Shinji.
- 3 -
Afternoon.
I breathed a sigh of relief. It only took me a little over an hour to fully clean up the classroom. All these days with Misato-san had really sharpened my "cleaning skills". I locked the broom and mop away in the storage closet.
I leaned against the wall and looked out the hallway windows. The fatigue. The after-effects of the nightmare still haunted me.
I stared into the bright, burning ball in the sky which we call the sun. He glared back; not only at me, but indiscriminately at all living souls on the surface of planet Earth. He watched, for generations, all the violence, pain, torment, and bloodshed we human beings have brought onto ourselves. He watched speechlessly. Does he judge us? Does he silently flow tears of sorrow, tears of pity for his children? Or does he secretly smirk, enjoying the show that the ludicrous people of Earth have put on for him?
The divine God of flames was not to be questioned. I closed my eyes, shielding my mind away from his intimidating gleam.
* * *
When I walked out of the school building, I saw a familiar figure, sitting in the shades of the trees near the front gate. It was Ayanami.
I took a deep breath, and gathered enough courage to walk up to her. She looked up, dazed at first. Then she recognized me.
"Good... good afternoon," I greeted her with a nervous smile.
She stared at me for a moment. Then she lowered her head and returned into a trance again.
I hesitated for a moment, then sat down beside her. For a long time, no one spoke.
Millions of random thoughts ran through my mind. Strange and crazy memories popped into my head; I suddenly was able to recall the brand of beer stocked in the fridge and the color of PenPen's collar. My eyes were glued on Ayanami's ivory legs.
Damn it, Shinji, I thought to myself, Pull yourself together, say something to break the ice!
"Um... Ayanami," I finally spoke.
"...what is it?" she replied.
I struggled to find something to say. My muscles were so tense it was as if they were going to burst.
"Ayanami..." I hesitated, "Wh... what's your favorite color?"
...What?
Ayanami lifted her head, but she didn't look at me. The air around us was frozen by awkwardness.
Silence.
You are pathetic, Asuka's devilish laughter echoed in my head, that had to be the lamest thing I have ever heard.
My face was burning red. I grabbed my head and bit down on my lips. I wanted to kill myself. Asuka was right. Even Toji can do better than that.
Ayanami looked up into the sky. The sunset had painted the canvas into a brilliant orange. I watched her face quietly. The hue of the reflected sky blended beautifully with her crimson red eyes. Her lips moved slightly.
"You... you are different, Ikari-kun." She turned gazed curiously at me.
No one had asked me a question like this before.
I was drawn in by her eyes. A certain peacefulness washed over my mind. For a long time, we sat there, simply looking into each other's eyes.
Then she blinked, as if forcefully pulled back to reality. She blushed, stood up, grabbed her bag and started to walk away.
I lowered my head in hesitation. I wanted to call her name. But I was afraid, I was afraid that if I get another cold look from her, the warm feeling dwelling inside of me would disappear, for good.
She stopped. I looked up, suddenly filled with hope.
"Ikari-kun," Ayanami called softly.
"I...I'm here," I clenched my fists.
"... The sky. My favorite color, is the color of the sky."
* * *
Night had already regained power over the skies when I returned to the apartment complex. The hallway lights weren't on, leaving the whole building looking strangely deserted. I had never spoken to any one of my neighbors. Why?
I unlocked the door to the apartment. Darkness dwells inside, too. Nobody was home, it seemed.
I was always frustrated by the fact that the light switch wasn't closer to the door. I searched for it in blindness. Eventually I found it, and turned on the light. A empty can slowly rolled its way to my right foot, bounced off and continued rolling.
The light had revealed a peculiar sight. There were empty beer cans, everywhere. The table was soaked by spilt alcohol, forming a small river and making its way onto the floor. Some cans were crumbled out of frustration. Asuka laid motionlessly on her side, in the middle of all this mess. I hurried over to her limp body.
"Asuka! Asuka!" I called worriedly as I shook her gently. She moaned, and turned onto her back. Her eyes squinted at the sight of light. It took her a while to recognize me. "Oh... hey, Shinji," she greeted me with an alcohol saturated breath and a weak smile.
I was relieved, seeing that she was okay. Slightly upset, I stood up to inspect the mess. "Asuka, what were you thinking? Misato-san will definitely kill you if she finds out." I grabbed a grocery bag from the kitchen and started to load the empty beer cans into it, "I can't believe it. You must have emptied the entire fridge."
She replied in silence. It made me feel uneasy. I turned around to speak to her, "Asuka, are you listen-"
Suddenly, she appeared, standing right behind me. She smiled, extended her arm, and pushed me lightly on the chest. My eyes widened. I lost my balance and beer cans soared out of the grocery bag in my hand. Before I knew it, I was lying on the floor, with Asuka on top of me, a sly smile across her face.
"You've always been clumsy, Shinji," she said in a soft voice I had never heard before. Close up, I suddenly realized how scantily dressed Asuka was. She was wearing an slightly oversized shirt. It was unbuttoned, half-exposing one of her ample breasts. Her bare legs glimmered under the light. My breathing became rapid.
"What's wrong, Shinji?" Asuka's smiley eyes gazed straight at me, her face still red from the effects of alcohol.
"Asu... Asuka..." My voice wavered, "I- I... If Misato-san comes back-"
"Forget her. Isn't this what you always dreamed of?"
"I-I..." I tried to reply.
Asuka put her index finger on her lips, "Shh. Don't talk." She rested her head on my chest. I could feel her firm chest through my shirt. "You're so warm." My heart was beating insanely, as if ready to explode.
We stayed in that position for God knows how long. Then finally, she raised her head and sat up on my body, looking straight into my eyes.
"Hey, Shinji..."
My throat was so dry that I couldn't reply.
"You know," Asuka continued, "You're actually pretty cute." She caressed my face with her hands, "Do you think the same about me?"
I blushed violently. Asuka's good looks had always made my heart go wild. But her attitude always felt like a cold bucket of water, pouring over my head. Now, I didn't know what to think. I turned my face away, avoiding eye contact with her, and nodded.
Asuka bended down to kiss my cheek, "You are one lucky boy," she said softly,
"Make love to me."
The words hit me like a shock. A feeling of coldness swept across me like a tidal wave, washing away all my excitement and ecstasy. Suddenly I understood. With the realization I gained strength. I turned to her, face to face.
Her body had blocked the light on the ceiling from my vision; in my eyes, it seemed as if the brilliant white light was shimmering from her body. Her beautiful face was filled with confusion, uncertainty and anxiousness. She seemed almost like an Angel.
"Asuka, I can't."
Mixed expressions surfaced on Asuka's face. Her grip tightened on my shirt. "You... can't." She lowered her head and hid her face from my vision, but I knew exactly how she felt. I shook my head.
"What... What do you mean... you can't??" Asuka's voice quivered. Her body was trembling; Trembling with shame, trembling with frustration, trembling with angst. Trembling with betrayal.
A forceful slap whipped across my face. Somehow, I didn't feel any pain. The newfound strength inside of me had formed me a mask. A mask of power, tranquility and understanding. My response was silence.
I watched Asuka quietly. Her chest was heaving with emotions. I wanted to comfort her. Slowly, I reached out my hands, wanting to pull her into my arms. She seized my wrists and pinned them down onto the floor.
"...No, no more..." She was sobbing, "...Please... please don't push me away."
She cried. A teardrop fell silently through the air, and landed on my chest. It pierced me like a lance.
"I will never do that."
Asuka loosened her grip on my wrist, and instantly I sat up, pulled her into my arms and embraced her tightly. She didn't resist.
"Asuka, I'll never leave you. I'll never, ever leave you."
Her tears became more and more unstoppable. My shirt was soaked, by tears of despair, tears of hate, tears of loneliness, and tears of the unloved. The tears of a girl, bearing a decade of unsaid pain. A scarred girl that desired love so much, that she was willing to offer her body, her soul, to anyone. Me.
I'll never leave you.
I'll never leave you.
I'll never leave you.
I swear, I'll never leave you.
I felt Asuka relaxing her grip on my shoulders. Her sobbing became quieter and quieter, and eventually diminished into the peace of the night. She fell asleep.
But I didn't. My heart echoed her every single cry, her every single teardrop. My heart was bleeding. But I couldn't cry, because I don't have any tears of my own. I was wearing a mask.
She was so needy. I am so needy. How can we ever love, ever give?
I forced Asuka's warm, unconscious body against mine. I held her tighter, tighter, and tighter. And tighter. So tight that I could barely breathe, so tight that I suspected that I was strangling her. But eventually I realized, and let go.
Asuka's body fell limply onto the floor. No matter how hard I embraced her, we can never become one.
