Missing You
As I sit here on the beach with my fingers and toes in the sand, the water gently laps up on my feet then recedes back to the sea, the wind brushes across my face whipping my hair back behind me. I lean onto my legs, my chin on my knee, and my thoughts wonder to you.
The day is cool and drizzly, almost depressing. Almost. You loved these days. A single rain drop hits my cheek, or was it a tear? I wish you were here to wipe away, but you aren't and that can't be changed. So I just use my sleeve.
The beach is empty except for me and a few seagulls. You would laugh if you saw me now. I am lying in the wet sticky sand rolling down into the water. A giggle escapes from my mouth and I sit up quickly, feeling guilt instantaneously. Sometimes, no, all the time it is more than I can bear. I am out on the coast, seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, and simply taking in the whole atmosphere. You maybe able to see it all, but I don't think that you can experience it like I do. Maybe you are happier where you are, I don't know, but I hope so.
It would be so easy to let the misery take over my life. I have to fight it everyday. I try so hard to be content and appreciative of everything, like you told me to. I want to move on because I know that I need to, but mostly because I know you want me to. However I can't seem to make it five minutes before I think of you again. During the day, I see you in a stranger passing by, or I smell that scent so distinctive to you. I feel you presence behind me, wrapping your arms around me. I hear a voice similar to yours or I see you eyes in the clouds. Somebody says something like you and I turn around truly expecting to see you. At work, I daze off and stare into space, somebody has to nudge me to break my trance; the whole time my mind is filled with you. People ask about my ring a lot. At first I smile, and begin to tell the story, but then my eyes swell up with hot itchy tears, then I get a lump in my throat, and I can't finish. I simply say it was a gift. I'll be in the bedroom of our apartment and hear noise in the kitchen then imagine it is you just getting home, looking for dinner. But it is always Pickles, the cat you gave me last Christmas. At night you haunt my dreams, when I sleep, but usually, I lie awake and let you guide my thoughts. I think of every memory I have with you, laughing at the funny ones, crying at what I didn't know, and scorning myself for every hateful word I said to you, or angry thought, but mostly the way I rejected you at first. You were so innocent, and I was so negative. Then I wake up and start the whole process of missing you again.
Everyday I feel a nagging guilt for what I said to you at the funeral. It was truly cruel of me. I can't apologize enough. Just know that I did not mean a word I said, except for that I love you, and I always will.
You are everything to me; my life, my soul, my heart. You released me from my captivity, and ignorance. You gave me air, so that I could breathe freely. You brought color to my cold, gray, drear world. You taught me to truly feel, and how to appreciate life. I lived because of you, and now I thrive on your memory.
