A/N - missed this last time so. Many thanks and much kudos to Trisha for the beta. Her fine tuning is gratefully accepted.

Done Waiting - chapter 2



I'm still giving real thought to just letting this happen. No Spike, no problem. But that's always been true and wasn't a good enough reason in the past. And in the past I couldn't blame myself for any of this. Oh my God, I've made myself responsible for Spike! No. No no no no no. Crap.

"Xander, don't do this. Please." I reach out to them as I edge closer. It's like I'm trying to get near an animal, a horse or something that'd be easily spooked. Right now I'm the one who's spooked. Talk about a serious case of the wiggins.

"Buffy, unless your moving in for a closer look at the big event I'd stay where you are. I don't want this to happen too fast and you're giving me an itchy trigger finger." He glances at me and I can't figure out why Spike doesn't move. He's usually so quick to pick up on an enemy's distraction. Exhibit A - the High School. Exhibit B - the Gem of Amarra. So I don't get it. Wait up, I don't get how Xander got him pinned at all. Okay, chip. Can't fight back. But he's so much quicker than Xander. And can you say years of experience. Oh yeh, Spike's got a lot of experience. The things he knows.

Dammit, bad brain. So not the time. And where did that come from? Nothing about Spike is good or to be remembered. Or to be missed. Which really brings me back to why I give a damn. It's like that song Mom used to like. Windmills of Your Mind. Apparently it's about chess or something. Can't see why. Unless it's cos chess is kinda confusing. It's meant to be about battles so I should be great at it. So not true. Giles tried to teach me once. Wanted to 'improve your strategic and tactical abilities'. He gave up when I kept calling the knight 'horsey'. Sometimes he's got no sense of humour. Jeez, so I'm not the brain on the team but I'm not that dumb! Aargh! Spike, must think about Spike. In a not-naked kinda way. Cos I don't want to see him naked. Uh huh. And I don't want to see him dusty. Gotta get with the programme.

Xnader's started dragging the stake down Spike's chest. Spike's t-shirt is ripping and I can see blood but Spike doesn't even flinch. This is not my Xander. This is just cruel. He said he wanted to take it slow but.

AND WHY THE HELL IS SPIKE LETTING HIM DO THIS!!!!!

Spike's got his eyes fixed on me. His face is calm, like it's all fine. Like this is what he wants. Like he's waiting. Oh God, that's it. He's waiting still. For me to do something. But what?

"Why are you doing that, Xander? If you wanna dust him, why haven't you? Maybe it's not really what you want."

"Nice try, Buffy, but why do you care? Spike's evil, rotten, sick, twisted. He's filth." The stake's started following a path across the waistband of Spike's jeans. " You know what I heard once? That all rapists should be castrated. What do you think? Add that to the chip and, hey, impotent Spike. Totally. But I'm forgetting. We're talking about what used to be your favourite body part, aint that so? But not anymore, right? Doesn't matter, does it? Tell me it doesn't matter."

This is. this is just sick. Doesn't matter what I say, Xander won't hear me. And I need him to hear me. Not just cos of Spike but because. I want Xander back. This isn't him. This is someone colder, harder, broken. Christ, are we all broken? And why does it feel like it's my fault?

"Please Xander. Don't do this. It isn't you."

"Still hung up on Spike's prowess, Buffy. Thought you'd be over that. Cos I can't see the appeal. Still wanna bump uglies with the undead, is that it?" Xander's grip on Spike is still strong but at least that damn stake has stopped moving. Their eyes. God their eyes scare me - Xander's so cold and Spike's so calm. And none of this seems real. And I want to run away. So fast they could never keep up. So far they could never find me. Is there anyplace where this stops being real? Maybe if I died again. Cos Dawn said they got on while I was dead. Not friends, no, but not this consuming hatred that's infected Xander. How can this get better? It's kinda like Willow all over again. I couldn't reach her either. Xander could, but I don't have any stories about being kids with him. What can I say to remind him?

"Xander, I love you. And this isn't you. Come back, please. Put Spike and the stake down. Beat the crap out of him if you have to but don't let it end like this. I can't find peace if you end it like this. I'm tired. Aren't you tired?" Maybe.maybe I've reached him cos he drops his head. I suddenly need to hold Xander, tell him it's okay. So what if it's a lie? All summer we've been running around saying how great we are, how cool we are cos we went through Hell and survived. All it took was one thing to show me that we were fooling ourselves. Spike. The joker in the mix. Always the start of trouble, always the revealer of the truth.

So I move towards Xander but his head flies up and his eyes pin me again.

But it's not the same cos he's back. Oh God he's back. He looks like he's gonna cry. And it's weird cos he's got the same look on his face that Spike had when I said goodbye and called him 'William'. What is it with the men in my life and their constant disappointment and despair cos of me? What is it with me?

"Buffy, why? I don't get it. I never got it. Not Angel. Not Spike. Not this. Did I do something so bad that you chose them over me? You love me but I don't matter. Not like them. Why do they always mean more? To everyone?"

What the Hell.. ?

"I don't understand Xander, but I want to. Please, come inside and explain. And I'll answer any questions. I promise. I'm not gonna hide anything. I'll do anything you want"

"For him! It's just so I'll let him go" And Xander pushes Spike further up the tree by his throat. Spike's now a good two feet off the ground. Still not reacting. Still just waiting.

"No! For you. Xander, you can tie him up and dump in the basement. Strap him to the tree. Whatever. Whatever you have to do to come with me. There are chains in the house, right? I can get them. Just promise you'll wait for me. Will you do that?" I start towards the house, not taking my eyes off either of them. I'm walking slowly cos I don't think we're out of the woods yet. Xander could still. torture, maim, kill. He hasn't spoken yet, hasn't agreed to talk.

"Okay. But hurry. Dead boy here might open his mouth and change my mind. Cos one word, one word and he's history. You got that Spike? I still want you gone."

Gotta hurry. Spike might be playing dumb but he never knew when to keep his mouth shut before. And I can't see that changing. Even though nothing else he's done seems. normal. Well, normal for Spike. There's still a set of chains in the basement. After the reality-skipping, make-Buffy-go- psycho demon was about they seemed like a good investment. Tara. oh god Tara, I wish you were here. Tara did something witchy to them so they couldn't be broken. Just gotta get them upstairs, chain up Spike - and try not to think how much he liked chains now and then - and sort out Xander. Then sort out Spike. And, hey, maybe I'll get to sort out me. Cos that would be kinda neat. Like it's ever gonna happen. And all before Dawn gets home from helping Anya and Willow finally decides she wants to know what the noise is about. I guess I should be grateful that she's lost her curiosity but it makes her seem. dead. Sometimes we all seem dead. Just no-one remembered to lay us down and bury us. Tara took too much of us with her. And a little bit more went with Spike. Maybe that's it. I need to get back what Spike took with him.

The chains are all tangled up under the basement stairs. How come I had them neatly coiled on the floor and now they're all over the place? Are they related to fairy lights? Cos that's what it's like - trying to untangle the lights for the Christmas tree, the ones that last New Years were carefully wound and put away and now look like they've been having some kinda game of Twister. Okay, so the chains are heavier and noisier and I don't have to find the dead bulb. But it's sorta the same.

I give up on the knots and kinks and just drag the damn things behind me as I race up the stairs and through the house. Oops, there goes the hallway table. Never liked it anyway, only good for dumping stakes on at the end of patrol. But I really don't want to have to re-buff the floor. Huh. Buffing Buffy. Buffy the Buffer. Xander would love. Xander doesn't love anything right now.

"Okay, Xander, I've got them. What do you wanna do?"

"Stake him."

"Uh huh. Apart from that. Leave him here? Take him inside? It's your call. I'm easy." I think I just said the wrong thing cos now Xander's glaring at me like it's me he wants to stake. What was it? What did I do?

"Oh yeah, Buffy, you're easy alright. Easy on the eyes, easy for any passing vamp, the more evil the better. Did you give it up to Angelus? What about Dracula? Cos they all got a nibble, right? What else did they get?" So that would be it and. hey, is he calling me a tramp? Cos that's just low. I mean.

Great, now we get a response from Spike. I can see his eyes change, glow a little gold. Xander hasn't noticed but he will any second. Move it, Summers, get the vamp chained and the schizo best friend into the house. Anyway you have to.

"Okay, not going there or anywhere till Spike's tied down and it's just you and me. I really don't want to talk about my love life in front of the bleached wonder. He might start thinking he's missed out. Cos you now, the nibbling thing? Not Spike. Not ever. Let's get this done. You in, Xander? Can you do this?" I hand the end of the mass of chain to Xander cos, yey me, I got one end free. And the rest sort of came undone during my dash. He takes the end and catches Spike across the face with it as he drops him and throws the chain over the lowest branch. I flinch but don't say anything. And Spike. well, Spike has gone back to being impassive. Jeez, it's like he's some sort of 'bot. Really don't wanna go there.

Xander's now got Spike strung up from the tree branch with his toes just brushing the ground. That's gotta hurt. And just to make sure, Xander gives the last bit of chain a tug, his lips twitching, almost smiling, as the bonds pull Spike's arms up a little further. Mustn't think about Spike hurting cos, on the plus side, no circulation. Can't think about Xander loving the torture cos I'm getting flashes of Spike post-Glory. Mustn't think about anything. Just gotta get in the house, lay myself open and try to get through to the man who's the nearest thing I've got to a brother.