Same disclaimer, I still own nothing, don't sue me.

Okay people, I'm really sorry this took so long, but network issues, homework, exams, classes, and writer's block got the best of me, but here it is part five.  Thanks for you continued readership and enjoy.

When The Darkness Turns To Light: Darkness

By: PrepSatan

            Sara had been kind of glad when Grissom and Catherine left, not that she wasn't happy to see them, just she could think now that they were gone.  Catherine hadn't known that she was still awake when she told Grissom about the medication.  Sara had a hard time not jumping up and yelling at Catherine for finding out her secret and for telling Grissom, who was the last person in the world that she wanted to know about this, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway she would just have to deal with the aftermath later.  The next morning her doctor had made Sara go upstairs to talk to the hospital psychiatrist, she hated shrinks, especially this one.  There was just something about him that she didn't like.  Maybe it was the way he dressed, too formal, or maybe it was the way he tried to force Sara to talk about things she didn't want to talk about it.  It didn't really matter what it was because five minutes after she got there Sara left and signed herself out A.M.A.  The shrink had given her a prescription for a different drug, buspirone hydrochloride; she got it filled and went to call a cab.  The cabbie had been nice enough, he helped her into the cab and tried to engage her in polite conversation but she didn't really want to talk.  He gave up but was still nice enough to wait and make sure she got in her front door ok before he left.  Sara walked into her apartment happy to be home early.  She knew that Grissom thought that she was still at the hospital and she wouldn't have to deal with his questions until tomorrow.  She took the first dose of her new medication and sat on the couch to read.  About an hour later she realized that her meds must have kicked in, or at the very least the side effects did.  Her hands had suddenly begun to shake and her mouth was as dry as the desert outside.  Sara stood up to get a glass of water, but sagged back to couch as wave after wave of dizziness and nausea washed over her.  Her mind quickly went to the package of Gravol that she knew she had in her bathroom.  'All I need to do is get as far as the bathroom.' Sara thought to herself.  She got up slowly and made her way to the bathroom. "Shit! Where the hell is it?" Sara almost cried when it wasn't here she had thought it was.  'Stupid drugs make me all sick and emotional.'  Sara thought bitterly to herself.  Suddenly she remembered that the Gravol was in her nightstand.  She smiled briefly, grabbed a glass of water and left the bathroom.  She got about three steps before doubling back and grabbing her trash can. 'Just in case.' She thought.  She downed two Gravol with the smallest amount of water possible and changed into her pyjamas as fast as she could.  She then lay down and waiting for sweet relief of sleep to over take her. 

Sara was the only thing on Grissom's mind as he numbly went through the motions of his day.  Every spare minute he had he spent in front of his laptop researching anxiety disorders.  He didn't know very much about them and he certainly hadn't known there was more than one kind.  There was generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic and agoraphobia, specific phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, social phobia/social anxiety disorder.  He would have never put most of those things under the category of anxiety disorders but apparently he was wrong.  He had no idea what kind of disorder Sara had.  He read all of the symptoms of all of them and decided that Sara most likely had a social anxiety disorder.  Sara had always avoided large groups and tended to keep to herself, but Grissom had always just thought that she was a private person and not very social, like him.  He thought back to the seminar he did at Harvard, when he first met her.  He had seen her walking before the lecture; she was alone, eyes scanning to find the path with the least people.  She had sat at the front of the lecture hall, he had thought it was because she was eager but some of the research he read said that sometimes students with social anxiety sit at the front because it helps them relax when they can't see the other students.  She had been the first one in the room and the last one to leave, remaining seated until the room was completely empty.  She had walked out with him asking questions, he had noticed that as soon as they turned down the main hall her breathing got shallow, he hadn't thought much of it then, but everything was piecing together now.  She was terrified of groups.  Grissom had always thought that he knew Sara but apparently he was wrong.  And while he could kind of understand why she hadn't told anyone, it wasn't relevant after all, it didn't affect her work, but he couldn't help but feel a little bit betrayed.  He sighed and looked at the clock for the fifth time in as many minutes; there was still two hours on the shift.  Two hours until he could go and see her again.  Grissom was glad he didn't have today off because he would have spent the whole day at the hospital with Sara and she wouldn't have hated him by the end of it.  He smiled at the thought and went back to researching.  The shift eventually ended and Grissom raced to see Sara, he all but ran to the room and was stunned to be greeting with an empty bed.  He resisted the urge to panic. 'Calm down Gil,' he thought 'she's probably just upstairs with the doc.' He took a deep breath and went over to the nurse's station.  He smiled at the nurse and politely asked if she knew where Sara had gone.  The nurse looked in her log book and then at Grissom.  "What did you say her name was?" 

"Sara Sidle, that's S-I-D-L-E."  The nurse looked again and shook her head.

"She signed out yesterday evening, A.M.A., sorry." 

"Thank you."

Grissom walked back to his car, he could believe she was being this stupid, well he kind of could, she hates hospitals as much as the next guy, but he had always thought her smarter than that.  Two days ago she almost died and now she was at home by herself, probably with new meds and who knew what kind of trouble they could be causing her.  As he reached his car he pulled out his phone and dialled her number, he waited but there was no answer.  He slammed his foot on the gas and broke almost every traffic law there was getting to her place, but he got there in record time.  He was still fuming when he got there, never in all the time he had known her had he been this mad.  The only thing that stopped him from yelling the second her opened the door was the fact she might be sleeping, and didn't want to wake her.  He stalked through her apartment half hoping that he would find her awake so that he could yell at her.  He stormed into the bedroom where he found her, sprawled face-up in the centre of the bed, covered only by a thin sheet, fast asleep.  His heart melted when he looked around and saw the trash can, the Gravol, and how pale she looked.  'Poor girl.' He thought 'this must be so hard for her.' He reached out and brushed a stray clump of hair off her forehead, he noticed that she felt a little cold so he pulled another lightweight blanket half way up before wandering out to the living room to watch the news. 

Sara awoke a few hours later feeling a lot better but still not perfect.  She vaguely wondered when she had pulled up the other blanket, but shrugged it off and got up, and wandered towards the shower.

Grissom heard some movement in Sara's room and went to make sure that she was alright.

Sara opened her bedroom door and was stunned to see Grissom standing on the other side of it.  "Gil what the hell are you doing here?  What do you want?"  She asked shortly.

Grissom was taken aback by the anger that flashed through her eyes as she yelled at him.

"I don't want anything, I was just checking to make sure that you were alright."

"I'm a big girl Grissom I can take care of myself."

"I know, but when I stopped by the hospital to see you, you weren't there.  They said you signed out A.M.A.?  What the hell were you thinking?"  Grissom was yelling now.

"I was thinking that I've been dealing with this alone for long enough and I can still do it alone!"

"Dealing with what Sara, why won't you let me in?  Why won't you let me help you?" 

"Because this is none of your damn business, I'll be back tomorrow, now get the hell out."  She pushed him out the door and threw the deadbolt on. 

On the other side of the door Grissom was standing in stunned silence, all he had done was show concern about her well being, couldn't she see that he was trying his best to show her how much he cared for her.  How much he loved her, and needed her.  He shook his head and walked away.

She was still seething as she got in the shower.  She stood letting the hot water cascade over her.  She had never been so mad at Grissom.  She couldn't believe that he would have the nerve to just show up unannounced, uninvited and pry into her life like that.  She got out of the shower, changed into her favourite flannel pyjamas, made herself a cup of apple tea, and sat down to read her latest forensic journal. 

Grissom headed over to Catherine's place to seek guidance as he tended to do when he was having issues with something, especially when the something was Sara. 

Catherine was rummaging through her fridge looking for something that looked even remotely edible.  'I really need to go shopping' she thought as she grabbed some eggs, the only thing she had deemed to be safe.  She found a bowl and was just cracking them when the doorbell rang.  'Who is that?'  Catherine wondered as she opened it.  She wasn't, however, that surprised when it was Grissom on the other side.  She smiled and opened the door to let him in.  "How's Sara? Are you picking her up tomorrow?" she asked. 

"She's having some side effects with the new meds but they're mild, no I'm not picking her up tomorrow as she signed out A.M.A. and is already at home, and to top it all off she hates me for some reason."

"She what?" 

 "Hates me, I have no idea what I did but she hates me."

"Ok, wait a minute, just back up.  What happened when you went to see her?"

"Well first I went to the hospital, she wasn't there.  I went over to her place, and she was sleeping, so I sat and watched the news.  When she woke up I went to make sure she was ok, but when she opened the door she yelled at me that I had no right to be there and I should mind my own damn business."

"Wow, hey you want an egg and some toast?"

"Umm, sure."

"What happened after that?"

"Well she yelled some more and the shoved me out the door."

"Weird."

"I know and I only went over there to make sure she was ok, I don't understand what I did wrong, I was just trying to show her that I care.  I don't know what to do Cath; she's never been like this before."

"Maybe there isn't anything you can do, I mean she made it this far alone, maybe you should just leave her be.  I'm sure that if she wants your help she'll ask for it.  But for now just leave her alone."

"I guess you're right, but I just feel so useless."  Grissom ate his breakfast and went home to get some sleep.

Back at her apartment Sara was sitting on her bed crying. When she had stopped being mad the gravity of what she had just done hit her.  She had pushed away the only man she had ever really cared about.  The only man that made her feel safe and wanted, and loved.  Since she had first been diagnosed when she was a teenager she had dealt alone, afraid to let anyone in to her world, afraid to show them what it was like for her, afraid to ask for help.  Grissom made her feel like she could tell him anything and he would still be there for her, she could tell him how she felt around people, why she spent her nights alone with her scanner and her computer and why she was like this.  And now she had pushed him away and she was afraid that he might never come back.  So alone again Sara Sidle sat and cried and wished for the first time that she was normal.

Oh the angst, the horrible horrible angst.  Chapter 6 sooner than this one I swear.