Gee, guess who I saw when I woke up? Long dark hair, serious expression,
arched eyebrows and all?
And gee, what another surprise. Not happy. Really, really not happy. I closed my eyes. I did not have the strength to listen to him read me a well-earned riot act. Part of me felt guilty and felt I should listen to him and another part me, probably mostly, the five-year-old part decided well, if he had only been forthcoming with me, I wouldn't be in this state. Whatever this state was exactly.
I closed my eyes again and tried to act unconscious, but he was having none of it.
"Marie. I know you are awake." He said mildly as he finished wrapping my right foot, and put it under the blanket. Turning, he went to the table where I usually ate my meals, discarded the old bandages and picked up a roll of clean linen for the next foot. I was really tired and could think of nothing to say that wouldn't just get me into deeper trouble here.
As he unwrapped the bandage, I winced and jerked my foot. It really hurt. I looked down and saw what I had been avoiding all day. A missing fourth toe and the tip of another one. My eyes filled with tears and I turned away from the bloody mess I had made of them.
Why hadn't he told me? I wondered what was missing on my right foot. I brought a hand up and wiped my tears away. Why hadn't he said anything?
I closed my eyes and remained silent. I didn't want to talk to him. Besides I was still getting over my cold, my feet ached and I was tired. I couldn't roll over with him holding on to my foot. I was sort of a captive audience.
He finished with my foot and put it under the blanket as well, going back over to the little table to dispose of the soiled linen.
He brought over a goblet and lifted my head. I refused to drink it. I scrunched my eyes closed and turned my head away. He could just send me to sleep if he so desired, but I wasn't going to take any more medicine now. Who knows what it was for or what it would do to me?
"Marie. You need to drink this."
Childish as it was, I shook my head and pressed my lips close together. I hate to say it, but I just wanted him to leave. I needed to think things through and he was way too distracting.
I heard him set the goblet down on the bedside table and I rolled over, away from him and pulled the blanket up. 'Just go!" I thought to myself. Just leave me to my misery.
I heard him sigh, and in moments, I knew I was alone.
I got as comfortable as I could and tried to go to sleep. But it wouldn't come. I think I was too tired. I rolled about in my bed and sighed angrily as I caught sight of the innocuous goblet sitting there. Maybe I should-no I wasn't going to take it. I just knew it was not a sleeping draught and I would not give him the satisfaction of taking it.
I tiredly pulled myself up and blew out the bedside candles and felt better simply because it was dark. I slept finally.
Another nightmare!! A real one! I was suffocating in snow and it was freezing and then I was hot and the snow was melting but I couldn't stay warm! I tried to get out from under the blanket of snow, but I couldn't budge it. I started coughing as I choked, and that actually woke me up.
I sat up, my head whirling, still coughing and I knew I was fighting a fever. But I had to cool off. I was so hot! I stumbled out of bed mindless of my feet and went out to the patio and sat on the edge of the fountain. It had stopped snowing and the sky was full of brilliant stars. It was beautiful. I wondered idly which one was earth, my earth. I picked up some snow from the edge of the fountain and rubbed it on my face. Ahh, that felt so good! I blearily looked at the frozen surface on the fountain and slowly traced patterns in the thin covering of snow over the ice. Ice skating elves, ahh, what a picture.
I slid down to the side of the fountain, and rested my hot head on the cold stone edging and sighed grateful for the iciness. See, I knew I could take care of this myself.
But the cold made my feet ache something fierce.
The snow and ice were making my head ache too, so I tiredly got up and dragged myself back to my bed, trailing water and steam from my breath.
I fell into my bed and fell asleep once more.
This time I was sitting too close to the fire, we were camping and I could see nothing beyond the flames. I could hear murmurs and movement but no elves. No elves. I was alone. I wanted to get away from the fire, but I couldn't move. And I was so thirsty. I needed the snow, if I could get up, I could lie in the snow again and that would make me feel a lot better. Snow. I wanted ice. I wanted water---
A trickle of water! I could feel it wetting my lips I opened my mouth eagerly and then started coughing and there went the water. Ooh, my chest hurt. I leaned forward and opened my eyes, which felt all dry and sandy. It was, I didn't know when it was, but I could feel a hand against my upper chest as I coughed. The cough went away slowly and I found myself laying against a mound of pillows.
My vision swam, but a face leaned in and I pulled away at first uncomprehendingly. I was so hot. Words I didn't understand floated about me, I could hear movement. Perhaps I was back at the fire again. I needed to get away from the fire. I flung off my blankets and tried to get up. But I was restrained
"Hot! I-so hot!" I croaked dryly. I struggled against the arms holding me and tried to focus.
It wasn't Elrond, but another elf. I struggled harder. Even Elrond had deserted me. He-he had chopped off my toes and left me. With this stranger. I struggled again. "No. No. I need snow!! The fire is too hot!"
Another face leaned in close and began murmuring softly and I looked up...I struggled harder. It was Elrond! Was he going to chop off something else!!?? I started crying and tried to pull away.
"Don't touch me!! No, no, no! Don't chop anything else off!! Please!!"
"Marie! Hush. I am not "chopping" anything. You are very sick..." His voice faded off and darkness took me.
Coughing, my coughing woke me up completely this time. I brought a hand to my chest and tried to sit up. A damp cloth fell off my forehead in my lap and I stared at it a moment, blinking trying to find some dots I could connect. I looked around my room and saw a bowl of steaming herbs and a pile of cloths and several bottles and a goblet. I grabbed it and downed it making a face. If it turned me into a three headed toad I didn't care. I looked around on the table to see if there was anything else I could drink, but nothing else looked good.
Why was this happening to me??
We had gone to Rhosgobel and I had been useful and met Prince Legolas and Lord Elrond and I had had this nice ride back...and then it all fell apart.
The stupid avalanche and being swallowed up by the snow and then, then my toes getting amputated!! And he hadn't said anything but doped me up and prepared everything as if my opinion counted for nothing and he could just do the deed and have done with it. Me all unknowing.
But even I in my wretched state could see why he would have done it all that way. Like I would have docilely gone along, with him telling me, "Oh by the way this morning after breakfast I am going to amputate some of your toes, so don't go anywhere all right?"
And here I lay getting over the flu or bronchitis or something, my feet mangled because I had felt impelled to take a stroll in the snow and make everything worse no doubt.
I sniffled at my own stupidity and confusion and hunkered down in my blankets. Whatever was in the goblet was not a sleeping draught so I had time to think on my sins more. What an idiot! What a thrice cursed dunderhead!! Tired and sick, I just lay there, staring at the rug out in my room. Now, undoubtedly I had crossed the line, Now I WAS going to be tossed either to the wolves or left on the East Road. Lord Elrond would never treat me as a well, not an equal of course, a friend? an assistant?--- whatever, again. I had really botched up our relationship beyond repair here with my childish behavior.
My stay in Rivendell was going to come to a screeching halt.
I covered my face with my hands and turned my face into my pillow and cried until I could not cry any more. I lay there, head pounding, nose all stuffed up and put the only marginally damp cloth back over my forehead again. It had been soaked in herb scented water, rosemary and lavender it smelled nice, what little got through my nose.
I lay there my thoughts sinking deeper and deeper into despair until I knew with finality, I had messed everything up completely and utterly and that I had probably better think about what I was going to do---outside of Rivendell.
Okay, well you can all stop snickering out there. It was kaput! Finito! Over and done with!! How else would one of you look at it??? Not so simple an issue is it? Especially if you had been the horse's behind I had been.
Making my resolution, I lay there and waited for sleep or a visitor. Sleep came first.
Ah, it was the wonderful quiet that snow makes, late in the evening. I opened my eyes and the room was filled with pale lavender twilight. One candle burned at my bedside. I could smell broth and I turned my head to see a bowl steaming. I raised my head, which still felt heavy. Pulling myself into a sitting position, I took the broth and drank it down. It was warm and chicken-y. Even here in Middle Earth, chicken soup was good for what ails you. I got out of bed and used the bathroom and drank two glasses of water.
Now I was full. I sat against my pillows and thought long and hard.
I made a few resolutions too. Even though, well Iluvatar only knew when Elvish New Year's was.
I would not argue with Elrond any more. I might have to do myself bodily harm, but I would zip my lip and not do anything to contradict him.
I would endeavor to keep my whining down to a dull roar and occupy myself as best I could.
I would leave Rivendell as soon as possible.
Wait, wait you say? Did I just declare I was going to leave Rivendell??
Yup, yup, yup. I was driving the elf lord nuts. Humorous, is it? I was beginning to think not. He was constantly dancing attendance on me. I was constantly requiring aid, first or otherwise. Oh, yeah, and while he was rendering aid, what did I do? Fight like a wild cat. Productive. I was not Elvish and my skills, though improving, were minimal. (Okay light years better than my ol' friend Fingalan, but he was a special case.)
But how to do it? How to get out of this hidden vale of Imladris?? I would have to wait for an opportunity.
In the meantime...watch out elf lord!! I was going to be so agreeable, it would roll off his no doubt silk leggings right off!!
Relaxing with the thought of things feeling resolved, I slid off to sleep again.
Evening found me awake and sitting up, trying hard to concentrate on the Lay of Beren and Luthien again. I wished I had more candles because some of the Tengwar was written with little flourishes, making some of it hard to decipher.
Trying to puzzle out the words; was it "willow green" or willow branch" I was caught up in that and missed yet again another silent entrance by Elrond.
Looking up, I smiled and said, "Good evening, what brings you here?" I set the book aside and leaned over and grabbed the goblet. Turning it over above the floor, I added, "See, completely empty!"
He took it with a smile and set it back on the table. "I am here to see how you are doing." He leaned forward, I flinched but did not dodge at the last minute as he lay a hand on my forehead.
I looked up at him smiling. "All better right?"
Grinning he sat on the edge of the bed. "Well, not quite, but you are mending." He lifted the book off the quilt. "Ahh, the Lay of Beren and Luthien, one of my favorites."
"Good! What is that word there? I cannot read around the little flourish, is it "branch" or "green"?"
Taking the slim leather volume he looked at it and began to read it aloud. I sat there enraptured as I have never heard him read poetry before, and I am afraid my mouth hung open a bit. He stopped when he glanced at me and I instantly composed myself. "Ah, so I guess it was "willow green." Thank you."
What a voice he had. I blinked several times.
"You are welcome. Do you think you can eat anything?"
"Okay, well, maybe some more of that chicken soup. I am not too hungry right now." I looked at him and clutched my hands together. No matter my resolution, I had to know. It would just eat away at me otherwise.
"Why did you not tell me about my toes?" I leaned forward, my eyes intently searching his face. "You, you really scared me! I didn't know what was happening and when I saw that room and all that stuff I got terrified and ran." I hugged myself as I shivered suddenly. "It was really frightening." I could feel my eyes watering up and I swallowed quickly. I did not want to cry and distract him. I bit my lip and stared at the beautiful precise stitches in the quilt beneath my hands and then winced at them, I closed my eyes. Stitches, I'd had enough of those! I shivered again.
A slender finger tipped my head up and his deep grey eyes were glowing with warmth. I was not afraid and stopped shivering. "Marie. I took what I thought would be the least stressful approach for you. I was wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten you. My idea in drugging you was to frighten you as little as possible! I had planned on you simply falling asleep and waking up a few hours later none the wiser about the surgery until I told you. I not only made a mistake in your dosage, but in not being honest with you and for that I apologize profusely. It will never happen again."
I sat there shocked into incredulity. Elrond was apologizing to me? He wouldn't have had to try such shenanigans if I had been a little less a wild cat. Now I felt embarrassed!
The silence stretched out until thankfully I had a cough fit. Elrond stood up and shook his head. "I best go make some more syrup for that cough of yours."
I nodded, still hacking up a lung. It must be bronchitis, with a cough like this. Elrond paused and came back over to me. He lay me back against the pillows and lay a hand on my chest, his face serious. My need to cough tapered off and I said hoarsely, breathing hard, "Thank you. It really hurts."
"It sounds dreadful Marie." His hand did not move and I felt his warmth sink deep into my lungs. My breathing eased up and I closed my eyes gratefully.
"Sleep now." And so I did.
And gee, what another surprise. Not happy. Really, really not happy. I closed my eyes. I did not have the strength to listen to him read me a well-earned riot act. Part of me felt guilty and felt I should listen to him and another part me, probably mostly, the five-year-old part decided well, if he had only been forthcoming with me, I wouldn't be in this state. Whatever this state was exactly.
I closed my eyes again and tried to act unconscious, but he was having none of it.
"Marie. I know you are awake." He said mildly as he finished wrapping my right foot, and put it under the blanket. Turning, he went to the table where I usually ate my meals, discarded the old bandages and picked up a roll of clean linen for the next foot. I was really tired and could think of nothing to say that wouldn't just get me into deeper trouble here.
As he unwrapped the bandage, I winced and jerked my foot. It really hurt. I looked down and saw what I had been avoiding all day. A missing fourth toe and the tip of another one. My eyes filled with tears and I turned away from the bloody mess I had made of them.
Why hadn't he told me? I wondered what was missing on my right foot. I brought a hand up and wiped my tears away. Why hadn't he said anything?
I closed my eyes and remained silent. I didn't want to talk to him. Besides I was still getting over my cold, my feet ached and I was tired. I couldn't roll over with him holding on to my foot. I was sort of a captive audience.
He finished with my foot and put it under the blanket as well, going back over to the little table to dispose of the soiled linen.
He brought over a goblet and lifted my head. I refused to drink it. I scrunched my eyes closed and turned my head away. He could just send me to sleep if he so desired, but I wasn't going to take any more medicine now. Who knows what it was for or what it would do to me?
"Marie. You need to drink this."
Childish as it was, I shook my head and pressed my lips close together. I hate to say it, but I just wanted him to leave. I needed to think things through and he was way too distracting.
I heard him set the goblet down on the bedside table and I rolled over, away from him and pulled the blanket up. 'Just go!" I thought to myself. Just leave me to my misery.
I heard him sigh, and in moments, I knew I was alone.
I got as comfortable as I could and tried to go to sleep. But it wouldn't come. I think I was too tired. I rolled about in my bed and sighed angrily as I caught sight of the innocuous goblet sitting there. Maybe I should-no I wasn't going to take it. I just knew it was not a sleeping draught and I would not give him the satisfaction of taking it.
I tiredly pulled myself up and blew out the bedside candles and felt better simply because it was dark. I slept finally.
Another nightmare!! A real one! I was suffocating in snow and it was freezing and then I was hot and the snow was melting but I couldn't stay warm! I tried to get out from under the blanket of snow, but I couldn't budge it. I started coughing as I choked, and that actually woke me up.
I sat up, my head whirling, still coughing and I knew I was fighting a fever. But I had to cool off. I was so hot! I stumbled out of bed mindless of my feet and went out to the patio and sat on the edge of the fountain. It had stopped snowing and the sky was full of brilliant stars. It was beautiful. I wondered idly which one was earth, my earth. I picked up some snow from the edge of the fountain and rubbed it on my face. Ahh, that felt so good! I blearily looked at the frozen surface on the fountain and slowly traced patterns in the thin covering of snow over the ice. Ice skating elves, ahh, what a picture.
I slid down to the side of the fountain, and rested my hot head on the cold stone edging and sighed grateful for the iciness. See, I knew I could take care of this myself.
But the cold made my feet ache something fierce.
The snow and ice were making my head ache too, so I tiredly got up and dragged myself back to my bed, trailing water and steam from my breath.
I fell into my bed and fell asleep once more.
This time I was sitting too close to the fire, we were camping and I could see nothing beyond the flames. I could hear murmurs and movement but no elves. No elves. I was alone. I wanted to get away from the fire, but I couldn't move. And I was so thirsty. I needed the snow, if I could get up, I could lie in the snow again and that would make me feel a lot better. Snow. I wanted ice. I wanted water---
A trickle of water! I could feel it wetting my lips I opened my mouth eagerly and then started coughing and there went the water. Ooh, my chest hurt. I leaned forward and opened my eyes, which felt all dry and sandy. It was, I didn't know when it was, but I could feel a hand against my upper chest as I coughed. The cough went away slowly and I found myself laying against a mound of pillows.
My vision swam, but a face leaned in and I pulled away at first uncomprehendingly. I was so hot. Words I didn't understand floated about me, I could hear movement. Perhaps I was back at the fire again. I needed to get away from the fire. I flung off my blankets and tried to get up. But I was restrained
"Hot! I-so hot!" I croaked dryly. I struggled against the arms holding me and tried to focus.
It wasn't Elrond, but another elf. I struggled harder. Even Elrond had deserted me. He-he had chopped off my toes and left me. With this stranger. I struggled again. "No. No. I need snow!! The fire is too hot!"
Another face leaned in close and began murmuring softly and I looked up...I struggled harder. It was Elrond! Was he going to chop off something else!!?? I started crying and tried to pull away.
"Don't touch me!! No, no, no! Don't chop anything else off!! Please!!"
"Marie! Hush. I am not "chopping" anything. You are very sick..." His voice faded off and darkness took me.
Coughing, my coughing woke me up completely this time. I brought a hand to my chest and tried to sit up. A damp cloth fell off my forehead in my lap and I stared at it a moment, blinking trying to find some dots I could connect. I looked around my room and saw a bowl of steaming herbs and a pile of cloths and several bottles and a goblet. I grabbed it and downed it making a face. If it turned me into a three headed toad I didn't care. I looked around on the table to see if there was anything else I could drink, but nothing else looked good.
Why was this happening to me??
We had gone to Rhosgobel and I had been useful and met Prince Legolas and Lord Elrond and I had had this nice ride back...and then it all fell apart.
The stupid avalanche and being swallowed up by the snow and then, then my toes getting amputated!! And he hadn't said anything but doped me up and prepared everything as if my opinion counted for nothing and he could just do the deed and have done with it. Me all unknowing.
But even I in my wretched state could see why he would have done it all that way. Like I would have docilely gone along, with him telling me, "Oh by the way this morning after breakfast I am going to amputate some of your toes, so don't go anywhere all right?"
And here I lay getting over the flu or bronchitis or something, my feet mangled because I had felt impelled to take a stroll in the snow and make everything worse no doubt.
I sniffled at my own stupidity and confusion and hunkered down in my blankets. Whatever was in the goblet was not a sleeping draught so I had time to think on my sins more. What an idiot! What a thrice cursed dunderhead!! Tired and sick, I just lay there, staring at the rug out in my room. Now, undoubtedly I had crossed the line, Now I WAS going to be tossed either to the wolves or left on the East Road. Lord Elrond would never treat me as a well, not an equal of course, a friend? an assistant?--- whatever, again. I had really botched up our relationship beyond repair here with my childish behavior.
My stay in Rivendell was going to come to a screeching halt.
I covered my face with my hands and turned my face into my pillow and cried until I could not cry any more. I lay there, head pounding, nose all stuffed up and put the only marginally damp cloth back over my forehead again. It had been soaked in herb scented water, rosemary and lavender it smelled nice, what little got through my nose.
I lay there my thoughts sinking deeper and deeper into despair until I knew with finality, I had messed everything up completely and utterly and that I had probably better think about what I was going to do---outside of Rivendell.
Okay, well you can all stop snickering out there. It was kaput! Finito! Over and done with!! How else would one of you look at it??? Not so simple an issue is it? Especially if you had been the horse's behind I had been.
Making my resolution, I lay there and waited for sleep or a visitor. Sleep came first.
Ah, it was the wonderful quiet that snow makes, late in the evening. I opened my eyes and the room was filled with pale lavender twilight. One candle burned at my bedside. I could smell broth and I turned my head to see a bowl steaming. I raised my head, which still felt heavy. Pulling myself into a sitting position, I took the broth and drank it down. It was warm and chicken-y. Even here in Middle Earth, chicken soup was good for what ails you. I got out of bed and used the bathroom and drank two glasses of water.
Now I was full. I sat against my pillows and thought long and hard.
I made a few resolutions too. Even though, well Iluvatar only knew when Elvish New Year's was.
I would not argue with Elrond any more. I might have to do myself bodily harm, but I would zip my lip and not do anything to contradict him.
I would endeavor to keep my whining down to a dull roar and occupy myself as best I could.
I would leave Rivendell as soon as possible.
Wait, wait you say? Did I just declare I was going to leave Rivendell??
Yup, yup, yup. I was driving the elf lord nuts. Humorous, is it? I was beginning to think not. He was constantly dancing attendance on me. I was constantly requiring aid, first or otherwise. Oh, yeah, and while he was rendering aid, what did I do? Fight like a wild cat. Productive. I was not Elvish and my skills, though improving, were minimal. (Okay light years better than my ol' friend Fingalan, but he was a special case.)
But how to do it? How to get out of this hidden vale of Imladris?? I would have to wait for an opportunity.
In the meantime...watch out elf lord!! I was going to be so agreeable, it would roll off his no doubt silk leggings right off!!
Relaxing with the thought of things feeling resolved, I slid off to sleep again.
Evening found me awake and sitting up, trying hard to concentrate on the Lay of Beren and Luthien again. I wished I had more candles because some of the Tengwar was written with little flourishes, making some of it hard to decipher.
Trying to puzzle out the words; was it "willow green" or willow branch" I was caught up in that and missed yet again another silent entrance by Elrond.
Looking up, I smiled and said, "Good evening, what brings you here?" I set the book aside and leaned over and grabbed the goblet. Turning it over above the floor, I added, "See, completely empty!"
He took it with a smile and set it back on the table. "I am here to see how you are doing." He leaned forward, I flinched but did not dodge at the last minute as he lay a hand on my forehead.
I looked up at him smiling. "All better right?"
Grinning he sat on the edge of the bed. "Well, not quite, but you are mending." He lifted the book off the quilt. "Ahh, the Lay of Beren and Luthien, one of my favorites."
"Good! What is that word there? I cannot read around the little flourish, is it "branch" or "green"?"
Taking the slim leather volume he looked at it and began to read it aloud. I sat there enraptured as I have never heard him read poetry before, and I am afraid my mouth hung open a bit. He stopped when he glanced at me and I instantly composed myself. "Ah, so I guess it was "willow green." Thank you."
What a voice he had. I blinked several times.
"You are welcome. Do you think you can eat anything?"
"Okay, well, maybe some more of that chicken soup. I am not too hungry right now." I looked at him and clutched my hands together. No matter my resolution, I had to know. It would just eat away at me otherwise.
"Why did you not tell me about my toes?" I leaned forward, my eyes intently searching his face. "You, you really scared me! I didn't know what was happening and when I saw that room and all that stuff I got terrified and ran." I hugged myself as I shivered suddenly. "It was really frightening." I could feel my eyes watering up and I swallowed quickly. I did not want to cry and distract him. I bit my lip and stared at the beautiful precise stitches in the quilt beneath my hands and then winced at them, I closed my eyes. Stitches, I'd had enough of those! I shivered again.
A slender finger tipped my head up and his deep grey eyes were glowing with warmth. I was not afraid and stopped shivering. "Marie. I took what I thought would be the least stressful approach for you. I was wrong. The last thing I wanted to do was frighten you. My idea in drugging you was to frighten you as little as possible! I had planned on you simply falling asleep and waking up a few hours later none the wiser about the surgery until I told you. I not only made a mistake in your dosage, but in not being honest with you and for that I apologize profusely. It will never happen again."
I sat there shocked into incredulity. Elrond was apologizing to me? He wouldn't have had to try such shenanigans if I had been a little less a wild cat. Now I felt embarrassed!
The silence stretched out until thankfully I had a cough fit. Elrond stood up and shook his head. "I best go make some more syrup for that cough of yours."
I nodded, still hacking up a lung. It must be bronchitis, with a cough like this. Elrond paused and came back over to me. He lay me back against the pillows and lay a hand on my chest, his face serious. My need to cough tapered off and I said hoarsely, breathing hard, "Thank you. It really hurts."
"It sounds dreadful Marie." His hand did not move and I felt his warmth sink deep into my lungs. My breathing eased up and I closed my eyes gratefully.
"Sleep now." And so I did.
