I felt tears well up in my eyes again. "I'm so sorry."
I looked away as the tears overflowed. His arms wrapped around me and he pulled me close. I allowed him to comfort me, hiding my face in his shoulder as quiet sobs wracked through my body. "God, Kat, I'm sorry," he whispered. "Raphael is just..." He sighed, and gave up on trying to finish that sentence. "There's no excuse. I'm so sorry."
I clung to him and cried for a few minutes, grateful for the comfort he offered. Finally, I pulled away. He brushed my hair away from my eyes. For a fraction of a second, I felt threatened. The feeling faded almost instantly. He wasn't making a move on me. That was the furthest thing from his mind. His concerned gaze reflected that of a big brother, who had just seen his sister's heart broken. That feeling was not far from the truth.
"Come on," he guided, taking my hands. "Sit down."
He led me to the edge of the bed and sat down with me. "I just... I don't know what to think at this point," I choked, pressing the heel of my palm to my eye and wiping away the tears.
"No, it's okay," he sighed. "I understand."
I stared down at the floor. "I mean... I know he wouldn't have done it if..."
"That's not..."
He caught himself, torn between defending his brother and comforting me. I glanced at him and saw the pain in his eyes. I forced a smile and rested my hand on his forearm. "Don't, Leo," I whispered. "It's okay. I know. It's just that... I know he's sorry. Or he wouldn't have told me. Right?"
He rested his hand on mine. "He loves you, Kat," he assured me.
"Then why?" I gasped, feeling the tears sting again. "How could he...?"
The tears overflowed and Leo pulled my head to his chest again. "I don't know, Kat."
"I know... what I should do but..." I pulled away and stared at him. "I just... don't trust him anymore! And how can I love him if I don't trust him? He said he was done with all of that... and he... It... bothered me that he'd been with so many women but... he was done with that and..." I collapsed into him again. "God, Leo, I have no respect for him anymore! And I..."
"Shh," he comforted as I began to sob. His hands ran up and down my back gently. "I know. It's okay."
"It's not okay," she choked. "It's wrong."
I sudden noise caught my attention. An argument, and an unfamiliar male voice. Leonardo tensed and stood up, shutting off his emotions like a water faucet. I watched him, dumbfounded, as he quickly moved to the door. "Stay here," he ordered sternly, unsheathing his katana.
AMY:
"You shouldn't be here!" I cried, feeling the tears overflow from my eyes.
I stared at the man with blurry vision. Fierce anger radiated from his eyes. That anger was directed at me. Beyond him, Sasha stood calmly, lighting a cigarette. "What the fuck Amy!" Andrew yelled, drawing my attention back to him. "You disappear off the face of the Earth and don't even bother to fucking call me and I'm the one who's doing wrong by trying to find you?"
I looked away, unable to face him. He was towering over me, less than three feet away. I tried to take a step back to put some distance between us. Where were the guys? Did they all leave? Was I here alone? Oh, god, I prayed I wasn't alone with him! "Please," I begged. "Please leave. You shouldn't be here."
My eyes met Sasha's. How could she? She knew it was wrong! After all they'd done for us, to break their most important rule...
"Why, Sasha?" I demanded, tears streaming down my face. "You know it's against the rules! And the rules are for our safety!"
Sasha laughed cynically. "For our safety, Amy?" she challenged. "The rules are there to control us. You turned your back on your boyfriend. How could you do that? Didn't even think to let him know you were alive."
I clutched my arms across my chest, confused. She was wrong. I knew she was wrong. I was suddenly reminded of how close Andrew was as he reached out and grabbed my upper arms. I gasped involuntarily, and felt helplessness wash over me as his grip tightened. Please... don't hurt me... The baby... It wasn't for my sake that I was afraid. It was the knowledge that he could so easily harm my child.
"Who are you?" a familiar voice demanded.
I caught my breath, relief washing over me as I realized I wasn't alone here. Andrew dropped my arms and spun around. Leonardo stood in the doorway to Raphael's room, sword in hand and prepared to defend his home. I was safe. At least I thought I was, for a moment.
"Jesus!" Andrew cried, his voice a mix of shock and terror. Time stopped, and the world around me was suddenly moving in slow motion. I saw his hand move. Under his jacket, to his waist... pulling something from his belt.
I saw what it was, but I didn't have a chance to scream.
