Phoebe came over to Joey and Chandler's apartment and banged on the door. No one answered, so she tried the door, and found it unlocked. She stormed in and shouted, "Joey Francis Tribbiani!"
Joey reluctantly came out of Chandler's bedroom. Chandler had given Joey some space by sleeping apart from him last night, but he had already gone and left for work now. Joey had been just lying there in his bed and remembering the happier moments of their relationship. The happiness was too often bittersweet.
As soon as she saw Joey, she yelled, "There you are!" and hit him.
Joey pulled back. "Whoa, Pheebs, I know why you're mad at me and Chandler, but--"
"Shut up!" she violently knocked over a stool and was near tears. "You, you--! How could you not tell me? Once a month we always get together and discuss the others, and you never told me this! You never said you were screwing him."
"I wasn't just screwing him, I loved him!" He wanted to be angry with her, but then he saw her crying and couldn't understand why she was this upset about not being trusted with the secret. "I couldn't tell you, Pheebs, or anybody! He always wanted to go back to her in the morning, and he made me promise never to tell Monica and hurt her."
"Hurt her? You crossed that line when you cheated on her! God, I can't believe you. If you couldn't tell Monica, you could at least tell me!"
"Why?"
"Because I love her!"
"What?!" He was shocked.
She finally calmed somewhat when she realized that she'd kept an important secret from Joey too. "That's--that's right," she nodded sadly. "You're not the only one to fall for your roommate. That's why I moved out."
"I thought you moved out because you couldn't take her obsessive cleaning."
"That was just my excuse. No, I asked my grandma if I could live with her so I could get away from my feelings. If Monica--if she could ever love me, I wanted it to happen because she really wanted me, not because we were roommates and convenient."
Joey thought about that and frowned. "I should have done that with Chandler, I guess."
She shrugged. "It doesn't matter, because I've just let her move back in with me." She shook her head and slumped onto a chair. "I'm just, I'm so pathetic."
Joey sat down with her and hugged her. They were silent for a while.
Joey finally said, "What's wrong with us? Why do we love the ones we can't have?"
"I don't know." She sighed and looked frustrated. "If you had just freaking told me about Vegas, I would have broken it to Monica and she could have dumped Chandler then, and there never would have been a wedding, and we'd never have to stand there and watch them make vows to each other."
"That wouldn't mean that they'd be with us instead."
"I know, but that's not the point. I can't let somebody hurt her like that."
"With Chandler, it's always about the hurt. You'd think I'd learn. Why couldn't I just say no to him? Why couldn't I let go? I should have moved away when he moved across the hall. I should have left and not come back."
"You mean that?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Being with him now... But what if it doesn't last, you know? What if he leaves me again for her or somebody else? He's always saying he'll change, and he doesn't. How can I go through that again?"
"I don't know."
"I mean, I want to believe things can get better. I want him to love me, for real this time, but I think maybe it's just hopeless."
"I know. But sometimes you have to hope anyway. Otherwise, what's the point of living?"
They comforted each other for a while, confessing all that they had held back about their secret loves all these years. Finally Phoebe got up to go.
She sighed and stopped at the door. "Joey, remember when we agreed to be each other's backup?"
He nodded.
"Maybe we should just forget about them and get together ourselves."
Joey wasn't sure.
"I know, I know. I'd still think about her every night too." She sighed heavily, then left and closed the door behind her.
***
Phoebe came home to find Monica looking through some donor profiles from a sperm bank. She wasn't even cleaning for once.
"Mon?" she asked. "Are you really serious about having a baby now?"
She nodded. "Yeah, um, part of me was wondering if I was doing it because I just wanted something to love right now, when my life is crap. But then I realized that I always wanted a baby even when I was happy, romantically speaking. I just, I think it's time to take control and just do it."
"All right." Phoebe sat down with her and looked at all the donor profiles. "So where are your piles of no, maybe, acceptable, and why-can't-I-meet-a-guy-like-this?"
Monica started to point each pile out, but then she stopped. "Oh wait, I can't have a baby right now! I don't know where I'm gonna live."
"You're living with me."
"That's just for now. I--I don't know if I can stand to live in my old apartment anymore, or even keep it after the divorce. How can I have a baby, when I don't know where I'm gonna raise it?"
"You can, you can raise it here."
"What? No, Pheebs, that's sweet, but I can't ask you to deal with a crying baby."
"I don't mind. I really wouldn't. I'd like having a baby around. Remember when I had the triplets for Frank and Alice? I visit and babysit for them sometimes, but it's not the same as having my own baby, you know?"
Monica nodded. "That's exactly how I feel about babysitting Emma, and Ben. Sometimes I think being just an aunt is the worst pain ever." She hugged Phoebe, and after a silence she said, "Maybe, maybe we should have a baby, you and me. You can be my Lamaze coach and we'll take care of the baby together."
Phoebe burst into tears. She tried to say something sensible to cover for it, but she couldn't control her voice anymore.
"Pheebs?" Monica tried to hug her, looking sorry.
"Wh-what are you trying to do to me?" she sobbed. "You, you--" She moaned and hid her face. "I love you, Mon. I love you!"
Monica turned Phoebe to face her and kissed her lips. "I know."
She started to calm down, but remained wary. "You do?"
Monica caressed her face and nodded. "I started to get the feeling last night, in your bedroom. I was scared at first, but then you were so nice, and you never even came onto me or got creepy. I, I did understand that you were telling me you loved me as more than just a friend, but I didn't want to say anything unless I was sure of what I felt in return. I mean, I'm just getting over Chandler and my feelings are all mixed up. I just had to go and think about it, you know?"
Phoebe nodded. "And--and are you still thinking?"
Monica sighed and looked tender. "No, because I realized something: the only way for me to know if I could really love a woman is to actually go sleep with one. I didn't know if I wanted to risk our friendship to find out, but just now, when you said you loved me, I felt, I felt--" She paused and took both of Phoebe's hands, squeezing them for strength. "I felt so close to you, and I-I'm not scared to go to bed with you. I'm not scared to try. Take me to your room, Phoebe, and let's find out if I could love a woman."
Joey reluctantly came out of Chandler's bedroom. Chandler had given Joey some space by sleeping apart from him last night, but he had already gone and left for work now. Joey had been just lying there in his bed and remembering the happier moments of their relationship. The happiness was too often bittersweet.
As soon as she saw Joey, she yelled, "There you are!" and hit him.
Joey pulled back. "Whoa, Pheebs, I know why you're mad at me and Chandler, but--"
"Shut up!" she violently knocked over a stool and was near tears. "You, you--! How could you not tell me? Once a month we always get together and discuss the others, and you never told me this! You never said you were screwing him."
"I wasn't just screwing him, I loved him!" He wanted to be angry with her, but then he saw her crying and couldn't understand why she was this upset about not being trusted with the secret. "I couldn't tell you, Pheebs, or anybody! He always wanted to go back to her in the morning, and he made me promise never to tell Monica and hurt her."
"Hurt her? You crossed that line when you cheated on her! God, I can't believe you. If you couldn't tell Monica, you could at least tell me!"
"Why?"
"Because I love her!"
"What?!" He was shocked.
She finally calmed somewhat when she realized that she'd kept an important secret from Joey too. "That's--that's right," she nodded sadly. "You're not the only one to fall for your roommate. That's why I moved out."
"I thought you moved out because you couldn't take her obsessive cleaning."
"That was just my excuse. No, I asked my grandma if I could live with her so I could get away from my feelings. If Monica--if she could ever love me, I wanted it to happen because she really wanted me, not because we were roommates and convenient."
Joey thought about that and frowned. "I should have done that with Chandler, I guess."
She shrugged. "It doesn't matter, because I've just let her move back in with me." She shook her head and slumped onto a chair. "I'm just, I'm so pathetic."
Joey sat down with her and hugged her. They were silent for a while.
Joey finally said, "What's wrong with us? Why do we love the ones we can't have?"
"I don't know." She sighed and looked frustrated. "If you had just freaking told me about Vegas, I would have broken it to Monica and she could have dumped Chandler then, and there never would have been a wedding, and we'd never have to stand there and watch them make vows to each other."
"That wouldn't mean that they'd be with us instead."
"I know, but that's not the point. I can't let somebody hurt her like that."
"With Chandler, it's always about the hurt. You'd think I'd learn. Why couldn't I just say no to him? Why couldn't I let go? I should have moved away when he moved across the hall. I should have left and not come back."
"You mean that?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Being with him now... But what if it doesn't last, you know? What if he leaves me again for her or somebody else? He's always saying he'll change, and he doesn't. How can I go through that again?"
"I don't know."
"I mean, I want to believe things can get better. I want him to love me, for real this time, but I think maybe it's just hopeless."
"I know. But sometimes you have to hope anyway. Otherwise, what's the point of living?"
They comforted each other for a while, confessing all that they had held back about their secret loves all these years. Finally Phoebe got up to go.
She sighed and stopped at the door. "Joey, remember when we agreed to be each other's backup?"
He nodded.
"Maybe we should just forget about them and get together ourselves."
Joey wasn't sure.
"I know, I know. I'd still think about her every night too." She sighed heavily, then left and closed the door behind her.
***
Phoebe came home to find Monica looking through some donor profiles from a sperm bank. She wasn't even cleaning for once.
"Mon?" she asked. "Are you really serious about having a baby now?"
She nodded. "Yeah, um, part of me was wondering if I was doing it because I just wanted something to love right now, when my life is crap. But then I realized that I always wanted a baby even when I was happy, romantically speaking. I just, I think it's time to take control and just do it."
"All right." Phoebe sat down with her and looked at all the donor profiles. "So where are your piles of no, maybe, acceptable, and why-can't-I-meet-a-guy-like-this?"
Monica started to point each pile out, but then she stopped. "Oh wait, I can't have a baby right now! I don't know where I'm gonna live."
"You're living with me."
"That's just for now. I--I don't know if I can stand to live in my old apartment anymore, or even keep it after the divorce. How can I have a baby, when I don't know where I'm gonna raise it?"
"You can, you can raise it here."
"What? No, Pheebs, that's sweet, but I can't ask you to deal with a crying baby."
"I don't mind. I really wouldn't. I'd like having a baby around. Remember when I had the triplets for Frank and Alice? I visit and babysit for them sometimes, but it's not the same as having my own baby, you know?"
Monica nodded. "That's exactly how I feel about babysitting Emma, and Ben. Sometimes I think being just an aunt is the worst pain ever." She hugged Phoebe, and after a silence she said, "Maybe, maybe we should have a baby, you and me. You can be my Lamaze coach and we'll take care of the baby together."
Phoebe burst into tears. She tried to say something sensible to cover for it, but she couldn't control her voice anymore.
"Pheebs?" Monica tried to hug her, looking sorry.
"Wh-what are you trying to do to me?" she sobbed. "You, you--" She moaned and hid her face. "I love you, Mon. I love you!"
Monica turned Phoebe to face her and kissed her lips. "I know."
She started to calm down, but remained wary. "You do?"
Monica caressed her face and nodded. "I started to get the feeling last night, in your bedroom. I was scared at first, but then you were so nice, and you never even came onto me or got creepy. I, I did understand that you were telling me you loved me as more than just a friend, but I didn't want to say anything unless I was sure of what I felt in return. I mean, I'm just getting over Chandler and my feelings are all mixed up. I just had to go and think about it, you know?"
Phoebe nodded. "And--and are you still thinking?"
Monica sighed and looked tender. "No, because I realized something: the only way for me to know if I could really love a woman is to actually go sleep with one. I didn't know if I wanted to risk our friendship to find out, but just now, when you said you loved me, I felt, I felt--" She paused and took both of Phoebe's hands, squeezing them for strength. "I felt so close to you, and I-I'm not scared to go to bed with you. I'm not scared to try. Take me to your room, Phoebe, and let's find out if I could love a woman."
