I think, as we get older we forget how protective forts made out of sheets
can be. You can block out all the bad things by surrounding your body with
large pieces of fabric. But as an adult if you made a fort someone who
surely lock you away in some mental institution. Therefore I did the next
best thing and crawled into my bed, pulled the sheets over my head and
brought out Fish. So you know, Fish is a stuffed bear my mama got me when I
was four. I know it's silly to be a nineteen-year-old and still have a
stuffed bear but I don't care what you think I like him!
In my protective cocoon all I could do is replay the image of Yoji being soaked by the hose. His voice saying that I enjoyed the view in that joking tone of his. The mortification that filled me while I remained silent and ran away. Hello, can I die now?
Now understand that I did not want to be disturbed, but about an hour ago it started to bug me that no one came to check on me. It's not like I want any pity from anyone. Quite the opposite; I didn't want my little personal issue to effect any one else's life except my own. But none the less I felt someone should have come up to see how I was doing. When I first stormed off, I expected Omi to be a few moments behind me. It seemed his unassigned job in the house to make sure everyone was at least content, if not happy. But with "the incident" playing over and over again I didn't think I have the strength to get up out of the bed.
So I just lay there. Sheets pulled over my head, body curled around Fish, brooding. I was discovering it was a lot easier to brood than be cheerful. To be cheerful nothing in your life can be messed up, everything has to be neat and orderly. And if it's not you have to act like it is or else people hound you (or should be hounding you). But to be broody you if you are having a good day people think you're on something. If there is a happy medium I have yet to find it.
Okay, so I'm brooding now. Brooding leads to thinking. Thinking right now is a bad thing. A very very very bad thing. My mind switches between what had happen and what will happen. With the occasional stop on two current things: Why have I kept Fish for so long and why was I still cuddling him at age nineteen?
But Fish is not my main concern right now. What is, however, is the way this little drama is going to play out. As of right now I have come up with two things:
One is God hates me and has Yoji and Omi act like nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. They'll think, "It's just poor little old Ken having a mood swing brought on by something or another and by tomorrow he'll be back to his soccer loving, clumsy self." This of course will completely freak me out and have me extremely nervous.
With Yoji acting like this was nothing, he'll just use it as another reason to pick on me. Seeing how I will blush he'll be fueled to use it for more of, what may be one of his favorite activities: How Red Can I Make Ken? Omi will tell him to stop picking on me, but while trying to be nice he'll say something along the lines of "Yoji-kun stop it. Don't you think Ken-kun would deny it right away if he liked you?" This would help and lead me to mumble something about Omi being right (because I cannot stay quite though all this). Hearing my mumbling Yoji would be energized and exaggerate his actions; you know, draping himself all over me or calling me some extremely sickeningly sweet nickname. All the while I have keep quite and still to prove Omi's point right.
But as we know at this point I have to think of the ice cold shower I will be taking as soon as I can get away from Yoji. The small pellets of water that will hit my body while trying not think of Yoji being in there with me. Turning the water dial all the way to the right so that liquid ice not cascades down my body. It will do nothing to relieve me of how I felt to be so close to Yoji; so close to that god like body; so close to heaven.
And so on and so forth until I die.
Version number two is just as fun as number one. This is where Yoji believed me and now acts all freaked out around me. Omi too, though to a lesser extent. The scenario will become I enter a room, Yoji will find some excuse to leave and that will be it. No one will talk about it, no one will question; there will just be this awkward silence for the rest of my life. In addition every night I'll end up in this fetal position calling myself an idiot and wishing for my own death.
These are the only two options I can think of. Both suck and make me more depressed. It just becomes one endless circle I am more than ready to get out of. However I am not going to leave this bed and no one is coming to save me so I'm suck. God has to be having a field day with this.
TBC
******
Sorry this had taken so long to get out but I got swamped this semester with readings and work and did not have time to write at all. There is one more part to go, but I don't know how long it will take for me to get that out. I hope quicker than this came out but no promises.
In my protective cocoon all I could do is replay the image of Yoji being soaked by the hose. His voice saying that I enjoyed the view in that joking tone of his. The mortification that filled me while I remained silent and ran away. Hello, can I die now?
Now understand that I did not want to be disturbed, but about an hour ago it started to bug me that no one came to check on me. It's not like I want any pity from anyone. Quite the opposite; I didn't want my little personal issue to effect any one else's life except my own. But none the less I felt someone should have come up to see how I was doing. When I first stormed off, I expected Omi to be a few moments behind me. It seemed his unassigned job in the house to make sure everyone was at least content, if not happy. But with "the incident" playing over and over again I didn't think I have the strength to get up out of the bed.
So I just lay there. Sheets pulled over my head, body curled around Fish, brooding. I was discovering it was a lot easier to brood than be cheerful. To be cheerful nothing in your life can be messed up, everything has to be neat and orderly. And if it's not you have to act like it is or else people hound you (or should be hounding you). But to be broody you if you are having a good day people think you're on something. If there is a happy medium I have yet to find it.
Okay, so I'm brooding now. Brooding leads to thinking. Thinking right now is a bad thing. A very very very bad thing. My mind switches between what had happen and what will happen. With the occasional stop on two current things: Why have I kept Fish for so long and why was I still cuddling him at age nineteen?
But Fish is not my main concern right now. What is, however, is the way this little drama is going to play out. As of right now I have come up with two things:
One is God hates me and has Yoji and Omi act like nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. They'll think, "It's just poor little old Ken having a mood swing brought on by something or another and by tomorrow he'll be back to his soccer loving, clumsy self." This of course will completely freak me out and have me extremely nervous.
With Yoji acting like this was nothing, he'll just use it as another reason to pick on me. Seeing how I will blush he'll be fueled to use it for more of, what may be one of his favorite activities: How Red Can I Make Ken? Omi will tell him to stop picking on me, but while trying to be nice he'll say something along the lines of "Yoji-kun stop it. Don't you think Ken-kun would deny it right away if he liked you?" This would help and lead me to mumble something about Omi being right (because I cannot stay quite though all this). Hearing my mumbling Yoji would be energized and exaggerate his actions; you know, draping himself all over me or calling me some extremely sickeningly sweet nickname. All the while I have keep quite and still to prove Omi's point right.
But as we know at this point I have to think of the ice cold shower I will be taking as soon as I can get away from Yoji. The small pellets of water that will hit my body while trying not think of Yoji being in there with me. Turning the water dial all the way to the right so that liquid ice not cascades down my body. It will do nothing to relieve me of how I felt to be so close to Yoji; so close to that god like body; so close to heaven.
And so on and so forth until I die.
Version number two is just as fun as number one. This is where Yoji believed me and now acts all freaked out around me. Omi too, though to a lesser extent. The scenario will become I enter a room, Yoji will find some excuse to leave and that will be it. No one will talk about it, no one will question; there will just be this awkward silence for the rest of my life. In addition every night I'll end up in this fetal position calling myself an idiot and wishing for my own death.
These are the only two options I can think of. Both suck and make me more depressed. It just becomes one endless circle I am more than ready to get out of. However I am not going to leave this bed and no one is coming to save me so I'm suck. God has to be having a field day with this.
TBC
******
Sorry this had taken so long to get out but I got swamped this semester with readings and work and did not have time to write at all. There is one more part to go, but I don't know how long it will take for me to get that out. I hope quicker than this came out but no promises.
