Disclaimer: I own nothing. See, these are the Tolkieny people ::pulls down chart and slaps pointer on a picture of the Tolkien Estate holding a paper that says 'LOTR copyright':: And this is me ::slaps pointer on a picture of herself holding a bottle ketchup::

CHAPTER NINE

"If we go through the Mines of Morphia, won't we fall asleep if we step on them?" Asked Merry when they stopped at the shiny, glittering doors TO THE MINES OF MORIA.

"IDIOT! FOOL!! We are going through the MINES OF MORIA!! NOT MORPHIA!!" Screamed Gandalf.

Oh, okie dokie," Merry said happily.

"So how do we get in then?" Asked Aragorn looking at the door which shined all prettily in the moonlight.

Gandalf shrugged, "Who knows?"

"Well maybe you should read what it says ON the door," suggested Boromir.

"Nah,"

"Why not?"

"Because, all it says is 'speak friend and enter'. They really don't think we're that stupid, that we won't know the elvish word for friend is Mellon," scoffed Gandalf.

And bada-bing bada-boom the door opened up.

"Oooo, look who's ant-brained NOW," mumbled Aragorn as they walked in the door.

"I was thinking on a larger scale, so it's not me, if that's who you are referring to," called Gandalf from the front.

"Well then why didn't you think of the password?" Said Aragorn angrily.

"Why didn't you, Aragorn the Ant-Brained?" Asked Gandalf. "On second thought," Gandalf whipped around, "I DID think of the password."

Aragorn looked to the stony ground, "Let's just go in then."

They all walked happily into the inky blackness that is THE MINES OF MORIA. All of a sudden something lashed out a Frodo's ankle.

"Er, sir, please, just consider switching your phone service."

No!! It was one of the most horrible and foul creatures in Middle earth, a TELEMARKETER.

"AAAAHHHHH!!! SAVE ME SAM!!" Frodo clawed at the back of Sam's legs, everyone else seemed oblivious to the mingled cries of Frodo and the Telemarketer.

Sam drew a sword out of thin air and went to go cut the phone cord that held Frodo in it's slimy, disgusting grip.

"No, please, we offer competitive rates, and if you switch now we'll throw in caller I.D. and call waiting," the telemarketer shrieked when it saw Sam's sword.

"Oh really?" Asked Sam, intrigued. "Only if I act right now?"

"Uh huh," said the Telemarketer sitting down and opening his briefcase and pulling out an easel and statistics, "as you can see right here-" he slapped a pointer on a poster depicting a bar graph, "MEnet's rates are five cents cheaper than Amagictech."

"Really?" Gasped Sam. "I could cut my phone bill in half?"

"Yes," answered the Telemarkter and passionately pointed at Sam, "plus, caller I.D. and call waiting."

"WOW! What a deal!" Cried Sam.

"SAM DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!" Screamed Frodo.

Everyone turned around and stared when they heard Frodo. They looked at Sam, then the Telemarketer, then at Frodo on the ground wrapped in a telephone cord, then at Sam, then at the Telemarketer, then at Frodo, then again at the Telemarketer. This went on for a few more minutes until it seemed to click in everyone's mind.

"Oooohhhh," they all sighed.

Then Legolas took an arrow and shot the Telemarketer. He stumbled back into the water, clutching his arm.

"Please tell me you meant to shoot him in the arm," Frodo gasped as he stumbled into Moria.

"Eh," Legolas shrugged, "you never know where an arrow is going to go when you're that close."

"What you just said made absolutely no sense," said Aragorn.

"Why?"

"Because you were like five feet away and I would think you could, you know, KILL THE GUY," Answered Aragorn.

"Hey, maybe I did mean to hit him in the arm,"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!!" Screamed Gandalf.

And because of Gandalf nice shrill voice the rock around the entrance collapsed and they were trapped in THE MINES OF MORIA.

"Did you hear that?" Asked Legolas.