Title: The Forsworn ~ Futile – Part C
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Unknown
Rated: R
Warning: Suicide, angst, depression
Falling, falling into the endless black. I closed my eyes, trying to force away the smothering feeling as night consumed my body. When I reopened my eyes, the black had retreated, leaving a faint sight of a form before me. It blurred and would disappear sometimes as the corners where the darkness waited forced themselves over my open eyes. I blinked violently, forcing the obscurity away again. The world was spinning and I was falling backwards…falling into the hands of black that would smother and protect me from the world above.
"Breathe, Heero! You have to breathe!"
I was hardly aware of where I was, or what I was. My brain was too fogged like my eyes; objects and bodies coming and going in distortion. I felt a burning sensation, somewhere on my body. My throat? Was I not breathing? I shouldn't breathe. Then I might take in this icky liquid of gloom inside me, as well. But I knew, that if I didn't take any air in soon, I would die…I would…
I tried to breathe. I did, truly. But…I couldn't. Oxygen couldn't be forced into my lungs. My eyes were open, but I was seeing nothing. I felt arms were circled around my waist and a desperate cry came from my right. I couldn't breathe. It was like I was in space and my lungs were frosting over, quickly followed by my body that was stiffening up like a corpse.
"He's going into shock…"
Trowa? Was that Trowa…?
I raised my hand; my whole body was shaking with the effort. It felt as if my very bones were stiffening up like an old man. Like…I was slipping into a coma…No! I had to fight it! I had to breathe…!
But…I couldn't…
My hand encountered flesh, soft skin under my callused fingertips. I stretched them out across the smooth plain, trying to figure out the owner of the voice who held me, who was trying to call me back from slipping into Duo's trap…
My middle finger stretched itself until it came across a closed eye, the eyelashes flicking continuously against my dry skin. I knew…this eye…I knew…
Trowa!
Suddenly, desperately, air was emptied into my lungs and I could breathe once again. Sucking in all the oxygen that the heavens offered me, the light-headedness disappeared from my cloudy head and I could see again. It was cloudy at first, but soon everything came into focus. First blurry forms, then more details. Trowa was hovering right above me, holding me in his lap with his eyes closed and one of his eyebrows was slopped downwards in perplexed concentration. Quatre, sitting on the bed with us, was on my other side, and was holding his head in his hands. Creamy fingers were digging into his hair, as if in pain or in a moment of self-blame.
Always blaming yourself, Quatre…
"Heero?"
Startled, I drew my fingers away and Trowa opened his eyes, looking worried for a split second before relief washed over him but being completely covered with his neutral mask. Quatre seemed to jerk out of his refuge, hands quickly drawing away from his face to expose reddened eyes. And immediately those hands were around my neck, drawing himself against my body as he tried to hug away the breath I had just sucked in.
"Oh, God, Heero, I was so worried…" Quatre's cry came, muffled against my clothed chest. He lifted his head, bangs swaying with the quick movement.
"Don't you ever put yourself in such danger again! Both of you!" Quatre yelled angrily, glaring at the two of us. Trowa's body expressed surprise before, unexpectedly, a small smile appeared on his face.
"Hai," he replied gently and began to help me up, Quatre quickly moving out of the way. I leaned heavily against Trowa's helping hand, placed on my back, letting my eyes slip close as the room swayed before me.
"Are you going to be okay?" Quatre asked and I glanced over through my eyelashes to see almost a flash of regret cross his worried features. Probably beating himself up about yelling at us after…
"What happened?" I heard myself asking.
"I heard you fall up here and I came up-," Quatre started but suddenly, Trowa waved his words aside.
"Its not important at the moment," he said softly. "All you need to know Heero is that you helped me. In return, I helped you."
"No," I argued, turning to look over my shoulder at him. "What happened? Where were we?"
"What did you see?" Trowa inquired, his own emerald eye glittering with…I couldn't place the emotion. Almost…self-loath? What had Trowa seen?
"I think…it was Duo's mind," I answered, glancing over at Quatre's startled and doubting expression. I continued anyway. "I was in a memory or…something he had made up. An endless white…room? It had a trail of glass and blood…"
"So you made it," Trowa said softly, looking away.
"What do you mean?" Quatre questioned, looking perplexed at his lover.
"I directed him there…" Trowa replied, even softer this time. His head began to lower.
"What did you see?" I asked this time. "What was that place?"
"I believe it was a thought," Trowa answered.
"A thought?"
"A place that Duo imagined or is imagining. You fell into a thought he stored away…before he tried to die or what he dreamed up as he sleeps. I was there once…and I brought you there to see what you could find."
"How? How did you do it?" Quatre asked desperately, looking almost blown away by what information he had received. He was gripping the blanket, an anxious, almost disbelieving, look on his face.
"I don't know," Trowa whispered softly. "I was in there so long…I began to go places as I fell deeper…"
"Fell?" I pressed.
"A hole…Duo's soul…"
"You're not making any sense!" Quatre said. I knew he was trying to brush away Trowa's words for they sounded like nonsense. Even I was having a hard time believing that Trowa could control anything when he was in a coma…and yet…
"I can't explain it," Trowa replied. "I can't tell you…you wont understand."
"Try," I urged.
"Duo…is dying. Inside. He's…I…falling. I couldn't reach him…and…I saw…many things…"
"What? What did you see?" I asked.
"Memories…Masks…Mistakes…"
~How could you lie with a smile?!~
"Lies…Loath…Love…"
~How could you frown but be laughing inside?!~
"Deception…I never knew…"
How can you take all my emotions and twist them around?
It was lies…Trowa was lying! There was no way…Duo was just sick. That's all. Just sick. Like the flu, or something. He will get better. He will. And when he does, we will all laugh about it…He…We'll…
He couldn't have been doing it all on purpose. He couldn't! Maybe, maybe just to hide the pain…but not tricking us for his own amusement! NO! I refuse to believe it! No, no, no, no!
And yet…
When we would see him frown…was he really laughing inside? Was he laughing at us, and how stupid we were? Or was he crying at how blindly we sought? Who was Duo? Did I even know him anymore?
Was there ever a Duo?
Was there just the mask?
Was there ever us?
