A/N - this comes with a special shout out to the guys at Crumbling Walls
for their encouragement and feedback. And for answering the odd question
for me. Double thanks to Kumi and Trish. It's a longish chapter but I
still feel like I've skipped stuff or fluffed it. Don't usually ask for
reviews but... love to know what you think about this one. Cheers.
Done Waiting - chapter 7
"Don't" kick "touch" kick "my" kick "sister!"
What the Hell is she doing? And why can't she be that tough on patrol? And why is Spike just lying there? And why am I just lying here?
"That's it Dawnie. Go for the balls."
And how the Hell did Xander get back in?
Okay, Buffy, we've got two problems here. One, your little sis is kicking the crap out of Spike and two, Xander's urging her on. Gotta do something about both situations. Spike seems to be okay - if you can call hiding under the coffee table from a teenager with a mean right foot okay. So that situation can wait for a minute. But Xander... he might decide to join the fun at any second and he won't stick with kicking. And if he's here then Anya can't be far behind.
"Yeh, Dawnie, you go girl. Show him - ooouuuffffff!!!" Running full pelt at Xander and using my shoulder to push him out the door might not be subtle but it's certainly effective. And Summers scores a strike! 'Cos Anya was coming through the door and gets catapulted out with him.
"Buffy, what.??" They're both looking up from the bottom of the porch steps, breathless and shocked.
"I won't have you encouraging Dawn to be a hooligan, got it? I told you I wanted you out of the house and I meant it. This time, stay out!" It's amazing how good it can feel to slam a door sometimes.
Now to deal with the youngest Summer's.
"I" kick "won't" kick "let" kick "you" kick "hurt" kick "her!" Who knew she cared so much? It's kinda sweet. Except for the totally unnecessary violence. Wonder where she picked that up?
Better save Spike's butt. 'Cos she might not be having that much effect physically but it won't be good for his pride. And, really, he doesn't deserve it. At all. How could I even think about leaving him under there? After he was so... nice. Jeez, ungrateful much, Buffy?
"Dawn, Dawnie, stop it. Please." She really is stronger than she looks 'cos the moment I touch her she shrugs me off and I'm on the floor again. And tonight's struggle with gravity just keeps on going. But maybe...
"Ow!" Nope, nothing. "Owwwwww!!!!!! Dawnie!" That's it.
"Oh my God, Buffy! Are you okay? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you, 'cos I can-" As she leans down to check me out I pull her into a hug and, thank God, she doesn't struggle. Just clings to me like she'll never let go.
I look over her shoulder and see Spike still under the table. Not exactly a great welcome home when your formerly biggest fan leaves you hiding under the furniture.
"Come on out, Spike. You're not doing much for the decor in here, seeing as how you clash with the carpet. No, Dawn. Stay with me. Let Spike alone for a minute. I think you kinda gave him a shock." I can feel Dawn tensing in my arms and I know if I let her go there is no way Spike's gonna be getting of the floor. Why do I get the feeling it's time for a little sisterly chat? Guess it's kinda my fault for not talking to her when he left. God knows what's going through her head right now.
"Spike, you sit down. Me and Dawnie are gonna go in the kitchen and... you know."
"But Buffy -"
"No, Dawn. It's okay. Let's go get a drink or something, alright?" As I drag a reluctant Dawn through to the other room I look back to see Spike on his feet but shaking. But I can't take care of him now. I've got the troubled teen to deal with.
I sit her down at the counter and grab a couple of soda's from the ice box. She's looking back at the front room and I'm just hoping she doesn't try to run through there. A football tackle would stop her but I don't think it'd solve anything. Little sisters might sometimes act like demons but you kinda get in trouble if you treat them the same.
"Buffy, why is he here? Why did you let him in? When I saw Xander outside and he said Spike was here, I thought he'd be tied up or something. Why's he loose? He's dangerous."
"He's not dangerous."
"But he was attacking you. Again!" Oh boy, talk about getting it wrong. I'm reluctant to tell her what was really going on. Especially the part about how far it might've gone if we weren't interrupted. And it looks like I'm gonna have to have another heart to heart with Xander. Joy.
"He wasn't attacking me. I was upset and... he was... he was comforting me. He won't hurt me. And you know he'd never hurt you, right?"
"See, that's all wrong. 'Cos he attacked you before and he was in love with you! If he did that to you, what's to stop him going after the rest of us? Nothing. He shouldn't even be in the house."
I'm wondering how much I can tell her. What she'll understand. Hell, I don't even understand it myself and I've been around for all of it. What chance has she got? But I won't have her being scared of Spike. It's just so wrong. She's never been scared of him before. She never hated him before. Even when she should've. But that's my Dawnie, never gonna stick to the straight and narrow.
"Dawnie, even if Spike wanted to hurt you - which is so not the case - he can't. Remember?"
That's got her thinking. Which makes me kinda nervous 'cos she's bright and she'll ask me stuff I can't answer. Don't think I'll get away with 'It's complicated' this time. Oh yeh, I can see the wheels turning and that light bulb over her head is kinda blinding.
"The chip! What happened to the chip? No, you said he can't hurt me so the chips still working. So how could he have attacked you. Xander said he tried to... tried to... force you. Did Xander make that up? Ooh, wait till I get him. See how he likes hiding under the coffee table! Oh my God, Spike! I kicked Spike. Like a whole bunch of times. And he's only just got back. What if it makes him go away again? Buffy, what if he thinks I hate him. I mean, I'm pissed 'cos he went away and didn't say anything. And I was real angry when I thought he'd hurt you but... you won't let him go, will you Buffy? We'll make him stay. He'll forgive me, won't he?"
What do I do now? Maybe I should just let her think Xander lied. Save a whole heap of trouble. And he's been such a jerk I wouldn't mind watching Dawn kick the shit out of him. If I tried to do it I'd probably kill him, which is so not of the good. Don't want to get Dawnie into bad habits, though. Time to come clean then. Or a bit, anyway. Maybe settle for a kinda dingy grey.
"Xander didn't lie, he just made a mistake. Sort of. He found me, after Spike had been here, and jumped to conclusions. Me and Spike. Well. We had a fight and... he took things too far. But I don't think he meant to. I think I'd... confused him maybe. What he did was totally out of line and I'm never gonna forgive him, but... that's between me and him. It's nothing to do with you or Xander or anyone else. Spike never meant to hurt me and I know he'll never hurt you. Okay?"
"No, not okay. You're saying he did hurt you, right? How's that possible? And you say you're not gonna forgive him but it sounds like you already have. What's going on, Buffy? Please. Tell me." And my baby sister is growing up. How'd she get so smart. At least when she's just whiney I can send her to her room. But she's being all with the insight. Must've spent too much time with Spike. Or maybe it's a bit of mom.
"When I came back I was... different. I don't just mean depresso Buffy, I mean physically. Tara.. she said my molecular structure was a bit off whack. But no biggy. Only thing was, it meant Spike's chip didn't work on me and it all got a bit crazy. We both did a lot of damage. I'd like to blame Spike but I'd be lying. I was a total bitch. But I though I had the right, you know, what with all the stuff I'd gone through. Like he said, I did a real number on him. So there's a lot of forgiving to be done all round. And him forgiving you for playing 'Kick the Spike' - that's the least of it. He's always gonna love you. That's who he is."
Dawn looks me straight in the eye. It's really disconcerting. She seems to be weighing something up and I just pray I don't fall short. It took along time for us to be able to talk and I really hope I didn't just blow it.
"Okay. We're done here. My best friend's all on his own in the other room and my big sister finally learnt to tell me the truth. I hope. You guys so need to talk. So I'll just say 'hi, welcome back' and head to bed. 'Cos I'm whacked. That okay by you?" She's stood up and has come to stand by my side holding out her hand. I can't think of anything to say so I just nod. Seems to be enough 'cos she gives me a huge smile. I take her hand and we go to make peace with the other member of the triad.
He's sat on the edge of the couch, hands caught between his knees. He looks up as we come in and gives Dawn a shy, little smile. Which turns really nervous as she goes flying across the room towards him. Butit's okay goes she just throws her arms around him, like she did with me earlier, and - again - it's like she has no intention of letting go.
"Spike, I'm so, so, so sorry. You don't hate me, do you?"
"Oh nibblet, I could never hate you. If anything, I'm impressed. You were just trying to protect Buffy. I'm proud of you. Never really gonna hurt me as long as you're still my li'l bit."
"Always. Even though I'm way too big for you to still call me that. I'm just so glad you're back. Buffy explained it all." Now Spike's looking at me, eyes shining. And it's like he can see right through me. The full on Buffy x-ray.
"Did she now." And that's all he says. Let's hope it stays that way 'cos talking to Dawn about it all is bad enough. Talking to Spike about it? Not sure I'm ready for that.
"Yeh, we're good. Dawn just wanted to check on you before heading up to bed. She's got school tomorrow."
Spike stands up and brings Dawn with him, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. They're so close in height now I'm not sure who's taller. He lets her go and Dawn walks over to me. Gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's been a while since she did that and it's nice. More than nice. I think we're okay. I just stand and watch her as she walks to the stairs, throwing a 'night Spike' over her shoulder as she goes. Only to be stopped by Spike.
"Wait up, bit, I've got something for you. Give me a sec." And he starts digging through the pockets of his jeans. God knows how he manages to keep anything in there. I mean, those things are spray on. Show every lump and bump. Outline all the... I've really gotta start looking into therapy.
Jeez, how much stuff does he have in there? He's already dropped two handfuls of paper on the coffee table and there's more to come. Whatever he's got for Dawn is probably squashed beyond all recognition after being pressed so close to his body for God knows how long. Ummm, pressed against Spike for God knows how long. Undisturbed and... It's no good. I've got to get a hobby. Slaying and the day job just leave me too much time with my imagination. And it's working over time. Pity no one's gonna pay me. I'd be raking in the cash. What a way to mix work and pleasure.
"Here you go, nibblet. Found it in Africa, outside this cave I... visited. It's not worth much but it made me think of you. And it's come a long way, thousands of years old, the right colour. Maybe it'll bring you luck or something." He holds out this small, green stone. It looks kinda like jade but it's not. It's all shiney but it's nothing special. I'm not surprised Spike looks embarrassed. It's even worse than those t-shirts that say 'and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'.
"Oh my God! Spike! That's so cool." Well, I guess Dawn likes it.
"It's like me, isn't it. All old and green and shiney. Doesn't look like much-"
"but it's seen more than we'll ever know. Unique. Yeh, li'l 'un, it's like you."
Okay, so I get it. That's kinda neat. Hope he got me something better though. Jeez, Buffy, be grateful if you get anything. Anyway, aren't you just glad he's back?
Dawn gives him another huge hug and Spike's grinning like an idiot. It's... more than I hoped for. And maybe less as well. 'Cos Dawn gets the big smile and I get.. I don't know what I get.
"Dawnie, if you're up to it can you stay here with Spike for a few? I really need to go take a shower." And before she can answer I'm heading up the stairs. I head into the bathroom and it takes a few moments for the ghosts to surface. And when they do I'm surprised how easily I can push them away. It's just a room. Finally. After a whole summer of avoiding this place and jumping at shadows, it's just a room.
I don't rush but I don't take as long as I'd like either. I've given my head a chance to clear a little and got rid of the layer of... fear, I guess. It comes of real easy, which is kinda strange when it's been building for so long. I know I'm not free and clear yet, but at least the end seems in sight now. I go to my room to dry off and realise I've spent nearly as long in front of my wardrobe as I did in the shower. I want to look nice. Screw that. I wanna look hot. Even though I know, in the past, I could wear anything and Spike would still want me. But this time it's more about making sure he knows I want him. Even if I'm not ready to say it out loud. Okay, over thinking this. Just throw your pants, top and shoes and get back down stairs.
I can hear Dawn moving around in her room as I go past. Guess it's just me and Spike then. Good.
And there he is, on the couch.
He's out for the count. He looks a little fragile, like sleep isn't something he gets much of. Boy, can I relate to that. He's kinda cute, but the mouth hanging open look looses him points on the hottiness scale. Still looks almost edible. Which totally sucks, when you're on a Spike -free diet. It's nearly as bad as that time I swore of chocolate 'cos I wanted to get into those new pants. Makes you wonder if the diet's really worth it.
I try and be quiet as I move to the coffee table. Jeez, Spike ever thought of using a waste basket instead of your pockets? I start sorting through all the scraps of paper. No, I'm not prying, just tidying is all. Who buys two hundred cigarettes at one go? He gets a receipt for his blood? 'To do list - figure out what I've got to do'. You know, Spike, you really are a freak.
'Another season of changes.
Not a falling of leaves
Or the tides turning,
But a re-evaluation brings
The bittersweet tang
Of bridges burning.'
"What's this? A prophesy?
The paper gets taken out of my hand. Guess he's awake. Hopefully he didn't wake up grumpy, 'cos I feel like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
"Not unless Rocky shoved in a bit of pre-cog along with the soul." No, doesn't sound pissed. Just tired. Maybe I should tell him there's a nice, warm bed upstairs. Maybe not. Still haven't covered all the bases and it's way too soon to start down that road again. Funny, I'm not really doubting that we're heading that way. But not yet.
"So, what is it?" He's stroking the paper, trying to get the creases out. He doesn't answer straight away and I wonder if he's going to. Then I wonder why he's bothered straightening the scrap out 'cos he just shoves it back in his pocket.
"Poem." He's looking at me as if he dares me to say something.
"Oh. It's... nice. What's it about?"
"C'mon, pet, you don't need me to tell you that. What d'you think it's about?" I sit down next to him and take a moment to think. It's not hard but... it's like it's a test and I don't want to get it wrong. I'm still hoping I'm gonna get the prize.
"Uh. Well. Change? Yeh, change. But what about the end?"
"You really don't know? Luv, you may act thick at times but we both know better. What are you scared of? It's not like you're gonna upset me or something. Not like that should matter."
"You've... lost something? Something you can't get back. It all changed and you can only go forward. What've you lost?"
"Oh Buffy, what haven't I lost? Peace of mind. Conviction. Hope. Myself. I'd say I lost you, but I never had you so that's a moot point, isn't it? Got a soul and a whole hell of a lot of thoughts I never had before. Got a bit of William swimming round my head, but I'm not him and he's not me. Got all these bits and pieces that don't rightly fit together. And it's damned hard to think of a reason why I should care. But I can't seem to stop."
I'm really not cut out for this. I can help if something needs killing or maiming but I can't do the touchy feely thing. If I could, I'd do it for me. I guess I should be glad that Spike doesn't seem to expect anything from me. Doesn't expect me to be able to help. Only trouble is, I want to. I'm thinking he deserves to expect something from me. Something that isn't a blow to the nose. Or the ego.
"You haven't lost Dawn. She'll always love you. And... didn't someone say you should never give up hope?"
No-one should be able to smile and look so sad at the same time. I can't remember when I last felt worse for someone else than for myself. But I'm starting not to care what's happened in the past. Looking at Spike is like looking in the mirror at myself when I came back. Whatever else, I've gotta give Spike a little of what he gave to me.
"We missed you. You know what happened while you were gone, right? I don't know if you coulda done anything but... I think it might have been easier if you'd been here. And then you coulda joined in the 'The-world- hasn't-ended' party. Not that there was much of a party but you woulda been the life and..." Smooth Summers, real smooth. Now he looks even worse.
"So. The poem. Did you write it yourself? Sorry, stupid question. I get what it means but why did you write it? Why keep it?"
"Sometimes... sometimes there's too much in my head. It's gotta go somewhere. So I right it down. Clear things up a bit. No one to talk to about all this. No one would get it. So... I write."
"Funny. I woulda thought you'd be embarrassed. 'Cos I found it. You really didn't want anyone to know you used to be a poet. I mean, before."
"Don't be daft, luv. Got bigger worries than that. Anyway, who'd care? No one'd give a toss that Spikey's gone all bohemian and bleeding hearts. It serves a purpose, doesn't it? Stops me going mad. Mind you, that'd probably be relief."
"You wanna go mad? Hello, does Drusilla ring any bells?"
"Low blow, Slayer. Yeh, she was a sandwich short of a picnic, totally out of her tree most of the time. But she was happy. Well, usually. Wish I could say the same. Ah well, guess I don't deserve to be. Gotta pay for my crimes, after all."
And suddenly I don't feel like it's about his crimes anymore. It's about mine. 'Cos he was just following his nature. Me? I did the opposite. I took all the lessons from Angelus and Parker. From every bad-ass, end-the- world demon I ever fought. Learnt my lessons well and turned them all on Spike. I took his desire for me, his doubts about himself, and used them to break him. 'Cos the ones I loved broke me, right? So, if he loved me he had to break too. And if he didn't really love me, if he was lying, he'd be fine. And I'd win. Is that it? Is that what I was?
"Luv? Buffy? What is it? Come on, girl, snap out of it. Christ, Slayer, come back. You look like you did when Glory got the bit. You still in there? Please, luv, you're scaring me." How can he look at me after what I've done? How can he care so much? He's touching me with such tenderness. Grounding me again.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be daft, pet. As long as you're okay - are you okay? - you've got nothing to be sorry for."
I'm I his arms for the second - no, third - time tonight. I don't deserve this. But he does. All he ever tried to do was touch me, hold me. I'm the one who turned it into something else. This thing he has with my hair. He's stroking me again. Like a treasured pet. One of those expensive cats that scratches without warning. But their owners still love them. I wonder how he'd take it if I started purring? I think I could live with being owned by Spike. As long as I can own him too.
"You loved me."
"Well, yeh. Kept telling you so. Reckon I always will. Sorry 'bout that. I'll try to keep it quiet. Know it makes you uncomfortable an' all." Oh Spike, don't pull away! Dammit, still thinking about me, aren't you Spike? Think that you're making me uncomfortable, when you're really making me more at peace, less scattered than I can remember. But you're right. Now's not the time. I wish someone would just tell me when it is the time. Wish I could figure out why I have to wait. That's right, I remember, I'm scared and trying to be sensible. 'Cos that's always worked so well for me in the past. And this time I have to be sure that I won't hurt Spike anymore. I know he won't hurt me. The poor guy's past broken and out the other side. And he wears it so well.
So if we're not going to cuddle then I need a distraction. Ooh, maybe I can get my present now?
"So you got Dawn a present. Which she totally loved. Did you get anything for me?"
He's looking at me - a little puzzled, a little hurt. How did I hurt him this time?
"Course I did, luv. Guess this means you don't like it. Pity that. Bugger to get and I don't think they do refunds or exchanges."
"Huh?" What don't I like? Oh shit. Of course. How come so much of this has been about me but I only just get it? I think the world revolves around me - well, at least Anya thinks so - Spike's shown me, time after time, that his world turns around me. So of course he got me a present. The one thing I kept saying I needed.
He got me a soul.
Done Waiting - chapter 7
"Don't" kick "touch" kick "my" kick "sister!"
What the Hell is she doing? And why can't she be that tough on patrol? And why is Spike just lying there? And why am I just lying here?
"That's it Dawnie. Go for the balls."
And how the Hell did Xander get back in?
Okay, Buffy, we've got two problems here. One, your little sis is kicking the crap out of Spike and two, Xander's urging her on. Gotta do something about both situations. Spike seems to be okay - if you can call hiding under the coffee table from a teenager with a mean right foot okay. So that situation can wait for a minute. But Xander... he might decide to join the fun at any second and he won't stick with kicking. And if he's here then Anya can't be far behind.
"Yeh, Dawnie, you go girl. Show him - ooouuuffffff!!!" Running full pelt at Xander and using my shoulder to push him out the door might not be subtle but it's certainly effective. And Summers scores a strike! 'Cos Anya was coming through the door and gets catapulted out with him.
"Buffy, what.??" They're both looking up from the bottom of the porch steps, breathless and shocked.
"I won't have you encouraging Dawn to be a hooligan, got it? I told you I wanted you out of the house and I meant it. This time, stay out!" It's amazing how good it can feel to slam a door sometimes.
Now to deal with the youngest Summer's.
"I" kick "won't" kick "let" kick "you" kick "hurt" kick "her!" Who knew she cared so much? It's kinda sweet. Except for the totally unnecessary violence. Wonder where she picked that up?
Better save Spike's butt. 'Cos she might not be having that much effect physically but it won't be good for his pride. And, really, he doesn't deserve it. At all. How could I even think about leaving him under there? After he was so... nice. Jeez, ungrateful much, Buffy?
"Dawn, Dawnie, stop it. Please." She really is stronger than she looks 'cos the moment I touch her she shrugs me off and I'm on the floor again. And tonight's struggle with gravity just keeps on going. But maybe...
"Ow!" Nope, nothing. "Owwwwww!!!!!! Dawnie!" That's it.
"Oh my God, Buffy! Are you okay? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you, 'cos I can-" As she leans down to check me out I pull her into a hug and, thank God, she doesn't struggle. Just clings to me like she'll never let go.
I look over her shoulder and see Spike still under the table. Not exactly a great welcome home when your formerly biggest fan leaves you hiding under the furniture.
"Come on out, Spike. You're not doing much for the decor in here, seeing as how you clash with the carpet. No, Dawn. Stay with me. Let Spike alone for a minute. I think you kinda gave him a shock." I can feel Dawn tensing in my arms and I know if I let her go there is no way Spike's gonna be getting of the floor. Why do I get the feeling it's time for a little sisterly chat? Guess it's kinda my fault for not talking to her when he left. God knows what's going through her head right now.
"Spike, you sit down. Me and Dawnie are gonna go in the kitchen and... you know."
"But Buffy -"
"No, Dawn. It's okay. Let's go get a drink or something, alright?" As I drag a reluctant Dawn through to the other room I look back to see Spike on his feet but shaking. But I can't take care of him now. I've got the troubled teen to deal with.
I sit her down at the counter and grab a couple of soda's from the ice box. She's looking back at the front room and I'm just hoping she doesn't try to run through there. A football tackle would stop her but I don't think it'd solve anything. Little sisters might sometimes act like demons but you kinda get in trouble if you treat them the same.
"Buffy, why is he here? Why did you let him in? When I saw Xander outside and he said Spike was here, I thought he'd be tied up or something. Why's he loose? He's dangerous."
"He's not dangerous."
"But he was attacking you. Again!" Oh boy, talk about getting it wrong. I'm reluctant to tell her what was really going on. Especially the part about how far it might've gone if we weren't interrupted. And it looks like I'm gonna have to have another heart to heart with Xander. Joy.
"He wasn't attacking me. I was upset and... he was... he was comforting me. He won't hurt me. And you know he'd never hurt you, right?"
"See, that's all wrong. 'Cos he attacked you before and he was in love with you! If he did that to you, what's to stop him going after the rest of us? Nothing. He shouldn't even be in the house."
I'm wondering how much I can tell her. What she'll understand. Hell, I don't even understand it myself and I've been around for all of it. What chance has she got? But I won't have her being scared of Spike. It's just so wrong. She's never been scared of him before. She never hated him before. Even when she should've. But that's my Dawnie, never gonna stick to the straight and narrow.
"Dawnie, even if Spike wanted to hurt you - which is so not the case - he can't. Remember?"
That's got her thinking. Which makes me kinda nervous 'cos she's bright and she'll ask me stuff I can't answer. Don't think I'll get away with 'It's complicated' this time. Oh yeh, I can see the wheels turning and that light bulb over her head is kinda blinding.
"The chip! What happened to the chip? No, you said he can't hurt me so the chips still working. So how could he have attacked you. Xander said he tried to... tried to... force you. Did Xander make that up? Ooh, wait till I get him. See how he likes hiding under the coffee table! Oh my God, Spike! I kicked Spike. Like a whole bunch of times. And he's only just got back. What if it makes him go away again? Buffy, what if he thinks I hate him. I mean, I'm pissed 'cos he went away and didn't say anything. And I was real angry when I thought he'd hurt you but... you won't let him go, will you Buffy? We'll make him stay. He'll forgive me, won't he?"
What do I do now? Maybe I should just let her think Xander lied. Save a whole heap of trouble. And he's been such a jerk I wouldn't mind watching Dawn kick the shit out of him. If I tried to do it I'd probably kill him, which is so not of the good. Don't want to get Dawnie into bad habits, though. Time to come clean then. Or a bit, anyway. Maybe settle for a kinda dingy grey.
"Xander didn't lie, he just made a mistake. Sort of. He found me, after Spike had been here, and jumped to conclusions. Me and Spike. Well. We had a fight and... he took things too far. But I don't think he meant to. I think I'd... confused him maybe. What he did was totally out of line and I'm never gonna forgive him, but... that's between me and him. It's nothing to do with you or Xander or anyone else. Spike never meant to hurt me and I know he'll never hurt you. Okay?"
"No, not okay. You're saying he did hurt you, right? How's that possible? And you say you're not gonna forgive him but it sounds like you already have. What's going on, Buffy? Please. Tell me." And my baby sister is growing up. How'd she get so smart. At least when she's just whiney I can send her to her room. But she's being all with the insight. Must've spent too much time with Spike. Or maybe it's a bit of mom.
"When I came back I was... different. I don't just mean depresso Buffy, I mean physically. Tara.. she said my molecular structure was a bit off whack. But no biggy. Only thing was, it meant Spike's chip didn't work on me and it all got a bit crazy. We both did a lot of damage. I'd like to blame Spike but I'd be lying. I was a total bitch. But I though I had the right, you know, what with all the stuff I'd gone through. Like he said, I did a real number on him. So there's a lot of forgiving to be done all round. And him forgiving you for playing 'Kick the Spike' - that's the least of it. He's always gonna love you. That's who he is."
Dawn looks me straight in the eye. It's really disconcerting. She seems to be weighing something up and I just pray I don't fall short. It took along time for us to be able to talk and I really hope I didn't just blow it.
"Okay. We're done here. My best friend's all on his own in the other room and my big sister finally learnt to tell me the truth. I hope. You guys so need to talk. So I'll just say 'hi, welcome back' and head to bed. 'Cos I'm whacked. That okay by you?" She's stood up and has come to stand by my side holding out her hand. I can't think of anything to say so I just nod. Seems to be enough 'cos she gives me a huge smile. I take her hand and we go to make peace with the other member of the triad.
He's sat on the edge of the couch, hands caught between his knees. He looks up as we come in and gives Dawn a shy, little smile. Which turns really nervous as she goes flying across the room towards him. Butit's okay goes she just throws her arms around him, like she did with me earlier, and - again - it's like she has no intention of letting go.
"Spike, I'm so, so, so sorry. You don't hate me, do you?"
"Oh nibblet, I could never hate you. If anything, I'm impressed. You were just trying to protect Buffy. I'm proud of you. Never really gonna hurt me as long as you're still my li'l bit."
"Always. Even though I'm way too big for you to still call me that. I'm just so glad you're back. Buffy explained it all." Now Spike's looking at me, eyes shining. And it's like he can see right through me. The full on Buffy x-ray.
"Did she now." And that's all he says. Let's hope it stays that way 'cos talking to Dawn about it all is bad enough. Talking to Spike about it? Not sure I'm ready for that.
"Yeh, we're good. Dawn just wanted to check on you before heading up to bed. She's got school tomorrow."
Spike stands up and brings Dawn with him, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. They're so close in height now I'm not sure who's taller. He lets her go and Dawn walks over to me. Gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's been a while since she did that and it's nice. More than nice. I think we're okay. I just stand and watch her as she walks to the stairs, throwing a 'night Spike' over her shoulder as she goes. Only to be stopped by Spike.
"Wait up, bit, I've got something for you. Give me a sec." And he starts digging through the pockets of his jeans. God knows how he manages to keep anything in there. I mean, those things are spray on. Show every lump and bump. Outline all the... I've really gotta start looking into therapy.
Jeez, how much stuff does he have in there? He's already dropped two handfuls of paper on the coffee table and there's more to come. Whatever he's got for Dawn is probably squashed beyond all recognition after being pressed so close to his body for God knows how long. Ummm, pressed against Spike for God knows how long. Undisturbed and... It's no good. I've got to get a hobby. Slaying and the day job just leave me too much time with my imagination. And it's working over time. Pity no one's gonna pay me. I'd be raking in the cash. What a way to mix work and pleasure.
"Here you go, nibblet. Found it in Africa, outside this cave I... visited. It's not worth much but it made me think of you. And it's come a long way, thousands of years old, the right colour. Maybe it'll bring you luck or something." He holds out this small, green stone. It looks kinda like jade but it's not. It's all shiney but it's nothing special. I'm not surprised Spike looks embarrassed. It's even worse than those t-shirts that say 'and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'.
"Oh my God! Spike! That's so cool." Well, I guess Dawn likes it.
"It's like me, isn't it. All old and green and shiney. Doesn't look like much-"
"but it's seen more than we'll ever know. Unique. Yeh, li'l 'un, it's like you."
Okay, so I get it. That's kinda neat. Hope he got me something better though. Jeez, Buffy, be grateful if you get anything. Anyway, aren't you just glad he's back?
Dawn gives him another huge hug and Spike's grinning like an idiot. It's... more than I hoped for. And maybe less as well. 'Cos Dawn gets the big smile and I get.. I don't know what I get.
"Dawnie, if you're up to it can you stay here with Spike for a few? I really need to go take a shower." And before she can answer I'm heading up the stairs. I head into the bathroom and it takes a few moments for the ghosts to surface. And when they do I'm surprised how easily I can push them away. It's just a room. Finally. After a whole summer of avoiding this place and jumping at shadows, it's just a room.
I don't rush but I don't take as long as I'd like either. I've given my head a chance to clear a little and got rid of the layer of... fear, I guess. It comes of real easy, which is kinda strange when it's been building for so long. I know I'm not free and clear yet, but at least the end seems in sight now. I go to my room to dry off and realise I've spent nearly as long in front of my wardrobe as I did in the shower. I want to look nice. Screw that. I wanna look hot. Even though I know, in the past, I could wear anything and Spike would still want me. But this time it's more about making sure he knows I want him. Even if I'm not ready to say it out loud. Okay, over thinking this. Just throw your pants, top and shoes and get back down stairs.
I can hear Dawn moving around in her room as I go past. Guess it's just me and Spike then. Good.
And there he is, on the couch.
He's out for the count. He looks a little fragile, like sleep isn't something he gets much of. Boy, can I relate to that. He's kinda cute, but the mouth hanging open look looses him points on the hottiness scale. Still looks almost edible. Which totally sucks, when you're on a Spike -free diet. It's nearly as bad as that time I swore of chocolate 'cos I wanted to get into those new pants. Makes you wonder if the diet's really worth it.
I try and be quiet as I move to the coffee table. Jeez, Spike ever thought of using a waste basket instead of your pockets? I start sorting through all the scraps of paper. No, I'm not prying, just tidying is all. Who buys two hundred cigarettes at one go? He gets a receipt for his blood? 'To do list - figure out what I've got to do'. You know, Spike, you really are a freak.
'Another season of changes.
Not a falling of leaves
Or the tides turning,
But a re-evaluation brings
The bittersweet tang
Of bridges burning.'
"What's this? A prophesy?
The paper gets taken out of my hand. Guess he's awake. Hopefully he didn't wake up grumpy, 'cos I feel like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
"Not unless Rocky shoved in a bit of pre-cog along with the soul." No, doesn't sound pissed. Just tired. Maybe I should tell him there's a nice, warm bed upstairs. Maybe not. Still haven't covered all the bases and it's way too soon to start down that road again. Funny, I'm not really doubting that we're heading that way. But not yet.
"So, what is it?" He's stroking the paper, trying to get the creases out. He doesn't answer straight away and I wonder if he's going to. Then I wonder why he's bothered straightening the scrap out 'cos he just shoves it back in his pocket.
"Poem." He's looking at me as if he dares me to say something.
"Oh. It's... nice. What's it about?"
"C'mon, pet, you don't need me to tell you that. What d'you think it's about?" I sit down next to him and take a moment to think. It's not hard but... it's like it's a test and I don't want to get it wrong. I'm still hoping I'm gonna get the prize.
"Uh. Well. Change? Yeh, change. But what about the end?"
"You really don't know? Luv, you may act thick at times but we both know better. What are you scared of? It's not like you're gonna upset me or something. Not like that should matter."
"You've... lost something? Something you can't get back. It all changed and you can only go forward. What've you lost?"
"Oh Buffy, what haven't I lost? Peace of mind. Conviction. Hope. Myself. I'd say I lost you, but I never had you so that's a moot point, isn't it? Got a soul and a whole hell of a lot of thoughts I never had before. Got a bit of William swimming round my head, but I'm not him and he's not me. Got all these bits and pieces that don't rightly fit together. And it's damned hard to think of a reason why I should care. But I can't seem to stop."
I'm really not cut out for this. I can help if something needs killing or maiming but I can't do the touchy feely thing. If I could, I'd do it for me. I guess I should be glad that Spike doesn't seem to expect anything from me. Doesn't expect me to be able to help. Only trouble is, I want to. I'm thinking he deserves to expect something from me. Something that isn't a blow to the nose. Or the ego.
"You haven't lost Dawn. She'll always love you. And... didn't someone say you should never give up hope?"
No-one should be able to smile and look so sad at the same time. I can't remember when I last felt worse for someone else than for myself. But I'm starting not to care what's happened in the past. Looking at Spike is like looking in the mirror at myself when I came back. Whatever else, I've gotta give Spike a little of what he gave to me.
"We missed you. You know what happened while you were gone, right? I don't know if you coulda done anything but... I think it might have been easier if you'd been here. And then you coulda joined in the 'The-world- hasn't-ended' party. Not that there was much of a party but you woulda been the life and..." Smooth Summers, real smooth. Now he looks even worse.
"So. The poem. Did you write it yourself? Sorry, stupid question. I get what it means but why did you write it? Why keep it?"
"Sometimes... sometimes there's too much in my head. It's gotta go somewhere. So I right it down. Clear things up a bit. No one to talk to about all this. No one would get it. So... I write."
"Funny. I woulda thought you'd be embarrassed. 'Cos I found it. You really didn't want anyone to know you used to be a poet. I mean, before."
"Don't be daft, luv. Got bigger worries than that. Anyway, who'd care? No one'd give a toss that Spikey's gone all bohemian and bleeding hearts. It serves a purpose, doesn't it? Stops me going mad. Mind you, that'd probably be relief."
"You wanna go mad? Hello, does Drusilla ring any bells?"
"Low blow, Slayer. Yeh, she was a sandwich short of a picnic, totally out of her tree most of the time. But she was happy. Well, usually. Wish I could say the same. Ah well, guess I don't deserve to be. Gotta pay for my crimes, after all."
And suddenly I don't feel like it's about his crimes anymore. It's about mine. 'Cos he was just following his nature. Me? I did the opposite. I took all the lessons from Angelus and Parker. From every bad-ass, end-the- world demon I ever fought. Learnt my lessons well and turned them all on Spike. I took his desire for me, his doubts about himself, and used them to break him. 'Cos the ones I loved broke me, right? So, if he loved me he had to break too. And if he didn't really love me, if he was lying, he'd be fine. And I'd win. Is that it? Is that what I was?
"Luv? Buffy? What is it? Come on, girl, snap out of it. Christ, Slayer, come back. You look like you did when Glory got the bit. You still in there? Please, luv, you're scaring me." How can he look at me after what I've done? How can he care so much? He's touching me with such tenderness. Grounding me again.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be daft, pet. As long as you're okay - are you okay? - you've got nothing to be sorry for."
I'm I his arms for the second - no, third - time tonight. I don't deserve this. But he does. All he ever tried to do was touch me, hold me. I'm the one who turned it into something else. This thing he has with my hair. He's stroking me again. Like a treasured pet. One of those expensive cats that scratches without warning. But their owners still love them. I wonder how he'd take it if I started purring? I think I could live with being owned by Spike. As long as I can own him too.
"You loved me."
"Well, yeh. Kept telling you so. Reckon I always will. Sorry 'bout that. I'll try to keep it quiet. Know it makes you uncomfortable an' all." Oh Spike, don't pull away! Dammit, still thinking about me, aren't you Spike? Think that you're making me uncomfortable, when you're really making me more at peace, less scattered than I can remember. But you're right. Now's not the time. I wish someone would just tell me when it is the time. Wish I could figure out why I have to wait. That's right, I remember, I'm scared and trying to be sensible. 'Cos that's always worked so well for me in the past. And this time I have to be sure that I won't hurt Spike anymore. I know he won't hurt me. The poor guy's past broken and out the other side. And he wears it so well.
So if we're not going to cuddle then I need a distraction. Ooh, maybe I can get my present now?
"So you got Dawn a present. Which she totally loved. Did you get anything for me?"
He's looking at me - a little puzzled, a little hurt. How did I hurt him this time?
"Course I did, luv. Guess this means you don't like it. Pity that. Bugger to get and I don't think they do refunds or exchanges."
"Huh?" What don't I like? Oh shit. Of course. How come so much of this has been about me but I only just get it? I think the world revolves around me - well, at least Anya thinks so - Spike's shown me, time after time, that his world turns around me. So of course he got me a present. The one thing I kept saying I needed.
He got me a soul.
