CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ROCKY ROAD TO MORDOR
"That was hell," Malcolm said when he finally recovered. He found himself lying on a black leather couch.
"Thank you for stating the obvious," Dewey said from the easy chair in the corner of the room.
"Shut up, Dewey. Where are we? Where's Reese?"
"We're in a big black room, and Reese is in the small black room through that door."
"What's in that room?"
"A flush toilet," Dewey answered, as the sound of running water could be heard.
Reese came out of the bathroom smiling. "You should check it out. They even have a Jacuzzi."
Malcolm shook his head in disbelief. "That doesn't make sense. Everyone else in this world uses the nearest tree. Why does this guy have indoor plumbing?"
"Wait a minute," Reese said, actually thinking for once. "Isn't this the place they told us about? Where that evil guy lives who doesn't have a body?"
"Barad Dur," Dewey answered.
"Nobody asked you, Dewey."
"That does it," Dewey yelled. "I'm leaving." He walked over to the main door. To Malcolm's surprise, he opened it and walked out. He continued muttering as he walked down the hallway.
"We're not prisoners?" Malcolm asked.
"Duhh," Reese replied. "Who would give prisoners indoor plumbing?"
"Yeah. I didn't think about that. What's going on?"
"I don't know. All I did was take a shower while they cleaned my clothes. I'm waiting for room service."
"Room service?"
"Food's here," Dewey called as he walked back into the room. Behind him, orcs walked in with chairs and a table, and lit the flambeaus in the wall sconces. A human servant followed and prepared to set out plates.
"Oh, good. I see your brother is up," the servant said. "I am to apologize for the suddenness of your journey, Malcolm, and any hardships you may have endured. Would you like to eat now or freshen up first?"
"Something light, maybe," Malcolm replied. "My stomach feels funny."
"It's the time difference. We're a few hours earlier here than where you came from. I'll set out some broth for you and a few rolls. Would you like a wardrobe sent up, or should we clean your clothes while you freshen?"
"I don't get it," Malcolm complained, "but isn't this Barad Dur, the fortress of the Dark Lord who epitomizes everything evil in the world."
"You guessed right on your first try, young man. Congratulations."
"Okay. Then why are you being nice to us."
"Oh, pardon me for living," the servant said. "Just because Sauron wants to subjugate the entire world doesn't mean he lacks common courtesy. If you were in charge, you would probably let everyone do whatever they wanted. Now why don't you take a page out of the Dark Lord's book and apologize for your rudeness."
"I'm sorry," Malcolm said in complete confusion.
"Think nothing of it," the man laughed. "Just remember. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Oh, and I'm being rude myself. My name is Mathias but just call me Matty. Everyone else does. If you need anything, and I mean anything, I will do my gosh darndest to get it for you." He looked closely at Malcolm's clothes and said, "Yes, you WILL want a new wardrobe. You're lucky. You look very good in black. I'll take care of it personally. Do you want a matching cloak?"
Cloak?
"Definitely." Malcolm said.
"Silver or Red for the interior lining?"
"I don't know."
"Silver. It matches your eyes."
When Matty left, closing the door behind him, Malcolm listened but did not hear it being locked.
It makes you wonder. These people are completely evil. And they trust us.
*
"Merry! Long time, Compadre," Francis said into the phone.
"It's good to talk to you again. I understand congratulations are in order."
"Or condolences," Pippin shouted.
"Guys, I have to tell you. I have been happily married for over a week and I still can't believe it."
Pippin smirked. "My father's been married for more than fifty years and he still can't believe it either."
"Thanks," Francis laughed. "And Aragorn told me the news, that Gandalf is back."
"And it is a good thing, too, Francis. Things are getting dark here. There is great trouble coming. I have heard nothing of your brothers. I hope they will be fine."
"Aragorn told me that they have a delivery service near where you guys come from, a place called Bree."
"What do they deliver?" Merry asked.
"I guess pizza or something. I don't really know."
"You mentioned that before," Pippin chimed in. "What exactly is a pizza?"
"It's the best food in the world," Francis told them. "You take some dough and roll it flat . . ."
*
Malcolm was on the balcony with Dewey watching the volcano spew smoke and the occasional fireball, when there was a knock at the door. It opened almost immediately, and a tall thin man walked into the room.
"He looks familiar," Malcolm whispered to Reese as he came in from the balcony.
"I can almost place him," Reese whispered back, "He's from the movies . . . no . . . TV. Definitely a TV show."
"No, he does movies, too. He's the new gadget guy for James Bond."
"This must be a part time job, then," Reese said with authority.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you young gentlemen," the man said, "but we made an effort to bring you here as quickly as possible, and I need to ask you a few things before we get you properly settled. I will be your caseworker, for the lack of a better word. I am Joncleas, and your names are?"
"I'm Malcolm, but I have a question for you, Sir, before you begin. Could you say 'I would like to by some cheese'?"
"Excuse me?"
"I would like to buy some cheese. Could you say it?"
"I don't know why," Joncleas said, "but if it will speed things along. I would like to buy some cheese."
"Well, you've come to the right place," Reese said, "This is a cheese shop."
"I don't think you said it right, Reese."
"Malcolm, don't interrupt. It's close enough."
Both boys looked up at Joncleas expectantly.
"What is it?"
"You're supposed to ask for a specific type of cheese," Malcolm explained.
"Why?"
"So we can tell you we don't have any."
"Then what is the point of having a Cheese Shop if you don't actually have any cheese."
"Exactly," Reese said with a grin.
"That was fun," Dewey said. "Now do the Ministry of Silly Walks."
Joncleas stared at the three boys as though they were all mad.
*
"Let me see if I understand," Joncleas said. "You actually come from a different world, and in this world there is a man who resembles me."
"Right," Reese explained. "And he appears in movies and on TV, you know, television."
"Are these something like that Palantir?"
"The what?"
"Seeing Stones. If you look in one you can see and talk to someone who is also looking into one."
Malcolm nodded. "Yeah, something like that, except one stone would send, and all the others would receive. That's what we call TV."
"And movies?"
"Just think really big TV for special broadcasts."
Joncleas was amazed. "And how often are these devices used?"
"All the time. There's always some kind of show on."
"That is a wonderful concept. A diversion for the masses so that they won't even realize how oppressed they are."
"It works for me," Dewey said.
"I think I am beginning to understand."
Joncleas began pacing as he thought furiously, until Dewey started imitating him by taking exaggerated steps. "It's that silly walks thing. Isn't it?"
"Dewey, stop that," Reese yelled, "It's not very funny."
"No, Reese," Malcolm corrected. "It's not very silly."
As the three boys began laughing again, Joncleas muttered under his breath. "May we get down to business? Please? I need to know what you witnessed at Isengard. You know what I mean."
"You mean when the trees attacked," Dewey asked.
"The trees?" Joncleas asked. "And what is the rest of the joke?"
"He's telling the truth," Malcolm said. "It was really weird. The entire forest began moving forward, heading right for the tower."
"And then what happened."
"We ran. We're not stupid. If that's why you brought us here then why don't you ask someone else who was there. Maybe someone who stayed and watched."
"As far as we know, no one else survived, except for Saruman who is now a prisoner in his own tower. Apparently, the three of you did the right thing."
"Was that it?" Malcolm asked. "You dragged us hundreds of miles in the claws of flying lizards to ask what happened."
"We had to be sure," Joncleas said defensively. "Besides, you were a curiosity already. Spies told us how the elves found you, then threw you out. I was looking for an excuse to bring the three of you here anyway."
"You're making that up."
I bet you he just made that up.
"I did not make that up, young man." Joncleas began to shout. "I'll have you know that I've spent many a day trying to figure out who you are and what you are doing here. Sauron does not like unusual things to happen, and since I work for him, neither do I." In a softer tone, he added, "I think you are able to understand that."
"Are you going to torture us?" Dewey asked, suddenly afraid.
"No, If you were going to be tortured, we wouldn't have made you take a bath first. It wouldn't make sense. I can hear the head torturer complaining now. 'I can't stick him with this red hot poker. He still has dirt behind his ears.'"
"Oh, okay," Dewey said, "I'll be on the balcony watching the volcano."
"YOU would be great on television," Reese said. "I can see you doing the news."
"Thank you, I think. Could we return to the business at hand?"
"I thought we were done?" Malcolm asked.
"As far as Isengard, Yes. But we still have the matter of how you came here, and what to do with you."
"Don't you know?" Reese said snidely, "It was those stupid flying lizards."
Joncleas put his head in his hands. "NO. NO. NO. Not how you came to Barad Dur. I want to know how you came to Middle Earth."
"That's easy. We don't know."
"Oh, really," Joncleas said sarcastically. "You suddenly appeared in Mirkwood one day with no explanation."
"Uh, Yeah."
"And no one knows how?"
"Not a clue."
"Did you have anything with you? Anything unusual?"
"Unusual for us or for you?" Malcolm asked.
"Good Point. That takes care of that."
"We're done?" Reese asked. "Great. I'm going back outside to watch the volcano."
"What happens now?" Malcolm asked, once he and Joncleas were alone.
"We try to fit you in someplace. Would you like a job? You could be useful to us. And it would benefit you as well."
"I was already offered a job."
"Yes, Dewey told us about that Junior Ranger thing. I'm sure it was a lot of fun and games but I'm not talking about wandering in the wilderness. We are talking world domination, a new world order under the control of one strong man, er, entity, with a vision. And since we have not yet achieved our goal, although we are very close, you have a chance to get in while the getting is good. Perhaps you are ready now for something completely different. WILL YOU PLEASE STOP LAUGHING?"
"I'm not really the type for oppressing the masses and stuff like that." Malcolm said, still snickering.
"But that's the beauty of the system, Malcolm. You won't have to do any of that. No torturing prisoners, no wholesale slaughter of helpless villagers, none of that. That is what your staff is for. All you have to do is follow every order given to you, and what you can't or don't want to do you then pass on to them. It's a wonderful system."
"You were joking about the wholesale slaughter, Right?"
"Of course I was. That wouldn't even be in your department." He smiled in a way that said it wasn't a joke. "You do have talent. Perhaps you could work on plans to convince young people like yourself that they should follow our leader with, you know, blind obedience. What do you say, Malcolm?"
I'll give you one guess what will happen if I say no.
"When do I start?"
"I would have said immediately, but this television idea has me thinking. Let me run the idea by the Master and see what he thinks. In the meantime, try thinking up some rumors we could spread to make people feel bad about the people in charge." He laughed as he added, "Not our people, of course. . . . I think I have a handle on this humor thing."
As he started to leave, Joncleas turned back and said, "Malcolm, feel free to look around, get a feel for things. Ask Manny for anything you need."
"I will. Thanks."
"And Malcolm, those clothes look excellent on you. You look very good in black."
It's the cloak. I always look good with a cloak.
*
"I must risk this, Legolas," Aragorn told his comrade. "I must use the seeing stone. For good or ill, I will confront the Dark Lord."
"Then wear your armor fast and let him know you by the sword you bear. He will recognize the reforged blade. I will hide from sight but I will be near if you need my aid."
Aragorn cast his gaze upon the stone willing it to make contact with its counterpart in the east. The blackness of the stone vanished slowly to reveal, "Malcolm?"
"Strider?" the voice came from the stone. "You sure look different. How did you know I was here? These stones are so cool."
"I didn't," Strider admitted. "I was trying to contact . . . someone else. Where are you?"
"Oh, Barad Dur. I'm just below the throne room. Sauron's having a big meeting, and they're letting me look around for a bit." Malcolm began walking around the stone, and noticed how the background shifted. He saw Legolas approaching in response to the unusual conversation. "Hey, Legolas."
"Well met, Malcolm. You look well. I must admit that black becomes you. I must also beg the question. Why are you in Mordor?"
"These guys, the Nazgul, grabbed us after we got kicked out of Isengard. We're guests for now."
"Kicked out?" Legolas whispered.
"The youngling has a natural talent for such things," Aragorn whispered back. He looked back into the stone and asked, "Malcolm, do they trust you?"
"Yeah. Go figure. One guy even said that Reese had a positive attitude."
"That's nice," Aragorn said uncertainly. "Could you leave if you wanted to?"
"I guess, but . . . there's no place to go. It all a wasteland out there and most of the people we'd meet would consider us as their next meal. It's cool though. We have a balcony overlooking the volcano."
Aragorn looked at Malcolm in surprise. "Did you reveal any secrets to the enemy? Anything that might do us harm."
"I told them about television. That might hurt you in the long run, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Uhm, yes, well," Aragorn stammered. "Good luck to you and your brothers."
"Wait, do you happen to know where my phone is?"
"Yes, I borrowed it from Merry. Do you want me to call someone?"
"Yeah. I've always wanted to do this. These guys say that they'll deliver anywhere, if you're willing to pay for it. Call 1- 801-555-1212."
"Paradise Pizza," the voice on the phone said, "We deliver anywhere, if you pay the fare."
"Ask for two large Pepperoni," Malcolm explained.
"They want a . . . credit card?"
"Give them my Mom's Visa," Malcolm told him, and rattled off the numbers. "It expires in June."
"It is done, Malcolm. And I gave them our current location. What happens now?"
"If they show up, let me know. And tell Sam that Dewey says Hi."
As the stone went dark, Aragorn looked at his elvin friend, who was shaking uncontrollably. "Legolas, You are laughing."
"I apologize, My Lord Aragorn. I could not help but note that you sought to contact the greatest evil that existed in this world, and you confronted Malcolm."
A short while later, Aragorn again attempted to reveal himself to Sauron. The Dark Lord was unsettled to discover that an heir to Isildur was living and that he held in his hand the reforged blade. The worst part of the encounter was not that Isildur's heir was able to control the stone, but that he seemed to be laughing at Sauron from beneath his armor.
*
"I have been asked to give you this," Eomer of Rohan said as he handed Merry the phone. "Aragorn said to thank you for the use of it."
"Thank you," the hobbit said gratefully. "This is truly a wondrous device. Even though my friends are now on different paths, there are still some friends I can talk to and find solace." He looked up at the tall man. "Aragorn has gone?"
"And the elf and dwarf have gone with him. Your old friends have left you, Halfling, but you have new friends who are here. Now come, my uncle the King wishes your company."
Merry and Eomer walked to where Theoden was resting, when a sudden disturbance was heard. Two armed horsemen escorted a skinny, pimply-faced teenager before the king. He was wearing jeans, sneakers and a red shirt with gold stars and the logo, Paradise. And he was carrying a red and gold square heat pouch made out of plastic.
"I'm looking for Mr. Aragorn. He ordered two pepperoni?"
Merry jumped up suddenly and said, "Yes, I can take that for him."
"Sign here, please. And fill in that box marked gratuity."
"What do I fill it with?"
"Oh, I can take care of that for you, if you want."
"Thank you," the hobbit said as he took the two boxes.
"No, Thank you, Sir," the teenager said as he left.
"My lord," Merry said as he opened the first box, "This is a rare treat, Pizza."
"And it is still hot," Theoden said as he took a slice.
*
"I told you it wasn't him," Reese said, "Everybody knows the Ministry of Silly Walks."
"I still thought he might be when he said it wasn't very funny," Dewey complained. "He didn't have to get mad at us like that."
"Tell me about it," Malcolm added.
"There goes another one," Dewey shouted as the volcano spit out a fireball. The boys watched from the balcony as the fiery mass crashed into the barren plain, leaving a molten red splotch that gradually faded. "That was really cool. I like this place."
"Yeah, it is neat," Malcolm admitted. "I've been checking things out. Matty even offered to take me on a tour of the factory. I get to see them take a lump of ore and turn it into a sword or a shield."
"Sounds like a school tour to me," Reese said. "He has you doing all school stuff."
"No he doesn't. We're doing all sorts of different stuff together. He showing me how to read the various elvin languages. He gave me a few history books. He's . . . He tricked me. I've been going to school and I didn't even know it."
Now I'll never enjoy that factory tour.
"Don't worry about it," Dewey said. "You like school anyway."
"Yeah. Well it's not all school work, anyway. He talks to me about things. About how I feel about what happened. I've told him all about what's happened to us and he's been very understanding."
"Malcolm," Reese hissed, "Even I'm not that stupid. You told everything to the servant of the Dark Lord. No wonder he's being so nice."
Oops?
"I didn't realize it. I mean you've seen Matty, the way he talks. I thought he was harmless."
"Doesn't matter?" Dewey said.
"And why not?" Reese and Malcolm demanded.
"You don't know anything, Malcolm. You don't even know what this trouble is all about."
"It's about conquering the world, Dewey. What's so hard about that?"
"Malcolm, Reese, it's lecture time," Dewey said, and stood up to face them, much alike a lecturer would. "In this world Sauron created the ring of ultimate power. We're talking lots and lots of power, but it doesn't give ultimate intelligence. So when he decided to wear it openly into battle, somebody was smart enough to cut his fingers off. That is why he doesn't have a decent body. The good guys have the ring and they're hiding it, that's why we are having a war. And that's why Matty keeps asking you questions, Malcolm. He knows that you're involved somehow and he knows that you don't realize it."
"But I'm not involved."
"If we had the phone we could talk to Francis about it?" Reese offered
Malcolm stared at Dewey and Reese in disbelief. He never thought to mention the phone to Matty. He always glossed over that part. Malcolm smiled as he understood what had been going on. Matty, and his bosses, believed that the thing he wasn't talking about was this ring they were looking for, and not the phone.
"They think I had the ring."
"We have a winner," Dewey called out.
"They're actually looking for the phone, and they don't realize it," Malcolm laughed.
"There is one problem," Dewey pointed out. "I do know where the ring is?"
"Where?"
"Out there," Dewey said. "Near the volcano."
"How do you know that?"
"Do you see this neat telescope Matty got me? It's like those fireballs are right in front of you. Look through it."
"Okay, I see those guys. Who are they?"
"My friend Sam and his boss," whispered Dewey. "They're going to destroy the ring. We have to get out of here."
"Wait a minute, Dewey. How do you know all of this?"
"My friend, Sam," He said, pointing at the volcano. "He told me all about it back in Rivendell. He was worried about his boss, and needed someone to talk to. It was fine with me when we were riding around in the wagon. We were away from almost everything. I wasn't even worried about Saruman too much because we had Radagast with us. But we're here, and when that ring is destroyed, I bet this place goes. And if we're still here, we go with it."
"Hello, boys," Matty said, as he strolled into the room. "Are you ready for the tour, Malcolm?"
"Actually, I was talking to Reese and Dewey about something we all would like. Can we visit the volcano? You know. Get a close up look."
"It's too late in the day for that," Matty said.
Like you could tell in this place.
"How about first thing tomorrow?" Dewey suggested. "We can leave right after breakfast."
"Marvelous. We can even pack a picnic lunch. It will be a wonderful outing, and very educational. Oopsy, I said the E word."
"It's okay, Matty," Malcolm told him, "I know what you've been doing. And I have been enjoying it."
"You are too kind, Malcolm. Come on then. We still have the factory tour." As Matty ushered Malcolm out of the room, he asked, "You didn't know the entire time, did you?"
*
"Now for it! Now for the last gasp!" said Sam as he struggled to his feet. He bent over Frodo, rousing him gently. Frodo groaned; but with a great effort of will he staggered up; and then he fell to his knees again. He raised his eyes with difficulty to the dark slopes of Mount Doom towering above him, and then pitifully he began to crawl forward on his hands.
