Disclaimer: Yeah, these Japanese meanies stole MY concept! Four times! Suuuuure, folks.
Well, now he sure understood why she was so nervous. That was one hell of an information. He sat down again in a desperate attempt to process all this. Sure, it was kind of hard for him to get all this. All the interacting, all the secrets they discovered, all the closeness and tension that so suddenly came up between them. But you had to see, he had known since seven years exactly what kind of feelings he had for her.

For her it was so much harder... she was practically forced to kiss him, and he still didn't know her exact reaction. Of course, outside she reacted just like every normal teen did. She had hormones and needs, and her body wanted them to be satisfied.

But he really had no clue if she got any emotional pleasure out of it. And he felt himself wanting her to more every passing day, because he sure as hell did. And he couldn't help thinking that if she did not, he was abusing her. Sure, as said before she did it all more or less willingly, but he often assumed that she did it only to save her friend, and a heavy emphasis on the word friend, and help him live as long as possible. It was completely unclear if she would have chosen to act like this if she didn't have to, or if she would still act like this if she wasn't anymore. And every time this thoughts invaded his mind, he realized with a short but destructive pang that his heart sure not believed what he tried talking himself into believing. And the only conclusion he could draw out of this was that if she didn't love him, he would never want her to sleep with him. As much as his body and heart ached for it, his mind and heart would never take one of the most precious gifts a young woman could give just out of pity or friendship. It was too precious to be wasted. SHE was too precious.

He sighed deeply, just now realizing how much his honesty and his measures of value destructively and effectively worked against himself.
She was so confused.

The only clear thought Ruki could make out in her mind right now was that she practically had none. Sure, she had feelings for Ryo. And they were far from nothing. But she recalled fearing for the lives of all her friends, also the male ones. And they were nothing but friends. And they knew they were. But Ruki had the indefinite and inexplicable idea that Ryo wanted to be more than that, that he wanted her to be in his life not as a makeshift to keep him from going down but as his... love.

The thought made Ruki shudder.

Ryo was a wonderful man, kind, soft and caring, but if she really gave him access to her heart and mind, he would carry one of the most destructive weapons against her sanity with him. She had made the mistake of loving someone only once. And that someone had carelessly left her behind, leaving her soul to deal with the wounds itself. She knew she was hypersensitive and overcautious, that Ryo was probably the last person that ever wanted to hurt her. But if she really opened herself to him, she would be vulnerable. Something completely normal, but she hated the thought.

Having been in battle for so long, both against outside enemies and her own self, she detested even thinking of it. She also knew that it was selfish not to care about his feelings, but she was sure if she told him she loved him even though she did not, he would never forgive her.

That was basically the problem's location. She didn't KNOW if she loved him or not. And if she tried to find out, she would most likely be hurt.

Hugging her legs tightly to her chest, she tried desperately to find something else to think about. And found it very frightening that she could not seem to do so.
It took several days to get the minds of certain people fixed. Ryo decided he would just wait and let Ruki do the first move, and Ruki decided to just get his healing over with, and afterwards race back into her hard, thick shell.

And so she found herself on the doorstep of his newly rented apartment in the middle of the evening. She had had to leave her room through the window to not wake her mother up. Her arm was so much heavier than it used to be... she needed several attempts to get it high enough to reach the door bell.

Inhaling deeply, she told herself that it was too late to turn and run. She would go through with it. She pushed the small button and a few moments later, the door swung open, revealing a totally sleepy and half-naked Ryo.

"Wha- Oh, shit, sorry, Ruki, I'm gonna go put something on."

The sight of him just in his black drawstring pants seemed to encourage her wavering mind, so she didn't respond. She simply walked in and grabbed him before he could leave the room. He turned to her with a confused expression.

"What's up?"

She licked her lips in a nervous gesture and walked up to him. A suspicious frown marring his handsome features, he stared down at her. And it was obvious that he didn't expect her to lift on her toes and place a kiss on his mouth, so he stumbled back, the frown turning into a look of intense shock.

"Wait, what are you-"

But his reply was abruptly cut off by her almost aggressive kiss. And even though every part of his mind screamed at him to stop, he found himself kissing back just as aggressive, not really realizing what happened, what she was doing to him. As their kisses grew even more intense, Ruki backed into the wall for support and mentally braced herself for the oncoming events. Then her hands went from his neck to the waistband of his pants, tucking at them with a hesitance that totally contradicted her other actions.

Which was what snapped the young man back to reality, made him realize that she didn't really want to do this. He pushed her hands of and took a step back. While he was trying to compose his breathing and himself, he brought as much distance between him and his love as possible.

"Just a moment here, okay? I know what you're trying to get us into."

And you have no idea how much I want to comply.

"But I have one important question. If we both are comfortable with your answer, go ahead and do to me whatever you want."

She found herself squirming under his scrutinizing gaze because she knew his question. But she realized she didn't know her answer as she felt the by now almost familiar sting in her eyes.

°Look what he does to me! Ice queen Ruki gets all teary! Why is it that my composure is always at a minimum around him?°

That exactly was what she had wanted to avoid; this question would ruin everything.

"Do you love me?"

She failed to choke back her sob and Ryo could see the small trails on her cheeks glow in the moonlight from his window. Why did she have to be so damn beautiful, even when she was crying?

"I...I..."

He sighed to get the damn stinging in his heart to stop. Of course. Why had he even bothered?

"Alright, that's enough of an answer."

He walked over to the door, opened it and said quietly, but firmly:

"Out."

Their eyes locked for a brief moment and Ruki knew that pleading wouldn't help. She didn't understand this. Didn't he want her? Didn't he... love her? Why was it so important to him that she loved him back? And why did her whole damn chest ache so much?

She gritted her teeth and looked at him, feeling a thick wall of anger building up inside of her.

"You want me to go? Fine, just don't expect me to be there for you when you need my help again!"

And she spun on her heel and stormed out, almost tripping down the stairs. She ran and ran and ran, until she miraculously arrived in front of her house. And as she flopped down on her bed, all anger fled her mind and all that was left was sadness. Bitter, regretful sadness. She had never cried so much in one night.
An annoying peeping sound slammed into her mind, awaking her with a start. Damn phone! She wasn't in the mood to talk right now. And even less if this was Mr. Legendary Tamer. She flipped her pillow over her head, but the ringing wouldn't stop. Furious, she picked up the receiver.

"WHAT?!"

"Ruki? It's Jen. I've been trying to get you the past hour. Listen, you have to come to the hospital right now."

"What? Why?"

She felt her stomach clench tightly as the boy spoke again.

"It's Ryo. He broke down last night and nobody knows why. His neighbour found him lying on the floor this morning, his door was wide open."

She gasped. That meant it had happened right after she left. She almost started crying again. She should have stayed, should have helped him! And then, another, way more painful thought hit her. What if it was HER fault? What if he had had a breakdown because of her?

"Where is he?" Her voice was merely a high pitched whisper.

"At Shinjuku Hospital. He's in some sort of coma right now. Do you want to come and see him?"

But all his last sentence reached was a dead line, since Ruki had already slammed her end down and quickly got dressed.
Juri sat next to Ryo, talking to him and hoping for some sign. He wasn't completely comatose, he tossed and turned sometimes, but whatever they tried, he wouldn't wake up. He was even hallucinating at times, so they had agreed to take several shifts watching over him.

The door burst open to reveal Ruki, looking like she had had a really though night. Her hair was dishevelled and her eyes were red and puff and had bags underneath. She looked around, saw him and flopped down on a chair, obviously trying hard to keep the tears at bay. It took her almost a minute to realize that Juri was right next to her, looking at her with concern and worry. She instantly wiped her eyes and managed something that held a weak resemblance to her usual, stoic expression. But the other girl just looked at her, warmth and understanding in her bright brown eyes.

"I know."

The statement floated in the air, as vague as the clouds passing over the blue sky as Ruki pondered what she'd meant.

Blue... his eyes were blue...and clouded when he was thinking. It looked so cute and it resembled nothing like the picture laid before her right now. He looked so pale, so pained, so...lifeless. There was no sign of the energy that usually radiated from him. She felt herself being transported seven years back. He had looked like this.

°Oh no, please! Whoever you are, I'm so sorry I yelled at you back there, please don't take him away from me!°

"Juri...could you leave? Just a few minutes?" The redhead sounded just as weak and guilty as she felt.

"Sure. Take care of him." Juri touched her arm lightly and smiled at her.

°Oh, I try to, you don't know how much I try to. But I feel myself being torn between loving him and fearing him, and all I do is hurt him.°

The brown haired girl left the room and Ruki turned to Ryo's unnaturally pale complexion again. There was nothing indicating that he was alive, just the beeping sound of the machine registering his heartbeat, unsteady and too fast, and his frown. She pulled a chair up to his bedside and took a breath.

"Okay, I don't know if you hear me, so I'm just gonna babble and humiliate myself as much as I deserve to. Alright, do you know what was the first thing I thought of? After Soulmon told me what we, what *I* had to do? I thought: No, I can't let him, he's already too close. I didn't think, no, I don't want to or he's not right for me. All I thought was that you'd have too much power over me, that you already *had* too much. I didn't want anyone to be able to touch me like you do, I never did. See what I mean? Just look at me. Would I sit next to anyone else, talking about my *feelings*? I don't think so. And there's times I really want to rip your throat for making me unable to analyse my own mind. God, I'm so confused. That's why I didn't say I loved you. I simply don't know, and I didn't want to lie. Sometimes I think I love you for self explanatory reasons. Sometimes I think I hate you, for making me so confused and vulnerable. Sometimes I think I'm scared of you for having such access to my heart and mind, for having more power over me than I myself do. And in times like these I just don't have no clue. But hell, I sure know that you're the only thing in this universe that comes even close to provoke such feelings in me. And most of the time I like them. The feelings I mean. So... I think you should wake up and then we just try it. I mean I don't know what this love thing is all about, but I... I really hope I'll let you show me."

She looked down at him, but he showed no reaction. She lifted her hand and absently traced her fingers along his square jaw.

"You know, this is the part of the movie where you miraculously wake up and we confess our love for each other, then we kiss and go home. Your insertion?"

But there was no movement in his pale features, no eye fluttering à la 'Oh, her speech is over and I'm all healed again!'. She gulped as her eyes started burning again. Being quite helpless, she bent down and kissed him in a desperate attempt to make him wake up. But seemingly with her dismissal last night, her fluids had lost their powers. Or he simply didn't want her to wake him. She closed her eyes to keep the forming droplets from falling and laid her head down on his chest.

She stayed like this for a while until she realized that it was almost... quiet. Her eyes flew wide open as her head shot up, eyeing the machine that measured his heartbeat. She had almost adjusted to the constant beeping but now she realized that it had grown faint. It was still there, but it was faint and it came slower. She jolted up and reached for the bell thing to alarm the nurses. A few moments later one came rushing in and asked what was wrong.

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?! He's dying, that's wrong! Now do something!"

The nurse checked him furiously, trying to find the problem while Ruki began the trapped tiger pacing thing. Some moments later the others ran in and looked at her.

"What happened?"

"How would I know, goddammit?!"

Kazu gave her a bewildered face.

"Why are you so worked up, girl? You didn't even talk to him most of your life!"

But before Ruki could yell at him, Suzie fixed him with a stern, warning glare.

"Just shut up, Kazu. Believe me, you don't understand this."

He looked offended, but shut his mouth. Juri stepped up to the other girl.

"Come on, Ruki, stop. You aren't helping him by yelling at you friends."

The young woman looked at her, nodded and mumbled a "Sorry", but kept pacing. Until Juri couldn't watch her anymore and gently pushed her down onto one of the chairs.

"Stop it now, Ruki. Listen, the machine's beeping normally again. He's gonna be okay."

Ruki's eyes watered again.

"Hell, no, he isn't. He's had these stomach achings for quite some time now, after some damn arrow hit him. But we can't help it anymore. We-"

"Anymore? What did you do before?"

She gave off the perfect 'dear in headlights' look, then answered hesitantly:

"We... we kissed."

"You WHAT?!"

"Shut up, Takato!"

"So, every time his stomach hurt, you kissed, and it was fine again? Like... back in the cinema?" Again a nod. Jenrya frowned in thought. How was this possible?

Ruki looked over to the bed again. Everything was alright again, considering the circumstances of course. She stood up, walked over and on its own her hand settled on his cheek again. She sniffed quietly and gave him a small kiss. Then she turned to her friends.

"I... I can't stay here. Not when he's so... so not him. I gotta go." She wiped the back of her hand over her eyes and exited the room in a hurry.

Takato sighed.

"Man, that girl's had it. She's in love with him. Really, badly, Hollywood- like in love with him."

While Kazu still showed a blank face like he had since the kiss confession, the others turned to stare at him incredulously.

"What?! I'm dumb, okay, but I'm not *that* dense. Kazu obviously is, though."

"HEY!"

"Come on, darling, you know he's right."

Kazu pouted.

"That is SO not true!"

But the grins showed him that his friends all thought otherwise.
Ruki found herself brought back to the state she'd been in when Ryo died. She rarely ate or talked, just kept to herself and her guilt. What had she done? It was her fault all over again. She'd maddened him. She'd hurt him. If he died, it was her fault again. And this time, it'd really be her death, too. He was a part of her, she couldn't lose him. She knew she couldn't go on without him. But she also knew she didn't want to die. What she wanted was that he would be okay again, so they could try and love each other like they wanted to. But it didn't look good.

She'd been in the hospital a couple of times, and he was like dead, but breathing. And every time she had promised herself not to go there anymore because she couldn't stand the sight of him looking like a living corpse. And yet she found herself preparing for another of her visits on a cloudy morning.

She entered the station and gave the nurse a slight nod. The woman already knew her and her friends. She seemed to try to say something, but Ruki just continued on, really not in the mood to talk.

She opened the door and stepped in, quietly closing it again. But when she looked at the bed, her only thought was to open the window and jump.

He wasn't there.

His bed was neatly made and there was no sign of anyone sleeping in it. As much as her rational mind tried to make her believe that maybe he had just been transferred to another bed, but all she could register was that he was gone. He was gone.

She slid down the wall and started crying. NO! This couldn't be true! But her inner voice was like a broken record, only repeating one word over and over: murderer. She was a murderer. She had killed someone twice, not to mention he was the most important person in her life. She didn't even realize the door opened until she saw the nurse bending down over her, concern etched across her features.

"Oh, what's wrong, sweetie?"

She couldn't manage to choke back her sobs to bring out a proper sentence, so she just pointed to the empty bed.

She didn't catch the apologetic smile the older woman gave her, but she heard her words:

"Oh, don't cry, sweetie! He's fine. He left yesterday. Didn't they tell you?"

Her head snapped up and the crying died down instantly. She shook her head.

"He's your boyfriend, huh?"

Ruki frowned. He wanted to be, she *sometimes* wanted him to be, but *was* he her boyfriend?

"More or less." The nurse chuckled.

"Go get him, darling."

Ruki wiped her eyes and stood up.

"Alright. Thanks."

"Don't mention it, sweetie." She nodded and left with a smile, but as soon as she had exited the building, her expression submerged to one of intense anger.
Ryo sat in his armchair and stared at a photo. It was of him and Ruki, they'd taken it some time ago when the crew had gone ice skating. Ruki had a flushed face and she seemed pretty happy, her eyes twinkling and her smile wide. He sighed deeply and frowned.

He'd struggled with himself the whole time since he'd left the hospital. His first reaction was to get into his car and drive to Ruki, but he realized that they hadn't really parted on friendly terms. And so he had turned and headed for his home instead. Now, to visit her or not to visit her, that was the question.

The doorbell pulled him from his thoughts. He stood up and went to the funny little answering thing.

"Hello, what can I-"

"OPEN THE DOOR, DAMN BASTARD!!"

Oh, it was Ruki. He gulped as the guilt surged through him. She'd been worried and he had left her hanging. Bad boy.

He swung the door open and she stalked right in without giving him as much as an acknowledging gaze.

"Uh... hey, Ruki. What's up?"

She whipped around and fixed him with a very angry glare.

"WHAT'S UP?! I tell you what's up! I was close to jumping out of that damn hospital window, THAT'S up!"

Ouch. Yep, *really* bad boy.

"Sorry! Really, I wanted to-"

"I don't care! For once and for all I'm telling you: Don't you dare get your ass into my view again, am I making myself clear?"

"But, Ruki, please-"

"No, Ruki's just gonna open this door and storm out of your pathetic life, alright?"

He felt his own temper rising at her heated words and couldn't help yelling:

"AGAIN?"

Her expression went from angry to hurt at once.

Once again: ouch.

"YOU were the one who rejected ME, remember?!"

"Because you don't love me! Do you realize what you would have wasted?"

"Oh, sorry, Master Of All Knowledge, I'm afraid I do NOT!"

"Your virginity! That's something special, dumb ass!"

She looked like she'd start crying every second.

Oh, god, please don't make her cry. I can't take her crying.

"And I was willing to give it to YOU! You hear me? WILLING!"

"No, you were not! You accepted it as the only solution!"

"Oh, don't make me hit you with this chair, damn ass!"

"Oh, come on, Ruki! I don't want your pity, I don't want you smart ass comments, I don't want your 'Oh, I care for you, but I'm sooo scared' act! I really don't want one piece of them!"

"So? I remember a time where you very willingly accepted my 'pity'! And alright, let's say I believe for one second. If you don't want my pity and you don't want my 'smart ass comments' which I personally like to call *concern*, you don't want my 'acting', called *current feelings*, then what the hell DO you want?"

She sniffed but held her tears in control, forcing her damn body to obey to her mind at least *once* when he was around.

His first reflex was of course to tell her the truth, that he wanted *her*. But figured that this wasn't quite the right time to confess his love. First he had to make her see him as human again.

"Please, Ruki, I just didn't want you to hate me once you realized what we- what *I* had done. I did it for you?"

"And what in HELL makes you think you can make my decisions?! *I* decide what I do, are we clear?"

"Yeah, I know, I just didn't want to sleep with you like-"

Her tears became more and more persistent and she felt her chest sting like only he could bring it to.

"See, that's all I wanted to hear! You didn't want to! You could have just confessed it!" She turned for the doorknob.

"No!"

She felt his right arm reach over her shoulder and slam the door closed again. He stood directly behind her, and Ruki found herself dangerously close to leaning into him. But there was no need to. His arms wrapped around her and her struggle was revived again. She turned in his arms and faced him with angry frown. Her small fists connected with his chest at an incredible speed, but she didn't realize that she did no harm as she cried out:

"Let me GO!"

His expression came to be almost as angry as hers as he yelled back:

"In HELL I will!"

"Really?! I can TAKE YOU THERE IF YOU WANT!"

She struggled more violently, completely ignoring that she was fighting a losing battle.

"RUKI! Calm DOWN!"

"Why should I?"

"You'll hurt yourself!"

"Don't give me that shit, as if YOU cared!"

He caught her fists and held them above her head as he pinned her to the door.

"I DO care, goddammit! I-"

His expression softened considerably and she looked up into his eyes. God, she was so beautiful, frowning deeply and glaring daggers at him with her wet eyes. His voice was a hoarse whisper, almost hoping she couldn't hear it and reject him:

"I love you."

There, he'd said it. Now he was hers. If she wanted him that is.

Her eyes went wide and she pressed her mouth shut to avoid the sob threatening to emerge, but her tears fell nonetheless. Her voice was quiet and unnaturally high as she asked:

"You do?"

He just gave her a nod, unable to repeat them. Not if he wasn't sure what she felt. She sniffed.

"God, Ryo. I don't know if I love you."

Ah, yes, there they were again. He was getting chest aches a lot more often than stomach aches these times. And all because of her. He nodded, not realizing his hurt expression.

"It's okay, I understand." He was about to release her when she wrapped her arms around his neck and responded with a teary, desperate voice:

"No, you don't. I could tell you if I loved you if I knew what love *is* in the first place! How would I know, I never experienced it and I have always tried not to think about it. But honestly, if what I feel for you *isn't* love, then what is?"

His thumb was acting on its own again, wiping the tears off her cheek as she talked on.

"I feel for you. Very strongly. That's all I can tell you for now I'm afraid."

He smiled.

"But it's enough."

"Hey, this is the part of the movie where we're supposed to kiss, huh? After the confession?"

She smiled, nodded and stood on her toes as he bent down. Sure, they had done this many times, but with the knowledge of the other's love, as cliché as it may sound, the kiss tasted so much sweeter, so much more real. It wasn't stolen anymore, it was out of free will. It was their first kiss as lovers, not friends, and it felt so good.
A/N: Yep, that's it for now. Don't worry, there's still one or two chappies, but it *will* end soon. Wah. I kinda like writing this (again), but I think everything should have its proper end. Well, but again I say, left, review, SUBMIT! I'll be haaappy, really.