Lost in the Smoke

Chapter 3

(Disclaimer in part 1)

            It was dark when Buffy finally made it back to her house. She had gone to everywhere she could think of, hoping against hope that someone had seen Spike since the explosion. Clem hadn't seen him. He hadn't been to Willy's. She even wanted to see him playing poker for kittens, but there were four strange people at the table. She had taken the sewers all day hoping to catch him in transit, but all she got for that was more disappointment and ruined jeans.

            She stopped on her porch with her hand poised to turn the doorknob. Instead of going in, she turned and sat on the steps. She couldn't face Dawn, not yet. She didn't want to look into her eyes and see the pain that she herself felt, but couldn't show, reflected there. She didn't think she had the strength to keep her sister from self-destructing and keep herself sane at the same time.

            All she wanted to do was to run, as fast and as far away from the pain as she could get. She didn't want to feel this, or anything for that matter. She wished that she could return to the emotionless robot she had been when she first came back, the Buffy she had been before Spike had helped her be herself again. It was funny everything she thought during the day, trying to escape reality of otherwise, had led in the end to him. It struck her as odd that she had never realized how centered on him her life was.

            Many emotions were running through her along with the overriding pain, but mainly she was mad. She was made at the powers that be for cursing her with an unlucky love life. She was mad at Spike for leaving her like all the other men in her life had. She was mad at whoever the maniac was that took him from her. And mainly she was infuriated at herself: for not realizing how much he meant to her, for treating him like he was beneath her, and for not telling him that she loved him when he needed to be told.

            Finally, she realized that there was no way to get out of telling Dawn and that she might as well bite the bullet and go in. She went in the house and her little sister launched herself at her. Dawn buried her face in Buffy's shoulder and mumbled into her ear, "Buffy, what… what happened?"

            Buffy led Dawn to the couch, held her shaking hands, and looked her square in the eye. She knew that if she wavered then they would both fall apart. "Dawn. I don't know how, or why, but I do know that someone used on bomb on Spike's crypt. I don't know if he was there at the time or not, but I tried everywhere I could think of that he might have been and on one had seen him. We can still hope for the best, but we're probably going to have to face the fact that Spike's gone."

            Instead of accepting her anguish and grief, the healthy option, Dawn responded by lashing out with anger. "So, just like that, you're giving up hope. He was, is your friend. Don't you care if he's okay or not? Why aren't you upset, or out killing things until you find out how this happened? He loved, loves you, how can you just write him off this easy?" She turned and ran up the stairs, the sound of her slamming bedroom door soon following.

            Buffy hung her head dejectedly. She did care and she didn't want to write him off, but if she wasn't honest with herself upfront then she would eventually go as loony as Drusilla.

She didn't even notice that Xander was still there until he put his hand on her shoulder. She looked up him and smiled. He always stuck by her and tried to help, no matter what happened or how bad things got. The fact that he still had a crush on her was probably a factor in that, but why look a gift horse in the mouth. She really needed to talk to someone right then, but Xander wouldn't understand, so she would just have to talk to Will about things.

            "Xander, don't have to baby-sit us any longer. Why don't you go home, get some rest? We'll be fine," Buffy told him. She hoped that he got the hint that she wanted to be alone at moment.

            "Alright, if you're sure. If you need anything, just call."

            "I'm sure and if I need anything I will. Watch out for baddies on the way home."

            "Okay. I'll come by sometime tomorrow. Bye Buff." Xander went to the foyer, put on his coat, and left.

            Buffy looked around her living room and marveled at how empty it felt now that she had accepted that Spike wouldn't ever be in it again. She could see him sitting in the chair talking to her mother when they teamed up to stop Angel from waking Acathla. She got up and walked aimlessly around the first floor of her home. She could see them making out against the stairs during her birthday party that wouldn't end. She looked out the kitchen window and could see him comforting her the night she found out her mom was going in for more tests. She went upstairs to her room and she could feel him touching her, could remember him making love to her.

            Buffy stripped off her shirt and jeans still smelling of the Sunnydale sewers and donned her soft pajamas. She lay down and curled up around the extra pillow on her bed. She tried to banish the images and memories from her mind, but nothing would help. She finally drifted off into a fitful, restless sleep; fighting her own demons in her subconscious, knowing that no one would come to help her like usual.

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            The darkness in the cave was so pitch black and complete that anyone without supernatural abilities would have been floundering around and crashing into walls. Spike made his way through the shadows to his destination in the heart of the caverns. The hideous sounds and shady imagery dancing around the cave were a tad intimidating to even the Big Bad, but Spike pushed on reminding himself that this would all be worth it. It was all for her.

            He had about given up hope that this could actually happen, chalked this excursion up to trusting lore, when he came around the last bend and saw the demon who resided within the cave. It was colossal and gruesome. The old Spike would have turned back, ran from difficulty to save his own skin, but the man that Spike wanted to be wouldn't let him let Buffy down.

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Well, here's the third chapter. I haven't gotten any reviews yet so I guess I'm just writing this for me now. Works for me. If anyone is still reading please review my ego could use it. Thanks.