A/N - this continues straight from the end of chapter 11 and runs at the
same time as the interlude A Tale of Two Sinners. The section of this
chapter between two sets of these *** is a little gruesome and isn't
essential to the story line. So if you're a bit squeamish, give it a miss.
And thanks, yet again, to the wonderful Trisha for her beta and support.
Oh, and apologies for the delay ; )
Chapter 11
I don't bother taking off my clothes. It really doesn't matter. And I don't want to think. I've lost the will to act. So why bother? I just throw myself on the bed and pray for my brain to shut down. Hey, it's not like I use it that often. It must need a rest after all the action it's had tonight.
I can hear Willow moving in the kitchen. Maybe that's why the tears won't come. It's more important to hear what's going on downstairs than to dissolve into a puddle of Buffy mush. And when I think about it that way, the mush is so not appealing. The sheets are fresh and you wouldn't believe how much I hate doing laundry. Why the hell am I thinking about laundry? Oh yeh, that's why. So I don't think about him. Will someone just knock me out so I don't have to think at all? Perhaps if I go and wake up Dawn she'll be pissed enough to lay me out. She's developing a mean right hook to go with that full-on kick. I could tell her it's training,
Who am I trying to kid? There's no way I'm gonna let her come close to knowing how much I've screwed up. I don't care how sharing and caring we've maybe over the last few months. This is mine. Mine alone. My loss. My guilt. My loneliness. To be cherished, if that's all I'm allowed. I am so not sharing. Only one guy gets to share and he's not interested. Oh hell, if he was there wouldn't be anything to share!
There's a low mumble of voices coming up through the floor boards. Guess the killers are having their heart to heart. Dammit, I don't want this bitterness, this jealousy. I wanna wish them both well but I just can't find it in me. The Inner Bitch is screaming too loud to come out and play.
Talk louder you two, dammit. I can't hear you down there. I wanna know what's going on. What neither of you will share with me. Please let me in. I'll be quiet. You'll hardly know I'm there. I promise.
I realise I've been rocking back and forth on the bed when the creaking of the bed springs drowns out the mutters from downstairs. Gotta be quiet. And I really should stop strangling poor Mr Gordo. Not like it's his fault. Just the wrong pig at the wrong time. I've always liked pigs. Must be what got me hooked on Spike. 'You're a pig, Spike'. How often have I said that? And most of the time he just smirked right back. Mr Gordo doesn't smirk. Probably 'cos he's a stuffed toy and not a sassy, hot as hell vampire. I think about trying to persuade myself that I'm happier with the pig than I would be with the vamp. But what's the point? Too late to pretend now.
I give up on trying to figure out what they're saying. Probably wouldn't do me any good anyway. Mom used to say that if you listen at doors you'll never hear anything good about yourself. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening at the time. If I'd known she wouldn't get the chance to say it again, I swear I would have listened the first time.
Wonder what she would've made of all this? Probably threatened to stake Spike for all the bad stuff before he left and then sat him down and listened to his problems. With lots of 'there, there's and 'I know's. And, of course, the odd 'Yes, Spike, Buffy can be very difficult at times'. But if Mom had been here it would never, never, never have got so bad. I miss her so much but that little bit of me hates her for leaving me. Didn't she know I needed her? I just realised something. Did Spike need her? Does he miss her? After all it was pretty much just her and Dawn who had any time for him. At the time I thought he was using them to get to me. But he just showed me how wrong I was. I wish he could've seen her before she went. Regret, thy name is Buffy.
Well, doesn't matter what I call myself right now. I've gotta rest. Gotta sleep. Maybe if I'm fresh tomorrow I'll be able to see a way through this. I kinda wish I could go back to how I was before Spike made me notice the world again, back to being numb. It was cold, empty and lonely but it barely touched me then. Right now I've got the same feelings and I can't touch anything else. Just gotta sleep. Gotta let this go.
***
I'm straddling Spike and all my anger, all my frustration is travelling down my arms, into my hands. And onto his face. I'm beating him. I know if I look up, I'll see the alleyway by the police station. But I don't look anywhere but at him. And I don't really see him anyway. I just hear him.
"You're not my girl. You'll never be my girl. I'm just another body to you. You can't love."
With every word I throw another punch. If I hit him hard enough maybe he'll shut up. Maybe it won't be true. Can't let it be true. My eyesight's all blurry. I can see his look of disgust as my tears hit his cheeks. I see the splashes of blood as my knuckles connect with his broken skin. I can't do this. It's all wrong.
I stand up and pull him to his feet. As he staggers I put my arms around him, tell him I'm sorry.
"No you're not" Dawn says as she pulls out of my arms. "You never wanted to come back. You should have stayed dead. It was better then. Spike cared about me but you drove him away. He looked after me. What did you do?"
Before I can stop myself I hit her and she's on the ground.
"Dawnie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"You're always sorry, Buffy, but it doesn't change anything." Instead of Dawn's long, brown hair I see dark blonde curls.
"Oh god, mom!" As I help her up she pulls away from me, clutching her head.
"All that worry you put me through, all those years you lied to me. You drove your father away. Then you brought an abomination into our home. Not once but many times. Vampires, witches, mystical keys. It was too much."
"I didn't want that, mom, any of it. I swear." She straightens out her dress, as she looks me in the eye.
"Well, it's far too late for you to say anything, young lady. You never did know how to show gratitude. You've always been ungrateful. But at least it's not my problem anymore. Thank god."
I want to reach out to her but I can't move. I open my mouth to tell her I love her but I can't speak.
"Nicely done, Buffy. What a wonderful human being you are. Gotta admire that Slayer spirit."
"Willow, where are you?" I try to look round but my body's frozen.
"Don't worry sweetie. We're gonna solve all your problems. But I gotta show you something first."
She walks into my sight line. Oh god, no. Her hair and eyes are pitch black. She's carrying something. It looks like a bundle of fabric. She stops in front of me, head to one side.
"Wanna see? It's really neat."
Whatever it is I don't want to know. Guess I don't have a choice.
She lets the bundle unravel. It's almost white. Maybe a really pale pink. I want to throw up as I realise it's a human skin.
Or maybe not.
I thought it was Warren but the colouring is all wrong. Too pale. Hair too light. Hair so light it's unnatural. No doubt who it is as she spreads it out in front of me, suspending it in the air in a warped imitation of the crucifixion.
Spike, what did she do to you?
"Oh, I know what you're thinking. What did I do to poor old Spikey. But guess what. Me? Didn't do a thing. Nothing for me to do with you around. This is all you left of him. Guess you really sucked him dry. Gotta love the irony. Wanna see a cool trick?"
She turns the skin round so that Spike's empty face is in front of her. She leans in as if to kiss him. She simulates a lovers embrace as she starts breathing into his mouth. I'm beyond sickened as I see the skin start to inflate.
"What do you think? Good for parties?" Willow is grinning at me over Spike's shoulder. When she's sure she's still got my attention she goes back to his lips. And keeps on breathing until he's whole in her arms. She turns him round again and he opens his eyes, looking at me with such loss.
"And here's the really neato special bit. You ready for this?"
She reaches round and shoves her fist into his chest. Spike screams as she grabs something and pulls her hand back out. The world starts to spin when I see his heart in her hand. I still can't move, can't close my eyes, can't look away. His heart should be dead. Not this red, pulsing organ. I can hear the blood pumping through it.
She's still pulling her hand away from his chest, clutching the heart. It's attached to something inside Spike and I see his body start to fold in on itself, following the heart. She's turning him inside out.
"You've so gotta see what happens next. You're gonna love it. Or are you? Don't know, don't really care. But let's see anyway."
Spike's skin is now completely inside out, the heart still attached. As it uncrumples I'm stunned not to see the blood I was expecting. There was no way I could've expected to see this.
I'm looking at myself.
And as I straighten out and flip my hair over my shoulder, Willow holds her hand out to me. I go to take the heart but as I reach for it, it explodes into dust.
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. You broke your new toy. Aren't you gonna say sorry? Buffy?"
***
"Buffy, what's -"
My hand closes round Willow's throat before I realise her hair is flaming red again. Damn Slayer reactions. Oops, maybe now would be a good time to let go.
She slumps down on the edge of the bed, coughing and rubbing her neck. Guess that's gonna leave a bruise. I feel bad but kinda - I don't know - like I got some sort of payback. Don't want to think too closely about payback for what.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Her voice is kinda croaky but that's not so surprising. I wasn't exactly gentle. I should be grateful I didn't kill her. Yet she's more worried about me than what I just did. Now I feel really lousy about the payback thing. Great, more guilt to add to Buffy's little fun bag of sucky emotions. What's she doing in here anyway?
In al the weeks she's been back she's never come into my room uninvited. Thinking about it I can't remember her coming into my room at all.
"I'm.okay, Will. Sorry about the strangulation. Didn't mean it. What's up? Why are you in here anyway? Not that I mind." Gotta make sure I don't send her running. Yeh, it's odd that she's here but I'm hoping it's a change for the better.
"You were screaming. I could hear you and I was worried. Was it really bad? Was it a Slayer dream? Oh god, you weren't in your coffin again, were you? Can I do anything? Do we need to do research? 'Cos if something's coming I can call the gang. Oooo, do you want me to call Giles, 'cos he could be all with the answers? Or I can just shut up and let you get a word in. Yeh, that's a plan." Her face has gone bright red and she's looking at her hands. Poor Willow, she looks like the shy girl who couldn't believe I wanted to be her friend all those years ago. But she's not that girl anymore.
I wonder what to say. It wasn't a prophesy - just my mixed-up subconscious popping up to say hello. In a so not welcome way. I really don't know how much to tell Willow. Don't think she'll want to hear about her part in the action.
"No need to call out the troops. And no graves involved either. Just a plain old nightmare. Extra mean." I reach out my hand and sigh in relief when Willow takes it. There's not been a lot of the touchy stuff between us in a long time. It's like we both had to keep back to stop our glass suits from cracking. Maybe they're gone now. I smile at this and the smile gets bigger when I see Willow's mouth curve up in response. Oh yeh, we're gonna be okay. I have to make sure I don't close her out. And that I don't give her reason to do that to me.
So I'd better start with the dream.
"It was...weird. I won't go into details 'cos, hey, don't really wanna go back there. But the gist is, well, apart from guest appearances from my greatly disappointed nearest and dearest, that I've screwed up. Big time. And too often to count." My hand that isn't being held by Willow is twisting the edge of my bed spread. I know I have to stop or it'll tear but I need to do something. Even something totally pointless.
"Umm, Buffy? Sorry if I'm out of line, but was it anything to do with Spike?"
"Not out of line. Kinda scary that it's so obvious. Yeh, totally about Spike. What am I gonna do Will?" Please let her have the answer. And let it be something like 'go get him' and not more along the lines of 'give it up'.
I risk looking up from torturing the bedclothes. This doesn't look promising. Willow's face shows sympathy, pity. Does that mean it's hopeless? It sure feels that way but I kinda thought that the big one-on- one would give her the major insight into all things Spike and how to make him all Buffy-loving again.
"Well, what do you want? 'Cos if you're thinking you can go jump his bones then I can't, - no, won't - help you. I didn't know what was going on last year, still don't, but I know it was bad. For both of you. So I'm not gonna get involved if that's where you're heading."
"No! No, that's not it. Is that what you thought was going on? Oh god, is that what Spike thought was going on? Willow, please you've got to help me. I've got it all so wrong. I don't...don't...how do I make it right? Please, what do I do? What am I gonna do? You've got to help me. Please. Please."
I can't stop myself crying. It's worse than I thought. It doesn't matter if Spike wants me anymore if he thinks I'd go back to how it was. Why would he think that? Why?
And why am I asking myself when I should be asking Willow? Who's now holding me and rocking me gently. This is more than I'd have hoped for earlier but it's not what I need. Haven't they figured out what I need? I guess it took me so long, I shouldn't really expect them to know.
"Is that why he left? This time, I mean. He has left, hasn't he?"
"Yeh, he went about an hour ago. He's in a bad way, Buffy. He blames himself but I'm guessing some of it's down to you. And the other way round, too. I don't think I really want to know what you did to each other but I'm thinking you might need to tell me someday. Or tell someone at least. So, like I said before, what do you want?" I lean back to look at her. All I see is concern. There's no judgement on her face. And I realise that yeh, I do need to tell her sometime. For now, what do I want?
"Him. Spike. That's what I want. A bit of what we had before and all the things I wouldn't let him give me. And all the things I didn't even consider giving him. The whole works. If that's too much then...I want him to be my friend. I want to be his. I don't know if that's even possible but I'd wanna try. It won't ever be enough but it would be something. I never thought I could be scared of losing Spike. Then I did but I wouldn't think about it. Lose him, I mean. Now, even after everything. Even though there's things you don't now about. Well, maybe you do. But these things are supposed to be unforgivable, on both sides. Anyway, they don't matter. I didn't think I could get past them but they're not even an issue, you know? Spike got past what I did. I've done the same with him. Didn't think I could but I didn't even have to think about it. I just know I love him."
There. I've said it. I've told someone. And it didn't cause the world to end.
Although Willow does look kinda stunned. Like I just hit her with a wet fish. What's that phrase Spike used about me when I got hit by that Fyarl snot? Gobsmaked. Yeh, she looks gobsmaked. I guess laughing now would be kinda inappropriate. Wow, can't remember the last time I said that much to her.
"You...you love him? Oh. Oh wow. That's...Buffy, are you totally stupid?"
"What?" Where the hell did that come from? I thought she was all with the Buffy and Spike party. Should've known I had to keep that one to myself. Dammit, thought I'd stopped crying. Guess not.
"Shhh, Buffy. Don't cry. That came out wrong. But.no, sorry, you really are kinda dumb, you know."
"But you like Spike! Don't you? Isn't that what you meant? Isn't it okay for me to love him? Dammit, Willow, I didn't want to lie but I'm kinda wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Okay, we're done here. I need to get back to sleep. Good night."
As I try to roll over and huddle down into my pillows, Willow grabs my shoulder and hauls me back to face her. She looks kinda embarrassed. Funny, I was expecting anger or disgust or something. Not this uncomfortable expression. Now I'm really confused.
"Okay, one? No need to lie. Two - it is okay to love Spike, I just didn't realise that's what this was. No, that's wrong. I hoped it was but I didn't think you knew. Three - you're stupid 'cos...why did you tell me? He's the one that needs to know."
"But he does know. He just doesn't care."
"That's it. Buffy, get your ass out of that bed and get some clothes on. Jeez, good thing I'm here. C'mon, hurry up!"
Now she's in front of the wardrobe and throwing stuff at me. And she moves across to the dresser and I get hit in the face by my underwear. What the hell is she doing?
"Willow -"
"Move it, Buffy. Stop wasting time. I'll get your shoes. If you're not dressed in the next five seconds I'll dress you myself, got it?"
No, not so much, but I realise she's serious. This top doesn't go with the trousers but I'm thinking now's not the best time to mention fashion. Willow is on a mission and it looks like part of the mission is me. By the time I've got dressed Willow's gone out and come back again. She's got my shoes in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. She drops the shoes at my feet and shoves the paper into my hand. It's Spike's handwriting.
"Buffy, he doesn't know. You never told him. So that's what you're gonna do, got it? He wrote down where he's staying so I could stay in touch. Left a phone number and everything. I'm sorry if I yelled but I can't believe how dumb you've been. Now get you're ass moving and tell the poor bastard how you feel."
Willow swore! Oh, right, not important. Spike doesn't know? How can he not know? Oh yeh, 'cos I kept telling him it was never gonna happen, couldn't ever happen. And all he believes now is what I told him before. Well, thank god for Willow.
I thrust my feet into my shoes and hop out of my bedroom as I pull them all the way on. I haven't looked at the paper so I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll figure that out once I'm down the stairs. One thing I do know.
I'm off to tell a vampire that I can't live without him.
Chapter 11
I don't bother taking off my clothes. It really doesn't matter. And I don't want to think. I've lost the will to act. So why bother? I just throw myself on the bed and pray for my brain to shut down. Hey, it's not like I use it that often. It must need a rest after all the action it's had tonight.
I can hear Willow moving in the kitchen. Maybe that's why the tears won't come. It's more important to hear what's going on downstairs than to dissolve into a puddle of Buffy mush. And when I think about it that way, the mush is so not appealing. The sheets are fresh and you wouldn't believe how much I hate doing laundry. Why the hell am I thinking about laundry? Oh yeh, that's why. So I don't think about him. Will someone just knock me out so I don't have to think at all? Perhaps if I go and wake up Dawn she'll be pissed enough to lay me out. She's developing a mean right hook to go with that full-on kick. I could tell her it's training,
Who am I trying to kid? There's no way I'm gonna let her come close to knowing how much I've screwed up. I don't care how sharing and caring we've maybe over the last few months. This is mine. Mine alone. My loss. My guilt. My loneliness. To be cherished, if that's all I'm allowed. I am so not sharing. Only one guy gets to share and he's not interested. Oh hell, if he was there wouldn't be anything to share!
There's a low mumble of voices coming up through the floor boards. Guess the killers are having their heart to heart. Dammit, I don't want this bitterness, this jealousy. I wanna wish them both well but I just can't find it in me. The Inner Bitch is screaming too loud to come out and play.
Talk louder you two, dammit. I can't hear you down there. I wanna know what's going on. What neither of you will share with me. Please let me in. I'll be quiet. You'll hardly know I'm there. I promise.
I realise I've been rocking back and forth on the bed when the creaking of the bed springs drowns out the mutters from downstairs. Gotta be quiet. And I really should stop strangling poor Mr Gordo. Not like it's his fault. Just the wrong pig at the wrong time. I've always liked pigs. Must be what got me hooked on Spike. 'You're a pig, Spike'. How often have I said that? And most of the time he just smirked right back. Mr Gordo doesn't smirk. Probably 'cos he's a stuffed toy and not a sassy, hot as hell vampire. I think about trying to persuade myself that I'm happier with the pig than I would be with the vamp. But what's the point? Too late to pretend now.
I give up on trying to figure out what they're saying. Probably wouldn't do me any good anyway. Mom used to say that if you listen at doors you'll never hear anything good about yourself. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening at the time. If I'd known she wouldn't get the chance to say it again, I swear I would have listened the first time.
Wonder what she would've made of all this? Probably threatened to stake Spike for all the bad stuff before he left and then sat him down and listened to his problems. With lots of 'there, there's and 'I know's. And, of course, the odd 'Yes, Spike, Buffy can be very difficult at times'. But if Mom had been here it would never, never, never have got so bad. I miss her so much but that little bit of me hates her for leaving me. Didn't she know I needed her? I just realised something. Did Spike need her? Does he miss her? After all it was pretty much just her and Dawn who had any time for him. At the time I thought he was using them to get to me. But he just showed me how wrong I was. I wish he could've seen her before she went. Regret, thy name is Buffy.
Well, doesn't matter what I call myself right now. I've gotta rest. Gotta sleep. Maybe if I'm fresh tomorrow I'll be able to see a way through this. I kinda wish I could go back to how I was before Spike made me notice the world again, back to being numb. It was cold, empty and lonely but it barely touched me then. Right now I've got the same feelings and I can't touch anything else. Just gotta sleep. Gotta let this go.
***
I'm straddling Spike and all my anger, all my frustration is travelling down my arms, into my hands. And onto his face. I'm beating him. I know if I look up, I'll see the alleyway by the police station. But I don't look anywhere but at him. And I don't really see him anyway. I just hear him.
"You're not my girl. You'll never be my girl. I'm just another body to you. You can't love."
With every word I throw another punch. If I hit him hard enough maybe he'll shut up. Maybe it won't be true. Can't let it be true. My eyesight's all blurry. I can see his look of disgust as my tears hit his cheeks. I see the splashes of blood as my knuckles connect with his broken skin. I can't do this. It's all wrong.
I stand up and pull him to his feet. As he staggers I put my arms around him, tell him I'm sorry.
"No you're not" Dawn says as she pulls out of my arms. "You never wanted to come back. You should have stayed dead. It was better then. Spike cared about me but you drove him away. He looked after me. What did you do?"
Before I can stop myself I hit her and she's on the ground.
"Dawnie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"You're always sorry, Buffy, but it doesn't change anything." Instead of Dawn's long, brown hair I see dark blonde curls.
"Oh god, mom!" As I help her up she pulls away from me, clutching her head.
"All that worry you put me through, all those years you lied to me. You drove your father away. Then you brought an abomination into our home. Not once but many times. Vampires, witches, mystical keys. It was too much."
"I didn't want that, mom, any of it. I swear." She straightens out her dress, as she looks me in the eye.
"Well, it's far too late for you to say anything, young lady. You never did know how to show gratitude. You've always been ungrateful. But at least it's not my problem anymore. Thank god."
I want to reach out to her but I can't move. I open my mouth to tell her I love her but I can't speak.
"Nicely done, Buffy. What a wonderful human being you are. Gotta admire that Slayer spirit."
"Willow, where are you?" I try to look round but my body's frozen.
"Don't worry sweetie. We're gonna solve all your problems. But I gotta show you something first."
She walks into my sight line. Oh god, no. Her hair and eyes are pitch black. She's carrying something. It looks like a bundle of fabric. She stops in front of me, head to one side.
"Wanna see? It's really neat."
Whatever it is I don't want to know. Guess I don't have a choice.
She lets the bundle unravel. It's almost white. Maybe a really pale pink. I want to throw up as I realise it's a human skin.
Or maybe not.
I thought it was Warren but the colouring is all wrong. Too pale. Hair too light. Hair so light it's unnatural. No doubt who it is as she spreads it out in front of me, suspending it in the air in a warped imitation of the crucifixion.
Spike, what did she do to you?
"Oh, I know what you're thinking. What did I do to poor old Spikey. But guess what. Me? Didn't do a thing. Nothing for me to do with you around. This is all you left of him. Guess you really sucked him dry. Gotta love the irony. Wanna see a cool trick?"
She turns the skin round so that Spike's empty face is in front of her. She leans in as if to kiss him. She simulates a lovers embrace as she starts breathing into his mouth. I'm beyond sickened as I see the skin start to inflate.
"What do you think? Good for parties?" Willow is grinning at me over Spike's shoulder. When she's sure she's still got my attention she goes back to his lips. And keeps on breathing until he's whole in her arms. She turns him round again and he opens his eyes, looking at me with such loss.
"And here's the really neato special bit. You ready for this?"
She reaches round and shoves her fist into his chest. Spike screams as she grabs something and pulls her hand back out. The world starts to spin when I see his heart in her hand. I still can't move, can't close my eyes, can't look away. His heart should be dead. Not this red, pulsing organ. I can hear the blood pumping through it.
She's still pulling her hand away from his chest, clutching the heart. It's attached to something inside Spike and I see his body start to fold in on itself, following the heart. She's turning him inside out.
"You've so gotta see what happens next. You're gonna love it. Or are you? Don't know, don't really care. But let's see anyway."
Spike's skin is now completely inside out, the heart still attached. As it uncrumples I'm stunned not to see the blood I was expecting. There was no way I could've expected to see this.
I'm looking at myself.
And as I straighten out and flip my hair over my shoulder, Willow holds her hand out to me. I go to take the heart but as I reach for it, it explodes into dust.
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. You broke your new toy. Aren't you gonna say sorry? Buffy?"
***
"Buffy, what's -"
My hand closes round Willow's throat before I realise her hair is flaming red again. Damn Slayer reactions. Oops, maybe now would be a good time to let go.
She slumps down on the edge of the bed, coughing and rubbing her neck. Guess that's gonna leave a bruise. I feel bad but kinda - I don't know - like I got some sort of payback. Don't want to think too closely about payback for what.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Her voice is kinda croaky but that's not so surprising. I wasn't exactly gentle. I should be grateful I didn't kill her. Yet she's more worried about me than what I just did. Now I feel really lousy about the payback thing. Great, more guilt to add to Buffy's little fun bag of sucky emotions. What's she doing in here anyway?
In al the weeks she's been back she's never come into my room uninvited. Thinking about it I can't remember her coming into my room at all.
"I'm.okay, Will. Sorry about the strangulation. Didn't mean it. What's up? Why are you in here anyway? Not that I mind." Gotta make sure I don't send her running. Yeh, it's odd that she's here but I'm hoping it's a change for the better.
"You were screaming. I could hear you and I was worried. Was it really bad? Was it a Slayer dream? Oh god, you weren't in your coffin again, were you? Can I do anything? Do we need to do research? 'Cos if something's coming I can call the gang. Oooo, do you want me to call Giles, 'cos he could be all with the answers? Or I can just shut up and let you get a word in. Yeh, that's a plan." Her face has gone bright red and she's looking at her hands. Poor Willow, she looks like the shy girl who couldn't believe I wanted to be her friend all those years ago. But she's not that girl anymore.
I wonder what to say. It wasn't a prophesy - just my mixed-up subconscious popping up to say hello. In a so not welcome way. I really don't know how much to tell Willow. Don't think she'll want to hear about her part in the action.
"No need to call out the troops. And no graves involved either. Just a plain old nightmare. Extra mean." I reach out my hand and sigh in relief when Willow takes it. There's not been a lot of the touchy stuff between us in a long time. It's like we both had to keep back to stop our glass suits from cracking. Maybe they're gone now. I smile at this and the smile gets bigger when I see Willow's mouth curve up in response. Oh yeh, we're gonna be okay. I have to make sure I don't close her out. And that I don't give her reason to do that to me.
So I'd better start with the dream.
"It was...weird. I won't go into details 'cos, hey, don't really wanna go back there. But the gist is, well, apart from guest appearances from my greatly disappointed nearest and dearest, that I've screwed up. Big time. And too often to count." My hand that isn't being held by Willow is twisting the edge of my bed spread. I know I have to stop or it'll tear but I need to do something. Even something totally pointless.
"Umm, Buffy? Sorry if I'm out of line, but was it anything to do with Spike?"
"Not out of line. Kinda scary that it's so obvious. Yeh, totally about Spike. What am I gonna do Will?" Please let her have the answer. And let it be something like 'go get him' and not more along the lines of 'give it up'.
I risk looking up from torturing the bedclothes. This doesn't look promising. Willow's face shows sympathy, pity. Does that mean it's hopeless? It sure feels that way but I kinda thought that the big one-on- one would give her the major insight into all things Spike and how to make him all Buffy-loving again.
"Well, what do you want? 'Cos if you're thinking you can go jump his bones then I can't, - no, won't - help you. I didn't know what was going on last year, still don't, but I know it was bad. For both of you. So I'm not gonna get involved if that's where you're heading."
"No! No, that's not it. Is that what you thought was going on? Oh god, is that what Spike thought was going on? Willow, please you've got to help me. I've got it all so wrong. I don't...don't...how do I make it right? Please, what do I do? What am I gonna do? You've got to help me. Please. Please."
I can't stop myself crying. It's worse than I thought. It doesn't matter if Spike wants me anymore if he thinks I'd go back to how it was. Why would he think that? Why?
And why am I asking myself when I should be asking Willow? Who's now holding me and rocking me gently. This is more than I'd have hoped for earlier but it's not what I need. Haven't they figured out what I need? I guess it took me so long, I shouldn't really expect them to know.
"Is that why he left? This time, I mean. He has left, hasn't he?"
"Yeh, he went about an hour ago. He's in a bad way, Buffy. He blames himself but I'm guessing some of it's down to you. And the other way round, too. I don't think I really want to know what you did to each other but I'm thinking you might need to tell me someday. Or tell someone at least. So, like I said before, what do you want?" I lean back to look at her. All I see is concern. There's no judgement on her face. And I realise that yeh, I do need to tell her sometime. For now, what do I want?
"Him. Spike. That's what I want. A bit of what we had before and all the things I wouldn't let him give me. And all the things I didn't even consider giving him. The whole works. If that's too much then...I want him to be my friend. I want to be his. I don't know if that's even possible but I'd wanna try. It won't ever be enough but it would be something. I never thought I could be scared of losing Spike. Then I did but I wouldn't think about it. Lose him, I mean. Now, even after everything. Even though there's things you don't now about. Well, maybe you do. But these things are supposed to be unforgivable, on both sides. Anyway, they don't matter. I didn't think I could get past them but they're not even an issue, you know? Spike got past what I did. I've done the same with him. Didn't think I could but I didn't even have to think about it. I just know I love him."
There. I've said it. I've told someone. And it didn't cause the world to end.
Although Willow does look kinda stunned. Like I just hit her with a wet fish. What's that phrase Spike used about me when I got hit by that Fyarl snot? Gobsmaked. Yeh, she looks gobsmaked. I guess laughing now would be kinda inappropriate. Wow, can't remember the last time I said that much to her.
"You...you love him? Oh. Oh wow. That's...Buffy, are you totally stupid?"
"What?" Where the hell did that come from? I thought she was all with the Buffy and Spike party. Should've known I had to keep that one to myself. Dammit, thought I'd stopped crying. Guess not.
"Shhh, Buffy. Don't cry. That came out wrong. But.no, sorry, you really are kinda dumb, you know."
"But you like Spike! Don't you? Isn't that what you meant? Isn't it okay for me to love him? Dammit, Willow, I didn't want to lie but I'm kinda wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Okay, we're done here. I need to get back to sleep. Good night."
As I try to roll over and huddle down into my pillows, Willow grabs my shoulder and hauls me back to face her. She looks kinda embarrassed. Funny, I was expecting anger or disgust or something. Not this uncomfortable expression. Now I'm really confused.
"Okay, one? No need to lie. Two - it is okay to love Spike, I just didn't realise that's what this was. No, that's wrong. I hoped it was but I didn't think you knew. Three - you're stupid 'cos...why did you tell me? He's the one that needs to know."
"But he does know. He just doesn't care."
"That's it. Buffy, get your ass out of that bed and get some clothes on. Jeez, good thing I'm here. C'mon, hurry up!"
Now she's in front of the wardrobe and throwing stuff at me. And she moves across to the dresser and I get hit in the face by my underwear. What the hell is she doing?
"Willow -"
"Move it, Buffy. Stop wasting time. I'll get your shoes. If you're not dressed in the next five seconds I'll dress you myself, got it?"
No, not so much, but I realise she's serious. This top doesn't go with the trousers but I'm thinking now's not the best time to mention fashion. Willow is on a mission and it looks like part of the mission is me. By the time I've got dressed Willow's gone out and come back again. She's got my shoes in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. She drops the shoes at my feet and shoves the paper into my hand. It's Spike's handwriting.
"Buffy, he doesn't know. You never told him. So that's what you're gonna do, got it? He wrote down where he's staying so I could stay in touch. Left a phone number and everything. I'm sorry if I yelled but I can't believe how dumb you've been. Now get you're ass moving and tell the poor bastard how you feel."
Willow swore! Oh, right, not important. Spike doesn't know? How can he not know? Oh yeh, 'cos I kept telling him it was never gonna happen, couldn't ever happen. And all he believes now is what I told him before. Well, thank god for Willow.
I thrust my feet into my shoes and hop out of my bedroom as I pull them all the way on. I haven't looked at the paper so I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll figure that out once I'm down the stairs. One thing I do know.
I'm off to tell a vampire that I can't live without him.
