Done Waiting - chapter 3

I'm standing in the doorway, looking back across the garden at Xander. I've gotta get him inside before he does anything I regret. Okay, so too late on that one. Maybe before he does anything else I regret. I'm trying not to think about how disturbed I am to see Spike strung up like a vampire pinata. Xander would be only too happy to hit Spike a few times with a wooden stick. Once would be enough in the right spot but Xander's in the mood to play. Does he realise he's kinda doing what he used to despise Spike for? And that Spike hasn't done anything like that in years? Even to demons. It scares the Hell out of me that the one I should trust is going psycho on me and the one I'm supposed to be wary of needs my protection. And that I want to protect him. Totally freaky.

"Are you coming inside, Xander? I kinda want to sit down after patrol and I'm gonna raid the fridge. Wanna join me? Come on. Spike's not going anywhere."

I watch with a sick feeling in my stomach as Xander uses a roundhouse punch to get Spike spinning in his chains. There's nothing you can do, Buffy. You've gotta ride this one out and stop it coming to a sticky - or dusty - end. My instincts are yelling at me to let Spike lose. Have I mentioned how much this gives me the wiggins? But I know that any sign of sympathy or support for Spike on my part is gonna send Xander over the edge. All I've got to figure out now is how Xander reached the edge at all. Am I being really dumb here, cos I swear all was rosy in the Scooby garden till tonight. How could things have got so bad so fast? It's not even an hour since I was slaying a fledgling in Spike's old cemetery. And reminding myself that I didn't miss him. And I didn't want to check out his crypt. And I didn't need to anyway cos he'd be waiting when I got home. Only an hour since I had to put a check on the warm feeling I got from knowing Spike would be here. Cos there is no room in my bright and shiny, newly- appreciated life for an evil, undead, soulless, bloodsucking fiend. Even if he is hot as hell and cooler than Ben and Jerry's.

And currently swinging in the breeze on my front lawn. Thank God the neighbours stopped asking questions years ago. Sometime around the zombie incident. Mrs Hewlett two doors down never got over her Jimmy coming to visit - four months after she'd buried him.

Xander brushes past me on his way through the door and I can't help pulling back. Bad move on my part. Cos' he feels me flinch away and turns on me with disgust in his eyes.

"That's right, Buffy. Evil undead can fuck you six ways from Sunday but the Xan man mustn't touch. What would you do if it had been me that night, huh? Cos I'm not seeing any get-your-own-back where Spike's concerned. He can rape you and you get all protecty. All I've ever done is backed you up and you can't bear me near you. Maybe I should try pinning you down. How about that?" The words are hard but he stays back, doesn't even raise a hand towards me.

Sometimes I think he forgets how much we've gone through.

"Well, Xander, if I remember it right I forgave you."

A look of horror crosses his face - kinda like the look on Spike's face when I kicked him off me in the bathroom - and like Spike, Xander backs into the wall. Only the steps are behind him and he falls on his ass.

"Huh? I mean.. what, what are you saying?"

"Don't you remember Xander? You went all hyena boy on me and - how did you put it? - oh yeh, pinned me down. Funny, didn't think you'd forget that. But, of course, you did, didn't you? The spell made you forget. Just like the spell made you do it. Isn't that right?" I hadn't realised I was still angry about that. Cos it's been like, what, five years? And it's never been mentioned. Forgiven and forgotten. At least I thought so. Guess I was wrong cos right now I want to beat up Xander far more than I want to beat up Spike. And who knew that could ever happen?

"I, I. I don't know what you're talking about. I've never hurt you. I wouldn't. Jeez, Buffy, you're the Slayer. I couldn't get near you if you didn't let me. You know that". All the disgust and anger have slipped from his face and been replaced with panic. Why the Hell can't he stop lying. Did he really think I didn't know the whole story? Giles may like, even love, the Scoobies but he's my Watcher and he knew I'd need to know. The same day we got Xander back he told me. The spell brought out the worst in people, the stuff that shouldn't see the light, it didn't make them something they were totally incapable of being. Like hypnosis, he said. You can't make people do what isn't already inside them, however deep it's buried. And the spell didn't include amnesia.

And I get that Xander would never mean to do it, that it was hyena plus teenage hormones plus power rush, yada, yada, yada. Cos I've been there. Kinda. When Spike's chip stopped working on me and he could be the Big Bad again. I felt the power I had over him. He could hurt me but I could hurt him more. And hormones? Christ, I was on heat after every fight. What Xander did to me, what Spike did even, I did every chance I got. Even better, Spike let me. So no guilt. But I felt the rush every time. I thought I'd forgiven Xander for being. overwhelmed. long before I felt it myself. And maybe that's why I've missed Spike, even though I shouldn't.

But Xander's still on the floor, babbling away, pretending not to know what I'm talking about.

"Xander, can it. I know. I've known all along. There was no forgetting. It was you. Not normal you, maybe, but still you."

And he starts to cry. Crap, if he wasn't broken before he sure as hell is now. All the anger drops away, from him and me. I can touch him now cos he's my Xander not the nut job who was playing torture games on my front lawn. So I go to hug him, cos that's what friends do, right?

But as I start towards him he slips away, showing more agility than you'd expect from a sobbing ball of guilt and psychosis. The kind of agility he should use against vamps but never has. Great, what a time to learn stealth tactics! He's pushed himself up the wall. He's not made a run for it yet but I can see he's ready to, so I stop moving. Just hold out my hand. Please, please let him take it. But he looks from my upturned palm to my face with disbelief, shaking his head.

"It's my fault. You and Spike. It's my fault. Cos you forgave me, decided it was alright for us to hurt you as long as we loved you. That's it, isn't it?" Hold on a minute! Where does he get his ideas from? What is this? And, can you say screwy? I've heard some b.s. in my time - mostly from Spike, though Angel and Dawn come close seconds - but this is way beyond anything else.

"Xander, get off the guilt trip. You have nothing, nothing to do with me and Spike. Or me and anyone else. You got it? We're talking very different situations. Do you understand? And where the Hell do you get off thinking one fucked up spell was gonna make me Miss Masochist 2001? Hello! If you're gonna blame my past why not Riley's old favourite - Angel was a vamp and that means I want, wanted, Spike as a replacement. Or Willow's - I was lonely and Spike took advantage. Or Dawn's - he loved me and true love always wins? Get over yourself already." I walk past him into the front room, making sure I don't get too close and spook him again. I sit on the sofa and look back at Xander still pressed against the wall.

"Please, just come and sit down. Talk to me. Don't jump to conclusions or throw accusations, against me, yourself or anyone else."

He drops his head into his hands and hunches his shoulders. I think he's gonna start crying again. If he does I don't know what I'll do. In my own head one voice is saying 'hold him, protect him, love him', the same voice that was scared for Spike. Another is saying 'if you hit him he might shut up'. And that's the voice I'm used to where Spike's concerned. It only talks about Xander on special occasions. And today's no one's birthday. And no one's died. Yet. So it can't be that.

But it's okay, kinda, cos after taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh that would do Angel proud, Xander comes towards me. On the plus side he sits on the sofa, on the minus it's as far from me as he can get without falling off. I reach out my hand again and this time he takes it.

"I should have said sorry years ago but maybe better late than never. Buffy, I'm sorry. I was a hyena, well kinda, but I was also sex obsessed teenage Xander. I always hoped you'd never find out about the Xander part. You know I never wanted you like that, right? I mean sex, yeah, but not. not hurting you. You know that, don't you" Yep, he's totally back. I can see it in his eyes. Now to keep him here.

"I do know, I always did. And it doesn't matter anymore. But we're not here to talk about that. What happened out there? Staking Spike, yeh, I get that. Used to be my favourite game. Will I, won't I, tonight or tomorrow. It's kinda fun, if you like that sort of thing. But what you were doing was way beyond that. And. you were getting off on it. You scared me and you've never done that before." I watch as too many expressions to count cross his face. Sometimes I forget that Xander thinks and feels more than he lets on. Hey, won't forget again in a hurry.

He scoots a bit closer, taking my hand in both of his.

"What I said about it being my fault, you and Spike, I know that's not it. But Buff, I don't know what is. And I hate what he did to you but not as much as I hate that you let him.. get close. Or that it wasn't just you. Cos I came in second again, you know?"

"I don't understand." Understatement of the year. "What do you mean, you came second?"

Xander's look down at our joined hands, to where he's stroking the back of my fingers, almost shyly.

"It wasn't just you. Or him. It's about how it's always been. First Angel gets you, then Riley but never me. But I got over that. I got Anya. And I loved her, love her still, even though I screwed up. But I lost Anya. And who gets to pick up the pieces? Spike. And he got you too. Christ, even Dawn likes him more than she likes me. Cos I was kinda proud of that, the whole teenage crush thing. That she thought I was cool. Not many people have thought I was cool. So what? Xander gets a sparkly set of green eyes. Do they suit me? You don't have to answer that. I might've got past all that - hey, miracles happen and we are on the Hellmouth - but he hurt you. And I wanted. I wanted to win this one. Can you get that?"

Oh, I get it. I guess part of me already did cos none of this is being all big and revalationy. No eurekas in sight. And I remember how I felt seeing Spike and Anya on the table. I could've gone a round of 'Kick the Spike' right then. But I didn't have a good enough excuse. I used not to need one but.. I'd already done enough beating on Spike by then to last a lifetime. Or two. Oh crap, why is it never simple?

"Yeh, Xander, I get it. But what you did was beyond a little pay back. Were you really that pissed at Spike or was there more. Cos you weren't so easy on me, either."

He drops my hand and puts both of his to his head again. What is that, anyway? Like he can't look at me. Or he's hiding. Like a kid playing peek-a-boo. Dawn could keep that going for hours when she was little. Until I'd start tickling her and then her hands would be busy trying to push mine away. But there's nothing childish in Xander's gesture. It's too old, too tired. God, we're only just into our twenties and we're all so old already. Spike, with his hundred plus years, seems younger than us sometimes. When Xander starts to speak again his voice is muffled, caught in his fingers.

"I was angry with you. I've never been that angry with you before. You were.. defending him. After all he's done. You took his side. It hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. That's all. What I said.. it wasn't all about you. Cos some of it.. I wanted to say to Anya. But I'm not allowed to. Cos I'm in the wrong. You know? And she won't listen to how sorry I am, so she sure as Hell won't let me be angry at her. And I still don't understand it. Why you went with Spike, why you lied, how you can forgive him now. Or why I let go of Anya and then she went with Spike. Cos none of it makes sense. Have you noticed how nothing seems to make sense? And Willow's not really here anymore and Tara totally isn't. One of 'em could've explained, don't you think? But it just stopped making sense. I think it happened when you died."

It all goes back to when I died. I could explain that it stopped making sense to me long before that but it's not the time. Maybe he's right, that Willow or Tara could've explained. I know I sure can't. But Willow hasn't been Willow for a while now. Like I died and old Willow went with me. Then Tara died and took most of what was left. And we all got lost. I thought I found my way back this summer but I guess I was wrong. Cos these days I don't care enough or I care too much, there's no balance. And Xander.. he's even more lost than me.

"I don't know, Xan, I haven't got any answers. I don't even know where to look for them. I don't think we get to understand. We just have to accept. Or we go kinda nuts."

"But don't you hate Spike now, for what he did to you and what he did with Anya? How come he strolls back into town and the first thing you do is protect him?"

Good question. Wish I had an answer.

"It's not the first time I've seen him. He's been back a while now. I haven't talked to him. I can't. I don't know what to say or do. I've got to figure that one out. I need time to figure it out, Xander. Can you give me that?"

Okay, I guess not, cos he's heading out the door, pulling it to behind him. And somehow I can't get the damn thing open, cos my fingers are fumbling with the lock. Oh screw the call out fee for the locksmith. I'll just break it and worry about it later.

"Xander, please don't. Whatever you're gonna do, don't." And I pray to whatever that he can hear me through the door, that he'll listen. But I'm through now and I can see that it doesn't matter what's been said. He's got a firm hold on Spike and a stake ready to swing. Even with Slayer speed I can't get to him before Spike is dust. And I'm almost too tired to try.

"Buffy, it's the only way to finish it. He's back to being stalker guy and you don't know when he'll come after you again. I won't play with him anymore. I'll make it quick. For you. But it's the only way."

I'm frozen as I watch the stake carve an arc through the air and I close my eyes. I don't want to see this.

Then I hear a gasp from Xander and look up. Anya's there in demon face, holding Xander's wrist just short of Spike's chest. What the.. ? She looks Xander right in the eye as she speaks.

"You cannot hurt Spike. It's not allowed. He's one of ours now."