Lament for Gandalf

Frodo is thinking in Lothlorien. Frodo/Sam. POV. Spoilers!

Disclaimer: I own my fingers.

A Olorin i yaresse

Olorin, who once was

I wish the Ring had not come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide.

I curl up, somewhere far out of the way, my tears soaking my face. I can't believe I feel grief in such a beautiful place, such a soul reviving, living place. But, I still cry.

Poor Bilbo. This will kill him. Gandalf, his oldest friend. My friend, the one I relied on all the way through my childhood. He would save me no matter what happened.

Mentaner i Numeherui

Sent by the Lord of the West

But he's not there anymore, so like all children who have had their dreams broken, they mourn quietly for something that could have been that never was.
I know everyone else mourns, but not in the same way. Legolas and Aragorn mourn because he was their friend, a hand in trouble. Boromir – he mourns for him as a figure of legend, Merry, Gimli and Pippin, I think, feel the same way.

As for Sam… He is grieving for a father-figure, someone to be feared and looked up to. Out of all who I know, Sam's reaction comes nearest to what I feel.

Tirien i Romenori

To guard the lands of the East

He never had such dependence on Gandalf though. He never really knew how great Gandalf was, how selfless, how his eyes would light up at a joke and darken in anger.

He was someone, not to be feared, but to be thanked in your heart, though you would never say it in words. Having Gandalf taken from my heart is like removing a stick from a cripple, or removing sight from a dumb and deaf child.

It's so cruel.

Maiaron i Oiosaila

Wisest of all Maiar

I don't think even Bilbo guessed at how great Gandalf really was. I think he was a Maiar. How could anyone be so wise, so – so there? He helped me more than Sam did, knew… more than anyone else what I felt.

Sam strives for this every day, I know. I love him, and I know he loves me. He's like that, pretending to be so secretive and his emotions flashing out to the world as he does so. I love you Sam. But, wait before you tell me. Wait until this is all over – and if there is no hope, tell me on the slopes of Mount Doom, even in front of all the Fellowship.

Nabab elye etevanne,

What drove you to leave

Or… let us die together, without saying a word, standing alone, together in love and fate.

I would give so much to be able to say, "goodbye," to Gandalf. To say, "I won't fail you. I won't fail you in this."

I whisper them to myself, over and over. But it is heartless. Gandalf's grave is unmarked, in a place no one would dare to return to.

No one would want to.

When I get back, I will dedicate the Party Tree to you, Gandalf? Remember that tree?

Norie i melanelye

That which you loved?

You loved the Shire, you delighted in knowing us.

I shake myself. I'm talking to nothing, I'm going mad. Mad Baggins' Mad Heir. Hm. There might be something in that. But, there won't be a happy ending. Not for me.

I only pray there will be one for Sam.

Mithrandir, Mithrandir, A Randir Vithren

Mithrandir, Mithrandir, O Pilgrim Grey

It's growing late. Legolas and Aragorn are walking… just a few feet away. They're laughing and talking. I must get back to the hobbits before they notice I'm gone.

They'd panic. The Ringbearer, missing!
So, I slip back. Merry and Pippin and Sam are sleeping, Boromir just outside their little circle, but he is unconscious and does not hear me approach.

u-renithach i amar galen

No more will you wander the green fields of this earth.

I kiss Sam's forehead, and his eyelids flutter, but he does not wake, and as I lie down beside him, on the platform high above the trees, I imagine Gandalf walking in these cool forests, with the white light around him and the leaves rustling.

I can hear him laugh, a rusty noise, and yet, though it seems as unlike Lothlorien as possible, the leaves sound in rhythm to his mirth.

I reniad lin ne more, nuithannen,

Your journey has ended in darkness

I choke back the tears, I don't want to disturb the hobbits. I don't want to frighten them, by hearing my hopelessness in the air. This is a place of hope, not of despair.

In gwidh ristennin i fae narchannen

The bonds cut, the spirit broken.

Sauron… Sauron must be laughing right now. I feel him sensing my pain. Always in my thoughts, and I'm always in his. I can feel his anger, always, his burning anger and I cry and I cry and I cry.

I lach Anor ed ardhon gwannen

The Flame of Anor has left this World

Gandalf has left forever, there's no use debating it now. I must use the time given me, even if it means my own death. But not Sam's. Arda can be swallowed by Sauron for all I care if Sam is lost to me.

Caled veleg, ethuiannen.

A great light, gone out.

I look up, and the sky is darkened as if storm clouds are passing over. And, I see Lady Galadriel walking by, as silent as wind upon water.

-End-

This is the second of a series of Lord of the Rings songs I shall do from the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack. They belong to their respective owners.

Lament for Gandalf – Words and Music by Philippa Boyens and Howard Shore. Performed by Elizabeth Fraser.