[This chapter takes place during the beginning of season five, especially episodes 501, 502, 505, and 509, when Chandler and Monica's relationship is still a secret.]
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Phoebe greeted Monica, Chandler, and Joey when they returned from their trip to London.

After hugs and chitchat, Joey made a quick excuse to return to his apartment. "All right, I'm gonna go say hi to the chick and the duck."

"Oh, me too!" Phoebe said.

Joey stopped her. "Why would you need to say hi to them? You've been feeding them for four days."

"Oh, right." She shrugged. "Maybe I'll just go home."

Joey hurried into his apartment and quickly locked the door. Chandler had his own key, of course, but at least Joey would have some warning when he came in.

Then Joey leaned on the foosball table and exhaled painfully, finally letting go of the emotions that he'd been holding in ever since that brutal breakup on the plane. And it wasn't even a breakup, either, because Chandler still considered them sex buddies and not a romantic couple.

Joey couldn't believe that he'd actually thought Chandler was ready two nights before to say that he loved Joey. How stupid could he be? Joey choked back a sob.

The chick and the duck came over to him, flapping their wings and making a commotion, as if to say, "What's wrong?"

Joey looked at them sadly and whispered, "He dumped me." It hurt even worse to say it out loud.

Shocked, the birds quacked and scratched around some more.

Joey just went into his room and locked that door too, in case Chandler felt like checking in on him. Then he miserably lay down on the bed. Joey almost wished that he had let Phoebe come with him, so that he could tell her all of this, and maybe she'd be nice and hold him comfortingly.

For now, only the chick and the duck knew about all the bedroom-hopping of the past three months, and their comfort wasn't exactly helpful. So Joey just lay there, alone.

***

After London, Joey avoided being alone with Chandler, and Chandler started acting strangely, as if he had a secret lover somewhere. Joey knew all the signs.

First Chandler kept that London girl a secret, and now he was keeping some New York girl a secret. Joey vaguely wondered how Chandler had acquired a new girlfriend so soon after London. Possibly it was Janice again, and Chandler was too ashamed to let any of his friends know that he'd gone back to her.

Joey ignored him and worked on mending his broken heart; he even made a pass at Monica, asking her for "some sugar" when Chandler kept kissing Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica in some weird European custom. Monica refused Joey's advances, but he didn't much care. She was hot, but Joey still didn't know what made her so special to Chandler.

But then, after a suspicious weekend out of town, Joey discovered that Chandler's mystery girlfriend was Monica. After Monica and Chandler swore Joey to secrecy about their relationship, he and Chandler returned to their apartment together.

Joey was stunned and kept thinking back to London. So Monica was the girl that Chandler had hid under the covers that night? She was the reason why Chandler had dumped him on the plane? No wonder.

Excited, Chandler suddenly squeezed Joey's shoulders. "Man, this is so great!"

Joey frowned. "You mean, you and Monica?"

"Well, yeah, that too," Chandler shrugged. "But no, I mean, you finding out about us."

Why would he be happy about that?

Chandler hugged him. "God, Joe, this past month has been so terrible! Trying to come up with excuses all the time, not being able to tell you about London... I never thought I'd have to keep a secret from you, Joe. Never!"

Joey just stood there, not knowing what to say.

Chandler sighed in contentment. "I don't care that nobody else knows. Just you."

"Thank you?" Joey responded awkwardly. He really didn't want to know.

Chandler still held on to Joey. "I promise I'll tell you everything from now on, okay?"

Joey groaned. *Great! Just what I need right now.*

Bewildered by Joey's reaction, Chandler frowned and remembered how strange Joey had acted a month ago on the flight home. He lowered his voice and sounded regretful. "I'm sorry about what happened on the plane, Joe. I never wanted it to be that sudden or to sound so ungrateful to you. Those three months we had were incredible, you know? Really wonderful."

"Then why end it?" Joey pulled back from him and searched his eyes.

Chandler looked confused. "You know, 'cause I have a girlfriend now." He laughed happily. "And not just any girlfriend--Monica! I mean, to think that a woman like her could want a guy like me! I--Joe, what's the matter?"

Joey had turned away from him and sat down on a stool with a sigh. He shrugged and tried to look bored. "I just--I never got what you saw in her."

Chandler sat on the other stool and shrugged too. "I'm sorry, I guess I did talk your ear off about her a lot. I mean, I know she's so neurotic and controlling sometimes, but she's also so sexy and vulnerable too. You should have seen her when that drunk guy mistook her for Ross's mom. As if her mom's criticisms weren't enough!"

Joey wished that he could hate Monica the way that Rachel hated Julie, or Bonnie, or Emily, but Joey had been friends and neighbors with Monica for years. He knew her, cared about her, and wished her all the happiness in the world--just not with Chandler. If Chandler had to break Joey's heart with a new girlfriend, why someone so close to home? Someone that Joey couldn't hate?

"Enough about her!" Chandler said when he noticed Joey brooding. He put his arm around Joey's shoulder. "I was trying to apologize to you for all the secrecy and everything. You forgive me, right?"

Joey sighed and grunted. He would rather have lived in ignorance.

Chandler frowned and looked concerned. "Joe? Come on, you're my best friend. You gotta know that. I wanted to tell you, I did, but Monica wasn't sure until after London that she wanted to stay together in New York, so we didn't tell anybody. Then we weren't sure what the rest of you guys would think, and now after a month it's become a habit, you know? She doesn't want to make a big deal out of it."

Joey asked quietly, "Are you, are you guys just fooling around?" Chandler had wanted to keep him and Joey a secret because they were just "fooling around"; maybe he and Monica were just a fling.

Chandler shook his head. "No, I don't think so. This one time, Rachel tried to set Monica up on a date with a male nurse, and I got jealous, so me and Mon discussed whether we were goofing around or not." He smiled. "We decided that we weren't and she started calling me her secret boyfriend."

"Oh." Joey was disappointed. But then again, wasn't being a "secret boyfriend" similar to being a "sex buddy"? Was he just grasping at straws?

Chandler continued, still grinning. "You know, just today, I thought we were going to break up because of our fight on our trip, but she said it was just a fight. I mean, she even said we're in a relationship now! How about that?"

Joey felt better when Chandler mentioned their fight. If not today, maybe Chandler and Monica would break up someday. It wasn't too late yet. Chandler would do something that ticked Monica off, or Monica would do something that turned Chandler into a commitment-phobic freak again. That was how all of Chandler's relationships ended.

"Are we okay?" Chandler asked.

Joey nodded, happy at least that Chandler needed his approval and forgiveness so much.

"Good!" Chandler hugged him close again, and seemed to linger. Then he invited Joey out to a basketball game, and they left together.

***

For a while, Joey tolerated Chandler's relationship with Monica, but just barely. Since Joey knew their secret, they kept doing it in Chandler's bedroom and blaming Joey when they accidentally left underwear or razors in each other's apartments. Knowing about them, let alone keeping their secret from the others, wore his patience thin.

Joey threatened not to lie for them anymore, but they begged him to give them another chance.

"All right!" he said, then turned to Monica. "But you do it with me once."

She refused, of course, and Joey was tempted to make the same request to Chandler, but decided to wait until he and Chandler were alone for that. One way or another, Joey wanted to stop waiting and just break them up.

So later, while Monica was at a literature class with Phoebe, Joey leaned over to Chandler and quietly suggested having a threesome.

Chandler blinked and turned away from the TV. "Wh-what?"

Joey shrugged casually. "You know, for old times' sake."

Chandler laughed nervously. "I told you, Joe, she's not that kind of girl."

"Are you sure?" he persisted. "I mean, she agreed to make that sex video with you."

"Yeah, but..." Chandler seriously thought about it, and wondered if Joey had a point.

Joey reached over and put a hand on Chandler's knee. "It could be fun," he whispered, and watched Chandler's eyes.

Chandler still hesitated, but definitely looked tempted. So Joey turned off the TV and kissed Chandler, who didn't push him away. "I--I forgot what you taste like," he sighed.

Joey smiled. "Then let me remind you." He pulled Chandler onto his lap and kissed him feverishly. They started making out, and Joey almost thought he might get a twosome right now instead of a threesome later.

But then Chandler's conscience asserted itself. "N-no!" he pulled away from Joey and shook his head. "No. This--this is wrong."

"Why?" Joey asked. "If it's a threesome, she'll--"

"No!" Chandler swallowed and returned to his own recliner. "No, um, it--it would be one thing if we were just fooling around, but, um, Monica and I are really serious now. We--we said 'I love you' to each other."

"You did?" Joey sat back, disappointed.

Chandler nodded. "Yeah, so, um, I can't take the risk of messing this up. I'm--I'm sorry, Joe. Thank you for the offer, anyway." He coughed and left the apartment, probably going to wait for Monica to come home.

Joey sighed and just sat there, realizing sadly that Chandler and Monica might really not break up after all. They had even said "I love you," which was more than Chandler had been willing to do with Joey. It hurt deeply, but Joey decided he ought to be happy for Chandler and just move on.