Sauron and the Ringwraiths: A Love Story
Chapter 8
"Come on down, Sauron!" yells Bob cheerily, "grab your coat and get your haaat! Leave your troubles far behiiiind. Just direct your feeeet to the sunny side of the…"
"Dear Morgoth, don't sing this early in the morning, Bob!" laughs the Eye, hurrying downstairs. "Stable your horse, while I'm coming… Darn this suitcase is heavy!"
"Stable Bjorn? Why? I thought we were going horseback."
"Naw, Bob. That's too mundane a mode of transport for us – we're on holiday! We're supposed to be trying new and exciting things."
"Like what?"
"I hired an Oliphaunt."
"You're kidding, right, Eye?"
From not far off, a sound of crashing, and a thunderous trumpeting noise is heard. Lead by five terrified-looking Uruks, a gigantic Oliphant comes lumbering towards the Evil Pair.
"Tell me again about how I was kidding, Bob?" joked the Eye, beaming from ear to ear.
"How do we get onto its back? Is it dangerous? Is it tame? Is it.."
"Now, now, Bob. Don't ask me a string of questions in the morning!"
"You're beginning to sound like a certain hobbit, dear"
"Darn that Ringbearer…"
After much persuasion, Bob finally musters the courage to allow himself to be raised to the massive creature's bony back. Taking a seat on one of black satin seats strapped to the Oliphaunt's back, the WitchKing secures his leather suitcase to the creature's headgear.
"I love what you've done with the colours, Eye", Bob points out. "Red, gold, and black are three of my favourite colours!"
"Did you think the colour scheme was accidental, old chap?"
"Aww.. Eye, you shouldn't have."
Hoisting himself into the other black seat, the Eye motions to one of the Uruks on the ground, who quickly climbs aboard the Oliphaunt, and takes the reins.
"To Harad, James", orders Sauron. "And make it snappy."
Slightly discomforted by the fact that there is a nosy Uruk coming along (even if only as a chauffeur), Bob leans over and whispers to the Eye…
"D'ya think he'll blab it all over Mordor that we're eloping, or something?"
"We're eloping, Bob?"
"No, no… but you know how these Uruks like to "spice up" the story."
"True. Don't worry – if he tells, I'll do the same to him as I did to that Uruk that once walked in on us when we were disco dancing."
"Ah, yes! I remember now, Sauron. You had him beheaded on the spot!"
"Indeed I did", smirks the Eye.
"You're such a sweetie", grins Bob, slipping his arm through Sauron's armoured one.
After many hours atop the lumbering Oliphaunt's back, Bob begins to take the role of Official Annoyer. (Somebody had to do it…)
"Are we there yet?"
"No, Bob"
"How about now?"
"No, Bob"
This continues for about an hour – or until Sauron gets peeved, and gives the Wraith a long, passionate kiss to shut him up. By nightfall, the bright lights of Harad's capital city can be seen, twinkling invitingly.
"Now we're there, Witchy", points out the Eye, gently waking Bob, who has fallen asleep.
"Wha… who?… Oh! Finally… I wouldn't mind a nice hot shower and a cup of tea, right about now."
"And you shall have it! James, take us to the Hilton, pronto!"
