A/N - Should've said this last time. Sorry for the delay in updating, life got in the way. Which was very rude of it but what can you do? Also a big thank you to those of you who have been kind enough to review here and at Crumbling Walls. It's very much appreciated and I hope you continue to enjoy this story. Okay, enough from me as me, time to slip on the Buffy persona. Which, of course, doesn't belong to me. It's kinda like borrowing your sister's clothes, or brother's... whatever. Not mine. Enjoy.



Done Waiting - chapter 6

This is me, my back against the front door and wondering what the Hell I've got myself into. This seemed like such a good idea outside. Hey, no fighting if there's no one there to fight, right? Great theory if me and Spike in the same room wasn't a recipe for World War Three. Kinda got the idea that Spike's not in a fighting mood though. Maybe we'll be okay.

I can still hear Xander and Anya outside. They're busy arguing about who gets to come in and save their respective charge. Like we need it! Like they'd get in anyway. If I'm lucky they'll spend the rest of the night fighting over that and never get as far as attempting to get inside. My money's on Anya. The mood she's in she could take Xander in under a minute. And not in a good way. Eww, mental image of the 'sexcapades' Anya could never shut up about. Really not missing that side of her personality. Guess she's got more to think about these days, with the cursing and all. Even though she's been more defendery than vengancy. In fact, if she'd been defending anyone but Spike I'd probably've been leading the squad in the 'Go Anya' cheer. Whatever.

"Anya, I don't want to argue with you. I'm gonna check on Buffy then... I don't know... Could we talk?"

"You can check on Buffy only if I can check on Spike. Then we can talk about talking. Maybe. I will give it my consideration. You can hold your breath if you like. But first, oh wise one, how do you plan to do the checking?"

"Wanna bet the backdoor's unlocked? Buffy won't have done the rounds yet and it was open earlier."

Crap! Score on for the glorified bricklayer - go away, Spike. Not ready for you yet and I sure don't need you in my head - Xander's right about the backdoor. So time to call on Slayer speed again. Spike yelps as I pass him on my whirlwind way to the kitchen.

"Owwwwww!!!!" Okay, what moron left a chair in the doorway?

No time for that. I can hear the twins of sweetness and light coming round the side of the house and I'm tangled in this... Damn... life-of-it's-own chair!

"You okay Slayer?" Oh yeh, just peachy. Being eaten by an inanimate object but, hey, this is the Hellmouth so no biggy. Gotta get to the damn door. Or...

"Spike, lock the back door. Now. Don't look at me like I've grown horns - oh God, I haven't, have I? Sorry, course not. Right - just lock the door. Xander and Anya are on their way round and if they get in they'll never leave. Which means an even longer night. Or a very short one, depending on if Xander's found his stake and how much more he needs to vent. Capice?" A look of horror crosses Spike's face, then in a move of pure grace - and could I fell any more of a clutz? - he's at the back door, turning the key. Seconds before the handle turns and Xander starts to swear. Okay, just this once, yay Spike!

And I finally manage to get free of the chair. But I'm still sitting on the floor, kinda embarrassed, and even less sure that this is a good idea. I really have no idea what to do. At least outside I had to do something. Okay, so I didn't know what and I was majorly wigged out, but still... now I don't even know where to look. But guess what? Don't need to figure that one out cos' right in my eye-line is Spike's hand, held out to help me up. I can't resist taking a quick peek at his face as I mutter thanks and accept the offer. There really should be something different about him. But I guess there is 'cos he seems to be having trouble looking at me too.

Now we're stood there, hand in hand, in the kitchen doorway. And neither of us knows what to do. Good, huh? There's something familiar about this, something... nice. But this isn't the time or the place. And why am I even considering that it ever could be? How many times am I gonna have to give myself a mental slap? This. Is. Spike! We will not have warm and fuzzy thoughts. Okay? Check.

Spike looks kinda hurt as I hurriedly drop his hand and put my own behind my back. Gotto get down to business. And what have we said about Spike thoughts? Business... if I think of it as research maybe I'll get through this. Hey, I can tell Giles about this later. He'll be speechless from shock at research-volunteer-Buffy. Maybe we can all have a laugh about it later. When the gang's actually talking. 'Cos you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. And I'll just go sign up for Disneyland now. But I've gotta hope that there will be a time when we're all laughing. Even Spike. Even Willow. I wouldn't mind a few giggles myself. Whatever happened to the kids who really enjoyed their lives? Who managed to have fun inspite of things that go bump in the night? I really miss them. Us.

But this isn't the time for memory lane, not for me anyhow. Spike's a different matter 'cos I need the background history to this soul-having, vengeance-getting deal. I wonder how he's dealing. Not too bad by the look of it. Better than the only other soul-vamp I know. So how different is this?

"Maybe I could call Angel and ask." Oh my God, I just said that out loud!

"No bleeding way! I am not having the Poof descending on me like the barbarian hoards on Rome and drowning me in additional angst and remorse. Got enough of my own, thanks all the same. He'll either want to kick me from here to kingdom come, stake me on principle, try to bloody empathise - like he'd have a bleeding clue about getting a soul by choice, well sort of, rather than as indigestion - or act like some sort of mother hen with one chick. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'broody vampire'. Ain't gonna happen, luv. I'd be outta here faster than you can dial the number."

"But he might be able to help, you know, 'cos he's been there."

"No!" You know Willow's resolve face? It's nothing compared to Spike's. Oh well, I can always call Angel later after Spike's gone... home... or wherever. See if he's got any advice. 'Cos me? Right now I'm clueless.

"I mean it, Buffy. Don't even think about it. Tell Angel and you won't see me for dust. Sorry, bad analogy. But I'll be gone." Does he realise how big a threat that really is? I've been waiting for him to come back, waiting to talk or something since he actually got back, and the idea of not knowing where he is again scares me. 'Cos I know that this time if he left he'd go for good. And I won't tell him but I can't sleep so well when I don't know what's happening to him. Don't even like admitting it to myself.

"Okay, Spike. I promise not to tell Angel. Or let anyone else tell him. Not like they would 'cos, hey, his Sunnydale fanclub is kinda low on members. So I don't see anyone rushing to spread the news."

I turn to head back to the front room and trip over the chair I've only just got free of. But before I hit the ground, again, Spike catches me. Spike's holding me. I'm in Spike's arms. Why has my brain frozen?

I should be the one to back off but before I get that idea moving I find I'm standing on my own again. Since when did Spike stop taking every opportunity to touch me? Am I Miss Ugly now? Doesn't he want me anymore? And why the Hell should I care? So I'm just standing there feeling like a total idiot as he heads towards the couch.

"Come on, luv, lets get this little party started so all good slayers can get their well deserved rest and all bad vamps can go do what they do before the sun makes 'em explode." Okay, he's all Mr Calm-and-unconcerned. That's my job. I can do serene. Just watch me.

So I follow him and take a seat at the other end of the couch. Look at me being all cool and collected.

"Slayer, stop jiggling about like you've got ants in your pants. D'you need the loo or something?"

Okay, maybe not so cool and collected after all.

"I'm kinda thirsty. All this running around. Do you want a drink, Spike? I've got all sorts. No blood, sorry. Haven't needed to keep any around. But I've got water and... well, maybe not all sorts. Haven't got the groceries yet. Oh! Do you want some hot chocolate? I've got some of that! You like that, right? And... and... I think we've got marshmallows. And Willow made some cookies. But Dawn might have eaten them all. But I can check -" Could I sound anymore like Willow after her fifth mocha?

"For crying out loud, Buffy, sit down. I'm fine. Let's get the inquisition over and done with."

"You sure you don't want hot chocolate?" Do you think he's noticed I'm being all avoidy? I was doing so well before he got back. But I guess once a procrastinator always a procrastinator. So I picked up some big words when I was studying to get back in college. Sue me.

"Buffy, luv, why would I want hot chocolate? It's bloody boiling outside! Stop trying to avoid the issue and just bloody ask me whatever it is you dragged me in here to ask. And stop jumping around. You're making me dizzy."

Jeez, just trying to be a good hostess. No need to get with the yelling. But he's right. The sooner this is done the sooner I can get to bed and Spike can leave. I wonder if he'll wanna use the couch ? No, too sunny and Willow might open the curtains 'cos that girl is short a few brain cells right now. Still smarter than anyone I know, except Giles maybe, but not too good on the noticing of things. Like flammable house guests. Oooo! He could use the camp bed in the basement. That's pretty free of natural light. I could make breakfast. Go get some blood... and I can't believe I'm even thinking about this!

"Come on, luv. Time's a wasting. Last thing you want is me stuck here all day. Could do your rep no end of harm." Duh, shows what you know, Spike.

"Look, I'm not gonna bite. I told you, you can ask me anything. Anything at all. And I'll try not to laugh this time, alright?" And he's watching me, all open and honest with that slightly lost look in his eyes that's been tugging at me for the last couple of weeks. Is that the change I was looking for? Was it there before he went away? Funny, I'm not sure. Spent too long avoiding looking him in the eye, I guess.

"So, how many vampires have you made?" I figure we're supposed to be doing the heart to heart thing so why not ask the question that's always been at the back of my mind.

"D'know." He's still looking at me, head to one side, watching my reaction. I'd say there was no remorse on his face but... it's not that there isn't, cos that's been there since he got back, it's just... well, there's no new remorse. Like it doesn't matter.

"What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know? I thought it was meant to be, like, a vamp's version of a religious experience!"

He almost smiles. Which is kinda sick, if you think about the topic. What's worse is it's also kinda... cute. He hasn't really smiled at all since he got back, just the occasional hint of a smirk or a laugh. Even when he was laughing at me earlier his face was serious again at the end of it. But this looked like it was gonna be a real smile and I don't know if I've ever seen one of those. I dreamt about it - and know way is he ever knowing that! - and, I'm not sure cos I kinda blanked the memories, I guess it was there under Willow's 'I want everyone to do as I say even if it's embarrassing, painful or down right wrong' spell. Yeh, yeh, I know - 'do my will' but really, ego trip much?

"It's not like that, luv. Yeh, Siring a childe is meant to be pretty bloody amazing but I wouldn't know. Never did that. Made minions when I needed them but that's kind of a hiring and firing gig. Almost routine. Dusted most of them myself cos they were bloody useless. Didn't tend to go for a long interview process, if you catch my drift. Turn now, repent at leisure. Or not repent. Just get hacked of and sack 'em. In a rather permanent manner." No, not a smile but something almost... wistful? Oh God, please tell me he doesn't miss it.

"Don't hear a lot of repentance there, Spike. Seems more like you wish you could still do it."

"Course not, on both counts. Don't wish I could still do it but I do wish I didn't feel bad about things. I miss the lack of conscience. It was a hell of a lot easier to live with. Guilt sucks, in a really unfulfiling, in-no-way-like a good feed, way. But there's no repentance about minions. I know it wasn't a good thing to do but turning someone isn't where the guilt lies, Slayer. The guilt comes from killing them in the first place. Killing anyone, whether they became one of the gang or stayed six feet under, pursuing their eternal rest. Lucky bastards. It doesn't matter what they became after, just that they went from living to... not living. That's what I repent. That's what I have to atone for."

Okay, so that kinda makes sense but... "Don't you feel bad about all the people your minions killed? Those lives that were lost because you made more vamps?"

And there's that hint of a smile again.

"Fraid not, luv. Cos I don't know how many died. Won't be that many cos I always kept a tight rein. If there was gonna be a blood bath then it was me and Dru in the thick of it. My sins. Never let the minions have too much fun in case it spoiled mine. And I tended to turn unsavoury characters who'd get the idea of me being top dog and already knew how to hold their own. Didn't care about brains and didn't want the hassle of training them up. Reckon most of them held human life cheap before they ever crossed my path. Doubt being turned changed their kill ratio much, just altered their M.O."

Huh. Okay, guess that covers the vamp history. For now, anyway. Now what about this soul?

"Does it hurt?" I'm tempted to touch his hand. It's like I feel he needs reassuring or something. The walking, talking image of confidence and arrogance needing reassurance? Yeh, right.

"Does what hurt? Thinking about the dead?" Okay, guess Spike didn't keep up with my mental leaps.

"No, well, yeh. What I meant was the soul. Did it.. does it hurt? 'Cos when Ang -" Really gotta watch my mouth. Can't go talking about he who shall not be named. Can't risk Spike disappearing again.

"It's alright, Buffy, you can say 'is name. Just don't want him knowing is all. You're thinking about his 'hundred years of brooding and forgetting about personal hygiene', right? He didn't go mad, you know. Even followed us out to China and tried to get on Darla's good side. Get back with the family. And the rat eating thing. From what I've heard that only lasted a few years. Now, I'm not saying he didn't feel it - don't see how he couldn't and it's not like he was able to hunt humans - but don't go getting the idea was lost in darkness till he met you. He's never been a bleeding saint. Never will be. Nor will I. It's a soul, a conscience, not a guarantee of purity. But that's not what you wanted to know, is it? Yeh, it hurts. Burns, I guess. But life wasn't all sweetness and light before I got it so I reckon I can live with it."

Okay, back to pissed off Slayer mode. I know he doesn't like Angel, kinda understand why, but no way is it alright to call him a liar. Uh uh, no siree Bob. Spike's startled by my sudden rise from the couch and seems to shrink back as I start pacing in front of him. Gotta tell him it's not on, saying things like that. But if I do, if I start defending Angel, Spike might leave and I'll never... never... get the answers I'm after. Yeh, that's it. I want answers. I want...

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?!?! You calmly sitting there telling me Angel lied to me, that's what's wrong! I know you don't - hmmph!" It's so tempting just to bite Spike's hand right now but... He doesn't look pissed off, just really, really sad. And I guess he wants me to listen, hence the palm over my mouth.

"Pet, please. Sit down. C'mon. Thanks. Now, I take my hand away and you let me explain, alright? Good. Luv, I'm not saying he lied to you. Bloody Hell! He'd actually have to talk to you to lie. What did he ever really tell you, about the soul and how he was? I'm guessing not a lot, 'cos A you were young and he loved your innocence, wouldn't want to besmirch it or whotnot and B 'cos he'd never willingly talk about it to anyone, not his style. But you've got ideas about him, some right and some wrong. I know you love 'im. Know it better than anything else. But I don't think you've ever really seen him. And I don't want you making comparisons between me and him when your view is distorted. And I don't want you thinking that me having a soul instantly makes me pure as the driven snow. I don't want a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card. 'Cos what the soul really does is show me how little I deserve it. How little I deserve you."

I watch as he moves as far from me as he can and still stay on the couch. My head is aching with all the questions, questions, QUESTIONS. This talk is meant to clear things up, not confuse me even more. And now I can't decide whether to hug Spike or beat him, cry or laugh. 'Cos what he's saying is true, I know it is, but now I can't stop thinking about how much I don't know. About Angel. About Spike. About me. Dammit, I like things black and white! Oh God, I'm crying! Guess my body knew what it wanted even while my mind's still chasing it's tale.

I slide off the couch onto the floor. If I can just get grounded I'll be okay. I wrap my arms round my waist, trying to find comfort, anything. 'Cos suddenly it's too much and all the dealing I've done over the summer proves hollow. All I did was tuck the problems away, I never really solved them. But I thought I was so happy. I only felt anything else at night when I was alone. And wished I wasn't. When I dreamt of Spike but woke up without him. Damn you, you stupid... vampire. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Don't you know I need you to hold me? You, not Angel. I don't love him, you idiot. I... I... don't love anyone. But I need... to be held right now.

"Oh luv, don't. Please don't. I'm sorry, so sorry, luv. Please, Buffy, I can't bear it." Oh thank God! He's here, next to me, holding me, stroking my hair.

"Stupid, stupid vampire. Mmmmppphh. Ssshhhniffff! Nnnnyyyah!" Okay, so I know what I meant but I think the translation got lost when I buried my head in his chest.

"Sorry, luv, don't speak gobbledegook. Try Fyarl. I can do that."

Okay, not allowed to make me smile. I'm having a moment here. Not a fun one, I know but still. Have some respect. Spike just hugs me tighter as I try to say this but just sniff and snort. Jeez, how unattractive can you get? I bet I've got panda eyes, I'm dripping more than a Chaos demon and I've gone all monosyllabic. Funny how the word for little words is so big, which is so not important right now. Just have to settle for our old form of communication. So I slap him on the chest.

"That all you got, Slayer? Barely tickled. C'mon, girl, I know you can do better than that. That's it, luv. Let it all out."

There's a touch of deja vu here, a flash of a dark alley. But this so isn't the same. 'Cos I'm batting at him like a kitten with a ball of string and he's chuckling and still stroking my hair. Nuzzling my neck. And this is true comfort. True solace. I feel like I've come home.

Which is why I'm really not happy when Spike abruptly pulls away. Or is that abruptly gets pulled away. What?

"Get the Hell away from my sister, you bastard."

Oh shit. Dawnie's home.