Chapter 9
Denied Feelings
I suddenly found myself thinking about Chidori. We had this interesting relationship: We were clearly just friends, hell, sometimes we hated each other, but no matter what, we could always trust each other about anything.
What would it be like if Chidori and I were more than friends? The thought enthralled me. Me and Chidori would work way better than me and Aya anyway. Hell, I'm hiding my depression from Aya because I know she'll freak or tell or something if she finds out. Yet I'm willing to tell Chidori all about it. How could me and Aya work when I don't even trust her? And she sure as hell doesn't trust me. Do I even love Aya at all?
...Wait a minute. Look at what my love for Aya has done to me. Dammit, if only I were at home where I had my new razors and could lock myself up in the bathroom to use them! Why do I have to be in this stupid school? Maybe I should take some razors with me? But what if the staff found them and then thought I was gonna hurt somebody with them? Well, technically, I would be hurting somebody with them. But somebody willing, even somebody who wants it! Dammit. Tonight I want to cut on my upper right thigh. Nice, even lines. Blood slowly dripping down my legs.
And I can just forget about that bitch Aya. I can forget about her entirely and move on to somebody I trust. Chidori.
I sighed, struggling to bear with not being able to cut through the rest of the day. Every minute, my thoughts lingered either on Chidori or the razor, and the anxiety only grew as more time without my desires continued on.
Finally I arrived at home, and literally ran into the bathroom, where I took off my pants and grabbed my razorblade from its hiding place. Quickly, I rubbed it against my leg. Once, twice, three times. The blood trickled out of the wounds, seeping to the sides of my legs. But it wasn't enough. I cut once more, then proceeded to wash the blood, being sure to press hard so that the friction would wipe the blood as well as worsen the wound.
My thoughts now cleared, I proceeded to tackle my problem involving Aya and Chidori. I don't want to love Aya. I want to leave her and Tooya to fuck up their own love life. Why should I butt in, getting blamed for their breakup and preventing Aya from learning her lesson, when it'll end soon enough anyway? I must focus myself on Chidori. Not only is she a better match for me, considering I can actually trust her, but she is also available. And if I like Chidori, then it'll be easier for me to just quit this shit going on in my head over Aya.
But would that be using Chidori to get over Aya? Shit. I picked up the phone, and dialed Chidori's number.
"Hello?" she asked tiredly.
"Chidori. This question is going to sound a little weird.."
Silence.
"Well, I kind of sort of like you. Would you really mind if I tried to like you more to get over Aya?"
"No."
"Really? Thanks!" I paused, then added, "You don't have to do anything anyway. You just have to allow me to like you."
"Okay. Bye." She hung up the phone. Dammit. Conversations with her were always like this. We always said what we needed to say, and then we didn't know what else to say. But who gives a shit, anyway? Since we actually trust and understand each other, we don't have to say everything. Some of it just comes, and if that impedes our conversations, so be it.
Denied Feelings
I suddenly found myself thinking about Chidori. We had this interesting relationship: We were clearly just friends, hell, sometimes we hated each other, but no matter what, we could always trust each other about anything.
What would it be like if Chidori and I were more than friends? The thought enthralled me. Me and Chidori would work way better than me and Aya anyway. Hell, I'm hiding my depression from Aya because I know she'll freak or tell or something if she finds out. Yet I'm willing to tell Chidori all about it. How could me and Aya work when I don't even trust her? And she sure as hell doesn't trust me. Do I even love Aya at all?
...Wait a minute. Look at what my love for Aya has done to me. Dammit, if only I were at home where I had my new razors and could lock myself up in the bathroom to use them! Why do I have to be in this stupid school? Maybe I should take some razors with me? But what if the staff found them and then thought I was gonna hurt somebody with them? Well, technically, I would be hurting somebody with them. But somebody willing, even somebody who wants it! Dammit. Tonight I want to cut on my upper right thigh. Nice, even lines. Blood slowly dripping down my legs.
And I can just forget about that bitch Aya. I can forget about her entirely and move on to somebody I trust. Chidori.
I sighed, struggling to bear with not being able to cut through the rest of the day. Every minute, my thoughts lingered either on Chidori or the razor, and the anxiety only grew as more time without my desires continued on.
Finally I arrived at home, and literally ran into the bathroom, where I took off my pants and grabbed my razorblade from its hiding place. Quickly, I rubbed it against my leg. Once, twice, three times. The blood trickled out of the wounds, seeping to the sides of my legs. But it wasn't enough. I cut once more, then proceeded to wash the blood, being sure to press hard so that the friction would wipe the blood as well as worsen the wound.
My thoughts now cleared, I proceeded to tackle my problem involving Aya and Chidori. I don't want to love Aya. I want to leave her and Tooya to fuck up their own love life. Why should I butt in, getting blamed for their breakup and preventing Aya from learning her lesson, when it'll end soon enough anyway? I must focus myself on Chidori. Not only is she a better match for me, considering I can actually trust her, but she is also available. And if I like Chidori, then it'll be easier for me to just quit this shit going on in my head over Aya.
But would that be using Chidori to get over Aya? Shit. I picked up the phone, and dialed Chidori's number.
"Hello?" she asked tiredly.
"Chidori. This question is going to sound a little weird.."
Silence.
"Well, I kind of sort of like you. Would you really mind if I tried to like you more to get over Aya?"
"No."
"Really? Thanks!" I paused, then added, "You don't have to do anything anyway. You just have to allow me to like you."
"Okay. Bye." She hung up the phone. Dammit. Conversations with her were always like this. We always said what we needed to say, and then we didn't know what else to say. But who gives a shit, anyway? Since we actually trust and understand each other, we don't have to say everything. Some of it just comes, and if that impedes our conversations, so be it.
