**Armor**
I have fought for years to get to where I am. Now I find that I have to be stronger than ever before. If I can't be, then I may lose everything that I have worked so hard for.
There are days and even weeks when I feel as though I have been in a battle of old. Everything has turned against me. My best friend and I rarely find the time to talk about anything other than work. And when we do, it's as if we are just meeting again for the first time and awkward silence fills the gap between us. So, I have begun to hide behind battle worn masks. I have a hidden mask for my feelings. I thought that I wouldn't need it as much now that I was on my own, but then in one night it came out encasing my heart as though it had been forged anew.
I know I need to express the betrayal I'm feeling, but I can't. I'm afraid that if I do, then I won't be able to stop. "If" is a funny word. For most, it is part of what makes them curious; for me it's the beginning of a nightmare that is seemingly never ending. So I hide and try to become one with my chosen profession. But that is impossible. I have other responsibilities in my life. I may appear single, but I'm not.
I see the looks of concern sent my way during the shift, but I can't give in. Not yet, not until I know I will be able to resurface from letting go of the barricade on my emotions. I spend as much time as I can with my daughter and let go a little for her sake. Someday I will be able to let go without fear, but for now I will wear the armor forged from the fires of guilt, anger, and frustration.
I have fought for years to get to where I am. Now I find that I have to be stronger than ever before. If I can't be, then I may lose everything that I have worked so hard for.
There are days and even weeks when I feel as though I have been in a battle of old. Everything has turned against me. My best friend and I rarely find the time to talk about anything other than work. And when we do, it's as if we are just meeting again for the first time and awkward silence fills the gap between us. So, I have begun to hide behind battle worn masks. I have a hidden mask for my feelings. I thought that I wouldn't need it as much now that I was on my own, but then in one night it came out encasing my heart as though it had been forged anew.
I know I need to express the betrayal I'm feeling, but I can't. I'm afraid that if I do, then I won't be able to stop. "If" is a funny word. For most, it is part of what makes them curious; for me it's the beginning of a nightmare that is seemingly never ending. So I hide and try to become one with my chosen profession. But that is impossible. I have other responsibilities in my life. I may appear single, but I'm not.
I see the looks of concern sent my way during the shift, but I can't give in. Not yet, not until I know I will be able to resurface from letting go of the barricade on my emotions. I spend as much time as I can with my daughter and let go a little for her sake. Someday I will be able to let go without fear, but for now I will wear the armor forged from the fires of guilt, anger, and frustration.
