Disclaimer: No own LoK or LoTR. I'd be rich if I did...but I don't so
please don't sue me!
_________________________________________________________
[The scene is a theatre and Kain and the lieutenants walk in. They had already made the actual movie, so they were in this theatre so that they could watch the movie to make sure everything was okay]
Dumah: (walking into the theatre) It sucks that this place doesn't have stadium seating.
Zephon: Hey, we've got this whole theatre to ourselves, we can sit anywhere we want and do anything we want.
Raziel: Yeah, so stop complaining Dumah, you complain too much.
Kain: Yeah Raziel, you're too whiny.
Raziel: Shut up old man.
Rahab: I think I did a very good job as Merry.
Melchiah: Why did I have to be the ignorant one? Why not Zephon?
Turel: I kicked butt, that's all that I know.
Zephon: You know, I didn't think jabbing someone in the eye with a stick could be so painful.
Kain: Well yeah, because sticks are pointy.
(so Zephon went to the middle row and sat down. He was comfortable)
Dumah: (sarcastically) Hmm, where should I sit? I know!
(so Dumah sat right in front of Zephon. And since Dumah was so large, Zephon couldn't see over him. Raziel sat beside Dumah and Melchiah and Turel in front of them)
Zephon: Um, excuse me Dumah, I can't see through your big fat head.
Dumah: Did I hear something?
Zephon: Yeah. Your really big fat head isn't made of glass! I can't see through it.
Dumah: Am I hearing something?
Raziel: Where's Rahab and Kain?
Melchiah: They went to get the snacks.
Zephon: I never noticed your head was so big. How do you fit it through doors?
Dumah: (insulted) Hey!!
Zephon: Yep, with big fat heads like yours people might confuse it with a planet.
Dumah: (getting PO'ed) Shut up.
Zephon: Heheheh, your head's bigger than Moebius' hands! Hahaha!
Dumah: you SOB!
(so Dumah reaches back and punches Zephon. Then Raziel punches Dumah. So Raziel and Dumah fight and they roll over and land on Zephon. Then Raziel and Dumah and Zephon are fighting. Then Rahab comes back in carrying drinks and sees them fighting)
Rahab: VAMPIRE PILE!!
(so Rahab throws down his drinks and joins the fight)
Melchiah: These vampires are so immature.
Turel: Just because I'm the second oldest doesn't mean I'm a role model, you know that right?
Melchiah: Yeah...
Turel: Good. YIPPIE KIE YAY!!
(then Turel joins the fight. Then Kain walks in holding the food. He sees the fight and puts the food down)
Kain: Neat-o frito! A fight!
(then Kain joins in on the fight)
Melchiah: How come I'm the youngest, yet the most mature.
(then Sebastion walked up to the projector and was about to start the film till he saw the fight)
Sebastion: HEY, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, WATCH THE FILM BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HEINY!!
(so they all stop fighting and prepare to watch the film. Zephon moves to a different seat)
Sebastion: HEY, BIG HEAD DUMAH!! MOVE YOUR BIG HEAD, THE PROJECTOR CAN'T SEE PAST YOUR FAT HEAD!
Dumah: Screw you!
(but Dumah moves his head anyway, then the film starts. Well, kinda. First there are commercials)
Commercial 1: Coming soon to a theatre near you.
Kain as 'Raziel' on the commercial: Damn you Kain, you are not God!
Raziel as 'Kain' on the commercial: Yes I am. (then he builds some legos) See? I've created people.
Commercial 1: A dramatic, angst-filled, very serious movie that you shouldn't laugh at because it is so serious.
(the commercial shows Kain as 'Raziel' humping a pole)
Commercial 1: Soul Reaver 1. Rated 'M' for Molting.
(Commercial 1 ends)
Kain: (to Raziel) I remember that part.
Raziel: (to Kain) I thought we hadn't gotten to that part yet.
Kain: (to Raziel) Oh yeah, we hadn't. Then how the hell did they know about that part?
(Commercial 2 begins)
Commercial 2: Coming next Saint Kain's Day, the sequel to the already successful movie that hasn't even been made yet, The Lord of the Reavers: The Two Pillars. Rated 'PG' for stuff.
(Commercial 2 ends)
Zephon: (to no one is particular) See, stuff is cool!
Dumah: Zephon is such a moron.
(Commercial 3 begins)
Commercial 3: Marcus, the winner of best actor, director, producer, and best overall vampire is about to play the most famous secret agent ever. Marcus is "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery!"
Marcus as 'Marcus Powers': Yeah baby!
Marcus as 'Mr. Evil': It's supposed to freakin' be "Dr. Evil" you dumb freakin' people!
Commercial 3: "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery" coming when it's done. Rated 'R' for Retarded.
(Commercial 3 ends)
Melchiah: Dude, that looks awesome!
Turel: Yeah, if it's actually made I'll have to see it.
Sebastion: And now our feature presentation.
(then the screen goes black and the opening credits pop up, saying "An Raziel-is-better- than-the-idiot-Kain Presentation" then the title comes up)
THE LORD OF THE REAVERS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REAVER
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Nosgoth has changed. I feel it in the water, because the water is so freakin' freezing now. I feel it in the earth, and that makes me hope this won't be an environmental disaster movie. I smell something in the air, it smells like dead people. Well, vampires ARE dead. Stuff was together, but it's lost now. For none now live that remember it. Either that, or the one's that remember are drunk. Either way, it's bad. It began with the forging of the great reavers.
(then the scene showed Turel as an 'elf' and some other Turelims, as 'elves' behind him. Turel was holding a reaver)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Three were given to the Hippies; Immortal, wise when they actually know what's going on, and they are the fairest because when they drink a twelve-pack, they're always nice enough to save you one.
Turel (as 'elf'): This thing, is like, so neat-o.
(then the scene switched to Zephon as a 'Dwarf' with his clan behind him as other 'dwarves')
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Seven to the Midget Lords; Big, fat guys who dig a lot and live in the mountains.
(Zephon as 'Dwarf' wasn't holding the reaver)
Clan member (as 'Midget): Hey, where's the reaver?
Zephon (as 'Mdiget'): Um...hehe...er, I pawned it.
(then the clan member punches Zephon)
Clan member (as 'Midget): Come on, let's go get it back.
(then the scene switched to the Circle of Nine with Mortanius holding the reaver)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And nine, nine reavers were gifted to man who want the cliché that is power.
(then Mortanius felt something)
Mortanius (as one of the Nine Men): Who just touched my butt? If it was you Moebius, I'll kill you with this reaver.
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Because inside the reavers was stuff to rule other stuff to govern more stuff. But, everyone's stupid because there's only one true reaver. The above- mentioned people were so stupid to think that they had the best reaver. They truly are idiots. In the land called "Vorador" in the fires of Dark Eden, the confusing named Hash'ak'git made a big powerful BFG-type reaver.
(the scene shows the reaver up-close)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And in this reaver he inserted a tiny blue dude's soul. The one reaver to rull them all. And so everyone's butt was royally kicked by this awesome reaver.
(the scene shifts to humans and Hippies)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But there were some that said "Screw you Sauron, you suck!"
(the scene shows Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond')
Ariel (as Galadriel'): So these two joined forces and kicked some Hylden butt. (the Hylden stand in for the orcs of course)
(then the scene shifted to Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond' and their army fighting an army of Hylden)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): They fought at Drak Eden for the fate of Middle- Nosgoth. Victory was near, but then that butthole Sauron had to come prancing around like a fairy swinging the reaver around.
(then the scene showed Hash prancing like a fairy swinging the reaver around killing people)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): It was now that, let's just say, the bowls hit the fan, so Islidur picked up his dad's sword.
(then Kain as 'Islidur' tapped Hash's hand then Hash's hand fell off, killing Hash)
Kain (as 'Islidur'): Wow, that was easy!!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Sauron, the unholy butthole of Middle-Nosgoth, was defeated. So now the reaver passed to Islidur who had the chance to destroy evil forever.
(the scene switched to a ledge of Dark Eden with Kain as 'Islidur' and Janos as 'Elrond' looking into the lava)
Kain (as 'Islidur'): (to Janos) I think I'm gonna keep this reaver and cut down some Pillars. Bye-bye. You suck.
Janos (as 'Elrond'): YOU JACK-DONKEY!!!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But man is as weak as a stoned hippy. The power inside of the reaver ended up killing Islidur.
(then the scene switches to Kain as 'Islidur' dead in some water with the reaver floating away)
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Ha, you stupid SOB, now how am I ever gonna get out of this reaver. I guess I'll just find a new host!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): That freaky reaver freaks me out. Anyway, everyone forgot about the reaver so it got lost. And then history became legend and no one knew where the reaver came from. But then a total weirdo freak caught the ring.
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): (holding the reaver) MY MEEEEEEEAT!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And so this freak hid in the mountains with the reaver and the reaver absolutely owned him. Gollum was whipped by a sword. Sad, pathetic Gollum.
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): IT CAME TO MAG-GOLLUM, MINE OWN, MY MEEEEEEEEAT!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But then, the reaver consumed Gollum. After a few minutes, the reaver got tired of Gollum trying to eat it...all the damn time.
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Screw you, I'm tired of seeing your mouth trying to eat me all the time! I'm off!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): So the reaver abandoned Gollum. It meant to do that. But it didn't count on some old vampire to steal it.
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Hey, what's this thingy?
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): A vampire, Bilbo from a place, captured it.
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): A reaver? What's a reaver anyway?
(so Kain as 'Bilbo' took the reaver)
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Oh great, I get away from one freak just to be captured by another!! This has not been my day...
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And now the destiny of everyone would be shaped by this weird little vampire thing.
[But now, and this here isn't part of the movie, the movie suddenly stopped. Kain looked up and saw that Sebastion had accidentally torn the film!]
Kain: Sebastion, you stupid son of a-
Raziel: It's okay, I need to go to the bathroom anyway. (to Sebastion) But I want it fixed by the time I get back!
(then Raziel left)
Zephon: Wait! How can Razzyboy even go to the bathroom?
Rahab: I don't know.
Melchiah: Just get the film fixed Sebastion!
Sebastion: Okay, okay! (looks at himself in a mirror) Man, I know how to accessorize!
Kain and the lieutenants: WOULD YOU JUST FIX THE STUPID FILM!!!
Sebastion: Okay, okay.
______________________________________________________________________
Well, this may take a long while till I get done with this parody. But I hope you all like it and I hope I don't screw this up. Well, see ya in the next chapter.
_________________________________________________________
[The scene is a theatre and Kain and the lieutenants walk in. They had already made the actual movie, so they were in this theatre so that they could watch the movie to make sure everything was okay]
Dumah: (walking into the theatre) It sucks that this place doesn't have stadium seating.
Zephon: Hey, we've got this whole theatre to ourselves, we can sit anywhere we want and do anything we want.
Raziel: Yeah, so stop complaining Dumah, you complain too much.
Kain: Yeah Raziel, you're too whiny.
Raziel: Shut up old man.
Rahab: I think I did a very good job as Merry.
Melchiah: Why did I have to be the ignorant one? Why not Zephon?
Turel: I kicked butt, that's all that I know.
Zephon: You know, I didn't think jabbing someone in the eye with a stick could be so painful.
Kain: Well yeah, because sticks are pointy.
(so Zephon went to the middle row and sat down. He was comfortable)
Dumah: (sarcastically) Hmm, where should I sit? I know!
(so Dumah sat right in front of Zephon. And since Dumah was so large, Zephon couldn't see over him. Raziel sat beside Dumah and Melchiah and Turel in front of them)
Zephon: Um, excuse me Dumah, I can't see through your big fat head.
Dumah: Did I hear something?
Zephon: Yeah. Your really big fat head isn't made of glass! I can't see through it.
Dumah: Am I hearing something?
Raziel: Where's Rahab and Kain?
Melchiah: They went to get the snacks.
Zephon: I never noticed your head was so big. How do you fit it through doors?
Dumah: (insulted) Hey!!
Zephon: Yep, with big fat heads like yours people might confuse it with a planet.
Dumah: (getting PO'ed) Shut up.
Zephon: Heheheh, your head's bigger than Moebius' hands! Hahaha!
Dumah: you SOB!
(so Dumah reaches back and punches Zephon. Then Raziel punches Dumah. So Raziel and Dumah fight and they roll over and land on Zephon. Then Raziel and Dumah and Zephon are fighting. Then Rahab comes back in carrying drinks and sees them fighting)
Rahab: VAMPIRE PILE!!
(so Rahab throws down his drinks and joins the fight)
Melchiah: These vampires are so immature.
Turel: Just because I'm the second oldest doesn't mean I'm a role model, you know that right?
Melchiah: Yeah...
Turel: Good. YIPPIE KIE YAY!!
(then Turel joins the fight. Then Kain walks in holding the food. He sees the fight and puts the food down)
Kain: Neat-o frito! A fight!
(then Kain joins in on the fight)
Melchiah: How come I'm the youngest, yet the most mature.
(then Sebastion walked up to the projector and was about to start the film till he saw the fight)
Sebastion: HEY, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, WATCH THE FILM BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HEINY!!
(so they all stop fighting and prepare to watch the film. Zephon moves to a different seat)
Sebastion: HEY, BIG HEAD DUMAH!! MOVE YOUR BIG HEAD, THE PROJECTOR CAN'T SEE PAST YOUR FAT HEAD!
Dumah: Screw you!
(but Dumah moves his head anyway, then the film starts. Well, kinda. First there are commercials)
Commercial 1: Coming soon to a theatre near you.
Kain as 'Raziel' on the commercial: Damn you Kain, you are not God!
Raziel as 'Kain' on the commercial: Yes I am. (then he builds some legos) See? I've created people.
Commercial 1: A dramatic, angst-filled, very serious movie that you shouldn't laugh at because it is so serious.
(the commercial shows Kain as 'Raziel' humping a pole)
Commercial 1: Soul Reaver 1. Rated 'M' for Molting.
(Commercial 1 ends)
Kain: (to Raziel) I remember that part.
Raziel: (to Kain) I thought we hadn't gotten to that part yet.
Kain: (to Raziel) Oh yeah, we hadn't. Then how the hell did they know about that part?
(Commercial 2 begins)
Commercial 2: Coming next Saint Kain's Day, the sequel to the already successful movie that hasn't even been made yet, The Lord of the Reavers: The Two Pillars. Rated 'PG' for stuff.
(Commercial 2 ends)
Zephon: (to no one is particular) See, stuff is cool!
Dumah: Zephon is such a moron.
(Commercial 3 begins)
Commercial 3: Marcus, the winner of best actor, director, producer, and best overall vampire is about to play the most famous secret agent ever. Marcus is "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery!"
Marcus as 'Marcus Powers': Yeah baby!
Marcus as 'Mr. Evil': It's supposed to freakin' be "Dr. Evil" you dumb freakin' people!
Commercial 3: "Marcus Powers: International Vampire of Misery" coming when it's done. Rated 'R' for Retarded.
(Commercial 3 ends)
Melchiah: Dude, that looks awesome!
Turel: Yeah, if it's actually made I'll have to see it.
Sebastion: And now our feature presentation.
(then the screen goes black and the opening credits pop up, saying "An Raziel-is-better- than-the-idiot-Kain Presentation" then the title comes up)
THE LORD OF THE REAVERS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REAVER
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Nosgoth has changed. I feel it in the water, because the water is so freakin' freezing now. I feel it in the earth, and that makes me hope this won't be an environmental disaster movie. I smell something in the air, it smells like dead people. Well, vampires ARE dead. Stuff was together, but it's lost now. For none now live that remember it. Either that, or the one's that remember are drunk. Either way, it's bad. It began with the forging of the great reavers.
(then the scene showed Turel as an 'elf' and some other Turelims, as 'elves' behind him. Turel was holding a reaver)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Three were given to the Hippies; Immortal, wise when they actually know what's going on, and they are the fairest because when they drink a twelve-pack, they're always nice enough to save you one.
Turel (as 'elf'): This thing, is like, so neat-o.
(then the scene switched to Zephon as a 'Dwarf' with his clan behind him as other 'dwarves')
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Seven to the Midget Lords; Big, fat guys who dig a lot and live in the mountains.
(Zephon as 'Dwarf' wasn't holding the reaver)
Clan member (as 'Midget): Hey, where's the reaver?
Zephon (as 'Mdiget'): Um...hehe...er, I pawned it.
(then the clan member punches Zephon)
Clan member (as 'Midget): Come on, let's go get it back.
(then the scene switched to the Circle of Nine with Mortanius holding the reaver)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And nine, nine reavers were gifted to man who want the cliché that is power.
(then Mortanius felt something)
Mortanius (as one of the Nine Men): Who just touched my butt? If it was you Moebius, I'll kill you with this reaver.
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Because inside the reavers was stuff to rule other stuff to govern more stuff. But, everyone's stupid because there's only one true reaver. The above- mentioned people were so stupid to think that they had the best reaver. They truly are idiots. In the land called "Vorador" in the fires of Dark Eden, the confusing named Hash'ak'git made a big powerful BFG-type reaver.
(the scene shows the reaver up-close)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And in this reaver he inserted a tiny blue dude's soul. The one reaver to rull them all. And so everyone's butt was royally kicked by this awesome reaver.
(the scene shifts to humans and Hippies)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But there were some that said "Screw you Sauron, you suck!"
(the scene shows Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond')
Ariel (as Galadriel'): So these two joined forces and kicked some Hylden butt. (the Hylden stand in for the orcs of course)
(then the scene shifted to Kain as 'Isildur' and Janos as 'Elrond' and their army fighting an army of Hylden)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): They fought at Drak Eden for the fate of Middle- Nosgoth. Victory was near, but then that butthole Sauron had to come prancing around like a fairy swinging the reaver around.
(then the scene showed Hash prancing like a fairy swinging the reaver around killing people)
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): It was now that, let's just say, the bowls hit the fan, so Islidur picked up his dad's sword.
(then Kain as 'Islidur' tapped Hash's hand then Hash's hand fell off, killing Hash)
Kain (as 'Islidur'): Wow, that was easy!!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): Sauron, the unholy butthole of Middle-Nosgoth, was defeated. So now the reaver passed to Islidur who had the chance to destroy evil forever.
(the scene switched to a ledge of Dark Eden with Kain as 'Islidur' and Janos as 'Elrond' looking into the lava)
Kain (as 'Islidur'): (to Janos) I think I'm gonna keep this reaver and cut down some Pillars. Bye-bye. You suck.
Janos (as 'Elrond'): YOU JACK-DONKEY!!!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But man is as weak as a stoned hippy. The power inside of the reaver ended up killing Islidur.
(then the scene switches to Kain as 'Islidur' dead in some water with the reaver floating away)
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Ha, you stupid SOB, now how am I ever gonna get out of this reaver. I guess I'll just find a new host!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): That freaky reaver freaks me out. Anyway, everyone forgot about the reaver so it got lost. And then history became legend and no one knew where the reaver came from. But then a total weirdo freak caught the ring.
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): (holding the reaver) MY MEEEEEEEAT!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And so this freak hid in the mountains with the reaver and the reaver absolutely owned him. Gollum was whipped by a sword. Sad, pathetic Gollum.
Magnus (as 'Gollum'): IT CAME TO MAG-GOLLUM, MINE OWN, MY MEEEEEEEEAT!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): But then, the reaver consumed Gollum. After a few minutes, the reaver got tired of Gollum trying to eat it...all the damn time.
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Screw you, I'm tired of seeing your mouth trying to eat me all the time! I'm off!
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): So the reaver abandoned Gollum. It meant to do that. But it didn't count on some old vampire to steal it.
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Hey, what's this thingy?
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): A vampire, Bilbo from a place, captured it.
Kain (as 'Bilbo'): A reaver? What's a reaver anyway?
(so Kain as 'Bilbo' took the reaver)
Raziel (as 'Reaver'): Oh great, I get away from one freak just to be captured by another!! This has not been my day...
Ariel (as 'Galadriel'): And now the destiny of everyone would be shaped by this weird little vampire thing.
[But now, and this here isn't part of the movie, the movie suddenly stopped. Kain looked up and saw that Sebastion had accidentally torn the film!]
Kain: Sebastion, you stupid son of a-
Raziel: It's okay, I need to go to the bathroom anyway. (to Sebastion) But I want it fixed by the time I get back!
(then Raziel left)
Zephon: Wait! How can Razzyboy even go to the bathroom?
Rahab: I don't know.
Melchiah: Just get the film fixed Sebastion!
Sebastion: Okay, okay! (looks at himself in a mirror) Man, I know how to accessorize!
Kain and the lieutenants: WOULD YOU JUST FIX THE STUPID FILM!!!
Sebastion: Okay, okay.
______________________________________________________________________
Well, this may take a long while till I get done with this parody. But I hope you all like it and I hope I don't screw this up. Well, see ya in the next chapter.
