A/N - this was written to explain what happens between Spike and Willow at the end of chapter 10. It takes place at the same time as chapter 11 and isn't vital to the main story. So it's up to you if you want to read it! And a quick shout out to Trisha for being a wonderful Beta and continually stroking my ego. Purr, purr. Oh, and apologies for the delay ; )

A Tale of Two Sinners

Willow was shaking as she pulled open the door of the refrigerator. Something bad was going on and an inner voice was yelling at her to get out before it was too late. Before she got sucked into something that she couldn't control. But, hey, that covered pretty much everything right now. She had to learn it wasn't about controlling the world around her, fixing everything whether it was broken or not. It was about learning to accept. And learning when help was actually manipulation. Tara had tried to tell her, to warn her. She hadn't listened then. Now she knew she had to

"Oh baby, what am I gonna do? It's so hard without you." She shut the door and lent her head against it. She didn't even know what she'd been looking for in there. Didn't think she'd actually find all the answers sitting between the soda and the milk, did she?

Being without Tara was like missing half of herself. The pain had changed over the months but it hadn't gone away. As much as it hurt, she still hoped it would never leave her. If it did then Tara was truly gone. Willow clung to thoughts of Tara like a lifeline. She didn't make many decisions anymore, just flowed with the tide, but those decisions she did make always included the question 'What would Tara do?'. As long as she used that as a guide she couldn't go wrong, could she?

It was Tara's ghost who had suggested she talk to Spike. 'You know who'll understand, sweetie? Spike. He lost his lover. He did things he can't escape. He might not be able to make it better but he'll be able to listen. He's probably a very good listener.'

Willow had doubted this advice, even though she knew it came from inside herself, that she just put it in Tara's voice to see if it fit. And it had. But still she wasn't sure.

Until tonight. She'd seen Spike hanging around for the last few weeks but as long as Buffy didn't mention it, neither did she. It had been impossible to miss all the yelling this evening though. The bad Willow voice, the bitter part of her that she tried so hard to ignore, had enjoyed the pain she overheard. Revelled in the suffering of her friends. Thought it served Spike right for being stupid enough to get caught by Xander. But the Tara voice had wept.

The Tara voice had wanted to wrap Spike in her arms and tell him was going to be okay. 'Cos if it could be okay for Spike then it could be okay for Willow, too.

"You wanted a word, Red?" Willow jumped at the sound of Spike's voice. She'd forgotten how quiet vamps could be. Or maybe her thoughts were just too loud. She didn't hear much of anything these days unless it was yelled at her. Which meant she didn't hear much at all 'cos yelling didn't happen too often. Everything had become kinda subdued while she was away. Dawn wasn't doing the teen drama on a daily basis. Or even weekly. Which was good but it made Willow uneasy 'cos she guessed Dawn's new maturity had too much to do with the whole going evil kick Willow had been on. And Buffy just seemed disinterested. Not in a recently dead way, just in a 'something's missing' way. Was the missing piece standing in the kitchen now?

"Red? Willow? You in there?" Oh yeah, shouldn't leave the vamp waiting. But where to start?

"I...I was trying to find some drinks but I didn't know what...there isn't any...any blood in the fridge. And I couldn't figure out what Buffy would like. Is she waiting for me?"

Spike was standing near the door into the kitchen, almost leaning against the frame. But not quite. Like the tension in his body wouldn't let him relax even that much. Willow had never seen that look on his face before. A gentle, inquiring smile. If this is what he'd offered to Buffy when she came back no wonder they'd got it on. Only it didn't explain why things were so bad between them now.

"No, pet. The Slayer's gone to beddy byes. Just you and me. What can I do for you?" Is that relief in his voice or sadness? Both seemed to fit the scene Willow had walked in on.

"I don't know where to start. I thought...thought, well, you've been where I am now, you know? You're kinda there again now. Oh, congrats on the soul! Or maybe not 'cos you don't seem too happy with it. The soul, I mean. Are you? Happy? No, sorry, stupid me. I can see you're not. Umm. Yeh. So..." Willow paced back and forth, wringing her hands like the Lady of Shallot in her tower. Is that what she was? Trapped, doomed, fated? She was startled by a cool hand touching her own too-warm skin. But she didn't pull away, just looked up into Spike's concerned face. Let him lead her to one of the high chairs by the island. How can this be the same vampire who had threatened her with a bottle, later threatened to turn her? But even then there'd been a twisted sort of compassion. She remembered how he'd told her it wasn't her fault he couldn't bite, assured her what a tasty morsel she was. It shouldn't have been reassuring but he'd made her feel good about herself for a moment.

Considering the circumstances of impending death that was one of her good memories. Weird.

"You're tied up in knot's 'bout something, luv, and it's not my new acquisition. So come on, tell Uncle Spike. What's on your mind?"

Willow shifted on her seat, ducked her head while she gathered her thoughts. Couldn't quite get them clear and decided to just go for it.

"How do you - I mean, I - get past this?" Was that enough? Would he understand? She wasn't sure how to clarify it 'cos this was the phrase that kept running through her mind. It summed it all up for her. But it might not mean anything to Spike as he hadn't spent the last few months inside her head.

Spike sat silently for a moment. Ask a simple basic question and you get a killer of an answer. In the form of another bloody question. Brilliant. He couldn't clear up his own messed-up psyche, where the hell did he start with the witch's? By being straight with her, even if it burnt them both.

"You don't, you always carry it with you. You become Sisyphus, rolling the stone of your misdeeds up hill all day. Then again the next day. And the next. For the rest of eternity. And in my case it might well be bloody eternity. All you can hope is that someone will help. By loving you or what have you. Or the stone will become a pebble, eroded by time. But it never ends. Live with it."

Right, that might've been a bit too blunt. But Spike hadn't had to bother with tact for over a century. He'd tried developing it for dealing with Buffy but he'd never quite managed. Who was he kidding? He'd managed tact with anyone who he didn't give a damn about. Just couldn't get it up for those he cared about. And despite what she'd done - or maybe because of it - he cared about Red. Oh well, he did think that honesty was best. Hopefully the witch felt the same.

"That's it?" Ah, obviously not. Willow looked at him with horror and Spike knew he'd have to find another way to approach the issue. Or she'd give up now.

"What, you thought you say enough 'sorry's, do enough good deeds, bake enough cookies and it'll all go away? No chance. You didn't drop a bleedin' china vase, specially picked out by Great Aunt Ada. You took a life, Red. But that's nowhere near the worst of it. You didn't care that your friends were at risk. Worse than that, you chose to put them at risk. And worst of all. You told the truth. You can't ever take that back. What do you want, Red? Want to go back to lies and evasions, no one talking to anyone else? That it? Or do you want them to trust you? Be straight with 'em. It's time, pet."

Still not quite the tone he'd been going for but the look of horror was gone, replaced by the signs of deep thought. Spike had realised a while back that this was why Willow and his - no, not his. Not now. Not ever - Slayer used to be thick as thieves. They both had brains and they both took things to heart, then made a pig's ear of trying to express it. While Buffy resorted to denial and violence, the witch went for magic or a way to make it all logical. Trouble with emotions was there was no quick fix and they were never, not in a million years, logical. Nor could you hide from them. They'd just jump up and bite you on the arse. And god, did he know about that!

"So that's it? I'm stuck with this and it's never going to get any better. Well that...that just sucks!!!" So the witch was gonna go for anger. Well, as long as it was an 'I need to express this or I'll explode' kind of anger and not the 'I can change this with the right spell' type, they should be alright.

"Willow, no. Didn't say it can't get better. You can't leave it behind but it isn't everything. It's not the end. Think about it. This is as bad as it gets. So everything else can only be better." And finally it started to make sense. For both of them, it seemed. There's always somewhere to go and if you're at the bottom then you can only go up. Spike felt a twinge of pride that he'd finally managed to say something that wasn't designed to piss Willow off. And a touch of doubt that what he'd said was true for himself. He really couldn't see a way up and out of this pit. He'd lost track of the light. Thought it was Buffy but knew that he'd deluded himself on that score. But there'd been a flash of brilliance when he'd seen the Bit. After she'd stopped kicking the shit out of him that is. And right now he felt, if not the heat of the sun, at least the warmth of another soul finding a modicum of release. He couldn't expect Willow to be his guiding light but they could be there for each other. Maybe. If he deserved that much. He was starting to see her as the dimming embers of a once bright fire and if he could provide the right fuel then she'd burn bright once again, go back to giving warmth to those around her. Just as long as she didn't have another go at being the towering inferno.

"Yeh, I guess, but..." Which meant don't let her doubt herself.

"But what?"

"I mean...how?" And there was the million dollar question. And what was the answer? Spike thought about what he'd hoped for. What he thought Willow had.

"Well, you got welcomed back didn't you? The Slayer let you back in the house and the Whelp was always on side, I reckon. The Watcher took care of you, took you somewhere to heal for a bit. Can't be that bad." Funny. It hurt to acknowledge that Willow could have what he'd never be allowed. And he'd been unable to keep the loss out of his voice.

Spike turned away from Willow's beseeching eyes. He wanted to help, he really did. He just wished it didn't have to hurt so bloody much. But then the pain was what he deserved. He'd dished it out for long enough. 'Bout time he experienced it for himself. Only this went so much deeper than anything that Buffy had ever served up. After all, he only had himself to blame. This was all he was worth.

"I'm sorry." Willow turned Spike to face her, stroking his arm. Her eyes were full of tears. Spike thought they might be for him and he knew he didn't merit them.

"Why? Didn't do nothing to me, luv. Wish I'd been here so I could've helped Buffy and the Bit. But...broad bloody daylight, human, not a lot I could've done even if I had been here. Couldn't have stopped Tara getting shot and that's what set you off. Couldn't have stopped you once you got going 'cos like I mentioned before, I'm no good against humans. All I could've done is watch. And I had to go. Something had to change and the thing that was out of kilter was me. No one else's fault, is it now?"

"I know all that, Spike. I'm sorry because you're right. I had help and something to come back to. And I'm feeling like you deserved that more than me, you know?" She was wrong, so wrong. What Spike deserved was to be alienated, ostracised, rejected by anyone and anything decent. Even Willow was too high above him to touch. He would only be here long enough to see she'd be okay. She had to understand that he didn't deserve her sympathy.

"No, what I did was unforgivable."

"Hello? I tried to make the world all crispy. Before that I majorly beat up on Buffy. Oh, and came this close to making Dawnie all glowy energy ball, oops not a real girl. What did you do?" What hadn't he done? He'd torn away all that he'd held holy. Broken the trust of his Summers girls. Backed the Slayer into a corner both literally and metaphorically. Tried to take something he had no right to and lost something he'd struggled against all odds to attain. Destroyed the one halfway decent thing he'd managed to build.

"Broke a promise." How could Willow be looking at him with such compassion when he was just a worthless excuse for a...what? Not a man. Not even a real demon anymore. The soul was meant to resolve his confusion. All it had done was turn a blinding beacon on all his faults, failings and depravities. With his greatest depravity being his belief he had any right to a place in Buffy's heart.

"I don't understand. Okay, so promises are important but breaking them's not unforgivable. And it's not like you didn't do worse things, you know, pre-chip." How to explain to someone like Willow, still inherently innocent after all she'd done?

"It's not the promise being broken that's the issue here, pet. It's how I broke it. I can't come back from that. Thought I could. Get a soul and you've got a get out of jail free card. What I got was the opposite. I got to understand just how much I'd screwed up. Got to realise that it's too late."

"Okay. Umm, not sure where that's going but I don't think you're gonna tell me. Are you? No, guess not. I'm guessing it was a promise to Buffy?"

For a moment Spike looked at her as if she was Xander, that hint of contempt more painful then Willow would have imagined. She cared what Spike thought of her. She cared about Spike. Did he care about himself?

"Stupid question. Sorry. But Spike, Buffy seems - I don't know - okay with it? I know she's not 'okay' okay. Not in an 'everything's peachy' way. But she wanted you here. At least, that's how it seemed."

Did she have it right? That's what she'd seen. Spike holding back, something she didn't think was possible, and Buffy desperate for him. Again, an unexpected situation. Did she miss something? Apart from all the stuff that had happened between them over the past year.

"Yeh, maybe she wanted me here. That's what she said, not quite in those words I don't think. To be honest it's all a bit hazy. Never was hazy before. I'd hang on her every word 'cos it might be that moment I needed to make her mine. But the playing field's changed somewhat. Can't expect anything from her anymore, you know? And wanting me isn't needing me. Isn't loving me. She can't love me and I can't let it be how it was. Not just 'cos it hurt like hell but because...it damaged her, Red. I damaged her. Doesn't matter that she did the same to me. I was asking for it, she wasn't. I thought I could make it right. Should've known I had bugger all chance of that."

Now Willow understood why Buffy had seemed so desperate. Spike was so far from allowing himself any relief that he couldn't hear when it was offered. What had they done to each other? Is this a time when she could help? And if she could, should she? Could and should didn't matter when Willow saw the emptiness in Spike. His whole body screamed with it. Even the Bad Willow voice was hiding from this torment. It wasn't something that could be revelled in. It was too overwhelming.

"You've given up. You're here but you've stopped being...anything. How can you expect me to believe it gets better when you don't?" Willow's soft voice belied the accusation in her words.

"Well, Red, it's like this, see. You are inherently decent, for all your mistakes. Where as I am inherently a fuck up. Don't mean the demon. That did what came natural to it. I mean the man I was, the soul I regained. Well-meaning but ineffectual. This need I have for Buffy isn't new. It's not clean 'cos it's tainted by the demon. Thought a soul might change that. Make it all just washed white and shining, the way love should be. But it's still just another piece of the pattern of my existence. Another page in my catalogue of misdirected passion. And she deserves more."

"What do you deserve?" Spike looked up with his face shadowed by resignation. It was like he didn't even think he deserved to be asked the question. How long had he hated himself so much, Willow wondered. This went beyond the soul. This was ancient. This was how Buffy had been.

"Just what I'm getting. Maybe I should let Buffy use me. If I honestly thought it would help her I could deal with it. Somehow. But she needs someone she can love and that isn't me. I'm gonna stick around 'cos I won't risk being somewhere else if she's in trouble. She's not gonna die for lack of backup. Here," he picked up a pencil and a bit of paper and quickly wrote down an address and number. "that's where you can get hold of me. Next time there's a Big Bad about give me a call. I'll be there. And I'll keep checking the cemeteries, keep the newbies dusted. Keep my ear out for anything useful. Alright?"

What could Willow say? No, it's anything but alright. It sucks melons through a bendy straw. How could she let Spike leave feeling as he did? Knowing that there was more to Buffy's feelings than some kind of twisted craving? But until she could prove that to him there was little she could do.

"Can I call you, you know, about other stuff? Just to talk, 'cos talking is what I need to be doing and.I'd kinda like to be doing it with you. In a totally not icky way. You've helped, you know? I knew you would. So, would it be okay?" 'Cos if Spike had helped Willow then it could work the other way too. Once she'd sorted a few things out.

"That'd be fine. No, actually, it'd be really nice. Christ, I'm a pathetic bastard. Nice? I'd be happy to do anything that'd help, Red. Now I'd better get going before the sun makes getting about a problem. All reformed vamps and witches should be getting their kip about now, I reckon." As Spike stood up and headed for the back door, Willow stopped him. After a moment's hesitation she threw her arms around him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you." She released the shocked vampire and tried not to give into embarrassment. After a moment Spike gave her a genuine, face splitting grin.

"No, pet, thank you." And he was gone.

As the door shut behind him Willow let herself enjoy the feeling of peace that was lurking at the edges of her mind, pushing it's way past her fear and remorse. Spike was right, it was gonna get better. All she had to do now was make sure that applied to Spike and Buffy as well as herself.

In the morning she'd sit her friend down and find out exactly what she was feeling about the guilt-ridden vampire. For now, she was gonna head to bed and dream of Tara.