A/N - I thought I should give a warning on this chapter. It's been angst ridden before but I've taken it up a notch. Please forgive me. And I promise this isn't the end. Also thanks for the reviews - and well done fastpilot for picking up on the Douglas Adams. LOL



Done Waiting - chapter 10

This is what I've been missing, the feel of him. Only it's different. Something new. None of the anger and need to wound him. None of the need to be wounded back. Welcome home, honey.

He doesn't respond at first. Then his lips open on a gasp and I resist the urge to deepen the kiss. Too soon. He needs time. Is it strange that I'm so aware of what he might need? I might not get it right but I'm aware. Everything I've kept quiet and buried is coming alive. Last year he made me feel, this year he makes me glow. Oh god, I'm turning into a tacky romance heroine! But I don't care. Not right now. Nothing is as important as this.

I'm brought round with a bang when he tries to push me away. But I won't let him. I've gotta make him see that this is okay. Better than okay.

When I won't step back he goes from pushing at me to trying to pull free. So I back him into the wall. Which kinda ruins the mood 'cos I'm getting those flash backs again. Is this too much about me? Should I let go? Does he really not want this? I don't know. But I know I'm scared to let go.

Now he's turned his face away, so I gently nuzzle his neck with the tip of my noise, kinda like he used to do with me when he thought I was asleep. It's animalistic but in a soft and fuzzy way rather than a tearing with tooth and claw way. This is where his pulse would be. This is where his life would flow. Poor Spike, you used to be so alive, even if you were technically dead. You had more energy than anyone I've ever known.

"Don't, Buffy. This isn't right." He sounds like he's gonna cry.

"You said anything, Spike. That you'd accept anything I wanted to dish out. Anything I thought you deserved. Well, this is it." There's no resistance now. And I smile against his collarbone. You're mine. Don't you know that? You told me often enough.

I risk pulling back so I can look at him, try not to hold him quite so tight.

I think I'm gonna cry.

What I thought was acceptance is really resignation. He's letting me do this but he doesn't want it. I recognise the look from all those times when he wanted to be gentle and I made him brutal instead. This is so fucked up. We're so fucked up. Why does nothing work?

I let go of him and step back. He just leans against the wall, shoulders hunched. He looks defeated. I want him to look loved. But I guess I've already figured out that this isn't about what I want.

"I'm so sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to push you. I just thought...I don't know really."

"Told you not to apologise, pet. It's alright. I told you, whatever you want. Do whatever you want, I won't stop you." But you won't look at me either. This is no good. Gonna have to try the talking thing again. And I'm so good at that. Maybe I should just find Anya and let her take care of him. I'm just making things worse. It feels like if I don't fix Spike then I've failed. But that just makes it my problem. Maybe my motives are too screwed up for this to ever work.

"No, I did too much of that before. I don't want this to just be about what I want, Spike. I just thought...last year...you weren't allowed...tenderness. You deserved tenderness and...so I'm sorry. For that. I guess it's too late. But you said to give you what you deserved." I sink to the floor, too tired now to even aim for the couch. Spike mirrors me, still leaning against the wall but now sitting with his knees drawn in. He's playing with the tufts of the carpet, gently pulling at them then stroking them back into place. It's a familiar action. I remember him using it on my body. Until I hit him and made him use bruising force. I'm not surprised anymore at the shame I feel remembering.

We're both silent. I can't look at him and know that he won't look at me. I think about going to bed and just letting this night be over. 'Cos this is about as much fun as jabbing myself in the arm with Mr Pointy. And about as worthwhile.

I don't know how long we sit there, avoiding looking at each other. My mind's gone blank and I can't think of a single thing to say or do. I'm so used to Spike making the first move when it comes to talking. Okay, the only move. 'Cos I gotta admit, I never really rose to the challenge. Show me an apocalypse and I'm there with the problem solving. Show me a conversation and I'm back in the school yard. Insult, hit and run. It kinda works. If you like being alone.

I have too much alone time.

It's funny - in that 'if I don't laugh I'm gonna cry' way - that Spike was the one who showed me just how hard being alone can be. When Angel left something broke inside but I still had the others and I still had dreams of a normal life. And there was that little matter of Angel only being around when he wanted to be anyway. I didn't lose a constant companion when he headed off for the bright lights of LA. And Riley? For all the things we had in common we never found common ground. And he always thought I was something other than me. That's how it felt, anyway. So I tried to be that other person. And I truly sucked at it. Which is when he started letting someone else suck at him. I think that was a bigger betrayal than Spike's.attack. Odd that it hurt less. But when Spike went, even after all the horror we put each other through, I really found out what being alone meant. No one to fight with, no one to hold you even when you say you don't want it, no one to understand, no one to watch your back. No one who'll forgive you anything.

There really is so much to tell him. If I was someone else then maybe I'd be able to. As it is, I'm stuck here in my front room watching a broken man toying with my carpet. I guess I'm a coward after all.

I can hear someone moving around upstairs. I doubt it's Dawn 'cos when that girl sleeps nothing short of a troll hammer gets her out of bed. So it must be Willow. Wonder what she's thought of all the goings on. She can't have missed it, even though she's zoned out eighty percent of the time. Probably thought it was best not to get involved. Which is odd for old Willow but standard for the ghost who lives in my house now. I miss her concern but I'm totally on board with the lack of interference. Wish Xander had learnt to butt out. Just a shame it took the death of her lover, the mutilation of another human being and nearly destroying the world for Willow to learn the lesson. But she still bakes a wicked cookie.

Guess I spoke too soon. 'Cos I can hear her coming down the stairs. Maybe she thought we're all done down here. Maybe we are.

"Hey, Will. C'mon in and join the party. It's kinda lacking the party feel, what with the no music, drinking or having anything vaguely like a good time. So maybe not a party. Join us anyway."

"Buffy? I wanted a word with Spike. Is he still here?" Okay, that wasn't what I was expecting.

I point towards the vampire huddled against the wall. Even with Willow mentioning his name he hasn't looked up. I know he's awake 'cos his hands are still moving.

"Oh. Okay. Ummm, Spike? Can we talk? If I'm not interrupting. 'Cos if I am I'll...I'll just...go away. And catch you later. If that's okay? Is it okay?" She nervously looks from Spike to me and back. There's little confidence there but she's still showing more - what? Initiative? Yeh - than she has since before the summer.

Maybe it's her tone of voice that gets his attention 'cos he looks up at her and there's a gentle smile on his face. A look I haven't seen too often. I'm kinda disgusted by the twinge of jealousy I feel towards Willow. But it's there all the same.

"Hey, Red. Long time no see. Course we can talk. Whenever you want. I think the Slayer and me are done here. We can have a little sit down and let Buffy go upstairs and get her rest."

"No!" That was a bit louder than I meant. But I'm so scared that if I go to bed this is gonna be the last time I'll see him. And I don't care if that would be best. It would hurt too damn much. I can feel the tears start at the back of my eyes. How often did Spike feel this rejected and unwanted? Is it only fair that I get a taste of it too? God, am I gonna second guess everything?

They're both looking at me. Spike with a sort of despair and Willow with a weird combination of shame and frustration. Nice to see I'm still bringing on the happys. I can't bear to see them look at me like that. It's too close to the worst moments of last year. How disappointed I made them 'cos I wasn't what they wanted me to be. Wasn't giving them what they needed. It's worse with Spike 'cos he deserved more. With Willow it brings back some of the resentment. How dare she ask for anything from me when it was all her fault anyway?

"Ummm, Buffy? I wasn't trying to get rid of you or anything. You know that, right? I mean, hey, your house! I can...umm...come back later? If you need more time. Or you can hear what I have to say, I guess. Though I was kinda hoping to talk to Spike alone. But that's okay. It's not urgent. I mean I'd like to talk to him soon. Real soon. But not right now. If it's a bad time. Ah, yeh." The nervous, shy girl I first met when I came to Sunnydale is standing in front of me again. I've kinda missed her but I miss clever, confident Willow too. How do I explain that it's not her I'm worried about? At least, not right now. 'Cos I do worry about her. But probably not as much as I should.

"So, er, Buffy? Should I go back up? Or, I don't know, I could get drinks for us? So you can talk? Maybe that'd be best? Ooo, we've got cookies! Do you want a cookie, Spike? If Dawn hasn't eaten them all. I'll go do that." I watch as Willow backs out into the kitchen. And wonder how long I've got to persuade Spike to talk to me before she comes back.

Looking at Spike I've gotta admit forever might not be long enough.

After smiling up at Willow, and glancing at me when I yelled, he's gone back to contemplating my carpet. Great. I should just give up. Hey, it's not like I haven't done that before. Sometimes it feels like I only stick with the fights that use fists. Is it really worth it? It's got to be.

"Spike? If I leave you and Willow to talk, will that be it? Are you gonna leave again?" I feel like I can't breathe. His answer means too much. I never thought Spike could be so important. I never even worried about him killing me. Never thought he'd manage it. This might be the closest he's ever got. No wonder I'm scared of him now.

He still doesn't look at me but I can see him straightening his back, preparing himself. So this is gonna be bad. But for him or for me?

"Is there really any point, Slayer? What good's it gonna do? I'm not gonna do a disappearing act. If you need any help I'll be around. But that's it. I'm no good for you. We both know it. Why make this any harder? Let it go, luv. It's for the best." Now he's looking at me. And I know I won't change his mind.

I stand up as calmly as I can. I don't want him to see how much I'm shaking. He doesn't need that. He doesn't need me. This is my problem now. I'll just have to deal.

"Okay. I guess it's gotta be your choice. I'll be...grateful. For the help. Maybe you can tell Willow how to get in touch? Oh, and stay in touch with Dawn. Please. She's missed you. I'm gonna go up. Say goodnight to Willow for me." I want to kiss him, hold him. Just for a moment. But it'll only make it worse. I've had all I'm gonna get.

It's so hard to walk away. So hard. Worse than when I said goodbye to him after Riley's little visit. And that was pretty bad. I guess I knew then it wasn't final, that he still wanted me. That it was my choice. This isn't my choice. This isn't what I want. All I can do is hope that I'll see him sometimes. That's all that's left. I was better off before I got home tonight.

"I'll do that, Buffy. I'm sorry. Really. Wish it could be different but I don't see how. It's a bloody shame but there it is. Goodbye, luv." His voice is so soft, it's a caress. Oh god, I'm gonna miss it! I run out of the room, desperate to get to my room before I breakdown.