Author: Yarr! Thanks for the cookies! *munches on them* Eeek! I forgot to name the ship! It is now called 'The Dirty Pickle,' 'cause Gandalf loves his Pickle!!
~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas was cranky.
He had a rude awakening when the stupid Gimli decided to sit his overly-large posterior on the 'comfy looking pile 'o canvas,' which Legolas had been sleeping under.
"Yarr! No foul Cabin Boy 'o mine is be a-slackin' on this here vessel…swab the decks!"
Legolas blinked at Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard in disbelief. "I just scrubbed them yesterday!"
"Nay, 9th Mate Pickle here disagrees!" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard petted the parrot corpse affectionately. "An' I take Pickle's word over a Cabin Boy's any day! Yarr!"
'I shall plot my revenge against the parrot!' Legolas thought evilly as he was forced to scrub the decks yet again without any breakfast. 'Why me?' Legolas sniffed. 'A Prince of Mirkwood reduced to a lowly janitor!' His fingers had become saturated in the soap water again. "Eeeee! I'll be scarred for life!" He shrieked and ran around in circles, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"There be cabin fever aboard this ship!" Frodo the Stinger observed the shrieking elf cooly, while smoking his pipe.
"Arr!" Samwise The-Not-So-Very-Nice agreed.
"This looks like a job for Hobbits!" 2nd Mate Frodo stood up and called over 6th Mate Merry and 7th Mate Pippin.
"Ho Aye! This be a case fer Hobbits to cure!" They agreed, then they all advanced on the barely-sane elf.
Legolas stopped when he noticed the stealthy Hobbits fast approaching him with determined looks on their faces. "Not again!" He cried as they all lurched and piled on top of him, a Hobbit on each limb.
"Yarr! This'll put hair on yer chest an' feet!" Frodo pulled out a large bottle 'o rum from his coat pocket.
Legolas blanched. "Hair on my chest and feet? Eww!" Legolas struggled vainly as Frodo shoved the open bottle into his mouth.
With no other choice, Legolas chugged down the entire bottle. Immediately, Legolas' vision blurred and his world burst into rainbows. His blue eyes misted over as the alcohol took effect. He hiccupped.
"That be the ticket!" Merry growled approvingly. The Hobbits released Legolas.
"He'll be a good source 'o entertainment!" Frodo agreed as he watched the elf struggle to stand up.
"Yeeesh! I feel funny! *hic*" Legolas never was able to build up a resistance to alcohol and its effects. He swayed unsteadily and took in his surroundings. He spotted the Pirate Hobbits and burst out laughing.
"HA HA HA *hic* HA HA HA! You look funny! *hic*"
"Yarr! The rum be clogging his brain!" Pippin pulled out his ladle. "I's say this be a good time fer eatin' him!"
"Ho Aye!" Merry pulled out a spork and eyed the marinated elf.
"Nay!" Arrr-agorn boomed behind them.
"Aww! We's were only havin' a spot 'o fun 1st Mate!" Frodo pouted.
"Ooo! *hic* Aragorn!" Legolas stumbled and ungracefully fell on the 1st Mate, who caught him in his arms.
Legolas giggled and pulled the pirate hat off of Arrr-agorn's head and put it on. "Hee hee hee! *hic* Lookit me! I'm a pirate! Arr matey! *hic*"
"Arr! He be sloshed!" Arrr-agorn had caught a wiff of Legolas' bad breath. "It's to the stomach pump with ye!" He pulled the elf towards the named place, then Gandalf roared.
"All hands on deck! There be blighters fast approaching 'The Dirty Pickle!'" He cried and pointed towards the band of Urakai and orcs fast approaching the ship.
"They look good enough to eat!" Merry the Growler remarked, Pippin the Biter licked his chops in agreement.
"There be sharks to bite my limbs!" 8th Mate Boromir shrieked from below when he saw the sharp teeth on the orcs running towards him.
"Yarr! Ye be too sloshed to fight!" Arrr-agorn noted the intoxicated elf. "Ye be safe in the crow's nest!" Arrr-agorn shoved the elf up the mast.
"But I don't *hic* wanna!" Legolas whined and clung to the mast like a koala.
"C'mon me buckos! I'll skin yer alive!" Arrr-agorn brandished his sword menacingly as the Urakai and orcs clambered over into the ship.
"Yarr Pickle! 'Tis a fine day for decapitatin'!" Captain Graybead/Whitebeard cried gleefully as he hacked away at the orcs with his sword.
"Aye me beauties! Come taste me steel!" 5th Mate Gimli the Ugly swung his ax around happily. The Hobbits were having a jolly good time, especially Merry and Pippin who were clinging to the orcs like piranhas, chewing them alive.
"Gwaar!" An Urakai stuck his ugly mug in front of Legolas' face.
"Ahh!" Legolas punched the Urakai in the face, and fell off the mast onto Arrr-agorn.
"Shave my stubble! Ye be wantin' some 'o the action after all! " Arrr-agorn laughed and pulled the unsteady elf up.
"Yarr! Here be my cannon!" Gandalf pointed his staff at the remaining group of orcs and Urakai. *KABOOOM!!!* The orcs and Urakai were blasted away into tiny bits all over the ship.
"Tis a good fight, but no booty to be had!" Gandalf sulked.
"Aye, but they taste mighty fine!" Merry exclaimed, gnawing on an orc knee.
"Ho aye! There will be a feast tonight!" Gimli agreed, he was covered in orc gore.
Legolas peered closely at a dead Urakai's armor, and blinked slowly at the white hand print he saw. "Isn't that Saruman's mark?" He asked slowly.
"Who now?" Captain Graybeard/Whitebeard asked.
"Saruman the *hic* White." Legolas slurred and wobbled unsteadily.
"Arr! Does he have a white beard?" Gandalf eyed the elf suspiciously with his one eye.
Legolas thought long and hard. "Yeees he does! *hic*"
"Then it is settled!" Gandalf turned to his crew, his eye a-gleaming. "There can be only ONE Captain Whitebeard to sail the seven seas!"
"I thought ye wanted to be Graybeard!" Frodo was puzzled.
"Yarr! I changed me mind! I be Captain Whitebeard from now on! Our plunderin' o' Rivendell can wait, we set sail to track down that scurvy dog Sarumon!"
"Yarr!" The Fellowship Pirates cheered.
"Hoist anchor!" Captain Whitebeard commanded.
"Aye Aye Cap'n!" Gimli and Arrr-agorn grunted and pulled up the mangled orc-bitten Boromir up to the decks. "Yarr! I reckon he be dead!" Gimli prodded Boromir with his boot.
"I'm not dead yet!" Boromir The-Not-Quite-So-Dead-Yet moaned, still clutching the rope end.
Legolas' foggy mind finally registered what Gandalf had said. "We're going to Isengard?!?!" He shrieked in a scared way, then passed out.
"Yarr! Now there be a fellow who can't hold his rum!" Arrr-agorn scooped up the unconscious elf. "It's to the stomach pump with ye! Hoo Aye!" He then dragged Legolas below decks.
~~~~~~~~~
Author: Yarr me buckos! There be traditional pirate hangover cures in the next chapter! Please R/R!
