Disclaimer: Well, I don't own LoK or LotR either

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[The scene is the theatre and Kain and the lieutenants were waiting for the film to come back on]
Raziel: Why is Faustus taking so long, he only went on a preening break!

Rahab: I think he just doesn't want to come back because of this next part in the movie.

Turel: Yeah, isn't this the part where Magnus was sick so Faustus played as Gandalf for

a while?

Rahab: Yep.

Raziel: I'm sorry, but Gandalf should NOT look like a rejected game-show host, no matter how "stylish" it looks.

Zephon: Hey guys, guess what I brought with me?

Dumah: A brain for you to use?

Zephon: No! A bunny! (Zephon holds a bunny)

Turel: Why?

Zephon: I thought the bunny would want to see the movie.

Melchiah: AHHHHHH!!! GET THAT BUNNY AWAY FROM ME!! BUNNIES ARE SCARY!!

Zephon: What? How are bunnies scary?

Melchiah: I know of 2 evil bunnies!! One is a truly evil bunny that will bite off your head! The bunny even leaves the bones of its victims!

Dumah: Yeah right. I could make rabbit stew out of a bunny. What's the other evil bunny?

Melchiah: The other evil bunny is a bunny named Bunnicula!

Raziel: Bunnicula?

Melchiah: Yes, Bunnicula! You see, Bunnicula would bite into vegetables and suck all the life out of them so that the vegetable would be pale!

(blank stares in Melchiah's direction)

Melchiah: What? It's true!

Zephon: Whatever. Besides, this bunny likes me.

(then the bunny bit into Zephon's hand)

Zephon: OOOOOWWWWWW!! Get this bunny off of me!!! Why come bunnies like to eat me??

Dumah: Hehehehehehe, the bunny's eating Zephon, hahahahaha!

Zephon: OWW, GET IT OFF ME!! Oh no, it's sucked so much of my blood out that I've gone pale!

Turel: You're always pale!

Zephon: Oh yeah. BUT GET THIS BUNNY OFF OF ME!!

(then Faustus returned)

Faustus: Okay, here are some previews. Hey, who's crying like a baby?

(commercial 1 begins)

Commercial 1: Bruce Willis, who has no talent and can't do anything but fight is going up against his biggest threat yet, and that threat is also a talent less person who can't do anything but fighting the directors, producers, and fans. Yep, I'm talking about Russell Crowe. Bruce Willis and Russell Crowe in "Bruce Willis and Russell Crowe."

(commercial 1 ends)

Turel: Wow, it'll be like "Battle of the Nosgoth Stars."

(commercial 2 begins)

Commercial 2: Freddy Kruger from Elm Street and Jason Voorhess from Friday the 13th co-star in a new horror movie called "Revenge of Barney!" In this movie, Barney the purple dinosaur finally gets tired of being forced naked around kids, so Barney gets his homeboys, Freddy Kruger from Elm Street and Jason Voorhess from Friday the 13th to help him get revenge!

Barney in the commercial: (while blasting away at tons of people using an uzi) I love you, you love me, let me shoot you all to pieces.

Commercial 2: "Revenge of Barney!" Rated 'S' for Stupid.

(commercial 2 ends)

Dumah: Wow, I'll have to see that!

Faustus: And now our feature presentation.
THE LORD OF THE REAVERS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE REAVER
[The scene is outside with Kain as 'Bilbo' greeting a lot of guests. Or, at least, Kain's way of greeting people]

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): (to a guest) Yeah, go the frick away, I hate you.

(the guest leaves)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): (to another guest) Go the frick away, I hate you.

(this continued for a while but all of the guests ignored him and came anyway)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Awwww, go away!

(meanwhile, Raziel as 'Frodo' and Dumah as 'Sam' were talking near dancing vampires)

Raziel (as 'Frodo'): Go on Sam, ask the Seer for a dance!

Dumah (as 'Sam'): Um, I think I'll just have another ale and some donuts.

Raziel (as 'Frodo'): You're fat and drunk enough as it is!

(then Raziel picked up Dumah and threw Dumah at the Seer. Dumah asked the Seer for a dance and the Seer just punched Dumah. The scene switches over to Faustus as 'Gandalf' who was messing with some fireworks. But of course, Faustus wasn't exactly wearing the Gandalf costume. This costume was red and sparkly and he had on a green and sparkly tie)

Raziel: (off-stage at the moment) Aw cripe Faustus, you look like a game- show reject! And I know you won't always say the right lines!

(now the screen shifted to Kain as 'Bilbo' telling some little vampires about one of his adventures)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): So there I was, at the mercy of three Pillar Guardians, and they were discussing very stupid things, especially the ugly hippy guardian. But they were so busy being stupid that the hippy left and I pulled out a ring and a pointy-eared freak come out and killed one of them!

Vampire Kid: Wow!!

(then Faustus lit a firework then he checked a mirror to see if his hair still looked like Mr. T's hair cause he thought Mr. T's hair was stylish. The scene switches to a buggie that was stolen from K-Mart and tons of fireworks were in there and Melchiah as 'Pippin' was on the buggy)

Rahab (as 'Merry'): No you dip-dong, get the big firework!

Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): (grabs the firework that looks like Moebius' staff) Ooh, neat-o frit-o! It will go boom!

(then they sneak under a tent and put the firework into the ground and Melchiah lights it)

Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): (lights it) Done it!

Rahab (as 'Merry'): Um, you're supposed to light it outside!!

Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): I am? Ooops.

Rahab (as 'Merry'): I hate you.

Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): Hehe, we're gonna be in pain, aren't we?

Rahab (as 'Merry'): (heavy digh) Pippin, I'm gonna kill you over and over again.

(then the firework shot up into the air, totally frying Rahab and Melchiah, and the firework looked like the most ugly, horrifying, and gruesome thing imaginable: Moebius in a swimsuit. All the vampires were running away, trying to hide their eyes, except for Everard Proudhand, who was played by Moebius. He thought it looked sexy)

Raziel (as 'Frodo'): (grabbing onto Kain) Bilbo, we must run, it's a hideous creature!! It's Moebius in a swimsuit!

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Moebius in a swimsuit? Nonsense. He's had nothing to show off for a thousand years.

(then the hideous Moebius firework launched farther and then it exploded, making just about everyone cheer)

Moebius (as 'Everard Proudhand): I looked so good too.

Random Vampire: Yay, that ugly, freak-nasty thing is gone!!

(the scene is back to Rahab and Melchiah who were still burnt)

Rahab (as 'Merry'): Wow, that was a trip! Let's do it again!

Melchiah (as 'Pippin'): A trip!? Are you on drugs or something?

(then Faustus came over and found them)

Faustus (as 'Gandalf'): Meriodic Brookybundle and Peregrin Tolkein-I should have known it was you two. The only two vampires that look less stylish than Sally Struthers.

Melchiah: Hey Rahab, have you noticed that we have very weird last names?

Rahab: (thoughtfully) Yeah.

(while Rahab and Melchiah were forced to wash dishes, where they would occasionally squirt each other with water which playing around having fun until they remembered that water burnt, everyone was telling Kain as 'Bilbo' to make a speech)

Random Vampire: Make a speech you smelly old guy!

Another Random Vampire: Yeah smelly old guy!

Moebius (as Everard Proudhand): I am so proud of my big hands.

Kain (as 'Bilbo'); Okay, okay. My scrupulous No-Last-Names and Coffins, Tolkeins and Brookybundles, weird name, Scrubbs, Bums, Stupidblowers, Burglers, Bracehurdles, and Proudfingers-

Moebius (as 'Everard Proudhand'): It's Proudhand!!

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Ah, who cares about you anyway?

(Moebius frowns)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Today is my one hundrety-leventh birthday!

Random Vampire: Happy birthday!!

Moebius: You suck!

(then someone threw a shoe at Moebius)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Thank you. But leventy-one is too short a time to live amongst such admirable and excellent vampires! Too bad none of you vampires are those excellent ones.

Moebius: Bast-

(then another random vampire threw a shoot at Moebius)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): I don't hate half of you as much as I should and I hate the other half just the right amount.

Moebius (as 'Proudhand'): But we love you...

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Shut up stupid wanker! I especially hate you. Um, since I love to PO you people so much, I've decided to REALLY PO you people, hehehe. I'm so happy to announce that this is the end. I'm going now.

(then Kain held the soul reaver up but he was holding it the wrong way so he didn't disappear)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): Haha, suckers! (then he notices he didn't disappear) Aw cripe. Tell you vampires what, look behind you!

(so all the vampires looked behind themselves and Kain hid where no one could see or hear him)

Kain (as 'Bilbo'): You can look now.

(then everyone looked back and couldn't find him)

Stupidblower: Now how the heck'd he do that?

Moebius (as 'Proudhand'): AHHHH, HE'S DISAPPEARED!

Brookybundle: You know what this means. LYNCH MOB!!

[so they all lynch mobbed Moebius. And now, for some strange reason, the film stopped]
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Kain: Hey, what happened! I wanted to see Moebius get beat up!

Zephon: (the bunny was still chewing on his leg) Yeah, what happened!!? Ni!!

Rahab: Ni!

Turel: Ni!

Melchiah: Ni!

Dumah: Ni!

Kain: Nu!

Dumah: No, it's 'Ni!'

Raziel: Guys, we'll never find out what happened if we just sit here 'Ni!'- ing!

Dumah: Well what else do we do?

Moebius: (who was up at the projector) Mwahahahahahahaha, I have stopped your movie! Now what?

Kain: Hey, turn it back on you retarded monkey!!

Moebius: Never! No one can stop me! Mwahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahazahaha!

(then, somehow, a shoe flew up and hit Moebius' head)

Kain: Where the hell do all these shoes keep coming from?
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Where the hell do all these shoes keep coming from? Where's Faustus? And will Magnus be unsick and be Gandalf again? Well, you'll find out the last two in the next chapter. As for the shoes, well, even I don't know. I hope you liked this chapter, it was a little hard to work with, but oh well. Review if you like!! (Oh, and I did mean to spell the names wrong. They do have weird names)