What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?
Chapter 2 - Yesterday
***** = Ellipsis
(Before)
Xander was sitting in front of the television watching some crappy sitcom about 20-something characters and "their lives". After another over-the-top joke he decided that he had had enough so he reached for the remote and pressed the off button. His apartment fell both silent and dark. And he just sat there, thinking. This was exactly the sort of thing he tried so desperately to avoid, to be left alone with his thoughts. When that happened his thoughts always eventually turned, as they frequently do when you are alone, to lost love. In Xander's case this meant Anya. Whenever you make a decision there is the potential for regret, when you leave someone at the altar that potential is greatly increased. It had gotten to the point that Xander had forgotten why he had done what he did and he couldn't for the life of him think of any reason that would justified his actions. He knew that she hates him now and he couldn't blame her. If someone did what he did than it would take a hell of a person to forgive him and Anya certainly wasn't that person. Still he sat there alone looking at the now blank television screen, thinking.
*****
"Willow it just isn't the sort of thing that you just get over." Came the response from Buffy.
"I know but I just can't stand to see him like this."
The two of them were on their way to Xander's apartment. They had decided that someone had to do something to cheer him up and that someone was them.
"None of us can, well except Spike."
"Do you think this will work?"
Buffy stopped Willow and looked straight into her eyes and said in her most commanding voice, "Yes."
This seemed to slightly reassurance Willow and they carried on the rest of the way in silence.
*****
"Do you people know what time it is?" Asked Xander through his door.
"Early?" Offered Buffy.
There was no response from the other side of the door. In fact there was no kind of noise from the other side of the door.
"What's taking so long?" Inquired Willow.
"Nothing." Said a distant voice.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing." Was again the response.
"What do you think he is doing?" Willow said turning to Buffy.
"I don't know. Maybe he's cleaning…" Suggested Buffy but looking at Willow's expression and realising who they were talking about she added, "Maybe not."
"Do you think he could be…?" Willow then did her peculiar habit that she uses when she is trying to communicate what she considers a rude word.
"Could be what?" Said an oblivious Buffy.
"You know."
"Nope."
"You know." Repeated Willow but more forcefully this time.
"Okay I not going to get it if you keep repeating you know. Is it a rude…oh." It suddenly dawned on Buffy what Willow was talking about.
"Exactly."
"He couldn't…could he?"
"That's what I am asking."
"He couldn't." Said an unsure Buffy.
"He couldn't." Agreed an equally unsure Willow.
They shared a look and then both said in unison, "Nah."
Buffy turned her attention back to the door, "Hey Xander, we aren't getting any younger out here!"
"You won't get any younger in here either."
"Just open the damn door!"
"Alright fine." There followed what sounded like frantic movement and the uttering of numerous swear words (many of which I couldn't possibly repeat here).
Then the door was opened. The image that was before the girls was of a very wet Xander sporting only a towel with a large brightly coloured exotic bird pattern. It took a minute for both of them to recover from that picture.
"I was taking a shower." Xander said as explanation despite there really being no need for one.
"You couldn't put any clothes on?" Asked Willow, the first one to recover.
"I couldn't find my pants."
"Where did you last put there?" Said Buffy in a strangely distant voice.
"Well I folded them neatly and then placed them gently in a draw."
"Then they should be there." Continued Buffy still in the distant voice.
Xander looked at Willow who shrugged slightly and then back at Buffy.
"But the elves came in the middle of the night and hid them from me."
"That wasn't nice of them…wait did you say elves?"
"Are you going to invite us in or do you want your neighbours to see you talking to two girls in only a towel?"
"Hmm…" Xander said, pretending to think it over.
"Xander!"
"Okay, okay but only as long as you two look for my pants."
"If I find them I'm not touching them."
"I wouldn't mind if I had to touch your pants."
'I bet you wouldn't."
After an extensive search the pants were found and Xander could finally get dressed.
"So what did I do to earn the pleasure of your company so early in the morning?"
"Apart from saying that?"
"Yes."
"We are here to cheer you up."
"Thanks for the thought but there really is no need."
"Come on this is us Xander."
"I am aware of who you are."
"You don't have to pretend with us."
"I'm not pretending."
"Sure you aren't."
"I'm not."
"Okay."
"I'm glad that you agree."
"Good."
"Fine."
*****
"Xander do we have to watch cartoons?"
"This is my home and my television. We watch what I want to watch."
"But cartoons?"
"They are very educational."
"Really? What have you learned from them?"
"Never buy anything from Acme."
"Acme isn't a company."
"Not anymore it isn't."
"No I mean…oh forget it."
*****
"Do you want to watch a film?"
"Nope."
*****
"I'm bored."
"You have been saying that for the last half an hour."
"I have been bored for the last half an hour."
"Yes but you didn't need to keep telling us."
*****
"I'm bored."
*****
"I'm bored."
"We know!"
"You're not doing anything about it."
"Neither are you."
"I'm telling you I'm bored."
"And that is supposed to…"
"To get you do something to stop me from being bored."
"Why is that my job?"
"Because I'm the Slayer."
"You know one of these days you won't be able to use that to win an argument."
"Yes I will because…"
"I'm the Slayer?"
"Because I have superior argumentative skills."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"And what makes you think that?"
"Because I'm the Slayer."
"I should have seen that coming."
"I saw it coming."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"You two we've having a nice little argument."
"Willow at times you can be very strange."
"I know but it is all part of my lovable charm."
"You have lovable charm?"
"Yes. You didn't notice?"
"No."
"Xander?"
"I noticed."
"There's a surprise."
"Pardon Buffy?"
"Nothing."
"I'm sure you said something."
"I'm sure I didn't."
Xander mumbles something.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
*****
"Well that sucked."
"I told that wouldn't work."
"You did not."
"Did too."
"Did not."
"I said this just isn't the thing he would get over easily."
"That isn't the same as saying that my plan to cheer him up would fail."
"It is."
"Is not."
"Alright fine."
"What are we going to do about Xander?"
"There is nothing more we can do."
"There has to be something."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Maybe you could take him out on a patrol with you."
"Putting his life at danger would help him how?"
"It will make him feel part of the team."
"I suppose."
"Also it will get him out of that place."
"Yeah what the hell was that smell?"
"I don't want to know."
*****
"So you are going to take him patrolling with you?"
"Yes."
"Okay, goodnight."
"Night…and it is."
"What?"
"Nothing."
