PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.3: Do You Know The Way To Santa Fay? Is That Even Right?


OPEN ON:

THE UNDERWORLD. FOUR ROBED WARLOCKS STAND IN A CIRCLE. I'LL NAME THEM... UH, WON, TOO, THRIE AND FOWR.

WON: So, this Prue the Charmeded One has returned from beyond.
TOO: She has powers unheard of, and so soon after her reawakening.
THRIE: So it shall be that she will only get stronger. Perhaps it is in our best interests to strike sooner rather than when she has built up friendships and alliances.
FOWR: Yes - the half demon Jesse has already fallen to her 'charms' - pardon the pun.
WON: Your pun is not excused! I have a loathing of the word 'pun'! Burn!

WON FLAMES FOWR. ANOTHER WARLOCK QUICKLY TAKES HIS PLACE. LET'S CALL HIM PHIVE.

PHYRE: Hey, that's almost as lame as my name!
KT(OS): The key word being 'almost'.

PHYRE DISAPPEARS. HEHE... 'PHYRE'.

PHIVE: At your service, brothers.
TOO: We should build up our strength, using our four powers, the four quarters, and strike when she expects it not.
THRIE: Yes, yes! Phive, are you prepared to accept the power and resonsibility that comes with controlling water and it's elements?
PHIVE: Does Phoebe have fleas? Hell yes!
WON: So it shall be! Once again, the brothers of the elements will rise to former glory! We shall take down Prue, then move onto her sisters. They shall be easy targets once we've tested our strength on the eldest.
THRIE: Wariness be with us, though. I have been informed the new Charmeded Ones have recently acquired the knowledge that Prue may still live. They will be on the lookout. What if Prue finds out about our attack and warns them?
TOO: The only other person who knows about us is dead!

PAUSE.

TOO: Fowr, you idiums!
ALL: Oh yeah.
WON: I flamed him good. The power of fire resides strong in my person!
PHIVE: And water shall swell and drown them like the little spanish rats they are!
TOO: My wind will blow them away!

THE OTHER WARLOCKS GIGGLE.

TOO: Oh don't be so immature! Let us train! We attack Prue soon!

ROLL CREDITS. *sings along* LA LA LA LA FIGHTING CRIME. LA LA DEMONS ALL THE TIME. HEE I LUBB IT.

SCENE:

INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - KITCHEN. PRUE IS REFURBISHING, AND SHE YELLS AT THE DELIVERY MEN. A LOT.

PRUE: Okay, put the new fridge over there. Come on, I want you to put your back into it so hard you'll have to claim insurance compensation on permenant spinal injuries! Hmm... okay I decided I like it better back over there. Come on, come on, I could TK it faster than you! Hold on, why did I hire you people when I could use my magical power to do it for free?

JESSE SHIMMERS IN. NOBODY BATS AN EYELID.

JESSE: Redecorating, huh? (to the workmen) Put that cooker by that window.
PRUE: Excuse me! This is my house!
JESSE: Yes, and it's a travesty!

PRUE GRABS JESSE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

PRUE: Just what do you think you're doing, shimmering in in front of the mortals?
JESSE: You just told them all you had magical powers!
PRUE: What, so you're eavesdropping now?
JESSE: I only came to say hi. And uh, to kind of, um, ask something.
PRUE: Well I'm waiting.
JESSE: I, uh, well, I was um wondering, if you could... if you WOULD, um, kinda take me on as a member of Prue Investigations.
PRUE: Oh no. No way.
JESSE: Aw, come on Prue! I've got the muscle! The attitude! I'm half demon so I could use my demon form to gain the trust of other evil beings and infiltrate their operations! And I'm stunningly good looking!
PRUE: That's what Cole said and look where that got him.
JESSE: Cole?
PRUE: He's dead.
JESSE: Oh. Really?
PRUE: I dunno. We've vanquished him so many times and he's come back it's hard to keep track. But straying from the point: no.
JESSE: Why not?
PRUE: Because! I can't trust you! Two weeks ago I let Bucklands Guy join P:I and I haven't seen him since last week!
JESSE: Bucklands who?
PRUE: He's dead.
JESSE: Oh. Really?
PRUE: I dunno! I haven't seen him for a week, have I? Though I DID hear a dubious yelling sound coming from that open manhole just outside my house. Oh well.
JESSE: Okay, I won't be like Bucko, I promise. I'll be bigger, better, funnier, and a better lay than him!
PRUE: Oh, like that's hard.
JESSE: Believe me, it is baby.
PRUE: Ew! This show may be more grown up, but kids still watch it!
JESSE: Oh, it's innuendo! They're too stupid to understand! At least we won't have to rely on the sex appeal of the main character like Relic Hunter, because firstly it's pathetic and desperate, and secondly... well... you're kinda...
PRUE: Kinda what, exactly?

PAUSE.

JESSE: Uh... what's brown and sticky?
PRUE: Oh ha ha.
JESSE: See? Razor-sharp wit, that's me! Come on. I'll be better than anyone else. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, all of them put together, I'll be better.
PRUE: How do you know about them?
JESSE: Well I naturally read all these secret police files written about you.
PRUE: Why do you keep prying into my life?
JESSE: Well, I met you, so I felt that naturally it was my job to make it a little bit of my business.
PRUE: Why?
JESSE: Because I care for you!
PRUE: Okay then, but nobody's even told me your name yet!
JESSE: You already know my name - Jesse!
PRUE: Oh yeah, and your demon form is Feebee!
JESSE: SHUT UP WITH THE FEEBEE!

JESSE TURNS INTO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.

FHEOEBIE: Gah! You keep doing this to me!
PRUE: I like your demon side. It's exciting. Dangerous. Erotic.
FHEOEBIE: Really?
PRUE: Hell yes. Then again, I've been dead for months and I haven't got laid in... well... a while. I'm aroused by most things.
FHEOEBIE: What, like this kipper?

FHEOEBIE HOLDS UP A KIPPER.

PRUE: Ooh baybay.
FHEOEBIE: Wow. What about this asphalt?
PRUE: Wow... man, that is doing crazy things to me.
FHEOEBIE: Cool! What about the smell of this sulfer?
PRUE: Oh AP, I'm so phcuking hot!
FHEOEBIE: Hey she even swore!
PRUE: Charmeded style.
FHEOEBIE: Right. What about Paige's panties?

HE HOLDS UP SAID UNDERWEAR ITEM.

PRUE: And suddenly the mood is killed.

PRUE SETS FIRE TO THE OFFENSIVE UNDERWEAR.

PRUE: I don't think I've ever been more turned off.
FHEOEBIE: Damn! I should've quit at the sulfer and taken her then!
PRUE: Bit late now, studbucket.

FHEOEBIE TURNS BACK INTO JESSE.

PRUE: So, other than shimmering, what exactly are your demonic powers?
JESSE: Well, I've got that whole energy ball thing going, of course, and also, well, I see the future.
PRUE: Oh! So your demonic name is Feebee for a reason!
JESSE: Ignoring! But yeah, sadly enough, I get premonitions. However, I have something else as well!

PRUE WATCHES JESSE EXPECTANTLY.

JESSE: Oh, right, you want me to tell you!
PRUE: Uh, yeah.
JESSE: Well, aside from shimmering, energy balls and premonition, I also have a sort of form of mind control. For a temporary amount of time, I can make you think anything I want you to.
PRUE: Oh yeah? Prove it.
JESSE: Okay!

JESSE CLOSES HIS EYES AND CONCENTRATES. PRUE WATCHES HIM SCEPTICALLY. THEN A HUGE EXPLOSION SHAKES THE F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION AND IT BEGINS TO CRUMBLE TO THE GROUND. WITH A SCREAM, PRUE THROWS HERSELF DOWN IN TERROR. THEN, JUST AS QUICKLY AS THE EARTHQUAKE STARTED, IT STOPS, AND THE HOUSE MAGICALLY IS NORMAL AGAIN! JESSE OPENS HIS EYES.

JESSE: I heard you screaming. Believe me now?
PRUE: Uh... earthquakes never bothered me that much.
JESSE: Really? Thet always gave me the jeebies.
PRUE: Would that be the Feebee Jeebies?
JESSE: Well aren't you on the ball with the Feebee jokes today, little miss know all?
PRUE: Yes... that joke was original and up to the minute...

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

PRUE: I have a doorbell?

PRUE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. WE SEE HER COMPLETE SHOCK AND HORROR AS SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IT IS-

PRUE: Penance!?!
PENANCE: Hey, sis!

PENANCE SKIPS INTO THE HOUSE AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS DOING MISCHIEF FOR FUN. SUCH JAPES AS TIPPING OVER LAMPS AND CLOSING THE CURTAINS ARE HER IDEA OF 'MISCHIEF'. WHAT A BRAT!

JESSE: Um, who's this shrimp?
PRUE: Just my miserable brat of a sister, Penance. What are you doing here, runt?
PENANCE: The usual.
PRUE: Mischief for fun?
PENANCE: You got it! Now where's your bubble bath? I want to put green dye in it, then I want to find Piper's secret supply of candy and-
PRUE: Uh Penance? Piper doesn't live here. This is the f*ck off YELLOW mansion. In LA. Piper's house, the f*ck off PINK mansion, is in SF.
PENANCE: Oh... how come you don't live together anymore? Did my mischief I did for fun break you apart?
PRUE: Enough with the mischief for fun you miserable witch!
PENANCE: But why don't you live with Phoebe and Piper anymore?
PRUE: Where have you been the last three years?

PENANCE SHRUGS.

PRUE: I died, and you have a new sister, Paige now. In San Franciso. You should go... sometime today.
PENANCE: You died and you didn't even tell them you were alive?
PRUE: How can I? It'll be too much for them!
JESSE: The miserable brat has a point, Prue. Maybe you should let your sisters know you're continuing the legacy. They deserve it, don't they? I mean, you died so abruptly they didn't even get to say goodbye I'll bet.
PRUE: Yes... that's how it happened... not like they plotted to kill me or anything and decided not to at the last minute when Shaks attacked and finished the job anyway. All because I slept with Leo. Honestly.

PAUSE.

PRUE: What's brown and sticky?
JESSE: You should visit them. I'll hold the fort here. I can get up to all sorts of shannenigans while you're gone!
PRUE: Oh I'll be back by the next episode.
PENANCE: There goes my plans of mischief for fun!
JESSE: I'll second that.
PRUE: Well, you guys convinced me. I'm randomly going to San Francisco... so you guys gotta look after yourselves.
JESSE: Can I come to see your hot sisters?
PENANCE: Yeah yeah hot sisters!
PRUE: Since when were you an incestuous lesbium?
PENANCE: Since my character doesn't really have any personality! Don't leave me with him!
JESSE: No, leave her. Then the raping will begin.

PRUE GLARES.

JESSE: Just kidding!
PENANCE: I wanna see my sisters so I can do mischief for fun!
JESSE: But then won't Phoebe suggest you get locked in a room with a horny demon?
PENANCE: *suggestively* Well, Jesse, if you were the demon then can't say I'd mind!

PRUE SLAPS PENANCE.

PRUE: Miserable witch! Brat! Miserable brat! Witch!

SHE CONTINUES.

JESSE: Uh oh... you stuck Prue on loop.
PENANCE: Yes! And here was me thinking that I'd dried up on the old mischief for fun thing!

PRUE IS STILL GOING. EVENTUALLY JESSE SLAPS HER.

PRUE: Oh man, thanks.
JESSE: Any time.

SUDDENLY JESSE HAS A PREMONITION.

* * *

FOUR WARLOCKS WHO CONTROL THE ELEMENTS, EARTH, AIR, FIRE AND WATER ARE ATTACKING PRUE AND JESSE, USING THE NATURAL POWER OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS TO REALLY SMASH THE TWO IDIUMS.

* * *

PRUE WATCHES JESSE SCREAM IN PAIN AND REVERT TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE, TO HELP HIM COPE WITH THE AGONY OF HIS VISION. WHEN IT'S OVER, JESSE COLLAPSES.

PRUE: Oh AP, Jesse, maybe I shouldn't go. What did you see?
JESSE: It was... it was nothing.
PRUE: Oh come on, people don't have premonitions to tell them the toast is burning. There must be something big going on!
JESSE: Prue, really. It's nothing. Look, go to Frisco, and if I think it's important, I'll tell you when you come back. Right now, I have a house to refurbish and a miserable brat to think up a punishment for.
PRUE: Locking her in a room with a horny demon usually does the trick. Actually... maybe it doesn't! I mean, if she really hated getting raped by a demon then surely after the first time she'd learn not to get up to mischief for fun! But she does it countless times and continues to still do it!

PAUSE.

JESSE: So... should I still lock her in a room with a horny demon?
PRUE: May as well. Then the raping will begin.
JESSE: Sounds great! So... you'll be back soon?

JESSE TAKES PRUE IN HIS ARMS. HIS STRONG, MUSCLY ARMS. MMM... PRUE GRINS.

PRUE: Before the next episode, I'll be back. Well, I'll be a little late to give this show a sense of time, okay?
JESSE: That's fine. There might be a few changes around here when you get back.
PRUE: *concerned* Really? Like what?
JESSE: Well, your business sign for one.

PRUE LOOKS AT THE TATTY PIECE OF PAPER PINNED ON HER DOOR SAYING "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS" ON IT.

PRUE: What's wrong with it?

JESSE PRODUCES A BRONZE BUSINESS SIGN WITH THE WORDS "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS HEADED BY PRUE HALLIWELL WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF JESSE BARTER."

PRUE: Wow, that's beautiful! Barter, huh?
JESSE: Well, Jesse Barter was the name of a guy I once killed. And, you know, if you play it over in your head, Prue Barter doesn't sound too bad.
OLLY(OS): Yeah baybay!
PRUE: Oh, you.

SHE PLAYFULLY HITS HIM.

PRUE: People aren't gonna like you.
JESSE: People?
PRUE: Yeah, the viewers of P:I. The tend to have a general loathing of people who are nice. Or in Stephanie's case, people who *I* like. She just could never settle for giving me a happily ever after! So I ate her.
JESSE: You'll get one - a happily ever after, that is, one day I swear. Now go to San Fran.

SMILING, PRUE ORBS OUT.

JESSE: And when you can come back, I can tell you you're about to die at the hands of the Brothers of the Elements.

SUDDENLY, JESSE IS SURROUNDED BY A RING OF FLAMES AND DISAPPEARS, SCREAMING. PENANCE WALKS IN.

PENANCE: Hello? Jesse? Prue?

SILENCE.

PENANCE: Great! Time to do some mischief for fun!

CUT TO:

UNDERWORLD - CONTINUOUS. THE FOUR BROTHERS OF THE ELEMENTS ARE STILL STANDING IN THE CIRCLE-

THRIE: My legs hurt!

YES, I CAN IMAGINE THEY DO.

THRIE: I've been standing for ages!

OKAY. POOR YOU. NOW THEY'RE-

THRIE: Hey! If you're gonn sympathise with me here at least do it with some conviction! "Poor you" isn't gonna cut it!

*SIGH* IT'S HORRIBLE! THRIE IS SO TIRED FROM STANDING HE MIGHT DIE, AS MIGHT WE ALL!

THRIE: That's better.

PAUSE.

THRIE: Now continue.

... THANKS. ANYWAY, THEY'RE STILL THERE WHEN JESSE APPEARS IN A RING OF FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. ONCE HE HAS FULLY FORMED AND THE FLAMES GONE, HE LOOKS AROUND HIM WILDLY.

JESSE: What do you want with me? Why have you summoned me?
WON: So the mighty Fheoebie has resorted to consorting with witches now? Hey a rhyme!
JESSE: It's... it's not like that. No - it is! I am! I'm good now!
PHIVE: We shall see.

PHIVE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT JESSE.

PHIVE: Speak to us in your demon form!

THE ENERGY BALL HITS, AND IN HIS PAIN, JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.

FHEOEBIE: Now look what you have done! Whenever I'm a demon, I feel an inexplicable urge to be evil come over me! And I probably shouldn't have told you that.
TOO: Fheoebie, you will defy your witch and rejoin us, and help us destroy the Charmeded Ones once and for all!
FHEOEBIE: Never!

THE FOUR BROTHERS BEGIN TO CLOSE UP ON HIM. WE FADE OUT ON HIS TERRIFIED SCREAM.

FADE TO:

BLACK.

TOLD YOU WE FADED OUT.



VOICE OVER MAN: Oh no! Prue's gone and Jesse's helpless against the brothers of the elements!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Why I can barely watch!
VOICE OVER MAN: Well that's fine, since the episode is over, idium!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Ohhh... that's why we're suddenly talking now. Sometimes I forget.
VOICE OVER MAN: *sigh*