What The Bloody Hell Is Going On Here?

Chapter 3 – I Want To Hold Your Hand

It was your typical dark night in Sunnydale except for it being unusually humid.

"The night is unusually humid." Said Xander.

"Uh-huh." Replied Buffy not really paying much attention.

"I should have brought a book."

"You don't read books."

"I meant comic book."

"Oh."

"What do you mean I don't read books?"

"Well, do you?"

"Yes."

"Really? What was the last book you read?"

"Pride and Prejudice."

"And when was that?"

"Three years ago."

"And was that for school?"

"Maybe."

"See."

"Okay fine maybe I don't read books. It is not like I couldn't, I just choose not too."

"I'm not saying you should read books."

"You implied it."

"No I didn't."

"I may not read many books but I can certainly read between the lines."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"No come on, what was that supposed to mean?"

"I know why you wanted me to go patrolling with you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I'm not stupid. Willow asked you, didn't she?"

"No."

"You're a terrible liar."

"She didn't."

"She so did."

"Okay she might have."

"I knew it!"

"I thought you knew it before?"

"I was only guessing before."

"You were bluffing?"

"I've been practising my poker face."

"That's cheating!"

"No it isn't."

"Okay maybe it isn't but it's certainly not fair."

"Fair to whom?"

"Me."

"Just because it isn't fair to you doesn't mean it isn't fair."

"Yes it does."

"Okay my brain hurts."

"That will teach you to trick me."

"No that will teach me to argue with you."

"Either way you learned something."

"I hate it when that happens."

"So…"

"So?"

"So…"

"You know, this isn't one of the best conversations we have ever had."

"No it isn't, is it?"

"You would think with my humour and you're…"

"Intelligence?"

"That was not what I was going to say but okay. You would think with my humour and your intelligence we would be able to come up with a decent conversation."

"You would think. Although I suppose not all conversations can be good."

"I suppose."

"I mean by the law of averages some have to be terrible."

"Like this one?"

"Like this one."

"Yeah, maybe we shouldn't complain too much if the dialogue is not as good as it usually is."

"Dialogue?"

"I meant conversation."

"Okay."

*****

"So Xander…how are you?"

"I don't think anyone has ever answered that in any way other than fine."

"I'm sure someone has."

"I haven't seen it on television."

"Television isn't everything."

"I know. There are also movies."

"That is not what I meant."

"Who cares what you meant?"

"Me."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"I don't know but I have heard people say exactly when they are trying to make a point but have forgotten what it was."

"Where did you hear that?…no wait let me guess, television?"

"Yep."

"What a surprise."

"It wasn't a surprise."

"I was being ironic."

"Who's ironic?"

"Ironic is not a person, Xander."

"Then why are you being them?"

"I'm not."

"You said you were."

"No I didn't."

"You said you were being ironic."

"I was."

"Well, who's ironic?"

"Ironic isn't a person."

"But…"

"This is like a sketch by Albert and Costello."

"Who?"

"Very funny."

"O…Kay…"

*****

"So…"

"Let me stop you right there Buffy."

"Why?"

"I know what you are going to say."

"You do?"

"You want to know how I am coping after Anya left."

"Actually I wanted to know if you had a good recipe for rice."

"Which do you want to talk about me and Anya or recipes for rice?"

"Well now that you mention it, how are you coping?"

"The best I can."

"That's a good answer."

"You know the saying, practice makes perfect."

"It's just that we care about you Xander."

"Then why do you all ask me the same annoying question?"

"It's our way of showing it."

"Do you think you could find another way?"

"I don't know I think it is part of the whole friendship thing. When one of your friends breaks up with someone then you have to repeatedly ask them how they are doing. I suppose the idea is that you annoy them back to normal."

"Annoy them back to normal? You just made that up."

"No I didn't it. It is a well-known medical fact. In the middle ages when you got a stabbed by a sword the nurses would ask you how you were doing but, you know, in ye olde English, in the hope that it would annoy you back to health."

"Didn't really work though, did it?"

"Well they weren't as advanced as us. They didn't know the correct function of the how are you doing technique."

"Medical knowledge certainly has come a lot way since the middle ages."

"What a world we live it."

"Exactly."

******

"Buffy there was one thing I wanted to ask you."

"Fire away. You know, with you holding that crossbow that probably wasn't the best choice of words."

"When you were…I mean when you…How did you…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Is there going to be a question any time soon?"

"Yeah. Well, you see, it is like this…"

"Xander?"

"Yeah."

"Something tells me you want to say something."

"Yeah. Okay, here goes, Buffy when you were…vampire!"

"When I were vampire? That makes no sense."

"No, I said when you were…pause…Vampire!"

"Oh, you meant vampire as in a shout of surprise."

"Yes."

"Which would mean there is a vampire behind me."

"Two actually."

"Okay, excuse me a minute."

Buffy turned to face the two oncoming vampires. And then proceeds to do lots of aerobatic movements, a few kicks here, a few punches there, you know the drill. Basically both vampires were killed (for the want of a better word) but during the fight Xander got a punch to the face causing a small but very visible cut on his forehead, Buffy of course was unhurt.

"You were saying?"

"Was I saying something?"

"Yes, you spend about five minutes trying to say it and is that a cut on your head?"

Xander's hand went towards the cut, touched it, and returned so he could see the blood on it.

"I'm not a doctor but I would say that it is."

"You better get that taken care of."

"You're pulling me from the game?"

"No, I'm retiring you injured. And anyway there isn't much of a game left. I think those two vamps were the only business tonight."

"Are you sure? I can stay if you want."

"It's okay."

"All right, off home I go."

"Maybe you could work out a way of saying what you want to say."

"Err…yeah."