Lost in the Smoke

Chapter 4

(Disclaimer in part 1)

            Buffy slowly awoke in the morning to the sensation of sore muscles and the traces of mascara on her tear-stained pillow. She had had a single nightmare repeatedly throughout the night. In her dream, she had been on patrol. She made her way through all of the cemeteries until finally she ended up at the crypt. It was still standing, maybe not as pristine as it had been when it was built, but as neat as she had ever seen it. And he was in the doorway waiting for her.

            Spike was leaning against the entryway watching her with that gleam he always got in his eye when she was around. He smirked as he shifted his weight away from the wall. "So pet, took you long eno…" The rest was always cut off by the blast. She could see a bright flash and then it just stopped. She didn't wake up though. It just replayed sucking her back in every time.

            The phone ringing forced her to roll over and actually function. She picked the handset up and answered groggily, "Hello."

            "Hey Buffy. What are you doing?"

            "Oh hey Willow. Nothing. Where are you?"

            "Tara and I are at the airport. Is someone else going to pick us up instead of Xander, cause we've been here for half an hour and he's not answering his phone?"

            "Oh God Willow, I'm so sorry. Things have been tense around here while you guys were on vacation and I forgot to tell him what time your flight came in. Go ahead and get a cab. I'll pay for it since I'm the one that forgot."

            "Alright. We'll be home in a little while. Bye."

            "See you soon. Bye."

            Buffy hung up the phone and berated herself for not remembering when Willow and Tara were coming back from their trip. They had gone to a gathering on the east coast of many of the covens of Wicca in the country. They had considered canceling it after all the trouble the Scoobies had had recently with Warren and his lackeys, but Buffy had insisted that the world, and their lives, didn't have to stop because that. It had been her job to tell Xander when to pick them up and because the turmoil in her own life she had neglected her friends.

            "Just because one friend is gone, I can't overlook the others," Buffy thought to herself. She realized how callous that must seem to other people, but it was better than the alternative. Not feeling at all was better than feeling the loss. When she was awake she could block off her emotions, it was sleep that she feared after the previous night. In sleep, the emptiness took over and besieged her. It was then that she couldn't escape reality; the only time she was human. Awake she could just be the Slayer and let Buffy fall to the wayside. No one would force her to feel any emotions; no one would call her bluff. Only one person had ever done that, and he was the one who was gone.

*****

            Buffy was sitting in the living room on the couch when a knock came at the front door. She rose to open it. Tara and Willow were on the porch, their luggage stopping them from getting out their keys. They came into the foyer and set down their bags.

            They looked so refreshed and happy. The time away from the Hellmouth had done them a world of good. The looks they gave each other, the emotions in those sideways glances ate way at their friend's heart. She launched herself at Willow and buried her face in her best friend's shoulder. She felt like crying, but she didn't have any tears left.

            Tara sensed the sadness and frustration coming off of the Slayer. She wanted to help her, but she knew that what Buffy needed at the moment was Willow's ear. "I think I'll go upstairs and unpack. I may see if Dawn wants to hear about our trip if she's at home."

            "She's upstairs. She hasn't been out of her room while I've been home since the day before yesterday," Buffy told Tara as the witch made her way to her room taking one of the bags up with her.

            Willow looked at her strong friend and realized how frail and ghostly she looked. She knew from experience that it took a lot to rattle Buffy. The only time she had ever like looked this was right after she had come back, only then and when Joyce had passed away. Willow led her to her own room, shut the door, and they sat there on Buffy's bed like they used to do back in high school.

            She looked her comrade in the face and asked, "Buff, what's wrong? You said things had been tense while we were gone. Buffy, what happened?"

            "I, I don't know really. I don't know why, but the how is kind of obvious, I mean a bomb makes a big whole. And the ruble was everywhere and ashes, so many ashes. But I don't, don't know why," Buffy rambled on, making no sense. All her disjoined thoughts were coming out at once. She hadn't talked to anyone about the explosion, so she only had thoughts, not words.

            "Buffy, wow, not so much with the sense right now are ya? Okay. I get that you don't know why, but, why what? What about a bomb?"

            "It went boom. And he, I can't find him," Buffy lost her composure and began weeping tears that she thought she didn't have. Willow pulled her into a hug and told her that everything would be alright. That's when she became suddenly very clear for the first time since Willow and Tara had gotten home.

            "No, things aren't going to be alright. Things are never going to be alright again. I don't mean any offence to you or anything, but who's going to have my back when something happens? Who's going to make patrolling interesting now? Why does every time I get happy, the powers that be rip it all away from me? Why does everyone I end up loving leave me? Besides, if he was going to go poof at some point, it should have been my job. Not that I would ever want to poof another boyfriend, but hello, sacred duty here. I need to go kill something. I'm going to go look for some unsuspecting demons," Buffy ranted before heading out to the hallway.

            As Buffy was leaving, Willow heard her mutter under her breath, "Stupid blonde vamp. I should have staked him years ago; would have saved myself all this."

            Finally, she understood. Willow sat there dumbfounded. No wonder Buffy was so upset. Someone had killed Spike, and Buffy had admitted that she loved him. Willow jumped off the bed and ran to tell Tara.

**********

            Buffy sat on the cliff overlooking the city. She had gone through all of the cemeteries several times, killed a few rather odd looking fiends, and decided to watch the sunset from the highest point in the town. The sky was a rainbow of colors. Streaks of pink form the sun shone across the heavens, turning the few clouds a vibrant hue of purple. It was calming that something so simple as the vast openness above her could produce such beauty. It took some of her pain away for a brief moment, some, but not all. She could imagine the people down below going about their lives. She could tell it was time to go home or to go slay the night's new fledglings when she could feel the calmness fading away along with the colors in the sky. As she stood up, she must have been seeing things, because she thought she saw the DeSoto pulling into Sunnydale, but she knew that could only happen in her dreams now.

**********

Okay, I know I went way AU in this chapter, but this is the way I wanted to take this story.

Sorry about the delay on this coming out. I had part of it done and then I was away from the house for two days.

Thanks everybody for the wonderful reviews. I feel special now. I already know what I want to do in the next chapter so I'll probably work on it tomorrow.