CHAPTER EIGHT: HOLIDAY AT MOUNT DOOM
"And where do you think you're going?" Joncleas demanded when he saw the three boys being escorted to the main gate.
"It's wonderful, Sir," Matty gushed. "I'm taking the boys on a tour of Mount Doom. We're going to visit all of the historical sights."
The way he's talking about it, I bet they even have a souvenir stand.
"That is good news," Joncleas said in response. "We've had a change of plans. We don't have any real use for you here, but you boys are too valuable to simply, how shall I say it, let go."
"What a minute," Malcolm said angrily. "Why are we being kicked out? I mean, I even gave you that idea to increase sword productivity by 20 percent."
"You are not being kicked out. You are being moved to a more appropriate location. If you were being kicked out we wouldn't tell you. We'd simply toss you out the window. And as to your little design, it would increase production but it would also reduce quality by the same percentage. What use is it having more swords if they aren't any good?"
"When will they be leaving?" Matty asked.
"Tonight," Joncleas told him, "we have supplies going out to Cirith Ugol."
"Oh, good. We still have time for out little tour. Come along boys."
"Mister Joncleas?" Dewey asked.
"What is it now?"
"Would you like to buy an argument?"
"Buy an argument? What a stupid concept."
*
"Where's the snack bar?" Malcolm asked.
"You don't have to be funny. I warned you this would be educational," Matty told him.
"Look," Reese complained, "All we did was walk down this road . . ."
"The carriage took us most of the way," Matty replied.
"And left us at the bottom of the hill," Malcolm pointed out.
" . . . while you told us that Sauron walked down this road," Reese continued. "That's not very educational."
"Reese is right," Malcolm said. "If you want it to be educational, you should talk about thermal vents and the history of earthquakes in the area. Now we're walking through this stupid hot cavern to look at some hot lava. THAT is really interesting."
"I'm interested."
"Shut up, Dewey. Matty, I know you mean well, but we don't need a lecture about how somebody walked down a road."
"I tried with you boys but it doesn't do any good," Matty said in an offended tone. "OH, now you've done it. We've taken the wrong cavern. This one comes out below where the Master forged the one ring. This is the cavern they use for people who only make the trip one way"
"Sorry," Malcolm said. "Why don't we just head back?"
"Can't I see the lava first?" Dewey whined. "We'll get a much closer view from down here."
"Fine, Fine," Matty said. "You can get as close as you want to, but if you fall in don't expect me to come and save you."
"Great," Dewey said as he ran down the passage. "Guys, this is so cool!"
"This is cool," Malcolm said. "Thanks for bringing us."
"Yeah," Reese added, "this is kind of neat."
This guy is so weird. Now he'll forget that we ever yelled at him.
"Quiet," Matty said. "There's someone above us. They're on the platform."
"It sounds like Sam a little bit," Dewey whispered, trying to look up.
Someone shouted, and then the boys could hear fighting above them. Shortly after it began, someone else shouted, "My precious," followed by a scream as they fell into the fiery pit below. Instinctively, Dewey reached out to grab him, as Reese grabbed Dewey. The younger boy pulled his hand back and his eyes lit up in amazement as he opened his hand.
"I have it," Dewey chortled. "I have the ring of ultimate power." Then he added menacingly to his brothers, "now you have to do whatever I say, whenever I say, or else."
"Or else what?" Reese demanded as he grabbed the ring from Dewey and flung it into the volcano. He added snidely, "because you don't have the ring anymore, you little dirtbag."
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Matty screamed, his sense of fear and anger rising with each line he spoke. "You've destroyed the One Ring. You've overthrown the Dark Lord. Worst of all, you've cost me my JOB."
"Matty, I don't think you should worry about your job right now."
"That's easy for you to say, Malcolm. True, he was the Dark Lord and there wasn't much of a future, but at least he understood the importance of appearance. He was the only outlet I could find for my area of expertise. Take yourself. How many people have complimented you on the way you're dressed?"
"A lot of people but . . ."
"You see, Malcolm."
"Yeah, but this place is falling to pieces."
"Run!!!" Matty said as he fled out of the cavern, the three brothers right behind him.
"Stop," Matty shouted as he came across a river of magma in front of him.
"What do we do now?" Malcolm asked, and Dewey let out a high screeching whistle.
"Look, there's some big birds," Reese said. As one of the giant eagles turned, he waved his arms calling out, "we're over here."
"Good going, Reese," Malcolm said, "It saw you."
"Yeah, good going Reese," Dewey muttered sarcastically.
The eagle flew closer and landed in the only clear spot remaining. "Oh goody," he said tonelessly. "My nest mates each get a hobbit, and I get to carry the mother lode. Is one of you Malcolm?"
"That's me."
"Right. Gandalf asked me to keep an eye out for you, just in case. I'll fly you and your brothers out of here, but please hurry. Which two are you brothers?"
Malcolm looked at Matty as the man's face paled.
I hate when this happens.
"I have three brothers, Sir. That's Reese and Dewey, and this is Francis. Didn't Gandalf mention him?"
"Yes," the eagle said in an annoyed tone, "but he wasn't supposed to be here."
"It wasn't his choice, or ours," Malcolm said quickly.
"Very well," the eagle said. He had Malcolm and Dewey climb on his back and he grabbed Reese and Matty with his claws as he flew away.
"Why can't I be grabbed by the claws?" Dewey asked. "That was the fun part about coming out here."
"I didn't think it was fun," Malcolm said. "I was screaming the entire time."
"Yeah," Dewey said fondly. "That was fun, too."
*
"You have strange friends," Piama said as she welcomed her husband home.
"What happened to Hello, I love you?" Francis asked.
"It's just that Sam called today while you were out."
"He's safe? That's great. He's the one that gave me all those recipes."
"Then I'm glad I was nice to him."
"I'll call him back right away," Francis said. "Where's the phone?"
"In the bedroom." Piama said with a gleam in her eye.
"Well, maybe I'll call him back tomorrow."
*
"I'm tired," The eagle said as it neared Minas Tirith. Setting them down on the plain outside the city he said, "You can walk the rest of the way. I can't give my wings another flap."
"Thank you," Dewey called out as they walked toward the gates.
"Move along, move along," a skinny ugly man said as the three boys and Matty entered through what remained of the city gate. "Refuge stations are near the second gate."
"Excuse me," Malcolm asked, "We were dropped off outside by a giant eagle."
"Just be happy he wasn't still flying when he dropped you."
"Hey scrappy," one of the passing guards called out in jest, "Your mother was a drawf."
Scrappy shouted back, "Yeah, but at least I know what my father was." The boys stared as both men laughed. "Sorry, that was my brother in law. I married his sister last week. Anyway, move along, don't hold up traffic."
"You look familiar," Dewey said. "Aren't you . . "
"Dewey!" Scrappy shouted. "You gave me great advice. I had to fake a few things but I'm making it big. I won the contract to rebuild the outer wall. They loved my plans. And it's all thanks to you."
No Way? This can't be the orc that Dewey talked into quitting.
"Quitting that loser place is the best thing I ever did."
"That's great," Dewey said. "And you're married."
"She's uglier than sin, but hey, I'm no spring chicken either. But she can cook."
"I hate to interrupt," Malcolm said, "but where do we go?"
Scrappy raised his hand and signaled a nearby officer of the guard. "These are old friends of mine who arrived on one of the eagles. They need an escort."
"I will take care of it, Damon Scrapper," the captain said and called his guard which surrounded the three boys and Matty. "His Majesty," he told them, "insists on all who arrive in such a many to be escorted to his presence at once."
Malcolm looked at Matty's worried features and whispered, "don't worry. We can fake it."
*
"Strider!" Malcolm called out as he recognized his friend. Then he remembered his surroundings and added, "Strider?"
"Well met, Malcolm," Aragorn said as the boy and his family were escorted into his private chamber. "We do have one problem, however."
"I just got here. You can't be throwing me out already."
"Not you, Malcolm. It seems you came back with an extra brother."
"I can explain, Strider. It's actually pretty funny."
"Malcolm, Merry had me talk to Francis on your phone no more than an hour ago. One of these three is not your brother."
"Oh well, that would be me," Matty said. "Thank you for trying, dear boy."
The Lady Arwen stepped forward. "This is the servant of the Dark Lord that you saved? I sense no evil about him. How can that be?"
"Really, I can explain," Malcolm said quickly. "Matty isn't really an evildoer or anything like that. He's a . . . decorator. He dresses things up to make them look good. He's the one who picked out these clothes I'm wearing."
"And you look wonderful in them," Arwen said. "Black is definitely your color."
"Thanks, but that's the kind of stuff Matty does. Show him evil, and he'll make sure it's at least dressed properly. Tell them, Matty."
I don't care what happens. This is going to be a fun conversation to watch.
Aragorn looked amused. "Yes, tell us why we should spare a servant of Sauron."
Matty gave an offended look. "Not if you take that tone. It's obvious from what I've heard that you have no fashion sense at all. Look at those robes. They're all gold. That's fine if you're a great conqueror. Go ahead and show your power."
"I have defeated several of Sauron's armies." Aragorn said smugly.
"Who cares? They're not around to see you. All the people who are here to see you are the ones on your side. They don't want power. They want glory." Aragorn barked a short laugh, and Matty continued his rant. "Whether you like it or not, you're not the king, you're the hero of justice, of everything good, and goodness screams WHITE, WHITE, WHITE. Something in ivory should be appropriate."
"I have to agree," Arwen said as she took Matty's hand. "I was telling my beloved exactly the same thing before you arrived." She turned to Aragorn. "My lord, I trust this man as much as I trust you. Spare him on my account."
"I can deny you nothing, My Love," Aragorn said with resignation, "and I will change my clothes."
As they walked off, Arwen was telling Matty, "I would love to hear your ideas on the throne room. Gondor formerly had a Steward, but now . . ."
"Strider?" Malcolm asked. "What's going on?"
"You don't know?" Aragorn said, as he barked another short laugh. "Perhaps I should properly introduce myself. I am Aragorn Elessar, High King of Gondor and Arnor, a direct descendent of the line of Isildur."
"Does that mean that Malcolm is a junior king?" Dewey asked. "After all, when you were a ranger, you made him a junior ranger."
"Shut up, Dewey," Malcolm said, "His Majesty doesn't want to hear your stupid questions."
"Malcolm," Aragorn said calmly. "I would love to hear all of your brother's stupid question, and listen to the three of you constantly bicker, but I haven't the time. And since the matter of your extra brother has been resolved, I am free to dispense justice as far as you are concerned."
"Only him, right," Reese said. "I was just an innocent bystander."
I know you can't see it, but there's about fifty people in this room, and they're all rolling their eyes.
"In that case, Reese, I will start with you. You are hereby ordered to attend my northern estate until the fullness of your years, to be trained in whatever occupation you see fit. You are also to be given the means to insure your success."
"Am I being kicked out of here?"
"No," Aragorn said with a smile. "You are being given a home, and schooling, and enough wealth to live on for the rest of your life, even if you choose to do nothing."
Reese looks weird.
"Can I ask for something else instead?"
"And that is?"
"Look, I know I've always been a jerk. I know I don't get along with anybody, not even my brothers. And I'm not that smart. But for a while, I wasn't a jerk, and I got along and all that. Could I just get a wagon and a couple of horses?"
Malcolm wiped a tear out of his eye. "Reese, that was touching. I never realized how much that meant to you. Aragorn, we just want a wagon and a couple of horses."
"I'll take the house and the money," Dewey said. "You guys can load your own stupid wagon."
"Let's discuss this tomorrow," Aragorn said diplomatically.
*
"You were right, Francis," Merry said. "The Hawaiian pizza was excellent. I've never had pineapple before."
"Personally I'm surprised. I always thought that delivery stuff was an advertising gimmick. They really do deliver anywhere."
"I'm still partial to the mushroom pizza," Pippin said, standing on the other side of the phone from Merry.
Merry laughed, "I can tell you stories about Pippin. Between him and Frodo, they'd eat every mushroom in the Shire."
"And complain when they were gone," Pippin added. "Wait, we have a guest coming. Francis, it's your brother."
The two hobbits handed the phone to a surprised Malcolm. "Francis?"
"Malcolm, how are you," Francis said sincerely. "I was worried about you. Have you heard from Mom and Dad?"
"Of course not, Francis, and I'm fine. What's this about Mom and Dad? Are they missing too?"
"I risked calling work," Francis admitted, "I just wanted to let them know I got married."
"Married? That's great. Congratulations."
"Thanks guy, but I need to tell you this. Mom has been missing from work for more than six months. Nobody knows anything."
"What about Dad?"
"That's the weird part. Every time I call they say he's away from his desk. I don't think anybody noticed."
"I'll ask Aragorn to look into it."
"That guy is so cool," Francis admitted. "I think it's great that he ended up being a king."
"Um, yeah, that is . . ." Malcolm hesitated. "Wait, did you hear that?"
"Somebody's on the extension. Somebody's in our house. Who are you?"
"It's only me."
"Craig?" Malcolm yelled. "What are you doing in our house? Is anybody else there?"
"Look, little guy, I don't care about what you did to my house, or my cat, or even to me personally, but your mother is one of the best people I've ever worked with, and after six months, I'm determined to find out why she left without saying anything."
Malcolm nodded. "And why are you in the house?"
"My car had a flat and I was in the neighborhood. I thought I could get a favor repaid. I still have several of them," he added defensively.
"Whatever, Craig. Is anybody else there?"
"No one, and don't worry, Malcolm. There isn't any food or anything lying around. I checked."
"Great, Craig, but I need to ask you a favor. Could you check out the house and see if everything is okay?"
"I, uh, already did, but I'll check again. What am I looking for?"
"It's kind of weird, but I vanished out of my bedroom. Could you tell me if it looks normal? Craig?"
"I'm still here. I used the conference call feature so I can use my own cell phone. You don't mind paying for that, do you?"
"Just start looking," Francis fumed. "This is the first chance either of us have had to talk with anybody."
"Except Stevie," Malcolm added.
"Okay, hold your horses," Craig told them. "I'm in your bedroom. What am I looking for?"
"Anything," Malcolm said. "We were all in bed when it happened."
"What happened?"
"I don't know, Craig. IT. Just plain it."
"Fine, keep your secrets. I don't care about them anyway. Let's see, messy desk, messy floor, messy closet, messy beds, looks perfectly normal to me. Oh, look at this. A perfectly good book messily shoved between the headboard and the mattress."
Book?
Craig reached down and pulled the book out from where it was wedged. "Here it is. The Lord of the Rings. Hey, I remember reading this when I was a kid. It was . . . WHAT?"
Craig dropped his phone and the book as three booming noises were heard.
Air displacement. I'll explain later.
"How did you do that?" Craig asked in surprise as three boys suddenly appeared in the bedroom. "You're back. Malcolm, you look good. Black is definitely your color."
It's the cloak.
*
"You look ravishing," Hal said romantically, his eyes lit with an internal fire.
"Again?" Lois laughed. "You are never satisfied."
"I'm always satisfied. You know that."
The loving couple was rudely jolted out of their revery by their sudden appearance in their own bedroom.
"Well, goodbye Lothlorien," Hal said wistfully.
"Galadriel told us our vacation would be ending soon."
"It can't be helped. Now, where were we? You look ravishing."
Lois laughed, then frowned, "I hear the boys."
"Fifteen minutes. After all this time it can't hurt."
"Make ir twenty," Lois whispered.
*
"That's it," Reese said accusingly. "That's all it was?"
"Yeah," Malcolm said, "that's all it was. This slot built into the headboard is designed to hold a book. I had the Krelboynes do a chemical analysis on the wood, but they say it doesn't match any known tree. That means it's not pine or balsa wood."
"Then what was it doing at a yard sale."
"It wasn't a yard sale. It was a junk yard. I guess the last owner was smart enough to throw it away."
"That's stupid," Reese said, "There are so many good books we could put in there."
"Name one," Malcolm demanded.
"How about 'Planetary Escape.' That would be cool. Escaping in a spaceship just before the Earth crashes into the Sun."
"What if we're not on the spaceship? Reese, the bed puts us into the world of the book. It doesn't put us into the story."
Reese nodded sadly.
"I could pick a good book," Dewey said.
"Shut up, Dewey. We still owe you for the Ring of Power bit that you pulled."
"BOYS," Lois screamed as he burst into the room holding the credit card bill. "Who ordered Five Thousand Dollars worth of Pizza?"
*
"On behalf of myself and my former comrades of the Third Company of the Citadel, we thank you, Peregrine Took, for this wonderful meal."
Pippin stood on the table next to a heap of empty pizza boxes, and bowed. "Beregond, my friend, and to the rest of you as well, I am the one to thank you, although I have only been part of your company for a short time. Chance permitted me to supply this feast, and I was more than happy to do so. Is there any left?"
