DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to their owners. You can't blame me for borrowing them, right? Oh, song here is entitled "Save Me" by Remy Zero, taken from the Smallville TV Soundtrack. (yeah, I'm a Smallville fan, too)
WARNINGS: language, post-sex, angst
RATING: PG-13
Well, guys, here it is, final chapter!
By Queen of Pain (queen_of_paine@hotmail.com)
CHAPTER 3:
SAVE ME
3 AM. I peeled my eyes away from the bright red numbers of the LED. Still early. Two rounds of wild uninhibited bedplay seemed to be not enough lately.
Beside me, a lanky figure reached for the nightstand and lighted a cigarette. It was funny how almost one year of sleeping together could do to your habits. I never knew how much of a bad influence I could be but what's done is done. It was up to Aya if he decides to quit or not.
Me? I hold on to the belief that I'm beyond salvation. I've already come to the conclusion long ago that I'll either die during one of the missions or from polluting my own lungs. Who cares? I've obviously lived long enough. Life's a bitch anyway. Well, my life that is. Somebody said: "Would you rather die from external circumstances or from your own hands?" Heh, I'd rather kill myself from smoking than let some low-life scumbag shoot me in the head.
Egotistical my ass.
I took a drag on my cigarette, as if emphasizing my thoughts earlier.
It was always like this after sex. The smell of sweat, smoke, and the aftermath of climax were never absent. But the post-coital cuddling was. The warmth of two sated bodies after making love was never there.
Physical signs of affection after fucking each other's brains out were prohibited. It was kind of an unspoken agreement. Kinda like, "Ok let's fuck but that's that." It's as if the fear of crossing some invisible line was there.
Fear of what? I dunno myself. Maybe because if we got too close for comfort there would be no turning back. And nobody was willing to take that risk. But sometimes I find myself about to cross that border—finding myself tightening my arms around Aya even after it was done. And it takes some effort before pries himself away from me.
I knew I was seeking something he wasn't willing to give and the strange pang in my chest betrayed my feelings that it didn't completely bother me.
Sometimes I even wonder why I keep letting on with this. And then a leering voice inside my head whispers the answer—but it was not the answer I was willing to accept. Because Aya was the only one who understood me, and I was the only one who can try to understand him. Of the four of us, we two are the only ones alike. We two are the only ones who were beyond redemption.
Yeah, as fucking unreal as it sounds, Aya and I were, well, soulmates. We didn't have any choice but to accept it. We only had each other to turn to. Well, you know, birds of the same feather fuck together. Heh.
My thoughts flit to Omi and Ken, and once again, I find myself jealous of how much of a soul they still have left in them. Omi has his school, his friends, and his optimism in life. And Ken. . . Ken has soccer, his students, his . . .
They still have something to go back to even after Weiss.
Aya and I, well, we have nothing to lose—nothing to go back to. Since Aya-chan died, he's lost all reason to live. He told me once that it didn't matter anymore if he dies tomorrow or the next second. Well, we almost have the same philosophy.
When I die, I'll most probably be heading someplace Aya's bound to be. Then again, birds of the same feather plunge to the depths of hell together. I'm sounding more morbid, aren't I? How pathetic.
Even wallowing in self-pity couldn't make Aya seek warmth. It's ironic how much we know each other yet we find it awkward to even touch after doing the most intimate physical gesture.
Sex with Aya was almost always rough. I never complained. It was our only outlet. But the one thing that I wanted from him was something he will never show—even while sharing the most passionate kiss.
I turned to my side, my back facing him. The chill inside my body was getting to me and I couldn't help but draw the covers up to my neck, hoping that it will go away.
"You cold or something?"
"Nah, just . . . feeling lonely, I guess." I was always honest with Aya. I believed it futile to even keep anything from him. But earlier tonight, I knew that if I didn't lie to him, I would've admitted something to myself I wasn't ready to accept at all.
"You should've gotten used to it by now. Killers like us are destined to be lonely forever."
I winced at the bluntness of his words while inside, I gave a wry laugh at the sheer irony of it.
So why are we here, then? Tell me, Aya, are we just fuckmates? 'Coz sex and loneliness are not synonymous in my vocabulary.
In spite of my thoughts, I knew he was right, but I was too depressed to reply.
"You ought to stop what you're doing, Youji."
I was caught off guard by the sudden change in topic--but I knew what he was talking about. I decided to play ignorant.
"Yeah? And what's that?"
He ignored the question and proceeded lecturing me. "Either way, he's bound to notice. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
"Since when did you start acting sensitive, Aya?" I was annoyed at his straightforward delivery of the thought I had been avoiding for some time now.
"It's inevitable, Youji. I wash my hands off it."
"Hah! You wash your hands off what? Don't pretend this doesn't involve you, too. You've known for a long time that he—"
"Shut up. This is pointless. It's Ken's problem, not mine, not yours either. Stop messing around with the kid's head." His voice was icy calm. It was as if he was addressing me in a meeting. "Don't even try to deny it, Youji. I've seen you with him."
With Aya, it was useless to even try.
Always so selfish. Unlike you, I AM willing to make someone love me.
I have to believe that someone can still love me, Aya.
I sighed and laid my head back on the headboard. "Don't hurt him. . . onegai. . .that's all I'm asking," I whispered in the darkness, my control threatening to break.
You know he loves you, please . . . make him smile. Make him happy.
"I feel no need to even do that, Youji. I honestly don't care. His feelings are not my problem."
"How—how could you be so selfish? It IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, DAMMIT!" My hands were aching to clasp around his neck and strangle him.
"If you want him so much, then fuck his brains out! But I'm telling you, it'll hurt him more if he finds out. . . he's not like us, Youji. You should've known that."
I know. . . that's why I love him . . . because he's nothing like me. . .and everything I want to be.
I was panting in unresolved tension. My anger now spilling over the edge.
"Why do you have to be so fucking right, all the time? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you telling me what's right and what's not." I was almost speaking in a deadly calm voice.
"Give it a rest, Youji. I'm just telling you what will happen."
I looked at him in the eyes. "Don't you feel at least a little bit of something there, Aya? Are you that cold as to just set aside Ken's feelings just like that?"
"I already told you—"
"Just shut up, ok? I don't wanna hear anymore of your im-wallowing-in-self-pity-nobody-will-love-me crap."
He chuckled. I felt the hair in my nape rising in rage.
"Whatever you say, Yo-tan."
"Fuck you," was all I could say. "Someday, I'm gonna kill you."
Tormenting me seemed to be Aya's favorite thing to do.
But the night wasn't over, nothing could've prepared me for what he was about to tell me in the coming moments.
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Aya never wanted me to sleep in his room after sex. After he drifts off, I always leave and come back to my room where I either stay awake all night or sleep away the remaining hours left before daybreak.
4:38 AM. His steady breathing told me he was already sound asleep.
So, no more sex tonight, ne, Aya?
I quietly got off the bed, careful not to disturb him. I looked down at his sleeping form, my eyes travelling down his face bathed in the moonlight and across his pale skin. It never ceases to amaze me how Aya could look so peaceful asleep when awake he was the most selfish bastard there is.
But what a lucky bastard you are.
I dressed quickly and left the room without another glance.
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The first thing I noticed when I entered my bedroom was Ken's sleeping figure sprawled awkwardly on the sofa.
He must've gone straight to my room in his sleepy state.
He's so used to coming to my room every night and now he can't even tell which room he's supposed to go to.
I couldn't help but smile at the thought.
Still, after what he told you . . . why're you here?
I walked towards him while crazy thoughts danced through my head. I looked down on him, and my chest tightened against my will. His legs and arms were bent in what looked like uncomfortable positions.
"I bet you've stopped the blood circulating to your arms. That's gonna give you major cramps in the morning." I muttered as I bent down to pick him up.
My breath hitched as I struggled to balance his weight in my arms. "Jesus, Ken, does playing soccer make you this heavy?"
I strode to the bed and dumped him unceremoniously on it. My breath caught as he turned and moaned something incoherent in his sleep. When he didn't wake, I sighed with relief.
I decided to get some rest. After all, the sexual trysts I had earlier with Aya were no joke. My muscles were sure gonna hurt come morning, not to mention that particular muscle down there.
I carefully got on the bed and turned to my right side so I faced Ken. His eyes were moving behind his eyelids and I briefly wondered if he was dreaming about Aya. The strange pang in my chest was back. I tried hard to calm down my out-of-control heartbeat to no avail, fearing that he might hear it in his sleep.
Hey, Ken I just fucked with the person you love. How does it feel? I, who you trust, just made love with Aya, who you love. So tell me . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
And they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want,
But know you were all I wanted
And all my dreams are falling down
Crawling around around
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How you do it Ken? I watch you play soccer with the kids like it's the only thing in this world that can save you."
"Heh, call me a hopeless dreamer, Youji, but I want to believe that there's still some piece of human left in me. Even you, Aya and Omi. So I hold on to things that will make me feel human. Talk about denial but I want to hope that I won't go to hell when I die."
"You're not hopeless. I just envy you because you still have something to go back to even after Weiss."
"But there are times when I feel unworthy to teach the kids how to play. I'm afraid that somehow, they might see through me—see the filthiness of my soul. Sometimes I'm just too burdened with the guilt of my sins that I just want to disappear and die immediately."
"We're all sinners in our own way. It's just that we carry a different sin—the kind of sin no one else's willing to take upon himself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pulled me under
I would give you anything you want,
But know you were all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around around
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doesn't that make us martyrs, then?"
"Iie . . . just sinners. We chose the path to being prisoners for eternity. We're not as free as we would like to be."
"But . . . but we are free to love, right?
"Aah, but 'Love is the only freedom in the world because it so elevates the spirit that the laws of humanity and the phenomena of nature do not alter its course.' "
dark eyebrows raise in surprise.
" . . . you read Kahlil Gibran?"
"Yeah, so what if I do? You can learn a lot from his works."
"But seriously, do you think there's someone out there who can save us?"
"I dunno . . . but if there is, I'm certainly not on his list."
"Aaah, but don't be so pessimistic, Youji."
"Well, if there is someone who can save me, I pray it'll be . . ."
"Who do you think it'll be?"
Are you willing to come save me Ken? Are you willing to grab my hand and pull me from this ocean where I'm drowning? I know you're not an altruist, Ken, but I pray it'll be you.
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Somebody save me
Let your warm hands
Break right through and
Save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay, stay
Oh come one
I've been waiting for you
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I tried hard but I wasn't able to stop them from coming. The tears flowed in torrents and my vision blurred as I blinked them back rapidly.
"Whatever you say, Yo-tan."
"Fuck you . . . Someday I'm gonna kill you"
"Not before he does."
"Ken's gonna kill me? Right, Aya. Drown in your delusions all you want."
Silence.
"I'm not kidding, Youji. He knows."
. . .
"You're kidding, right? Tell me you are!"
"I'm not. Just earlier this evening. . . I told him."
Red. Rage.
Scream inside.
"He was coming out of your bedroom to go take a piss or something and I passed him . . ."
"You. Had. No. right. Doing. That."
"He was about to say something and I just couldn't take it. So I shut him up by telling him the truth. Don't you see? I made things easier for you."
. . .
Dizzy. Boiling rage.
Helpless silence.
"fuck you, Aya, I am gonna kill you with my own hands someday"
". . . what's done is done, Youji. . . . I'm sorry."
"no you're not . . . you're not a bit sorry at all . . . I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL!"
Slowly, I raised my hand and it found its way to lay on Ken's face.
"I'm a fucking liar, Ken. Well, aren't we all?"
I twirled his dark tresses between my fingers, the tears already subsiding.
You knew . . . you knew . . . still you came here.
I'm drowning, Ken. I'm so tired of fighting. I don't wanna deal with this anymore.
Dream for me. I've no right left to dream for anything else.
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Somebody save me
Let your warm hands
Break right through and
Save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me
I made this whole world shine for you
Just stay, stay
Oh come on
I'm still waiting for you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sleep came to take me and I helplessly surrendered to it.
"I'm so damn sorry . . . so sorry Ken"
In between the light of consciousness and the blurred images of dreams, soft hands enveloped me. Long fingers entwined with mine.
"why didn't you tell me?" I longed to hear that voice once more.
"aishiteru, Kenken, aishiteru"
"Too late, Yo-tan . . . too late"
I saw round chocolate pools of light in my dreams and allowed myself to drown in them.
"yeah, too late"
~OWARI~
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~this chapter turned out to be longer than I expected. Well, I dunno how to react. I made Aya so evil in this fic, I'm sorry! And Youji reading Kahlil Gibran! Well, that's new! And I'm sorry too if Ikilled Aya-chan here. hehe~
tell me what you think. Review me!
