Chapter 4
Depression

The next day, I told both Tooya and Aya that I still had feelings for Aya. Nothing changed.

The fuck?! Suzumi said their relationship would end if I told! If Aya gets hurt.. I'll never forgive Tooya. I will protect Aya, even if it costs me my life.

Why can't Aya be mine? I would never do anything to hurt her. Tooya barely cares about her, yet he's with her... She'd be happier with me.. I'd do anything she wanted to make her happy. Doesn't Aya realize that?

The fuck am I gonna do now..? How else will I stop Tooya from hurting her?

...And... I've been pushing myself on her. I know it annoys her. Yet I can't resist hugging her, showing her that I love her. I've been hurting her as well. I have to stop myself... I just won't talk to her anymore. Then I won't be able to hurt her, either.

** ** **

I can't live like this. I see Aya, and want nothing but to be with her. But I know I can't, so I look away.

"Yuuhi-kun!" Chidori. "You've been looking upset lately."

Whatever. I'll make it through this. I just need a while to adjust to being without Aya. "I'll be fine."

"'K," she responded. Her smile faded. I hadn't been paying attention to what I was doing; Chidori and I had been walking away from everybody. It was just me and her, so she no longer needed her façade.

I thought for a minute. I'd been a little attracted to Chidori- even if it was mostly fake- and she made a comment about me being upset. Dammit... I wish I were dead...

Wait a sec... Why am I wishing I were dead? I thought I had recovered from my depression that I had had when I first moved to Tokyo. Ah well. I'll let it come back for a little while. It might be fun. My life has been boring lately anyway. Cooking hasn't been as fun as it should be, so maybe playing with my own emotions for a while will change things.

I wonder... I've been hurting Aya, and my attempt to help her failed. Maybe I am worthless. What does it matter if I'm a good cook? People enjoy my food, but it's all over in about fifteen minutes. I'm only good at what isn't important. Why can't I be good at making people happy.. Something that means something?

What should I do? I need advice.. Who to go to? I looked up. Mrs. Q had arrived to pick me up from school.

"Yuuhi! Hi!" she shouted as I climbed in the car.

"Hey, Mrs. Q. I.. I have a question."

"Yes?"

"I've got a secret, and I need somebody I can really trust to not tell and to give me advice."

"Don't look at me.. Hmm.. Chidori's good at that type of stuff."

"Yeah. You're right. Thanks, Q-san!"

When we arrived at home, I called Chidori. "Oi... Chidori. Can you keep a secret?"

"Yeah. But whyddya wanna tell me?" she asked coldly.

"Cause I gotta tell someone. And Mrs. Q thought you'd be a good person to tell."

"I'm not a good person to tell."

I remained silent.

She sighed. "I'm sick of everybody telling me stuff. Worrying about me, telling me that things are OK."

"Are they trying to force you to see a counselor or anything?" I asked.

"Nah, but.."

"I kinda feel like I have to tell you.."

"Don't."

"I... I want to kill myself. With all this Aya and Tooya shit.."

"You're crazy..."

"Well, it's not entirely them. It's just... I feel worthless about everything... I... I thought I had been able to handle depression."

"Maybe you just don't have experience with it."

"That's not it. I used to be depressed."

"Maybe you haven't been depressed long enough."

"Yeah. You're right." I hung up the phone. Yeah. I guess I'll just stick with it, and try to see what I need to beat it.