A/N: Shannen told me that if ratings for this show don't improve she's taking it down - and Charmeded. I'm only the messenger!
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.4: The Big Fish
PRUE(VO): Previously on Prue Investigations.
* * *
PRUE GRABS JESSE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
PRUE: Just what do you think you're doing, shimmering in in front of the mortals?
JESSE: I, uh, well, I was um wondering, if you could... if you WOULD, um, kinda take me on as a member of Prue Investigations.
PRUE: Oh no. No way.
* * *
PRUE: I'm aroused by most things.
FHEOEBIE: What, like this kipper?
FHEOEBIE HOLDS UP A KIPPER.
PRUE: Ooh baybay.
* * *
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
PRUE: I have a doorbell?
PRUE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. WE SEE HER COMPLETE SHOCK AND HORROR AS SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IT IS-
PRUE: Penance!?!
* * *
SUDDENLY JESSE HAS A PREMONITION.
*
FOUR WARLOCKS WHO CONTROL THE ELEMENTS, EARTH, AIR, FIRE AND WATER ARE ATTACKING PRUE AND JESSE, USING THE NATURAL POWER OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS TO REALLY SMASH THE TWO IDIUMS.
* * *
PRUE: Well, you guys convinced me. I'm randomly going to San Francisco
SMILING, PRUE ORBS OUT.
* * *
SUDDENLY, JESSE IS SURROUNDED BY A RING OF FLAMES AND DISAPPEARS, SCREAMING. PENANCE WALKS IN.
PENANCE: Hello? Jesse? Prue?
* * *
JESSE APPEARS IN A RING OF FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUR BROTHERS OF THE ELEMENTS. ONCE HE HAS FULLY FORMED AND THE FLAMES GONE, HE LOOKS AROUND HIM WILDLY.
JESSE: What do you want with me? Why have you summoned me?
WON: So the mighty Fheoebie has resorted to consorting with witches now?
JESSE: It's... it's not like that. No - it is! I am! I'm good now!
PHIVE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT JESSE.
PHIVE: Speak to us in your demon form!
THE ENERGY BALL HITS, AND IN HIS PAIN, JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.
TOO: Fheoebie, you will defy your witch and rejoin us, and help us destroy the Charmeded Ones once and for all!
FHEOEBIE: Never!
THE FOUR BROTHERS BEGIN TO CLOSE UP ON HIM. WE FADE OUT ON HIS TERRIFIED SCREAM.
* * *
FADE TO:
BLACK.
THAT RECAP TOOK UP A NICE AMOUNT OF SPACE!
SCENE:
THE UNDERWORLD - SUBTITLE: "FIVE DAYS LATER". WE ARE IN ONE OF THE 'LAVISHLY DECORATED' CAVES OF THE UNDERWORLD. IT IS EMPTY UNTIL:
JESSE(OS): Get away from me!
JESSE APPEARS AND RUNS IN, BUT FINDS HIMSELF CORNERED IN THE ROOM BY - A YAPPING DOG.
DOG: Yip! Yap! Yip!
JESSE: Aiii! Get it off! Call it off!
WON, TOO AND PHIVE ENTER.
WON: Okay McGowan, thats enough.
THE DOG SUBSIDES AND SCAMPERS OFF. HA! GEDDIT? I CALLED IT MCGOWAN! I'M BASICALLY SAYING ROSE MCGOWAN IS A DOG! OH GOD, I'M SOOOOOOOO FREAKIN HILARIOUS! ... ABOUT AS HILARIOUS AS A CANDLE THAT'S JUST GONE OUT FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.
PHIVE: Have you reconsidered yet Jesse? Either way, your precious witch shall burn. If you aid us, it would simply ensure that you live. What do you say?
LONG PAUSE AS JESSE MULLS THIS OVER. LOOKING DOWN, HE THEN MORPHS INTO HIS DEMON HALF, FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: I will join you.
HE SHIMMERS OUT. THRIE, THE FOURTH BROTHER, BLINKS IN.
THRIE: Well?
TOO: He will aid us and kill his precious witch. Then we shall kill him.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!
FADE TO:
BLACK.
THRIE(OS): Why do people always call them "precious" witches?
PAUSE.
ROLL CREDITS.
SCENE:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - DAY. PENANCE IS SCRAMBLING ABOUT UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS FOR SOME REASON. THEN SHE TELEPORTS IN (THAT'S HER POWER, DONTCHA KNOW?) AND STANDS LOOKING BLANK. JESSE SHIMMERS IN.
PENANCE: Oh my AP! You're a demon!
JESSE: No sh*t, Sherlock.
PENANCE: Can I get locked in a room with you?
JESSE: I'm not horny.
JESSE CONJOURS UP AN ENERGY BALL AND POINTS HIS HAND AT PENANCE.
PENANCE: Wh... what're you doing?
JESSE: I'm sorry. I have to.
JESSE LETS THE ENERGY BALL GO, AND IT SMASHES INTO PENANCE, KILLING HER INSTANTLY. JESSE REVERTS TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: That poor sweet miserable brat.
HE PICKS HER BODY UP AND SHIMMERS OUT. PRUE ORBS IN.
PRUE: Guys, I'm home!
SILENCE.
PRUE: Guys?
SHE FINDS THE SCORCH MARK WHERE PENANCE WAS.
PRUE: Oh my god... Jesse? Penance?
JESSE SHIMMERS IN LOOKING GUILTY.
PRUE: Oh, you're all right. Where's Penance?
JESSE: I - she - uh... Prue. Penance is dead.
CLOSE UP ON PRUE'S SHOCKED FACE. MMM... PRUE.
PRUE: Dead?
JESSE: Uh, demon, came and energy balled her back to hell. I couldn't stop him, I was at Pizza Hut.
PRUE: Well, I can't blame you. The stuffed crust sure is delicious!
JESSE: You're damn right there!
THEY BOTH FACE THE CAMERA AND DO A THUMBS UP. PRUE KNEELS BESIDE THE SCORCH MARK.
PRUE: Oh this is gonna stain!
JESSE: Um Prue, your sister has just died!
PRUE: Ah, there'll be another one to take her place. There always is.
A KNIFE MATERIALISES IN JESSE'S HAND AND HE LOOKS AT IT, CONFUSED. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS TO DO. PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES IT.
PRUE: Oh, thanks.
SHE TAKES THE KNIFE FROM HIM AND STARTS TO SCRAPE AT THE STAIN WITH IT. JESSE WIPES HIS BROW AND SHIMMERS OUT.
PRUE: So did you miss me?
ON NO REPLY, PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES JESSE HAS GONE. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND A WOMAN RUNS IN, BEFORE COLLAPSING TO THE GROUND. SHE HUDDLES UP AND SHIVERS, WHIMPERING.
PRUE: Hey hey hey! This ain't no squatting house!
WOMAN: *looks around* Really?
PRUE: Get out!
WOMAN: I need your help! Angel Investigations has a queue.
PRUE: Great start to asking for my assistance.
WOMAN: Oh please, you're obviously desperate!
PRUE: I have a brass metal plaque thingy on the door!
WOMAN: It's a tatty old piece of paper, and 'Investigations' isn't even spelt correctly. And unless your name is Poopy, then that's also misspelled.
PAUSE. PRUE GOES TO LOOK.
PRUE(OS): Penance!
CUT TO:
THE UNDERWORLD. JESSE SHIMMERS IN AND BUMPS INTO-
COLE: Oh. Hello.
JESSE: Evening.
PAUSE.
BOTH: Weren't you supposed to be dead?
COLE: Quiet!
JESSE: Shh!
COLE: So, the infamous Fheoebie has teamed up with a witch, I hear?
JESSE: Only learning from the best, Belthazor. Besides, not that it matters, my witch is better than yours.
COLE: She is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
OKAY... THIS IS GONNA GO ON.
CUT TO:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - LIVING ROOM. PRUE GIVES THE WOMAN A CUP OF TEA.
PRUE: It's jasmine.
WOMAN: Don't you have any camomile?
PRUE: Oh, the memories! My sisters and I used to drink camomile all the stinkin' time!
PRUE BURSTS INTO TEARS. THEN STOPS.
PRUE: Anyways. What can I do you for? And what's your name?
WOMAN: Oh, it's Fee. Fee Bay.
PRUE: ANOTHER PHEOBE???
FEE: No, Fee Bay. It's two words. Just call me Fee.
BY NOW PRUE IS QUIVERING ON THE FLOOR, HAVING ONE OF THOSE SEIZURES WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.
PRUE: Feebee, Phoebe, Fee Bay, Fheoebie, can't I escape?
FEE: No. Now help me!
PRUE REGAINS HER COMPOSURE.
PRUE: Right. What's the problem?
FEE: This... monster thingy is after me. I'm not sure how, but my daddy is rich and I think they're after his corporation-
PRUE: I think you may have misunderstood what P:I is - we fight supernatural things, not corporate battles.
FEE: No - these aren't normal people! They... they change when they think people aren't looking! Into, well, monsters! They have scaled skin and horns and, oh, please, help me! They've tried to kidnap me to hold me ransom to get my father to hand over the business, but I got away, so I came here. Please, I need you.
SILENCE AS PRUE THINKS ABOUT THIS.
PRUE: Okay. Let me ask you one thing: did one of them go by the name Paige?
FEE: No. There was a Piper, a Phoebe, a Leo and a Cole, but no Paige.
PRUE: Drat. Take me to where you were when they tried to kidnap you.
FEE: Right. This way.
PRUE: Hold on a second.
PRUE RUBS AT HER TEMPLES THEN ORBS OUT.
FEE: Oh my paige!
PRUE ORBS BACK IN AND SLAPS FEE.
PRUE: Thou shalt not worship a false god!
PRUE THEN ORBS OUT AGAIN.
CUT TO:
ATTIC. PRUE APPEARS AND WANDERS ABOUT.
PRUE: It'd be nice to have the Book here right about now. Oh well.
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES BESIDE A CHEST AND OPENS IT, LIFTING OUT A CROSSBOW AND A SWORD.
PRUE: Man I'm tough. Tough like a buff rough... scuff. Okay enough. Oooh even that rhymed too! Tough, buff, rough, scuff, enough, I AM good!
PRUE STRAPS ON A BELT WITH A SHEATH WHICH SHE PLACES THE SWORD IN AND ATTACHES THE CROSSBOW TO A SHOULDER STRAP, BEFORE ALSO STRAPPING THAT ON.
PRUE: *manly voice* The girl likes strap-ons.
WHAT? OH, QUIT YOUR MOANING. YOU WERE ALL THINKING IT AND GIGGLING AWAY INSIDE YOUR HEADS, AND PRUE JUST WANTS TO FIT IN, SO SHE CRACKS THE ODD DIRTY JOKE, IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? GEEZ...
PRUE: Yeah! You wouldn't get that sort of actor/audience relationship in Charmeded!
OKAY PRUE, ENOUGH. JUST... CONTINUE. PRUE PUTS HER HAIR UP AND PUTS A RED SWEAT BAND ACROSS HER FOREHEAD. SHE THEN TAKES A BREATH AND ORBS OUT.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM. FEE IS STANDING LOOKING ANXIOUS WHEN PRUE ORBS IN. FEE SCREAMS.
PRUE: Oh, sorry, I have powers too. But they're not evil.
FEE: That's not why I was screaming.
PRUE: Oh.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Jesse!
SILENCE.
PRUE: Huh. Wonder where he is. Oh well, let's go.
THEY EXIT.
CUT TO:
UNDERWORLD. COLE AND JESSE ARE NOW IN THEIR DEMON FORMS.
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is... what were we arguing about? Oh yeah - is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR WAVES HIS HAND AND PHOEBE RANDOMLY APPEARS.
PHOEBE: Aii! Cole! I'm dressed! You can't see me like this!
BELTHAZOR MORPHS INTO COLE.
COLE: I've seen it before, sweetie, don't worry.
HE TURNS TO FHEOEBIE, WHO IS NOW JESSE AGAIN.
COLE: Now tell me she isn't better than your witch, Paige.
JESSE: Paige? Pah! This is my witch!
JESSE WAVES HIS HAND AND PRUE APPEARS, STILL RAMBOED UP. ANYONE ELSE WONDERING HOW COLE AND JESSE GOT THOSE POWERS?
PRUE: Leave her alone you filthy demons!
COLE: I wasn't touching her - Prue?
ALL: PRUE!?!
JESSE: Wait, I knew she was gonna appear.
PHOEBE: And I knew she was alive.
COLE: I didn't! Oh god, Jesse, you win!
PRUE: What's he doing here?
PHOEBE: Win at what?
JESSE: Who has the better witch.
PRUE: Jesse! *hits* I just lost us an innocent!
COLE: Ha! Phoebe never loses innocents.
PHOEBE: Inno-whats?
PRUE: Well, I wouldn't have if happy-go-summon here wasn't so... happy.
PHOEBE: Cole? Can we go have sex now?
COLE LOOKS LONGINGLY AT PRUE THEN SHOOTS JESSE A DIRTY LOOK.
COLE: *sighs* I guess so.
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN DELIGHT AND BEFORE THEY HAVE EVEN SHIMMERED OUT, HER CLOTHES ARE OFF.
PRUE: Ew.
JESSE: Alone at last, huh?
PRUE: What are you doing down here?
SUDDENLY A WARLOCK BLINKS IN.
PRUE: What the bug eyed freak paige!
JESSE: Duck!
HE PUSHES PRUE OVER AND THEN... COVERS HIS POCKETS WITH HIS HANDS?
JESSE: It's a Bounty Hunter.
PRUE: Shouldn't you be torching it right about now?
THE BOUNTY HUNTER STARTS SNIFFING ABOUT ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.
JESSE: Oh, no, they're quite harmless really.
THE BOUNTY HUNTER SCRAMBLES UP TO JESSE AND SNUFFLES AROUND AT HIS FEET, THEN STOPS, SMELLING SOMETHING. IT STARTS SNIFFING UP HIS LEG AND-
JESSE: Hey! Stay out of there!
WITH A SNARL OF JOY STROKE WEIRD TYPE OF ANGER, THE BOUNTY HUNTER STICKS HIS HAND IN JESSE'S POCKET AND PRODUCES A BOUNTY CHOCOLATE BAR, BEFORE SMIRKING AND BLINKING OUT.
JESSE: Damn!
PRUE: What the paige was that?
JESSE: A Bounty Hunter. And I was looking forward to that coconut beauty. Prue, quick, I need a fix. Do you have any chocolate on you? Coconut?
PRUE: Uh, sorry.
JESSE: I NEED MY BOUNTY!
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: Grahhhhhh!
PRUE: Well I need to save an innocent, so let's go.
PRUE ORBS OUT. PAUSE. AP APPEARS. (ALL HAIL OUR GREAT GOD AP!)
ASTRAL: And I'll get you a bounty once we're done.
FHEOBEIE: *folds arms* No. Want one now.
ASTRAL: *sighs*
CUT TO:
OFFICE BUILDING. PRUE AND JESSE ENTER. JESSE IS MUNCHING ON A BOUNTY. MAN I WANT A BOUNTY... REALLY I DO. *STARTS SNUFFLING ABOUT PEOPLE'S POCKETS* ANYWAYS. PRUE WALKS UP TO A RANDOM MAN AND TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL.
PRUE: Take that, bizatch!
JESSE: Fair enough.
PRUE TAKES OUT SOME MORE RANDOM MEN IN MUCH THE SAME MANNER AS JESSE LOOKS ON. PRUE BURSTS INTO A ROOM AND SEES FEE BAY TIED TO A CHAIR WITH A RANDOM DEMON GROWLING AT HER.
PRUE: Time to put the cat out.
JESSE: Go. Prue.
PRUE KILLS THE DEMON WITH HER BARE HANDS. YES. HER BARE. HANDS. WOW. WHAT A WOMAN. JESSE RANDOMLY TURNS INTO FHEOBIE.
FHEOBIE: AP dammit!
PRUE: What happened this time?
FHEOBIE: Gah! I don't know!
FEE: Can someone untie me?
PRUE STARES.
PRUE: Not in my job description.
SHE ORBS OUT. FHEOBIE LOOKS AT FEE, SHRUGS AND SHIMMERS OUT.
FEE: Feck.
CUT TO:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION. PRUE AND FHEOBIE ORB/SHIMMER IN.
PRUE: *singing* Fheobie in his petticoat, Fhoebie in his gown...
FHOEBIE: SHUT UP!
FHEOBIE CLUTCHES AT HIS HEAD. ANYBODY ELSE THINK WE'VE GOT A SERIOUSLY DERANGED DEMON ON OUR HANDS HERE? SUDDENLY HE CALMS DOWN AND REVERTS INTO JESSE, HIS LUBBLY HUMAN FORM.
JESSE: Okay, this has been bothering me all episode. Have you changed your hair?
PRUE: Yes, actually. I got an inch taken off it and shaped my bangs.
KT(OS): Hehe 'bangs'.
JESSE: And you didn't tell me?!?
PRUE: Wha? It's just a haircut!
JESSE: 'What' has a 'T' on the end, bizatch, and I can't believe you kept it quiet! This is huge!
PRUE: But it's a-
JESSE: Very big deal! Prue! You got your hair cut! Do you have any idea what this means?
PRUE: Well no, actua-
JESSE: Silence! I need some time alone to sort my head out.
JESSE EXITS LEAVING PRUE STARING AFTER HIM, BAFFLED.
FADE TO:
BLACK.
VOICE OVER MAN: Wowo! Prue got a hair cut! It's incredible!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: I can't believe how much more serious and angsty Prue: Investigations is than Charmeded. Really this is heavy going. Sometimes it actually hurts to watch!
VOICE OVER MAN: I just don't know how KT's going to handle what the next couple of episodes are going to entail now, because everybody's going to be reeling after this one.
YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE REELING RIGHT. NOW.
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.4: The Big Fish
PRUE(VO): Previously on Prue Investigations.
* * *
PRUE GRABS JESSE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
PRUE: Just what do you think you're doing, shimmering in in front of the mortals?
JESSE: I, uh, well, I was um wondering, if you could... if you WOULD, um, kinda take me on as a member of Prue Investigations.
PRUE: Oh no. No way.
* * *
PRUE: I'm aroused by most things.
FHEOEBIE: What, like this kipper?
FHEOEBIE HOLDS UP A KIPPER.
PRUE: Ooh baybay.
* * *
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
PRUE: I have a doorbell?
PRUE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. WE SEE HER COMPLETE SHOCK AND HORROR AS SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IT IS-
PRUE: Penance!?!
* * *
SUDDENLY JESSE HAS A PREMONITION.
*
FOUR WARLOCKS WHO CONTROL THE ELEMENTS, EARTH, AIR, FIRE AND WATER ARE ATTACKING PRUE AND JESSE, USING THE NATURAL POWER OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS TO REALLY SMASH THE TWO IDIUMS.
* * *
PRUE: Well, you guys convinced me. I'm randomly going to San Francisco
SMILING, PRUE ORBS OUT.
* * *
SUDDENLY, JESSE IS SURROUNDED BY A RING OF FLAMES AND DISAPPEARS, SCREAMING. PENANCE WALKS IN.
PENANCE: Hello? Jesse? Prue?
* * *
JESSE APPEARS IN A RING OF FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUR BROTHERS OF THE ELEMENTS. ONCE HE HAS FULLY FORMED AND THE FLAMES GONE, HE LOOKS AROUND HIM WILDLY.
JESSE: What do you want with me? Why have you summoned me?
WON: So the mighty Fheoebie has resorted to consorting with witches now?
JESSE: It's... it's not like that. No - it is! I am! I'm good now!
PHIVE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT JESSE.
PHIVE: Speak to us in your demon form!
THE ENERGY BALL HITS, AND IN HIS PAIN, JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.
TOO: Fheoebie, you will defy your witch and rejoin us, and help us destroy the Charmeded Ones once and for all!
FHEOEBIE: Never!
THE FOUR BROTHERS BEGIN TO CLOSE UP ON HIM. WE FADE OUT ON HIS TERRIFIED SCREAM.
* * *
FADE TO:
BLACK.
THAT RECAP TOOK UP A NICE AMOUNT OF SPACE!
SCENE:
THE UNDERWORLD - SUBTITLE: "FIVE DAYS LATER". WE ARE IN ONE OF THE 'LAVISHLY DECORATED' CAVES OF THE UNDERWORLD. IT IS EMPTY UNTIL:
JESSE(OS): Get away from me!
JESSE APPEARS AND RUNS IN, BUT FINDS HIMSELF CORNERED IN THE ROOM BY - A YAPPING DOG.
DOG: Yip! Yap! Yip!
JESSE: Aiii! Get it off! Call it off!
WON, TOO AND PHIVE ENTER.
WON: Okay McGowan, thats enough.
THE DOG SUBSIDES AND SCAMPERS OFF. HA! GEDDIT? I CALLED IT MCGOWAN! I'M BASICALLY SAYING ROSE MCGOWAN IS A DOG! OH GOD, I'M SOOOOOOOO FREAKIN HILARIOUS! ... ABOUT AS HILARIOUS AS A CANDLE THAT'S JUST GONE OUT FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.
PHIVE: Have you reconsidered yet Jesse? Either way, your precious witch shall burn. If you aid us, it would simply ensure that you live. What do you say?
LONG PAUSE AS JESSE MULLS THIS OVER. LOOKING DOWN, HE THEN MORPHS INTO HIS DEMON HALF, FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: I will join you.
HE SHIMMERS OUT. THRIE, THE FOURTH BROTHER, BLINKS IN.
THRIE: Well?
TOO: He will aid us and kill his precious witch. Then we shall kill him.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!
FADE TO:
BLACK.
THRIE(OS): Why do people always call them "precious" witches?
PAUSE.
ROLL CREDITS.
SCENE:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - DAY. PENANCE IS SCRAMBLING ABOUT UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS FOR SOME REASON. THEN SHE TELEPORTS IN (THAT'S HER POWER, DONTCHA KNOW?) AND STANDS LOOKING BLANK. JESSE SHIMMERS IN.
PENANCE: Oh my AP! You're a demon!
JESSE: No sh*t, Sherlock.
PENANCE: Can I get locked in a room with you?
JESSE: I'm not horny.
JESSE CONJOURS UP AN ENERGY BALL AND POINTS HIS HAND AT PENANCE.
PENANCE: Wh... what're you doing?
JESSE: I'm sorry. I have to.
JESSE LETS THE ENERGY BALL GO, AND IT SMASHES INTO PENANCE, KILLING HER INSTANTLY. JESSE REVERTS TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: That poor sweet miserable brat.
HE PICKS HER BODY UP AND SHIMMERS OUT. PRUE ORBS IN.
PRUE: Guys, I'm home!
SILENCE.
PRUE: Guys?
SHE FINDS THE SCORCH MARK WHERE PENANCE WAS.
PRUE: Oh my god... Jesse? Penance?
JESSE SHIMMERS IN LOOKING GUILTY.
PRUE: Oh, you're all right. Where's Penance?
JESSE: I - she - uh... Prue. Penance is dead.
CLOSE UP ON PRUE'S SHOCKED FACE. MMM... PRUE.
PRUE: Dead?
JESSE: Uh, demon, came and energy balled her back to hell. I couldn't stop him, I was at Pizza Hut.
PRUE: Well, I can't blame you. The stuffed crust sure is delicious!
JESSE: You're damn right there!
THEY BOTH FACE THE CAMERA AND DO A THUMBS UP. PRUE KNEELS BESIDE THE SCORCH MARK.
PRUE: Oh this is gonna stain!
JESSE: Um Prue, your sister has just died!
PRUE: Ah, there'll be another one to take her place. There always is.
A KNIFE MATERIALISES IN JESSE'S HAND AND HE LOOKS AT IT, CONFUSED. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS TO DO. PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES IT.
PRUE: Oh, thanks.
SHE TAKES THE KNIFE FROM HIM AND STARTS TO SCRAPE AT THE STAIN WITH IT. JESSE WIPES HIS BROW AND SHIMMERS OUT.
PRUE: So did you miss me?
ON NO REPLY, PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES JESSE HAS GONE. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND A WOMAN RUNS IN, BEFORE COLLAPSING TO THE GROUND. SHE HUDDLES UP AND SHIVERS, WHIMPERING.
PRUE: Hey hey hey! This ain't no squatting house!
WOMAN: *looks around* Really?
PRUE: Get out!
WOMAN: I need your help! Angel Investigations has a queue.
PRUE: Great start to asking for my assistance.
WOMAN: Oh please, you're obviously desperate!
PRUE: I have a brass metal plaque thingy on the door!
WOMAN: It's a tatty old piece of paper, and 'Investigations' isn't even spelt correctly. And unless your name is Poopy, then that's also misspelled.
PAUSE. PRUE GOES TO LOOK.
PRUE(OS): Penance!
CUT TO:
THE UNDERWORLD. JESSE SHIMMERS IN AND BUMPS INTO-
COLE: Oh. Hello.
JESSE: Evening.
PAUSE.
BOTH: Weren't you supposed to be dead?
COLE: Quiet!
JESSE: Shh!
COLE: So, the infamous Fheoebie has teamed up with a witch, I hear?
JESSE: Only learning from the best, Belthazor. Besides, not that it matters, my witch is better than yours.
COLE: She is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
JESSE: Is too!
COLE: Is not!
OKAY... THIS IS GONNA GO ON.
CUT TO:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - LIVING ROOM. PRUE GIVES THE WOMAN A CUP OF TEA.
PRUE: It's jasmine.
WOMAN: Don't you have any camomile?
PRUE: Oh, the memories! My sisters and I used to drink camomile all the stinkin' time!
PRUE BURSTS INTO TEARS. THEN STOPS.
PRUE: Anyways. What can I do you for? And what's your name?
WOMAN: Oh, it's Fee. Fee Bay.
PRUE: ANOTHER PHEOBE???
FEE: No, Fee Bay. It's two words. Just call me Fee.
BY NOW PRUE IS QUIVERING ON THE FLOOR, HAVING ONE OF THOSE SEIZURES WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.
PRUE: Feebee, Phoebe, Fee Bay, Fheoebie, can't I escape?
FEE: No. Now help me!
PRUE REGAINS HER COMPOSURE.
PRUE: Right. What's the problem?
FEE: This... monster thingy is after me. I'm not sure how, but my daddy is rich and I think they're after his corporation-
PRUE: I think you may have misunderstood what P:I is - we fight supernatural things, not corporate battles.
FEE: No - these aren't normal people! They... they change when they think people aren't looking! Into, well, monsters! They have scaled skin and horns and, oh, please, help me! They've tried to kidnap me to hold me ransom to get my father to hand over the business, but I got away, so I came here. Please, I need you.
SILENCE AS PRUE THINKS ABOUT THIS.
PRUE: Okay. Let me ask you one thing: did one of them go by the name Paige?
FEE: No. There was a Piper, a Phoebe, a Leo and a Cole, but no Paige.
PRUE: Drat. Take me to where you were when they tried to kidnap you.
FEE: Right. This way.
PRUE: Hold on a second.
PRUE RUBS AT HER TEMPLES THEN ORBS OUT.
FEE: Oh my paige!
PRUE ORBS BACK IN AND SLAPS FEE.
PRUE: Thou shalt not worship a false god!
PRUE THEN ORBS OUT AGAIN.
CUT TO:
ATTIC. PRUE APPEARS AND WANDERS ABOUT.
PRUE: It'd be nice to have the Book here right about now. Oh well.
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES BESIDE A CHEST AND OPENS IT, LIFTING OUT A CROSSBOW AND A SWORD.
PRUE: Man I'm tough. Tough like a buff rough... scuff. Okay enough. Oooh even that rhymed too! Tough, buff, rough, scuff, enough, I AM good!
PRUE STRAPS ON A BELT WITH A SHEATH WHICH SHE PLACES THE SWORD IN AND ATTACHES THE CROSSBOW TO A SHOULDER STRAP, BEFORE ALSO STRAPPING THAT ON.
PRUE: *manly voice* The girl likes strap-ons.
WHAT? OH, QUIT YOUR MOANING. YOU WERE ALL THINKING IT AND GIGGLING AWAY INSIDE YOUR HEADS, AND PRUE JUST WANTS TO FIT IN, SO SHE CRACKS THE ODD DIRTY JOKE, IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? GEEZ...
PRUE: Yeah! You wouldn't get that sort of actor/audience relationship in Charmeded!
OKAY PRUE, ENOUGH. JUST... CONTINUE. PRUE PUTS HER HAIR UP AND PUTS A RED SWEAT BAND ACROSS HER FOREHEAD. SHE THEN TAKES A BREATH AND ORBS OUT.
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM. FEE IS STANDING LOOKING ANXIOUS WHEN PRUE ORBS IN. FEE SCREAMS.
PRUE: Oh, sorry, I have powers too. But they're not evil.
FEE: That's not why I was screaming.
PRUE: Oh.
PAUSE.
PRUE: Jesse!
SILENCE.
PRUE: Huh. Wonder where he is. Oh well, let's go.
THEY EXIT.
CUT TO:
UNDERWORLD. COLE AND JESSE ARE NOW IN THEIR DEMON FORMS.
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR: Is... what were we arguing about? Oh yeah - is not!
FHEOEBIE: Is too!
BELTHAZOR WAVES HIS HAND AND PHOEBE RANDOMLY APPEARS.
PHOEBE: Aii! Cole! I'm dressed! You can't see me like this!
BELTHAZOR MORPHS INTO COLE.
COLE: I've seen it before, sweetie, don't worry.
HE TURNS TO FHEOEBIE, WHO IS NOW JESSE AGAIN.
COLE: Now tell me she isn't better than your witch, Paige.
JESSE: Paige? Pah! This is my witch!
JESSE WAVES HIS HAND AND PRUE APPEARS, STILL RAMBOED UP. ANYONE ELSE WONDERING HOW COLE AND JESSE GOT THOSE POWERS?
PRUE: Leave her alone you filthy demons!
COLE: I wasn't touching her - Prue?
ALL: PRUE!?!
JESSE: Wait, I knew she was gonna appear.
PHOEBE: And I knew she was alive.
COLE: I didn't! Oh god, Jesse, you win!
PRUE: What's he doing here?
PHOEBE: Win at what?
JESSE: Who has the better witch.
PRUE: Jesse! *hits* I just lost us an innocent!
COLE: Ha! Phoebe never loses innocents.
PHOEBE: Inno-whats?
PRUE: Well, I wouldn't have if happy-go-summon here wasn't so... happy.
PHOEBE: Cole? Can we go have sex now?
COLE LOOKS LONGINGLY AT PRUE THEN SHOOTS JESSE A DIRTY LOOK.
COLE: *sighs* I guess so.
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN DELIGHT AND BEFORE THEY HAVE EVEN SHIMMERED OUT, HER CLOTHES ARE OFF.
PRUE: Ew.
JESSE: Alone at last, huh?
PRUE: What are you doing down here?
SUDDENLY A WARLOCK BLINKS IN.
PRUE: What the bug eyed freak paige!
JESSE: Duck!
HE PUSHES PRUE OVER AND THEN... COVERS HIS POCKETS WITH HIS HANDS?
JESSE: It's a Bounty Hunter.
PRUE: Shouldn't you be torching it right about now?
THE BOUNTY HUNTER STARTS SNIFFING ABOUT ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.
JESSE: Oh, no, they're quite harmless really.
THE BOUNTY HUNTER SCRAMBLES UP TO JESSE AND SNUFFLES AROUND AT HIS FEET, THEN STOPS, SMELLING SOMETHING. IT STARTS SNIFFING UP HIS LEG AND-
JESSE: Hey! Stay out of there!
WITH A SNARL OF JOY STROKE WEIRD TYPE OF ANGER, THE BOUNTY HUNTER STICKS HIS HAND IN JESSE'S POCKET AND PRODUCES A BOUNTY CHOCOLATE BAR, BEFORE SMIRKING AND BLINKING OUT.
JESSE: Damn!
PRUE: What the paige was that?
JESSE: A Bounty Hunter. And I was looking forward to that coconut beauty. Prue, quick, I need a fix. Do you have any chocolate on you? Coconut?
PRUE: Uh, sorry.
JESSE: I NEED MY BOUNTY!
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.
FHEOEBIE: Grahhhhhh!
PRUE: Well I need to save an innocent, so let's go.
PRUE ORBS OUT. PAUSE. AP APPEARS. (ALL HAIL OUR GREAT GOD AP!)
ASTRAL: And I'll get you a bounty once we're done.
FHEOBEIE: *folds arms* No. Want one now.
ASTRAL: *sighs*
CUT TO:
OFFICE BUILDING. PRUE AND JESSE ENTER. JESSE IS MUNCHING ON A BOUNTY. MAN I WANT A BOUNTY... REALLY I DO. *STARTS SNUFFLING ABOUT PEOPLE'S POCKETS* ANYWAYS. PRUE WALKS UP TO A RANDOM MAN AND TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL.
PRUE: Take that, bizatch!
JESSE: Fair enough.
PRUE TAKES OUT SOME MORE RANDOM MEN IN MUCH THE SAME MANNER AS JESSE LOOKS ON. PRUE BURSTS INTO A ROOM AND SEES FEE BAY TIED TO A CHAIR WITH A RANDOM DEMON GROWLING AT HER.
PRUE: Time to put the cat out.
JESSE: Go. Prue.
PRUE KILLS THE DEMON WITH HER BARE HANDS. YES. HER BARE. HANDS. WOW. WHAT A WOMAN. JESSE RANDOMLY TURNS INTO FHEOBIE.
FHEOBIE: AP dammit!
PRUE: What happened this time?
FHEOBIE: Gah! I don't know!
FEE: Can someone untie me?
PRUE STARES.
PRUE: Not in my job description.
SHE ORBS OUT. FHEOBIE LOOKS AT FEE, SHRUGS AND SHIMMERS OUT.
FEE: Feck.
CUT TO:
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION. PRUE AND FHEOBIE ORB/SHIMMER IN.
PRUE: *singing* Fheobie in his petticoat, Fhoebie in his gown...
FHOEBIE: SHUT UP!
FHEOBIE CLUTCHES AT HIS HEAD. ANYBODY ELSE THINK WE'VE GOT A SERIOUSLY DERANGED DEMON ON OUR HANDS HERE? SUDDENLY HE CALMS DOWN AND REVERTS INTO JESSE, HIS LUBBLY HUMAN FORM.
JESSE: Okay, this has been bothering me all episode. Have you changed your hair?
PRUE: Yes, actually. I got an inch taken off it and shaped my bangs.
KT(OS): Hehe 'bangs'.
JESSE: And you didn't tell me?!?
PRUE: Wha? It's just a haircut!
JESSE: 'What' has a 'T' on the end, bizatch, and I can't believe you kept it quiet! This is huge!
PRUE: But it's a-
JESSE: Very big deal! Prue! You got your hair cut! Do you have any idea what this means?
PRUE: Well no, actua-
JESSE: Silence! I need some time alone to sort my head out.
JESSE EXITS LEAVING PRUE STARING AFTER HIM, BAFFLED.
FADE TO:
BLACK.
VOICE OVER MAN: Wowo! Prue got a hair cut! It's incredible!
VOICE OVER WOMAN: I can't believe how much more serious and angsty Prue: Investigations is than Charmeded. Really this is heavy going. Sometimes it actually hurts to watch!
VOICE OVER MAN: I just don't know how KT's going to handle what the next couple of episodes are going to entail now, because everybody's going to be reeling after this one.
YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE REELING RIGHT. NOW.
