Disclaimer: LoK and LotR don't belong to me. I wish they did, though...but I don't so please don't anyone sue me!

__________________________________________________________________



[The scene isn't the Pillars. Instead, it was Nosgothwood, like Hollywood, but with Nosgoth instead of Holly. Raziel was at his mansion that he bought from advertising and the movie and Raziel was plotting something big. He got Kain and the other lieutenants to meet him, plus other people]

Raziel: (while pacing in his mansion in front of everyone he invited) People, I have a dream. I dream that I can make a big hit movie.

Kain: Yeah right. You suck.

Raziel: Shut up Kain!

(by the way, Razzyboy had invited Kain, the lieutenants, Umah, Circle of Nine, Janos, Vorador, Sebastion, Faustus, and Magnus)

Zephon: I came here for the candy you promised me Razzyboy.

Raziel: I lied. There is no candy.

Zephon: (insulted) You lying bas-

Raziel: Enough. Several years ago I wrote four books using a fake name.

Melchiah: Ooh! Was that fake name Earnest Hemingway!?

Raziel: (looks at him like he's an idiot) No. I was known as J. R. R. Tolkein.

Kain: Who's that?

Raziel: YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM!?

Turel: Nope.

Dumah: Don't know, don't care.

Sebastion: (speaking through his Captain Kurk voice box) Negative.

Fautus: Has he been in a fashion show? No? Then I don't care.

Umah: No.

Magnus: MEAT?

Rahab: Oh come on, how can you people not know him!?

Raziel: Thank you.

Rahab: J. R. R. Tolkein is the guy who wrote Moby Dick!

Raziel: No Rahab.

Rahab: Oh.

Raziel: I, as J.R.R. Tolkein wrote "The Vampire" and "The Lord of the Reavers" trilogy.

Everyone: Oh.

Zephon: Didn't you write Jabberwocky?

Raziel: (irritated) No.

Zephon: How about that classic book "A Tale of Two Cities?"

Raziel: (really irritated) No.

Vorador: What about that erotic beauty of a book called "A Tale of Two Titties?"

Raziel: (now PO'ed) NO!!

Vorador: Aww.

Janos: You perverted jack-donkey!

Raziel: Yes, well-jack-donkey? Yes, well, I have decided to make a movie adaptation.

Kain: Does it have me killing stuff in it?

Raziel; The movie adaptation will.

Kain: Okay, then I'm in.

Vorador: Will I be making love to anything?

Raziel: No! You'll die.

Vorador: NOT AGAIN!!

Janos: (to Raziel) Will you need to borrow some of my hearts?

Kain: OKAY JANOS!! WHERE DO YOU GET ALL YOUR FREAKIN' HEARTS!?

Raziel: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!

(everyone does so)

Sebastion: (speaking through his Captain Kurk voice box) I don't...know what this...will ha...ve to do with...us.

Raziel: Shut up so I can explain. You people will be the actors.

Umah: Yes! I get to act!

Ariel: Who will I be?

Moebius: And me? What about me?

Mortanius: (to Moebius) Shut up you crusty old dip-dong!

Raziel: I already know everyone's parts! The important parts will be announced today.

(Raziel's cell phone rings, so Raziel answers the phone)

Raziel: Hello?

MortalK55: Hey, did you order some shrimp?

Raziel: (confused) What? No!

MortalK55: You sure?

Raziel: Yes!

MortalK55: Okay, bye.

(then MortalK55 hangs up)

Raziel: (confused) What was that?

Kain: Who am I?

Raziel: Kain will play two parts! Kain is Bilbo Baggins and Aragorn!

Kain: Yay! I think.

Dumah: Don't you mean Bimbo?

Raziel: Dumah, if you make any terrible, disrespectful jokes like that, you're out! I won't tolerate those kind of jokes!

Dumah: Okay...

Kain: Do I get to kill things?

Raziel: Yes. (he hands Kain a giant metal sword)

Kain: Wow! I big metal THING!

Raziel: Okay, since Legolas can shoot arrows extremely quickly and rapidly, it only makes sense that a vampire that can shoot telekinetic blasts quickly and rapidly would play as Legolas. So Turel is Legolas.

Turel: Awesome! Do I even get to grow the long white hair?

Raziel: Yes.

Turel: Alright!

Raziel: Gimli gets picked on a lot and so I chose a vampire that gets picked on a lot. Zephon will play as Gimli.

Zephon: Is this good or bad?

Raziel: (evil grin) This is good.

Dumah: Who are you?

Raziel: The protagonist, of course. I am Frodo. And Dumah is Sam.

Dumah: What!? Why?

Raziel: Because Sam and Frodo are best friends. That means you have to be real nice to me. Hahahahahha! That and Sam's fat and so are you!

Dumah: I'm not fat! It's all just muscle!

Raziel: Yeah yeah yeah fatboy! Rahab, you're the more intellectual Mary.

Rahab: Cool.

Raziel: And Melchiah is the naïve innocent Pippin.

Melchiah: Yay! I'm naïve! What's naïve mean?

Raziel: Any other questions?

Faustus: What about Gandolf and Gollum?

Magnus: WHAT ABOUT MEAT?

Raziel: I have the perfect actor for Gollum. Magnus is Gollum.

Magnus: MAGNUS IS GOLLUM? MAGNUS IS GOOD!

Raziel: Right...I haven't made up my mind about Gandolf yet, though. I'm thinking of having Magnus play Gandolf as well.

Magnus: MAGNUS GOOD ACTOR!!

Turel: What are our races?

Raziel: Ah. Kain is known as a human.

Kain: A human? Preposterous!

Raziel: Kain, do you wanna kill stuff?

Kain; Yes.

Raziel: Then shut up and deal with it! Now, Turel's race are known as...Hippies.

Turel: (whiny) Heeeeeey, I'm a Hippy?

Raziel: Yep. And Zephon's race is known as Midgets.

Zephon: So I'm a Midget? What're you then, Raziel?

Raziel: My race are known as Vampires!

Moebius: What're we?

Raziel: Shut up Moebius, I hate you.

Moebius: :(

Raziel: Moebius is stupid.

Zephon: Hey, what're our weapons?

Raziel: Oh yeah. Kain's weapon is his sword.

Kain: My big, metal THING!!

Raziel: Riiiiight...Turel's weapons are his hands.

Turel: These hands were used to hold a microphone when I won Nosgoth Idle, so these hands are important.

Raziel: What the...? Who cares.

Zephon: What about me!?

Raziel: (gives him a stick) You're weapon is a stick.

Zephon: (holding a weapon and being disappointed) I get a stick?

Raziel: Yes.

Zephon: A stick? A FRAKIN' STICK!!

Raziel: Yes!

Zephon: AW, THIS IS BS! I GET A STUPID STICK! WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH A STICK, HUH!?

Raziel: Jab enemies with it.

(then he stabs Kain with it)

Kain: Ow!

Zephon: (over-excited) YAY! NEAT-O FRITO! THIS THING IS COOL!

(then Zephon started waving his stick around then he held onto both ends and pulled and the stick broke. He was shocked beyond belief)

Zephon: O_O,

Raziel: Oh please don't tell me you broke your weapon Zephon.

Zephon: OH MY GOD!! I BROKE MY WEAPON!! ARGHHHHH!!

Dumah: Ahhahahahahahahahhaa!

Raziel: (heavy sigh)

Zephon: I BROKE MY NEAT-O WEAPON!! OH NO!! I'M GONNA CRY! WHY ME, WHY WHY WHY WHY???

Kain: Because you're a MORON!

Raziel: (hands Zephon a new stick) Here, here's a replacement!

(then Zephon grabs the new stick and is instantly cheered back up with a goofy grin)

Zephon: I NOW HAVE A POINTY STICK! YAY!

Kain: (feeling proud) (to Raziel) You have my big metal THING!

Turel: And you have my hands.

Zephon: (over-joyed) And my neat-o pointy stick!

Raziel: Okay, let's go film this movie!

Everyone: (cheers and runs around to get ready. Faustus and Sebastion go into a corner)

Faustus: Why were we even invited anyway?

Sebastion: (Captain Kurk voice) I do...not know why...he would...invite us to...this.

Raziel: (to Faustus) Faustus, I have a role for you!

Faustus: Hahahaha! Yes! To bad Sebastion, you suck!

(then Faustus walks off all smug)

Sebastion: (Captain Kurk voice) Son of...a bit...ch.

(everyone's getting ready and Raziel has one final chat with Dumah)

Raziel: Okay, Dumah, I know you like to think of yourself as all big, bad, and tough, but you aren't. You're fat, lazy, and stupid.

Dumah: I'm not fat! It's all muscle!

Raziel: So I want you to make no weed jokes or jokes about Frodo and Sam because those kinds of jokes are stupid and disrespectful and I hate them.

Dumah: And if I do?

Raziel: I'll kick you in the balls until you cry, then the tears will burn you.

Dumah: ...

Raziel: Well?

Dumah: I'll shut up.

Raziel: Good.

Dumah: (after Raziel left) Hehe, weed.

(then Raziel ran over and attacked Dumah)

_____________________________________________________________________

Okay, I'll admit, this is probably my weakest opener, but I promise the actual fic will be better. I'll admit I didn't read all of the books since I tend to have trouble picturing stuff in my head, but I'll try my best to do a good enough parody. This'll also be the fic that'll take the longest to update