Shinji.

- 4 -

Day, a weekend morning.

I woke up, dog-tired, with blood on my hands. There was this strange humming in my head, but I had no recollection at all of what had happened. My fingers and toes were numb from the cold.

Must be a nightmare again. This isn't the first time something like it had happened, so I didn't think much of it. I wiped the blood off my palm with a piece of tissue paper.

It was a grey day. My window formed a frame around the moving picture of the outside world. The dark, massive clouds crept across the sky, obscuring the light, and hinting on something violent to come.

* * *

A small, rectangular box sat outside my door. The penguin was watching it fixedly. Misato was already dressed, and was as usual, enjoying her morning beer.

"AH!" Misato cheered after an incredible gulp, "This is life! This is taste of the fighting spirit!"

I shook my head silently. The tragedy of a single woman.

"Oh, good morning, Shinji-kun," Misato greeted me with a huge smile on her face, "How'd you sleep?"

"Oh... pretty well, thanks," I replied as I tried to tame my gravity-defying hair. It felt like a horrible night, but Misato needn't know about that. I bended down to examine the box, "Misato-san, what's this?"

PenPen sat facing the box, hypnotized.

Misato took another big chug, "It's, *gulp*...ack, sorry. It's for you. A personal computer."

"Computer?"

Misato nodded. "I asked Ritsuko to smuggle one for me. Took her a lot of effort to get."

I was curious, "Why?"

"Hmm..." Misato hesitated, "Well... I figured that you're too introverted. I mean, you don't go out that often, and most of the time you spent locked up in your room, not doing much. So... I wanted to get you something you can play with." She got off her seat, "Consider it as a gift from me and Ritsuko, as friends." She smiled warmly at me.

"Misato-san..." I didn't know what to say.

She winked, then grunted and stretched. "Well, I'd better be off. I still have a hellish load of documents to review." She walked to the front door and started putting on her shoes, "Oh, by the way, you guys have a sync test today afternoon."

"Okay."

The front door closed behind her. I sighed, sat down on the floor and glanced at the box. I never liked computers much, but I guess Misato-san's kindness deserves to be appreciated. PenPen was still looking at the box with some strange affection. I picked up the box, and he glared at me. I looked back curiously. We stood there like that for some time, and eventually, he gave up. He shrugged, let out a strange, grinding noise from his throat and headed into his little fridge.

I carried the box into my room, and began unpacking it with a small knife. Inside was a compact personal computer, monitor and machine built into one single unit. Even though I was computer-illiterate, I could tell that it was a rather expensive model. Ritsuko-san must have gone through a lot of trouble getting it for me.

A small note from Ritsuko was attached onto the surface of the monitor. On it were instructions on how to log onto the NERV network, as well as my own account and password. "After all, you are technically a NERV employee," Ritsuko wrote, "You deserve your own private account and connection."

I skimmed through her instructions, and unfortunately understanding none of it. I sighed, and put the note aside. I'm just not good at these kind of things, my vision shifted to the ceiling. Maybe Asuka can help me out.

...Asuka.

Her room door was closed. The alcohol must have kept her asleep. I stared at my hands; scenes from last night was drifting back to me. I bit down on my lips. She was drunk, I reassured myself, there's no way she could have remembered.

To distract myself, I forced my attention back onto the machine. The power cable hung loose from the back of the unit. I reached out to connect the power cable to the wall outlet, and at the same time noticing something interesting on the back of the empty box.

It was a logo. It was a cute, colorful, cartoon-ish face, wearing a pink ribbon on top of its head. Its giant yellow mouth arched up into a innocent, friendly smile. A female penguin.

* * *

It wasn't until midday when Asuka woke up. I was making lunch in the kitchen when she dragged herself out of her room, wearily rubbing her eyes. My muscles tensed. She sat down at the table and yawned, and looked lazily into blank space. I continued chopping cucumbers since she didn't say anything. The silence grew heavier and heavier as time passed by.

"Hey, Shinji," she called out suddenly. My entire body jolted.

Asuka stared at me, spooked and confused, "What???"

"Not... Nothing."

"Idiot," she cursed. She frowned as she rubbed her stomach, "I'm hungry."

"Oh... I'm almost done. Give me a few minutes." I felt a little easier. I was glad to hear Asuka's insults again.

When I brought the lunches to the table, she scowled, "Sandwiches, again?"

"That's all I could make with the stuff we have in the fridge."

"Pfft." She protested with a noise. Nevertheless she picked up a sandwich and started eating. I poured her a cup of tea, and then sat down to have my own sandwich. I secretly glanced at Asuka while we ate in silence. She was as normal, concentrating on her food with good table manners. She never looked back at me.

She left half of the sandwich on the plate and pushed it to the center of the table. "I'm full," she said. I kept my head low and nodded in acknowledgement.

"It's good."

"Yeah."

Nobody talked then. My heart sank as I found myself struggling to find something to say. Things were already awkward enough between Ayanami and I, and I really didn't want to add Asuka to the list. I'm really a loser, aren't I? I ate my sandwich extra slowly, taking one tiny bite at a time. It was dumb, but it made me look busy, as if I had something to do. As if I have something else on my mind.

Finally, Asuka stood up abruptly from the table, and walked towards her room. I think she was fed up by the awkwardness.

"A... Asuka," I found myself calling out as she slid open her room door. She stopped.

"Ikari," she replied.

That got my attention. It wasn't everyday that she calls me by my last name.

"...Let's forget about last night, okay?"

I didn't say anything. She lowered her head, and disappeared into her bedroom. The door closed quietly behind her.

Ikari. Ikari. I repeated the name silently under my breath. My own last name had never sounded so unfamiliar to myself, even when Ayanami says it.

Forget. Do... do I really want to forget? Asuka really means it, doesn't she?

Something inside of me shattered. Hope?

What hope? A voice inside my head questioned.

....

What hope???

....

Isn't this what you wanted? Isn't this why you refused her last night???

I...

What do you want, Shinji Ikari?

I... I don't know...

Do you know what you want?

I closed my eyes to the aggressive inquisition.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT???

* * *

Afternoon, NERV HQ.

I was on my way to the change room. I ran into a very disgruntled Misato and a somewhat entertained Ritsuko, walking side by side down the hallway.

"...for God's sake, the man dresses like a pimp," Misato growled, "Are all Kaji's friends like this?"

Ritsuko wore a strange smirk on her face, "Birds of a feather, flock together."

Ignoring Ritsuko's comment, Misato continued, "Why in the world would we need a new technician?? And a trash-talking one at that."

"Actually, I find his conversations quite philosophical and informative," Ritsuko replied, faintly amused.

Misato stopped in her tracks and turned to face Ritsuko. "How can you defend this guy, Ritsuko? You're in no better position than I am. I mean, why the hell would we need anyone else when we've got you and your team? The man's presence is an insult to you."

Ritsuko shrugged, "I don't really mind. Honestly speaking, we're still working our heads off on that bug in the MAGI, and I certainly could use all the help I can get," she explained as she jotted a few notes down on her clipboard. "Now, why do you hate him so much? I don't recall him harassing you, or groping you, or anything."

Misato threw her hands up in the air, "Arg, it's just that... he's so... so..."

"So... 'Kaji'?" Ritsuko mocked.

Misato's face turned cherry red, "I'm not talking to you anymore." She pouted as she brushed past me and stomped down the hallway.

Ritsuko couldn't hold back the laughter, "Alright, alright, I'll let it go." She noticed me standing aside, "Oh, hello, Shinji. Get ready, the test will begin in a few minutes." I nodded. She hurried to follow Misato.

I continued down the curvature of the hallway. Soon I was joined by Asuka, who had snuck up behind me. I could tell because of her little mischievous laugh and the sudden, inexplicable pain as she slugged me across the back of my head.

"OW!" I cried out in agony. She did a little dance and she twirled before me.

"Hello to you too, idiot," she smiled the sweetest, most innocent smile I had ever seen. I winced as my insides swell up with anger. You psycho bitch.

"That hurts," I growled.

Asuka was satisfied, "Good. Hopefully that reduces your sync ratio."

I glared at her and rubbed my head to ease the pain. For that moment, all good feelings I had for Asuka vanished into thin air. And I forgot a little. The girl can be a real witch if she wanted to, I muttered under my breath and sped up my walking.

Asuka had to run to catch up to me, "Hey, have you heard?"

"What?" I grunted.

"A new technician arrived here today. Kaji's friend," Asuka said with excitement, "I heard he's reeeeeeeeeeally cute." She eyed me sneakily.

I didn't really see how this concerned me, "So?"

"Nothing. It's just good to have some new blood in NERV. It's so stale."

"That's a good way to put it," I answered half-heartedly.

"I'm so excited," Asuka said in a melodious tone, "This place is boring the hell out of me."

Seeing her childish expression, I couldn't help but sneer, "Giving up on Kaji already?"

Asuka's face turned red, "Of course not...! I just excited to make a new friend."

"Sure you are."

Asuka stammered in frustration, "I'm just... I... I... ARG!!!" She stomped ahead of me and into the female change room. Few seconds later, she stuck her head back into the hallway and shouted, "MORON!", then disappeared inside once again.

I had to smile. I was beginning to see why Asuka enjoys bothering me so much. Seeing her so mad filled my heart with some sort of strange satisfaction. Maybe I should do this more often.

Suddenly, I recognized a familiar figure leaning back against the hallway wall, observing all of this. Her red eyes were dimly focused on me. "Ayanami," I greeted.

"Ikari." she said simply. My eyes brightened when I caught a full sight of her. She dressed casually, in a white blouse and a pair of marine blue jeans. The clothes were plain, but she looked dazzling. I suddenly realized that I've never seen her in anything else but her plug suit and school uniforms. If she would only dress up, she'd look gorgeous.

"Are these new clothes?" I found myself asking. She nodded.

"They... they're very pretty."

Ayanami said nothing. There was a small pause, then she gently pushed off the wall, "We should get ready. The test is about to start." I nodded in agreement, but I didn't think she saw it. She headed straight into the change room.

I entered the neighboring male change room, with some questions in my mind. What's with the sudden change in appearance of Ayanami? Perhaps a change in mood? It's a strange thought, but Ayanami doesn't look like someone who'd be bother with shopping. And what's all the fuss about this newcomer technician?

Well, I suppose the answers will eventually come to me themselves.

I pushed the secure button on my plug suit and it wound up tightly around me. Then I headed for the Cage.