Chapter 7
Confession
"You say that lies are evil, yet you lie about your emotions all the time," I told her. Although Suzumi is stoic, she covers it up with fake smiles, fake tears, fake everything.
"It's not really a lie. It's just not showing the truth."
"No. You put up signs of emotion that are in contrary to how you really feel. It is not merely not telling."
Suzumi sighed. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But still, how will it hurt anyone?"
"What if somebody admires you for the happiness you pretend to have? He bases his life around trying to be as happy as you are. It works out great for them, but after a while, they learn that you're stoic. He's crushed that he's been living up to a fake idol, and is lost in life."
"I... I never thought about it that way."
Dammit. I've been lying to everyone. Pretending I'm happy. Pretending I haven't cut myself. I'm a mother-fucking liar!!!!! What if this fucks up other peoples' lives.. That I'm not telling them what I'm going through? I'm a fucking hypocritical liar. I've become depressed in my attempts to help people, but now I'm fucking lying to them.
I'm the worst person to ever live. I should just cleanse the world of me. I should just die. But how?
I would love to stab myself in the heart. But if I do that, then my death will not accomplish anything. How about if I go find somebody about to be run over by a car, and then leap in the way to defend them? They survive, and I die. Painfully.
Yet, the temptation to stab myself through the heart.. It seems so perfect. I can wear a white shirt, the blood staining it, turning it into a soggy dark red fabric.
"Whatever," I muttered to myself, letting out a deep sigh. Nobody else in this house can cook worth shit. I gotta stay alive and cook for them. Until I go to college. Then I die. Two more years. It'll be a shitty two years, awaiting my death, being in constant misery but never being able to end it. For two more years.
Well, two years is a long time to plan. I can be sure to have the perfect suicide with all that planning time. And I don't even have to think about it now. Hmmm, what was I thinking about before? Oh, right. How I'm a fucking liar.
I've been lying to Aya. Pretending I had a mere crush on her. I've gotta come out and tell her the truth.
I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. Shit. How am I going to tell her? Is she going to feel sorry for me and break up with Tooya? She'd better not. I can't let them break up just because of me. Well, I can explain that I'm happy for her and want her to stay with them. That'll work. And then I have to get her to believe me. To understand that I'm not just saying it for the hell of it. To understand that I'm truly in love with her. Hmm, I could just tell her that I know I'll love her forever, no matter what. That I could tell that it wasn't just a crush. And that I was telling her just because I felt that she should know.
** ** **
The next day at school, I did just that. And I finally ended with an, "I've fallen in love with you." Dammit, I immediately thought. I didn't want to say it like that! It would have been so much better if it had been a simple "I love you." Oh well. Not the end of the world.
"Oh... Well... That'll make things interesting," Aya said, after a period of silence. I could tell she didn't know what to say, and said that kind of to break the silence.
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
"Yeah." Aya paused, then walked up to Tooya and hugged him. Briefly. Then she walked off.
Wow. No other words could enter into my mind. Just wow.
But then I had to get back to class. Two more classes, then I would see Tooya.
"Tooya," I said.
He looked up at me. "So... What happened? It's weird... She was talking to you, then without saying anything, she hugged me. Then left."
He didn't understand it. That meant... She didn't hug him for him. She hugged him for me. To show me that she understood me. That she realized that even though I love her, I'd rather have her be happy than to have her be with me. That hug was all for me. It was almost as if she had hugged me, not Tooya. I smiled at the thought.
"Well?" Tooya asked.
"Oh," I stammered. "I told her, then she was like 'oh, that'll make things interesting,' then she hugged you and then it was over."
Wow. Aya knows I love her. And nothing's changed. Telling the truth... It's not so bad, after all.
Confession
"You say that lies are evil, yet you lie about your emotions all the time," I told her. Although Suzumi is stoic, she covers it up with fake smiles, fake tears, fake everything.
"It's not really a lie. It's just not showing the truth."
"No. You put up signs of emotion that are in contrary to how you really feel. It is not merely not telling."
Suzumi sighed. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But still, how will it hurt anyone?"
"What if somebody admires you for the happiness you pretend to have? He bases his life around trying to be as happy as you are. It works out great for them, but after a while, they learn that you're stoic. He's crushed that he's been living up to a fake idol, and is lost in life."
"I... I never thought about it that way."
Dammit. I've been lying to everyone. Pretending I'm happy. Pretending I haven't cut myself. I'm a mother-fucking liar!!!!! What if this fucks up other peoples' lives.. That I'm not telling them what I'm going through? I'm a fucking hypocritical liar. I've become depressed in my attempts to help people, but now I'm fucking lying to them.
I'm the worst person to ever live. I should just cleanse the world of me. I should just die. But how?
I would love to stab myself in the heart. But if I do that, then my death will not accomplish anything. How about if I go find somebody about to be run over by a car, and then leap in the way to defend them? They survive, and I die. Painfully.
Yet, the temptation to stab myself through the heart.. It seems so perfect. I can wear a white shirt, the blood staining it, turning it into a soggy dark red fabric.
"Whatever," I muttered to myself, letting out a deep sigh. Nobody else in this house can cook worth shit. I gotta stay alive and cook for them. Until I go to college. Then I die. Two more years. It'll be a shitty two years, awaiting my death, being in constant misery but never being able to end it. For two more years.
Well, two years is a long time to plan. I can be sure to have the perfect suicide with all that planning time. And I don't even have to think about it now. Hmmm, what was I thinking about before? Oh, right. How I'm a fucking liar.
I've been lying to Aya. Pretending I had a mere crush on her. I've gotta come out and tell her the truth.
I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. Shit. How am I going to tell her? Is she going to feel sorry for me and break up with Tooya? She'd better not. I can't let them break up just because of me. Well, I can explain that I'm happy for her and want her to stay with them. That'll work. And then I have to get her to believe me. To understand that I'm not just saying it for the hell of it. To understand that I'm truly in love with her. Hmm, I could just tell her that I know I'll love her forever, no matter what. That I could tell that it wasn't just a crush. And that I was telling her just because I felt that she should know.
** ** **
The next day at school, I did just that. And I finally ended with an, "I've fallen in love with you." Dammit, I immediately thought. I didn't want to say it like that! It would have been so much better if it had been a simple "I love you." Oh well. Not the end of the world.
"Oh... Well... That'll make things interesting," Aya said, after a period of silence. I could tell she didn't know what to say, and said that kind of to break the silence.
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
"Yeah." Aya paused, then walked up to Tooya and hugged him. Briefly. Then she walked off.
Wow. No other words could enter into my mind. Just wow.
But then I had to get back to class. Two more classes, then I would see Tooya.
"Tooya," I said.
He looked up at me. "So... What happened? It's weird... She was talking to you, then without saying anything, she hugged me. Then left."
He didn't understand it. That meant... She didn't hug him for him. She hugged him for me. To show me that she understood me. That she realized that even though I love her, I'd rather have her be happy than to have her be with me. That hug was all for me. It was almost as if she had hugged me, not Tooya. I smiled at the thought.
"Well?" Tooya asked.
"Oh," I stammered. "I told her, then she was like 'oh, that'll make things interesting,' then she hugged you and then it was over."
Wow. Aya knows I love her. And nothing's changed. Telling the truth... It's not so bad, after all.
