Title: The Forsworn ~ Tears
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Unknown
Rated: R
Warning: Suicide, angst, depression
Archive: Stella Soldiers ~ Aya Maxwell's site: http://stellarsoldiers.homestead.com/stellarmainpage.html
Lunacy in Two Forms ~ Anria's site: http://www.geocities.com/evilchibi
I hated you.
I hated the way you would curl your hair around your fingers; idly talking with a loud voice so the entire world could hear you. I hated the way your lips moved, that eternal happy smile on your face. The smile that put diamonds to shame, lighting up your aura like a candle in enclosed darkness. You would sit on the couch, leaning against my arm and roll your eyes skywards. You would say sweet things, question the way the universe was, and make witty remarks to my absolute silence and laugh away, like I was chuckling with you.
I despised your scent. You would be dancing around the room with that stupid bottle in your hand for an hour and never spray it once. You were even sweating by the time you were finished, hair frazzled and uncombed in drying knots from the shower. Then you would stop in front of the mirror, give a panting smile to your reflection then spray that disgusting fragrance over your body. That sweat…the special scent…made you unique. It gave sweetness while the musky scent of manliness wafted behind you. Such a strong smell that I hated every time you walked by me…and when the aroma would fade, I would miss the sweet cologne.
I loathed your touches. When you would wrap your arm around mine and drag me along, like I was your big brother. You'd laugh, you'd smile, you'd try to rip my arm out of its socket. But I never took my arm from yours, just taking in the agony of my muscles being stretched with silence. I let you lay your head on my shoulder, let you lean your body against mine. All of these things, that I hated more and more…became almost adaptable.
Except one thing.
I reviled the fakeness that radiated off your every move. Your every word. Your every smile. Your every squeeze. Your very scent.
I hated the very breath you would take to continue those lying monologues.
I hated the shining white you would flash in my direction that expressed happiness, when you really wanted to slit my throat.
I hated the nights when you would come in and squeeze my hand; squeeze it so tightly and whisper something that barely left your lips.
I hated the lingering aroma that I breathed in every day. Even when you are gone, I can still smell you…and still miss that disgusting fragrance.
I hated you.
I hated you more and more each day.
Then why, I asked myself, was I standing underneath your window, staring through the dreary night to the darkness that stayed behind that thick glass? Why did I listen to the soft song of the crickets far off, piercing the night so silence would rush away? This was supposed to be a moment of tranquilly. For me, to stand here, and think of what I was committing. Committing a crime that would return all those things I despised, loathed, hated. It was like some dream, or a nightmare, with me, standing out in the cold of the night with the green grass bending willingly underneath my feet. The window, in my hollow delusion, would bare far beyond me, like a goal I wished to reach.
But was Duo Maxwell my goal? Did I really want to reach him?
It was hard to admit. But I missed…that scent. I missed that warm, flitting aroma that touched and soaked every material of my home. I missed collapsing on the couch and bringing one of the pillows deathly close, and smelling him, that wonderful, beautiful, missing fragrance. The one that teased my nose with every mouthful of the sinful air…and I couldn't wait to take in the next breath.
I remember walking into my home and I would be attacked with the dying delicate scent. I would get this creeping, unsettling feeling, right in the pit of my stomach. The perfume in the room was powerful; it teased my senses, made me want to make it go away. Yet still, I loved the smell and desired more for my body. The scent would wash all over my hands, on my pants, in my hair. It might have been too powerful, if it wasn't so wonderful.
But…that one single fact remained. That faint trail of lies that melted off him and onto everything he touched. His deception had grown on all of us like a virus. It would affect us in the eyes, where we would be blind to truth and honesty. It would deafen our ears, where the world would grow mute. His deceit would dampen our aura, so we could not sense the shadows that delimited around the young pilot like demons. Demons that prayed upon his fabrication like desperate addicts. We could not look through that mask of fraud for it was too real. As real like the wind blowing against my back, begging for me to move up that tall wall to the brooding glass above.
So real that my very eyes, that I hid from others, could not even see the truth of Duo Maxwell.
Why…why did he lie? Why would he whisper secrets in my ear that were nothing but false propaganda? What was this thing he put himself in, this existence out of a real existence? Was it just some excuse to get away from telling the truth? To continue his lie, so that the reality he forced upon us would never break? I wouldn't let him. I had to know. I had to know why his lies still stayed with me, why they suffocated my every moment. Maybe it was because I blamed myself for being so weak against his games. Against his eyes, I was no match to see what was beyond them, to that depth of empty violet. Against his smile, I would forsake all the worries and doubts that would begin to eat away my mind. I had to know why he would always take my hand, give me these flitting glimpses of rare, true smiles, and share with me those hollow, empty eyes at night.
I had to know the truth behind the deception.
Because I had to know…even if it meant killing the last bit of human existence in Duo Maxwell's spirit.
I suddenly grabbed the rope that was hanging off my belt at my side. I unraveled it quickly, the black-dyed rope coiling to the ground. I took the hook part of one end and glared once more up at the defying window, blocking the goal that lay behind in silence and in darkness.
He might have been able to keep his secrets locked up within a closed mouth.
I whirled the hideous rope in my gray-gloved hand then let it fly. It split through the air like a dark snake, sinking its sharp teeth into the ledge just below the window, and spreading the cloudy night with the clatter it made upon impact.
He might have been able to pretend we weren't there with non-existent eyes.
I climbed up the rope quickly, feet planted and walked up the wall to my destination. My determination for reality was set; nothing would be able to stop me.
He might have been able to run and hide.
I closed my hand on the cream-colored ledge and I pulled myself up the rest of the way, keeping my balance on the narrow ridge by my knees. I pressed my hands against the glacial glass and peered inside.
But he was nothing against me.
The window easily slipped open and I crawled inside.
*****
He lay so still. Like a hidden corpse that was locked away, like a mummy in its tomb. The room was so dark, that I could barely make him out from his place on the tiny bed. I could see his loose, lengthy hair spread out beneath him, tumbling over the sides in discarded, curly strokes of brown. He was on his back, lying stiff with his head rested straight upon his pillow. A wounded hand was dripping out from under the white sheet, fingers curling under in natural grace. Besides the bed, the room was completely empty. Fresh, cool air welcomed itself in the stuffy hot room from the window I left open and I turned quickly back around, shutting the window with a soft click. I embraced the heavy weight of heat around me; I never did much like cold weather. Turning back around, I trailed my eyes back to the bed. I blinked.
Duo's head was now turned towards me.
My eyes were slowly adjusting to the dark. I moved forward carefully, cautiously.
"You know I'm here, don't you, Duo?" I questioned softly. The darkness was my only answer, closing in on me in a tighter grip as I drew away from the only light source of the room, the skylight that let the moon slip through glass fingers. As I got closer to the bed, I was just waiting for Duo to sit up quickly and grab me and pull me down. He would be laughing at me, grinning like a moron and then say 'Got ya' with a good-humored twinkle in his eye. But, in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn't true. That he wasn't playing a trick on all of us. That all of this was too sickeningly real and that wound on his wrist once shed blood all over the tiles of the bathroom floor.
"What?" I taunted. "No words today?"
I smirked to the darkness and slowly took a seat down at the end of the bed, completely out of immediate arms reach, incase Duo actually did shoot out of the bed and try to take me, like some monster under the bed. I watched his turned face, still pointing towards the window as if I was still standing there.
Then he turned his head very slowly into a straight position, directed to me and my still body.
I had this awful, creepy feeling clawing in my stomach. He mentally knew I was there right next to him…and after all the attempts to awaken him, now he answered me? Why now? Did he know my reason for coming?
"Its time to wake up, Duo," I ordered softly, unable to bring my voice much louder then that. I was fearful of prying ears…and probably more fearful of breaking the deadly silent that swallowed both of us whole in its mocking pit. Here was my sanctuary that I begged for outside; and now that it was here, I wished it was gone. I wished that the crickets outside could still play through that barring window. I even wished I could hear the small intakes of breath from the corpse in front of me. But just like a dead innocent, he looked pale, lifeless, even doll-like. His curved nose so pointed, so perfect in this lighting. The dark eyelashes foiling the pale flesh that covered the pumping red underneath. But what was so unrealistic was the lips, so chapped and unused that looked fused together, the near white mouth nothing more than decoration and giving no hints of the smile that use to brim there. Giving no clue of the laugh that would escape. Giving no allusion that it was ever used before. It was like a glass doll, sewn together to keep the hollowness inside from giving insinuation of the empty lies lying beneath.
Turning my head away from the form, I slowly took off my backpack. It creaked as it rested upon the bed and I looked around sheepishly, afraid that someone would hear. But that was impossible; all the nurses were in bed and the patients drugged up for their nightly dose. I quickly stood up and turned to my pack, unzipping it with delicate slowness; even if the noise that filled the room was comforting, I also found it a hint of my arrival.
As if Duo Maxwell didn't know I was here already.
Once the pack was open enough, I reached my hand in and shifted through the light contents inside. Slowly, I withdrew a small, smooth bottle. Golden liquid flashed against the silky cold flesh, and I stared at it for a moment. But only for a moment, before I popped off the silver cap and lifted the spray bottle into the air.
Shusht.
Shusht.
I closed my eyes as I slowly, gradually, lowered my hand. I felt a small speckle of the sprayed liquid reach my cheeks, the little speck of life dying once it encountered my warm flesh. But the scent did not die and I soon found myself surrounded in Duo Maxwell's scent, like arms circling a long-lost lover. I embraced that addicting aroma, wrapping my own arms around my torso and gave a rough squeeze. I was shuddering inside…and I don't know why. I don't know why this scent made me feel like I could die or worse yet, even cry. I don't know why it made me feel so good and so horrible at the same time. That beautiful scent I missed with heartache…
That didn't mean I didn't despise it.
Hastily, I drew myself away from those disturbing thoughts, capping the aroma back on its bottle and throwing it in the pack. I looked over to see Duo's reaction yet found none. I frowned slightly and sat back on the bed, staring at the unmoving form with disappointment.
"What do you want…?" I whispered to the corpse in front me, eyebrows narrowing by themselves. An odd habit of mine, when I was fixed with a puzzle, with confusion and answer just out of my reach. "You react to me, yet you don't react to your own passionate perfume?"
I didn't expect an answer and I didn't receive one. I was sure I sat on that bed for another 15 minutes, just staring at the narrow, pale face with conviction. A puzzle, Duo Maxwell, right in front me. And he was giving me the clues, somehow. But why couldn't I see them?
My heart suddenly began to pound as I thought…Harder and harder it went, as I stared at the form, the answer, with hardness, with determination as I thought…and thought…thought…
Could it be that I was blind to the truth because, I, myself was not willing to see it yet?
No, that wasn't right…Of course I was ready for the truth. It was my reason for being here. But why wouldn't Duo show me? He was willing to acknowledge my presence, yet he wouldn't share his secrets?
What if his secrets…were the truth…?
No, no!
There was no truth in Duo Maxwell.
Maybe…
Maybe…I couldn't see the answers…
Because…
His eyes weren't open.
Slowly, my hand closed the space between us and I pushed open his eyes forcibly.
I gasped.
Those eyes!!
Eyes that were devoid of all light…that seemed dead to the entire world. A retched, familiar feeling overtook me. Eyes that died against the heart of space, turning into a blank blue-black…where violet existed only in memory…
My hand was suddenly snatched back at my side, staring in complexed horror at those empty violet…the violet I have seen so many times…gone before I could recognize it, gone before I could register…Yet…they were always there, begging me right in the open to just catch that awful look before it would disappear. That vacant purple that had stared at me from across the bedroom, deep at night, crying with piercing, invisible tears, for me to wake up and see that bearing stare. That blank lavender that expressed so much heartache, that I could feel it surrounding me every moment as I slept. Closing in on me, as he kept hoping that I would feel the agony tearing him apart from inside. It was worse than his lies…for this pain would vibrate, radiate, and bring everything into shreds. Just the thought…takes my own heart and kills it with each pulsing beat.
"No, Duo…" I begged, tearing my eyes away. "Don't…Please…"
But it was too late…No! It wasn't suppose to be like this…B-But…
"No, Duo!" I whispered more furiously, eyes sewing shut against the agony that began to empty itself from the violet pool a mere foot away me. It began to surround me; the hands of pain wrapping their cold fingers around my neck and squeezing violently. The daggers of tenderness that stroked over and over again into my already bleeding heart. I know…I know, Duo…
"D-Duo…" I choked, my own hands wrapping themselves around my neck and giving a horrified, tightening squeeze that brought blackness around my eyes. It felt the very insides of my throat brushing each other, caving in on the other, as I kept squeezing…tighter. Tighter. Tighter!
"P-Please…" I gasped. "N…Not! Not like this!"
But I couldn't fight him. I couldn't fight the agony that danced across my back in pricks and thorns. My cheeks felt like they were bleeding, fresh salt thrown into the bloody trails on my flesh. I couldn't resist the insistent, deep digging inside the pit of my stomach. The clawing, the shedding, as my feelings, my words were unbound and tumbled right through my rasping lips.
"You're so selfish…" I whispered, my own hands still bound to my throat. "You only think of yourself…Did you ever think of us when you hid away? You're afraid. You're afraid of your own secrets…of your own lies that you kept feeding us…"
And even as I fed my truth to Duo…I also saw his…
"How could you lie so easily to us!? Was it just a game to you?! Were you really laughing at our foolishness, how easily we were led by a simple word that slipped past your lips?"
I saw that stupid night all over again. When the light played tricks in the darkness, where he tried to tell me all his feelings, handing over his heart with no second thought…
"And when it became too much, you did this! You tried to die, instead of letting everyone else know how fucking screwed up you are! You threw yourself away in a dark room and threw away the key…you didn't even think twice about us…"
I saw the bathroom all over again, the blood that he was laying in slowly filling up, painting his nearly naked flesh in crimson.
"Why did you lie in the first place? What controlled you to take such a desperate measure to destroy everything that could have been? What were you really afraid of?…You were afraid of the darkness. But in the end, you locked yourself up in it."
I saw the abyss, black walls leaking with glass and hot, angered scarlet. The abyss that throbbed with agony, intensifying the pain I was already in. I was surrounded in ruby blood, shining crystals, and heavy night. And each piece of glass held a memory, a new, fresh pain.
"You were afraid of yourself. So you made someone up…only that someone took control of you."
I was going to lose my mind! I clawed at the air, twisting around and looking around, trying to find the top to the bottom and the bottom to the top. But everything was the same! I had no direction to take, no light to swim to. And the glass began to attack, scraping my skin, or digging in, giving me something to dwell on, to die in.
"So the question is… Who is Duo Maxwell? Is it you…or is it him?"
I began to feel light-headed, and I successfully moved my hands away from my red throat, clutching myself and trying to pull myself together to fight the agony swelling around me in like a tornado. I wanted to die, just like when Duo wanted to die. I wanted to…to…
~I wanted to wake up every morning and wish I could scream in anguish. Just scream, scream, scream, scream, and scream! Until my voice gave out and I could no longer mutter a single word.~
I wanted to scream so bad that my lungs hurt from not doing so.
~I wanted to tear out my hair and throw the ugly brown locks away and feel my naked skull.~
I wanted to take my hair in clumps and pull it all out; pull it out and feel my skull bleed in agony.
~I wanted to take this blade in my hand and drive it everywhere in my body.~
I wanted to die, to throw myself out the window and fall to my death. To smash that addicting aroma right into my skull and let myself bleed to death while surrounded in that scent.
~You would never want to scream bloody murder.~
Yes, I would.
~You would never want to tear your hair out.~
Yes, I would!
~You would never want to kill yourself.~
Ye…No! No! Never!
"Duo, stop!!" I screamed, finally finding the strength to take control of my own voice. And, to my utter surprise, I felt it stop. I felt it wither and die, all in a flash. I was released from the fingers digging in my lungs. I was freed from the dagger that kept raping my heart. I felt the clawing in my body repent.
I heard a soft sob break the once again silent room and I realized it was from me. I was crying. It hurt so much. It was slowly burning my cheeks, like slow acid that refused to wash away. But this pain, this dull pain, was nothing to what I had experienced just a moment before. And yet, I still felt the need to speak. To tell Duo one last thing…before he came for me again with his dark demons…and I would lose my mind.
"D-Duo…" I said weakly. "Why…? Why…?"
Silence, besides my heavy breathing and light crying.
"Why Duo? Why…do…I still find myself encircled around your lies…? Why do I still wake up every morning…and smell you in the pillow next to me…? Why do I feel like…your eyes are watching me when…I turn my back…? Why do I…sometimes feel your hand in mine?"
Silence. My tears increased so much that I could no longer see. But they would not fall.
"Are you…really…going to let him win?"
I felt a soft rock in the mattress I was on. Two dribbles of salty liquid fell away.
"Are you just…going to lay down and die…? And leave me like this…?"
I looked shakily at my companion, heart throbbing in my chest. I couldn't see anything at first, for I had to furiously blink away the blur caving in from the bottom of my eyes. But when I could see, it felt like my heart had completely stopped all movement. Duo Maxwell…was staring at me. But not like before. Not that empty hue of lavender that saw the world like a doll trapped in glass. Not the blank stare that reflected no light that shed into the nightly room. Not the pit less abyss that sucked in every thought, every movement and twisted it around, emptying it into the shards of a soul scattered in a chasm.
No. His eyes were definitely different.
For now, they sparkled with painful tears that slipped down that pale flesh…and the moon faintly glowed in that broken gaze.
I smiled sadly, even through my own watery substance. I touched his cheek and took away one of those hurtful, acid-like tears.
Wake up, Duo.
TBC…
