A/N - well, it's finally here. This is the last chapter, folks. More of
an A/N at the end. Oh yeah, lines between these (*) are song lyrics.
Disclaimer at end.
Done Waiting - Chapter 12
I really never thought I'd be back here again. Home of bad memories and wistful thoughts. Can't be much better for Spike. Hell, it's probably worse. Maybe that's why he chose it.
When Willow shoved the paper in my hand and sent me on my Spike hunt, I didn't stop to check where I was going until I was halfway to his old crypt. Had a total 'duh' moment when I realised that I wouldn't need an address if that was where he was hiding. Automatic pilot had me nearly to the door before I stopped long enough to read where I should be heading. And the lack of light made it a bitch to read the faint writing. So I had to back track to the cemetery gates to find a street lamp. Geez, you'da thought with all the night time activity going on in Sunnydale's graveyards that someone would fix up a few street lamps. It'd sure make my job easier. But no, the no-brains that claim to run this town don't think that far. If they think at all. Which is kinda doubtful.
Anyway, when I finally got somewhere light enough for me to make out the address of Spike's new lair-sweet-lair I nearly turned round and went home. 'Cos like I said, what I remember of this place? Not of the good.
The mansion looks smaller than I recall. Guess it's all about that perspective thingy. It was a huge part of my life so it looked...well, huge. Now it's just a place I used to know. Not so big. Not so important. Still, if it wasn't for the bleached wonder I'd just have kept on avoiding this little part of old Sunny-D. Speaking of, time to stop musing and start knocking.
As I walk up to the door I can hear music. It's kinda familiar but no way would I associate it with Spike. Doesn't sound like his cup-of-blood. Too angsty teen? Too mournful lost love? Okay, maybe it suits him after all. But I still can't place it.
*-from falling to my knees. One step away -*
Something about it makes me wanna dance. I can feel my hips starting to sway. I know I've done this before. Not the knocking on Spike's front door, 'cos manners aren't something I've used with my vamp punching bag. More likely to slam my way in and make demands. Which last year would end with Spike slamming...
Bad thoughts. Shouldn't go there.
The music is really starting to get to me. Wish I could place it. It's not that I don't like it... I just don't get it. It's another of those not- Spike things that Spike is suddenly full of. Only I don't really know how not-Spike they are 'cos I've realised that I don't know him. I didn't want to. So let's add another item to the bags I'm taking with me on my guilt trip. I'm just glad when the song stops and I finally feel free to hammer on the door. Only it's more of a gentle tap. 'Cos I'm not sure what I'm gonna say when he answers. 'I love you' seems kinda abrupt. And really, really scary.
*-stupid thing last night. I called you A moment of weakness. No, not a moment -*
Christ, it's that same song! Has he got the damn thing on repeat, or what? So not only have I got to think fast about what I'm gonna say, I've also gotta knock loud enough to be heard over the song that wouldn't end. Just great.
Well, a frustrated Slayer is a loud Slayer. Without thinking I've reacted to being pissed off by whaling on the door. So now I'm standing here, startled, fist raised in front of me, as I hear the sounds of pounded wood echoing back at me. Geez, Summers, talk about waking the dead! Way to go.
Under the sound of that damn song and the echo of my knock, I can hear footsteps. Which is a shock 'cos Spike's usually all with the stealth. Nearly scared the life outta me more than once with his creeping up on silent feet. Not that I'd tell him that, what with the Slayer senses that are supposed to warn me long before he gets close. Just that sometimes they, well, don't work. Okay, they work. I just get caught up in thinking bout stuff and ignore them. And that's something no-one gets to know. Giles would go ape. It's not like it's my fault I have a lot of things on my mind. Like now. Which is why I didn't hear the door open.
And suddenly Spike is standing in front of me. I know it's only been a couple of hours since I last saw him but it feels like forever. Is this what it used to be like for him? Is this why he used to hang out under my tree all night? I think I get it now. I'd wait days for a glimpse of him. And just look at him now. I guess he was settling down for the night, er, day. 'Cos his shirt is open all the way down and his hair is all messy like he's just got up. Yummy. He's leaning against the door frame, one hand still on the door, his head tilted down and to the side so it's like he's looking up at me. And his eyes...his eyes...
"Slayer. Right, it better be in the sewers or something like, else I'm gonna be bugger all help. What's required? Axe? Sword? Or a combination?"
"Huh?"
"What's the weapon of choice?"
"Weapon?"
Did I miss something? 'Cos I swear there was no lead in. I know I was kinda out of it but I'm sure I didn't miss anything he said. And my brain isn't coping too well with the figuring out 'cos not only are the words not making sense but all I can see is Spike's naked chest. A girl just doesn't need these distractions.
"Buffy?" Ooo, he sounds kinda...worried. He's worried about me. That's so sweet. And I can't help looking up and smiling.
"You've got really nice eyes. All blue and...blue. Except the black part." Shit, said that out loud.
"Right. So it's some sort of hypnotic beastie is it?"
"Huh?" Well done, Buff. Back to the single syllable vocab. Willow would be so proud.
"The beastie. Works some kind of mojo, does it? Got to say, I'm surprised Red let you out by yourself considering the state of you. Should've called. After all, that's why I left my number. What's she thinking, letting you wander about all alone when some bugger's played tic-tac-toe with your brain cells." He's looking over my shoulder as if he expects to see someone, or something, else behind me. Okay, still not sure what he's talking about but I can deal.
"Phone number" is all I manage as I wave the bit of paper in the air. Now the worried look is a bit closer to panic.
He leans toward me, looking into my eyes. It reminds me of how he'd act just before he'd try to kiss me. Just before I'd push him away. Gentle kisses weren't allowed. But if that's where he's heading now there's no way I'm gonna stop him.
"Let's get you inside, pet. I'll call Red and see what the Hell's going on. After I've got you settled. C'mon, Buffy, I know you can move else you wouldn't have been able to get here. Buffy? C'mon pet, put one foot in front of the other." And he takes my arm to start leading me into the mansion.
No kissage then. Not much of a surprise after earlier. But a girl lives in hope. Weird, huh? Used to be Spike doing all the hoping. I really should try to say something. Something that actually makes sense.
"What are you talking about, Spike?" Nice, subtle re-entry into the world of the coherent.
I really should've waited till we got through the door 'cos now he's let go of my arm. And he's blocking my way in.
"Alright, what the hell is going on here! Are we going demon kicking or what? And why where you hammering on my door and standing out there like some sort of bleedin' zombie? You were almost catatonic, you stupid bint!" Wow, he can go from concerned to pissed in two seconds flat. Which is not good news for me. He doesn't look receptive to a declaration of undying affection. In fact he just looks like he's thinking about ripping my head off. Oops.
"I need to tell you something" Okay, heading along the right lines.
Spike looks at me for a moment then steps back. Good, he's letting me in. So why has he put his hand up to stop me?
"Buffy, go home. And tell Red her invitation just got revoked." He's closing the door! Uh uh, mister. No way are you stopping me this time. As he's not slamming the door my foot shouldn't get broken now that I've put it in the way.
"Spike -"
"No! No more talking. It doesn't help either of us. Or are you too damned stupid to realise that? Please, Buffy, just leave me in peace. I just wanna rest, alright? Come back when you need a hand with the next Big Bad and not before. Else I'm going to have to move again and I really can't be doing with it. Oh, and I'll take this. Don't need you phoning all hours either." And with that he snatches the piece of paper out of my hand and starts trying to gently push me out of the doorway.
"Please. I don't have to come in. I mean, I'd like to but... And I promise I won't come back or call or anything. Unless there's some uber nastie that I need your help dealing with. And don't blame Will. Okay, so she told me where you were. And she made me come over but...er...dammit. Just a couple of moments. I just need to figure out how to put this. And you can't send me home yet 'cos Willow will be so pissed with me if I don't do this. I mean, really. And have you any idea how rough it is sharing house and home with a cranky witch? Mucho badness. Herbs end up in the wrong places and it's just icky. Totally. So, ummm, you see how it is." I know I'm using puppy dog eyes and I'm ashamed of myself. Really. Okay, not so much. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Just gotta pray it works. Please, oh rulers of the universe, make Spike play nice.
I can hear a low growl coming from Spike's throat and he's tilted his head back. I'd think he was looking at the ceiling only his eyes are closed. Does Spike pray? He's muttering something. Oh, 'give me strength!' - I guess that's a kind of prayer, right? Whatever, as long as he doesn't send me away.
"Right, you've got two minutes. And you're not coming in. Whatever you've got to say can be said on the doorstep. And your countdown's started so you'd better get on with it." Huh? Crap. My mind's gone kinda blank. All I can think of is 'tick, tick, tick' which is so not of the helpful.
And he's looking at me, not a trace of warmth in his eyes. I got so used to the soft light there and it's gone. I drove it away.
"One minute. If you're not going to say anything just nod and I'll get back to what I was doing before you so rudely interrupted."
"I forgive you." Okaaayyyy, where did that come from?
But it got a reaction. Have you ever seen a stunned vamp? How many times have I seen that expression tonight? And how quickly he goes from stunned to angry. Totally amazing.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been taken over by pod people? 'Cos you are not Buffy Summers. You cannot stand there and say that, d'you hear? You bloody can't. No. Don't you dare. I'm not having you crying on my doorstep. Stop it! Arrrrggghhhh!" Until he said it I didn't even realise the tears were falling. Put it down to not enough sleep and way too much stress. That, and being miserable as all get out. And why does he have to yell? Now I can't stop! Big meanie.
"S...s...s...sorry. *sniff* I...I...I *sob* Sp...Sp...Spike!" Ack, it feels like my face is melting. And I hate having to use my sleeve to wipe my eyes. Not that it's helping 'cos I still can't stop and all I've got is a soggy sleeve. And probably a red nose and eyes. And if he didn't want me before, he's gonna take one look now at Buffy the Snot Monster and run screaming. I'm ugly!
"Shhh, pet. You'll never be ugly. Just not possible. C'mon, sorry I yelled an' all. See, you can come in and I'll sit you down and we'll get this all sorted." How come he's all nice now! And why did he only understand the ugly bit? Which I totally didn't mean to say out loud. And he's letting me in. He's so sweet. And sometimes he's cute. And sometimes cuddly. And I'm such a...a mess! He's being so nice to me, all of a sudden.
"Nothing sudden, sweet."
What is it with me and the saying of things out loud? No, Summers, not thinking time, listening time.
"Always wanted to be nice. Not what you wanted though, was it? But no point raking up old history. Not the time. Mind you, probably the right place. What's this all about then? Can't have you wandering the streets of Sunnyhell all sniffling and whatnot. Probably can't even see where you're going. Some bugger'll take a right big chunk out of you in this state. God, I'm such a wanker. A few tears and all my good intentions go straight out the window. Mind, you're a piece of work yourself. Turning up like this, all monosyllabic, then turning on the waterworks. Not playing fair, Summers. Bloke doesn't stand a chance. Right, you comfy? Wanna drink of something? All that leaking you're doing must be drying you out. I'll go see what I've got in this morgue of mine."
How did I get from the door to the couch? It's a blank. But a good one 'cos Spike's taking care of me. I like that. Forgot how good it felt. Forgot he could do that. But where's he going?
"Don't go!"
"S'alright, luv. Was just going to fetch you a little something to wet your whistle. But if you don't want it, not a problem. I'll just sit here, alright?" He's sitting next to me and I want to snuggle up against him but I learnt my lesson earlier.
We sit in silence - for all of ten seconds. Then that song starts up. Again!
"Jeez, Spike! How many repeats is this thing on? It's gone through - what? - five plays since I got here. And why this song? I mean, it's okay. Or it was the first two times. But you know what? Not really worth repeated listening." I'm tempted to get up and turn the damn player off. But that would mean moving and the only place I want to move is closer to Spike.
Then I worry that Spike's gonna move and turn off the music 'cos I complained. Should've kept my mouth shut. After a few moments his silence and stillness makes me stop worrying. Until I realise that silence and stillness are even more not-Spike than the music. I'm not sure how but I think I might've screwed up again. Nice to know I'm consistent.
"As it's already been a night for telling tales of the deep an' dark corners of my psyche, I reckon I might as well continue." As he runs his hand through his hair I can't help thinking I wish his fingers were mine. I can almost feel the curls against my skin. Bad Buffy! Talk time, not lust time.
"To be bloody honest, I hate this song. It's sodding awful. So you could say I'm doing a bit of self-mutilation on the old eardrums. Happens now and then."
He takes a deep breath and for a moment I think he's gonna stand up and start pacing. But he just sighs and continues.
"I've known three Slayers. Intimately. Two 'cos you don't get much more bloody intimate than death. And the other being you. No surprise there. And I've got a little tie to all of them. First one, still got a bit of her inside me, even after all this time. Second, well, I've already 'fessed up about the coat. And third, this god awful song. Course, the soul 's gonna be a handy little reminder of your charms from now on but I'm still getting used to the sodding thing. Thought I'd go with something a little more familiar. So there you go. If you don't like it, feel free to leave."
Okay, colour me confused! Not that he knows I'm not quite there on this one 'cos he did the whole explaino rant looking away from me. I thought the song was familiar but the more I think about it the more sure I am that I've never played it or owned it or whatever. So what's the what?
"Right. Okay. With you, kinda. A bit freaked but I did wonder if you had any more momentos. And really coulda done without the other Slayer. I mean, eeewww. Yep, all with the 'Spike's a killer' thing and it being totally not of the good. So I get it, really didn't need the details. But I gotta ask. Why this song? I don't even know it."
"Didn't say you did, Slayer. Just said it was my tie to you. I could hear it anywhere in the world, just a couple of notes, and I'd see you. In my mind. Not how you are now. Not how you were when we were shagging against any convenient hard surface. But how you were the first time I laid eyes on you. Christ, I remember thinking you'd be the easiest one yet. Too bloody young, too bloody clueless and so caught up in being a teenager you wouldn't stand a chance. Didn't notice much more at the time. Later on, when I realised I was royally fucked because I'd fallen for your precious self, I wondered if that's when it started. But it wasn't. You were just prey, then. To be taken out and celebrated as another victory."
He's still being not-Spike. It's starting to freak me out. Even more than what he's saying. He's too calm, too still. My Spike used to rant and pace and be a pain in the ass. This Spike...this Spike is like a ghost. God, I think I finally found the way to use words. 'Cos I'm thinking that sometime during the beatings and the sex and the denial, I slayed him and didn't notice. And now he's gonna haunt me. By not being there. Okay, so kinda making with the sense that isn't here but...doesn't mean I can't go into mourning. Wonder if Will's got a spell that can raise the dead when they're still walking? Dammit, Spike, stop sitting there like a freakin' stone. Be my Spike, the undead guy who couldn't stay still for two minutes straight.
But at least he's breaking the silence.
"My third Slayer in the bag. That's what I thought, watching you. Oh, I got hard. Had a fine old time with Dru that night. But it was the anticipation of the fight. The thought of your sweet, hot blood running down my throat. I was sporting wood for days just thinking about your death. It was supposed to be easy. Took a while for me to learn there's nothing easy about you. That night I watched you. Saw you dancing with the dynamic duo. Didn't think you'd be around long enough for me to get anything decent by way of a reminder. Knew there'd be no knickknacks or garments I'd want. You weren't really my style, so to speak. Was gonna drink you but blood was my thing from the first Slayer. Needed something different for you. That's when I decided it had to be something from that first moment, something that let me feel all that anticipation again and again. Something that would in no way be connected to anything else."
And now he moves. Now I can see that energy under the surface that used to let me pretend I was making out with someone alive. It's in every muscle. I can see the tension in his back as he walks away. Still looking calm. Still not looking at me. Just doesn't want to be near me, I guess.
"So after you dusted that ponce and we had our little introduction and I promised you death, I went and found the band that'd been playing. Asked for a demo tape. Talked up how much I liked their style. Practised a bit of the old charm. Then had them for dinner. It was meant to be something to relish, now it's the soundtrack to my being eternally fucked over. Started listening to it that summer you were gone, trying to recall how vibrant you'd been. How you glowed, even before I knew your name. When you came back I hid it away again but only until I realised you weren't really there, so I still needed to hear it to picture you happy. Now. God, now it's part of my atonement. The proof I wanted you dead, that I was evil. Huh. Wouldn't think I needed a reminder, would you? But I do need it. Got to be clear that I came to this pissant town to hurt you. And that's all I ever managed to do."
No, it wasn't you! You tried to help. I was the one going round hitting and scratching. I wanted to hurt me but I hurt you even more. How do I get you to see that? You're supposed to see through me, so how come you still think you're to blame?
"D'you mind?"
Huh? Mind what? That I've totally fucked up or that you're gonna let it be your fault?
Then I realise he's holding his lighter up, a cigarette in his mouth. My Spike never asked if I minded him smoking. Maybe I should ask if I can have one too. If I'm gonna feel guilty I might as well have a bad habit to feel guilty about. Not like anything else is an issue. Yeah, and I'm gonna start up the Drusilla fan club.
"You feeling a bit calmer, pet? 'Cos after my little revelation, I'm feeling a tad knackered. Been a long night and I'd like to get some sleep. So, any chance of you buggering off in the near future?" I guess he took my silence as an okay 'cos he's taking drags on his cigarette. His cheekbones stand out as he inhales. He's facing me, looking straight at me for the first time since he started his history lesson. But I can't read his face. And not just 'cos of the smoke in the way. It used to be so easy. Maybe because he never felt the need to hide. He seems real good at hiding now.
Dammit, when I didn't want to know that you could think and feel as much as, if not more than, everyone...human, I couldn't escape it. Now, when I want...need to know what you're thinking, you won't let me. Spike, what am I gonna do?
"Buffy, stop zoning out on me. You're alright. No damage done. So will you please just leave?"
Spike seems to have a thing for grabbing my arm tonight. 'Cos he's just got hold of me again and started pulling me up off the couch. Looks like I'm leaving.
"You're wrong. You are so wrong. I'm not alright. I can't leave. Not yet. There's so much damage, Spike, and it's all my fault. Forgive me?"
"I told you before not to talk about forgiveness, Slayer."
"But I have to. I need you to forgive me. Whatever you think. Can't you do that? Give me that?" I can't read his face. Gotta hope he can read mine.
"Not playing fair, girl. I'd give you anything you bloody asked for, you know that. As long as it wouldn't cause you more pain. There's nothing to forgive, alright? If you're so sodding sure that you need my forgiveness, then you've got it. Just don't expect me to understand what it's supposed to be for. Happy now?"
God, no. But praying I'll get there.
"Is that it? You done now? You did what Red wanted - and her invitation's still revoked before you ask - so it's time to toddle off and leave this vamp to punishing his eardrums."
His grip on my arm tightens and he's pulling me out of the room. Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't think of anything to say. I've got my 'forgiveness' but guess it didn't include an extension on my deadline. Jeez, I've had teachers who were more flexible. I know I've gotta stall, give myself a couple of moments to get my head together. So I can do what I came here for.
"Why did you love me?"
Well, we've stopped moving so I guess it worked. But really don't want to see his face. 'Cos now he's holding my arm so tight I think he's cut off the circulation. My fingers are all tingly. And it's not the good - or bad - tingle I usually associate with Spike. This is gonna be painful, in oh so many ways.
"You made me feel alive, y'know that? Reminded me what living is. It's waiting. Always waiting for something. Hoping that if you're patient, if you give it time, then you'll get what you want. Spent a lot of time waiting for you. It's the opposite of being a vampire. Being dead. Because then...then you never wait for anything. You want it, you take it. Nothing is out of your reach 'cos there's nothing you want that you can't have. Don't want love, not in the same way. Don't want fucking kindness, that's for sure. Just want to destroy and devour. You made me want something more and you made me wait for it."
Want. Take. Have.
Huh. Now why does that sound familiar? Oh Spike, I so know what you're saying. And I remember being dead. Really dead. Everything I wanted was there. No waiting. It was...well, heaven. And when I came back and I was still dead, I just took. I took you and everything you offered. No waiting, no love, no kindness. Yep, guess you were right when you said we were the same. Funny that you found out how to live before I did. That you've got a soul to show for it. And what do I have? Not what I want, that's for sure.
"So feeling alive was good?" It must've been, right? 'Cos you wouldn't fall in love with someone if they made you feel something bad.
Okay, mental slap to self. Half of falling in love is the bad things you feel. Just look at me. Guilt. Grief. Loss. Impatience. Jealousy. And that was just with Angel. Add to that remorse, betrayal, fear, pain and doubt. Then you're getting part of the Spike mix. Funny, still seems worth it.
"God, do you ever shut up! Sorry, stupid of me. Course you do. Whenever I want you to talk I get the silent treatment. Funny how you find your tongue when I just want you to drop it. Bloody hilarious. Not gonna answer anymore questions, Slayer. I'm done holding my chest open for you. Get out."
Yep, there's the hurt, right on cue. He's pushed me away, toward the door. Oh, not hard, strangely gentle. But it's still a rejection.
But I'm not gonna go. Damn him for being right about me, all those times he called me a coward. Just gotta get over myself. Give him what he used to need. And hope he still wants.
"I know how that feels."
"What, still here? And not that it matters any more...but you know how what feels?" His back is to me again. His shoulders are shaking. Oh god, I made him cry! Can't think about that. Can't let it make me doubt, make me stop.
"When someone makes you feel alive. I pretty much hated it. But I needed it. And I know what it can do to you."
I risk moving toward him. Slowly Summers. Let him run if he wants to. Give him the choice.
"Don't want to hear about you and the poof right now. Or ever, truth be told."
He hasn't moved. If I reach out I can touch him. But not yet. Nearly time. Give it a few moments more. Once this is done...
"I'm not talking about Angel. He never raised me from the dead. He couldn't. Did you know that? When I died, the first time, he and Xander found me. And it was Xander who brought me back. That time. When it was still kinda easy. Neither of them were there when it was really hard, though."
He's stopped shaking. Now he's totally still. And not saying a word. Have you guessed yet, Spike? Do you know what's coming? Do you want it?
"Only one man was there when...when I was walking but still dead. There was only one person who loved me enough to make me live. Whether I wanted to or not. And I tried to hate him for that. Make him hurt because of it. I know I hurt you. But I couldn't hate you. I don't hate you, Spike."
Don't run, love. If I touch you now. Stay. Please.
"You made me feel alive, Spike. And you know what happens when you make someone feel that? You know what else it makes them feel, don't you?"
Why did I think this would be so hard? Why did I put off saying this? It's so easy. Not just 'cos it's true. I mean, c'mon, me? Truth? Sometimes kinda unmixy. No. It's 'cos I know I'm giving him something he wants. Finally, there's no doubts 'cos he's leaning into the touch of my hand. He's not running. Not stiff and cold. Whoever said vampires were cold to the touch didn't know Spike. Maybe it's 'cos Spike learnt how to be more. He became a man. A real boy.
"Do you know, Spike? Or do you want me to tell you?"
He lets out a huge sigh. He's breathing, I can feel it through my fingers. Still turned away from me but it's not a problem anymore.
"Tell me, Buffy." So quiet. So soft.
"It makes you feel love. You made me feel love."
His head has dropped forward. His breathing's faster, kinda rasping.
"God, you truly are an evil bint, Slayer. Either say it or leave me alone. Don't you know it's not nice to torture the already damned? Even if they deserve it."
I'm so light headed, giddy. I start to giggle and I've got this urge to tease him. 'Cos I know it's gonna be okay. And the relief has gone right to my head. Is this what magic felt like to Willow? Maybe now I get the attraction. But Spike's right. I can tease later.
"I love you." My fingers start to stroke the side of his neck. 'Cos he's mine now. "Wow, that was easier to say than I thought. Spike, I am in -"
It's kinda hard to speak when a vampire's got you pressed against a wall, mouth covering your face in wet kisses. My aunt used to have a cat that would lick your face if it liked you. This feels kinda the same.
Okay, so I'm lying. I never, ever felt this from being licked by Tiger.
And I'm laughing. Against his lips and his tongue. And he's laughing between whispers. He's promising and cursing and - praying? - and kissing me. Over and over. And begging.
"Yes, Spike, I mean it. I promise. I love you"
And I am so ready to take this further. But when I stop stroking his back and try and get touchy feely - hey, it's a nice ass, who wouldn't wanna grab it? - he backs away. Meanie. But he's smiling so I'm still happy. I think there's gonna be plenty of time to get grabby.
"Uh uh sweetness. Not that I don't appreciate the gesture. Loving it, point of fact. But this time we're gonna do everything right."
"So you're gonna take me on a date?"
I've gotta laugh again at the expressions on his face. Shock, horror, consideration, joy, all in three seconds flat. That's my Spike.
"Think we're past dates, don't you pet? Not saying we're going to stay in all the time. And you and me are going to be regulars at the Bronze. And anywhere else that'll have us on our nights off. But that's not what I was meaning. We - you and me - we're going to do right by each other. Not going to rush anything. Not gonna start shagging like desperate rabbits. We're going to go slow, be kind, be loving. Like I wanted it before. You alright with that?"
He still looks kinda scared behind the smile. Oh Spike, you were right when you said I did a number on you. And you're right now.
"That sounds good. Sounds nearly perfect." I can't stop touching him. Stroking his face and his arm. Making sure he's still there. Sight isn't enough to reassure me. Only feeling him does that.
"Nearly perfect?"
"Don't want to stop...feeling you. You might...you might disappear. Again."
Have you got any idea how amazing it feels when your favourite vamp holds you so close your feet leave the ground?
"Don't have to, baby. Didn't say I was letting you out of my sight. Didn't say I didn't want to touch you. You're not going anywhere." And he picks me up. Am I being swept off my feet or what?
When we get to the top of the stairs he kicks open a door and carries me to a bed. When he puts me down I start to take off my top but he stops me.
"Best not, luv. I want to do the right thing but there's only so much temptation a man can take."
Then he shoves me. Oh yeh, not coaxing, just pushing. Seems like he's feeling playful too. Do vampires have adrenaline? When he's got me where he wants me, lying down on the far side of the bed, he lies down next to me.
He's on his side looking at me, one hand stroking my face. He's forgotten something. C'mon Spike, we're nearly there. He's back to being able to read me. After a moment, he smiles.
"I love you too, pet. Same as ever. That what you wanted? Right. Now that's all sorted, it's time you and me got some shut-eye. Don't know about you, luv, but I'm bloody knackered."
Yeh, Spike. That's what I wanted. This is what I needed. And I'm so with you on the tired thing. It's okay to let go now. We can rest. It's good. It's all good.
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Like I said at the top of the chapter - that's all, folks. I've really enjoyed writing this - when RL hasn't been kicking my arse - and many, many apologies for the horrendous delay on getting this chapter out. It really didn't want to happen for a while there.
Lyrics were from Stupid Thing by Nickel and for those of you who don't know the song was used in the BtVS episode School Hard for the scene where Spike first sees Buffy. Gotta love a song with history LOL.
Many thanks to Trisha for her on-going support. And a special thanks to the guys at CW, especially Mia and the fiction and Brit chat crew.
I've had enough of the angst for now so the next one's (supposed to be) funny. It's called Bunny Be Mine and the first chapter will be posted in a couple of days. How's that for blatant self-promotion? Whatever. Thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to leave reviews over the last few months. Cheers!
Done Waiting - Chapter 12
I really never thought I'd be back here again. Home of bad memories and wistful thoughts. Can't be much better for Spike. Hell, it's probably worse. Maybe that's why he chose it.
When Willow shoved the paper in my hand and sent me on my Spike hunt, I didn't stop to check where I was going until I was halfway to his old crypt. Had a total 'duh' moment when I realised that I wouldn't need an address if that was where he was hiding. Automatic pilot had me nearly to the door before I stopped long enough to read where I should be heading. And the lack of light made it a bitch to read the faint writing. So I had to back track to the cemetery gates to find a street lamp. Geez, you'da thought with all the night time activity going on in Sunnydale's graveyards that someone would fix up a few street lamps. It'd sure make my job easier. But no, the no-brains that claim to run this town don't think that far. If they think at all. Which is kinda doubtful.
Anyway, when I finally got somewhere light enough for me to make out the address of Spike's new lair-sweet-lair I nearly turned round and went home. 'Cos like I said, what I remember of this place? Not of the good.
The mansion looks smaller than I recall. Guess it's all about that perspective thingy. It was a huge part of my life so it looked...well, huge. Now it's just a place I used to know. Not so big. Not so important. Still, if it wasn't for the bleached wonder I'd just have kept on avoiding this little part of old Sunny-D. Speaking of, time to stop musing and start knocking.
As I walk up to the door I can hear music. It's kinda familiar but no way would I associate it with Spike. Doesn't sound like his cup-of-blood. Too angsty teen? Too mournful lost love? Okay, maybe it suits him after all. But I still can't place it.
*-from falling to my knees. One step away -*
Something about it makes me wanna dance. I can feel my hips starting to sway. I know I've done this before. Not the knocking on Spike's front door, 'cos manners aren't something I've used with my vamp punching bag. More likely to slam my way in and make demands. Which last year would end with Spike slamming...
Bad thoughts. Shouldn't go there.
The music is really starting to get to me. Wish I could place it. It's not that I don't like it... I just don't get it. It's another of those not- Spike things that Spike is suddenly full of. Only I don't really know how not-Spike they are 'cos I've realised that I don't know him. I didn't want to. So let's add another item to the bags I'm taking with me on my guilt trip. I'm just glad when the song stops and I finally feel free to hammer on the door. Only it's more of a gentle tap. 'Cos I'm not sure what I'm gonna say when he answers. 'I love you' seems kinda abrupt. And really, really scary.
*-stupid thing last night. I called you A moment of weakness. No, not a moment -*
Christ, it's that same song! Has he got the damn thing on repeat, or what? So not only have I got to think fast about what I'm gonna say, I've also gotta knock loud enough to be heard over the song that wouldn't end. Just great.
Well, a frustrated Slayer is a loud Slayer. Without thinking I've reacted to being pissed off by whaling on the door. So now I'm standing here, startled, fist raised in front of me, as I hear the sounds of pounded wood echoing back at me. Geez, Summers, talk about waking the dead! Way to go.
Under the sound of that damn song and the echo of my knock, I can hear footsteps. Which is a shock 'cos Spike's usually all with the stealth. Nearly scared the life outta me more than once with his creeping up on silent feet. Not that I'd tell him that, what with the Slayer senses that are supposed to warn me long before he gets close. Just that sometimes they, well, don't work. Okay, they work. I just get caught up in thinking bout stuff and ignore them. And that's something no-one gets to know. Giles would go ape. It's not like it's my fault I have a lot of things on my mind. Like now. Which is why I didn't hear the door open.
And suddenly Spike is standing in front of me. I know it's only been a couple of hours since I last saw him but it feels like forever. Is this what it used to be like for him? Is this why he used to hang out under my tree all night? I think I get it now. I'd wait days for a glimpse of him. And just look at him now. I guess he was settling down for the night, er, day. 'Cos his shirt is open all the way down and his hair is all messy like he's just got up. Yummy. He's leaning against the door frame, one hand still on the door, his head tilted down and to the side so it's like he's looking up at me. And his eyes...his eyes...
"Slayer. Right, it better be in the sewers or something like, else I'm gonna be bugger all help. What's required? Axe? Sword? Or a combination?"
"Huh?"
"What's the weapon of choice?"
"Weapon?"
Did I miss something? 'Cos I swear there was no lead in. I know I was kinda out of it but I'm sure I didn't miss anything he said. And my brain isn't coping too well with the figuring out 'cos not only are the words not making sense but all I can see is Spike's naked chest. A girl just doesn't need these distractions.
"Buffy?" Ooo, he sounds kinda...worried. He's worried about me. That's so sweet. And I can't help looking up and smiling.
"You've got really nice eyes. All blue and...blue. Except the black part." Shit, said that out loud.
"Right. So it's some sort of hypnotic beastie is it?"
"Huh?" Well done, Buff. Back to the single syllable vocab. Willow would be so proud.
"The beastie. Works some kind of mojo, does it? Got to say, I'm surprised Red let you out by yourself considering the state of you. Should've called. After all, that's why I left my number. What's she thinking, letting you wander about all alone when some bugger's played tic-tac-toe with your brain cells." He's looking over my shoulder as if he expects to see someone, or something, else behind me. Okay, still not sure what he's talking about but I can deal.
"Phone number" is all I manage as I wave the bit of paper in the air. Now the worried look is a bit closer to panic.
He leans toward me, looking into my eyes. It reminds me of how he'd act just before he'd try to kiss me. Just before I'd push him away. Gentle kisses weren't allowed. But if that's where he's heading now there's no way I'm gonna stop him.
"Let's get you inside, pet. I'll call Red and see what the Hell's going on. After I've got you settled. C'mon, Buffy, I know you can move else you wouldn't have been able to get here. Buffy? C'mon pet, put one foot in front of the other." And he takes my arm to start leading me into the mansion.
No kissage then. Not much of a surprise after earlier. But a girl lives in hope. Weird, huh? Used to be Spike doing all the hoping. I really should try to say something. Something that actually makes sense.
"What are you talking about, Spike?" Nice, subtle re-entry into the world of the coherent.
I really should've waited till we got through the door 'cos now he's let go of my arm. And he's blocking my way in.
"Alright, what the hell is going on here! Are we going demon kicking or what? And why where you hammering on my door and standing out there like some sort of bleedin' zombie? You were almost catatonic, you stupid bint!" Wow, he can go from concerned to pissed in two seconds flat. Which is not good news for me. He doesn't look receptive to a declaration of undying affection. In fact he just looks like he's thinking about ripping my head off. Oops.
"I need to tell you something" Okay, heading along the right lines.
Spike looks at me for a moment then steps back. Good, he's letting me in. So why has he put his hand up to stop me?
"Buffy, go home. And tell Red her invitation just got revoked." He's closing the door! Uh uh, mister. No way are you stopping me this time. As he's not slamming the door my foot shouldn't get broken now that I've put it in the way.
"Spike -"
"No! No more talking. It doesn't help either of us. Or are you too damned stupid to realise that? Please, Buffy, just leave me in peace. I just wanna rest, alright? Come back when you need a hand with the next Big Bad and not before. Else I'm going to have to move again and I really can't be doing with it. Oh, and I'll take this. Don't need you phoning all hours either." And with that he snatches the piece of paper out of my hand and starts trying to gently push me out of the doorway.
"Please. I don't have to come in. I mean, I'd like to but... And I promise I won't come back or call or anything. Unless there's some uber nastie that I need your help dealing with. And don't blame Will. Okay, so she told me where you were. And she made me come over but...er...dammit. Just a couple of moments. I just need to figure out how to put this. And you can't send me home yet 'cos Willow will be so pissed with me if I don't do this. I mean, really. And have you any idea how rough it is sharing house and home with a cranky witch? Mucho badness. Herbs end up in the wrong places and it's just icky. Totally. So, ummm, you see how it is." I know I'm using puppy dog eyes and I'm ashamed of myself. Really. Okay, not so much. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
Just gotta pray it works. Please, oh rulers of the universe, make Spike play nice.
I can hear a low growl coming from Spike's throat and he's tilted his head back. I'd think he was looking at the ceiling only his eyes are closed. Does Spike pray? He's muttering something. Oh, 'give me strength!' - I guess that's a kind of prayer, right? Whatever, as long as he doesn't send me away.
"Right, you've got two minutes. And you're not coming in. Whatever you've got to say can be said on the doorstep. And your countdown's started so you'd better get on with it." Huh? Crap. My mind's gone kinda blank. All I can think of is 'tick, tick, tick' which is so not of the helpful.
And he's looking at me, not a trace of warmth in his eyes. I got so used to the soft light there and it's gone. I drove it away.
"One minute. If you're not going to say anything just nod and I'll get back to what I was doing before you so rudely interrupted."
"I forgive you." Okaaayyyy, where did that come from?
But it got a reaction. Have you ever seen a stunned vamp? How many times have I seen that expression tonight? And how quickly he goes from stunned to angry. Totally amazing.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been taken over by pod people? 'Cos you are not Buffy Summers. You cannot stand there and say that, d'you hear? You bloody can't. No. Don't you dare. I'm not having you crying on my doorstep. Stop it! Arrrrggghhhh!" Until he said it I didn't even realise the tears were falling. Put it down to not enough sleep and way too much stress. That, and being miserable as all get out. And why does he have to yell? Now I can't stop! Big meanie.
"S...s...s...sorry. *sniff* I...I...I *sob* Sp...Sp...Spike!" Ack, it feels like my face is melting. And I hate having to use my sleeve to wipe my eyes. Not that it's helping 'cos I still can't stop and all I've got is a soggy sleeve. And probably a red nose and eyes. And if he didn't want me before, he's gonna take one look now at Buffy the Snot Monster and run screaming. I'm ugly!
"Shhh, pet. You'll never be ugly. Just not possible. C'mon, sorry I yelled an' all. See, you can come in and I'll sit you down and we'll get this all sorted." How come he's all nice now! And why did he only understand the ugly bit? Which I totally didn't mean to say out loud. And he's letting me in. He's so sweet. And sometimes he's cute. And sometimes cuddly. And I'm such a...a mess! He's being so nice to me, all of a sudden.
"Nothing sudden, sweet."
What is it with me and the saying of things out loud? No, Summers, not thinking time, listening time.
"Always wanted to be nice. Not what you wanted though, was it? But no point raking up old history. Not the time. Mind you, probably the right place. What's this all about then? Can't have you wandering the streets of Sunnyhell all sniffling and whatnot. Probably can't even see where you're going. Some bugger'll take a right big chunk out of you in this state. God, I'm such a wanker. A few tears and all my good intentions go straight out the window. Mind, you're a piece of work yourself. Turning up like this, all monosyllabic, then turning on the waterworks. Not playing fair, Summers. Bloke doesn't stand a chance. Right, you comfy? Wanna drink of something? All that leaking you're doing must be drying you out. I'll go see what I've got in this morgue of mine."
How did I get from the door to the couch? It's a blank. But a good one 'cos Spike's taking care of me. I like that. Forgot how good it felt. Forgot he could do that. But where's he going?
"Don't go!"
"S'alright, luv. Was just going to fetch you a little something to wet your whistle. But if you don't want it, not a problem. I'll just sit here, alright?" He's sitting next to me and I want to snuggle up against him but I learnt my lesson earlier.
We sit in silence - for all of ten seconds. Then that song starts up. Again!
"Jeez, Spike! How many repeats is this thing on? It's gone through - what? - five plays since I got here. And why this song? I mean, it's okay. Or it was the first two times. But you know what? Not really worth repeated listening." I'm tempted to get up and turn the damn player off. But that would mean moving and the only place I want to move is closer to Spike.
Then I worry that Spike's gonna move and turn off the music 'cos I complained. Should've kept my mouth shut. After a few moments his silence and stillness makes me stop worrying. Until I realise that silence and stillness are even more not-Spike than the music. I'm not sure how but I think I might've screwed up again. Nice to know I'm consistent.
"As it's already been a night for telling tales of the deep an' dark corners of my psyche, I reckon I might as well continue." As he runs his hand through his hair I can't help thinking I wish his fingers were mine. I can almost feel the curls against my skin. Bad Buffy! Talk time, not lust time.
"To be bloody honest, I hate this song. It's sodding awful. So you could say I'm doing a bit of self-mutilation on the old eardrums. Happens now and then."
He takes a deep breath and for a moment I think he's gonna stand up and start pacing. But he just sighs and continues.
"I've known three Slayers. Intimately. Two 'cos you don't get much more bloody intimate than death. And the other being you. No surprise there. And I've got a little tie to all of them. First one, still got a bit of her inside me, even after all this time. Second, well, I've already 'fessed up about the coat. And third, this god awful song. Course, the soul 's gonna be a handy little reminder of your charms from now on but I'm still getting used to the sodding thing. Thought I'd go with something a little more familiar. So there you go. If you don't like it, feel free to leave."
Okay, colour me confused! Not that he knows I'm not quite there on this one 'cos he did the whole explaino rant looking away from me. I thought the song was familiar but the more I think about it the more sure I am that I've never played it or owned it or whatever. So what's the what?
"Right. Okay. With you, kinda. A bit freaked but I did wonder if you had any more momentos. And really coulda done without the other Slayer. I mean, eeewww. Yep, all with the 'Spike's a killer' thing and it being totally not of the good. So I get it, really didn't need the details. But I gotta ask. Why this song? I don't even know it."
"Didn't say you did, Slayer. Just said it was my tie to you. I could hear it anywhere in the world, just a couple of notes, and I'd see you. In my mind. Not how you are now. Not how you were when we were shagging against any convenient hard surface. But how you were the first time I laid eyes on you. Christ, I remember thinking you'd be the easiest one yet. Too bloody young, too bloody clueless and so caught up in being a teenager you wouldn't stand a chance. Didn't notice much more at the time. Later on, when I realised I was royally fucked because I'd fallen for your precious self, I wondered if that's when it started. But it wasn't. You were just prey, then. To be taken out and celebrated as another victory."
He's still being not-Spike. It's starting to freak me out. Even more than what he's saying. He's too calm, too still. My Spike used to rant and pace and be a pain in the ass. This Spike...this Spike is like a ghost. God, I think I finally found the way to use words. 'Cos I'm thinking that sometime during the beatings and the sex and the denial, I slayed him and didn't notice. And now he's gonna haunt me. By not being there. Okay, so kinda making with the sense that isn't here but...doesn't mean I can't go into mourning. Wonder if Will's got a spell that can raise the dead when they're still walking? Dammit, Spike, stop sitting there like a freakin' stone. Be my Spike, the undead guy who couldn't stay still for two minutes straight.
But at least he's breaking the silence.
"My third Slayer in the bag. That's what I thought, watching you. Oh, I got hard. Had a fine old time with Dru that night. But it was the anticipation of the fight. The thought of your sweet, hot blood running down my throat. I was sporting wood for days just thinking about your death. It was supposed to be easy. Took a while for me to learn there's nothing easy about you. That night I watched you. Saw you dancing with the dynamic duo. Didn't think you'd be around long enough for me to get anything decent by way of a reminder. Knew there'd be no knickknacks or garments I'd want. You weren't really my style, so to speak. Was gonna drink you but blood was my thing from the first Slayer. Needed something different for you. That's when I decided it had to be something from that first moment, something that let me feel all that anticipation again and again. Something that would in no way be connected to anything else."
And now he moves. Now I can see that energy under the surface that used to let me pretend I was making out with someone alive. It's in every muscle. I can see the tension in his back as he walks away. Still looking calm. Still not looking at me. Just doesn't want to be near me, I guess.
"So after you dusted that ponce and we had our little introduction and I promised you death, I went and found the band that'd been playing. Asked for a demo tape. Talked up how much I liked their style. Practised a bit of the old charm. Then had them for dinner. It was meant to be something to relish, now it's the soundtrack to my being eternally fucked over. Started listening to it that summer you were gone, trying to recall how vibrant you'd been. How you glowed, even before I knew your name. When you came back I hid it away again but only until I realised you weren't really there, so I still needed to hear it to picture you happy. Now. God, now it's part of my atonement. The proof I wanted you dead, that I was evil. Huh. Wouldn't think I needed a reminder, would you? But I do need it. Got to be clear that I came to this pissant town to hurt you. And that's all I ever managed to do."
No, it wasn't you! You tried to help. I was the one going round hitting and scratching. I wanted to hurt me but I hurt you even more. How do I get you to see that? You're supposed to see through me, so how come you still think you're to blame?
"D'you mind?"
Huh? Mind what? That I've totally fucked up or that you're gonna let it be your fault?
Then I realise he's holding his lighter up, a cigarette in his mouth. My Spike never asked if I minded him smoking. Maybe I should ask if I can have one too. If I'm gonna feel guilty I might as well have a bad habit to feel guilty about. Not like anything else is an issue. Yeah, and I'm gonna start up the Drusilla fan club.
"You feeling a bit calmer, pet? 'Cos after my little revelation, I'm feeling a tad knackered. Been a long night and I'd like to get some sleep. So, any chance of you buggering off in the near future?" I guess he took my silence as an okay 'cos he's taking drags on his cigarette. His cheekbones stand out as he inhales. He's facing me, looking straight at me for the first time since he started his history lesson. But I can't read his face. And not just 'cos of the smoke in the way. It used to be so easy. Maybe because he never felt the need to hide. He seems real good at hiding now.
Dammit, when I didn't want to know that you could think and feel as much as, if not more than, everyone...human, I couldn't escape it. Now, when I want...need to know what you're thinking, you won't let me. Spike, what am I gonna do?
"Buffy, stop zoning out on me. You're alright. No damage done. So will you please just leave?"
Spike seems to have a thing for grabbing my arm tonight. 'Cos he's just got hold of me again and started pulling me up off the couch. Looks like I'm leaving.
"You're wrong. You are so wrong. I'm not alright. I can't leave. Not yet. There's so much damage, Spike, and it's all my fault. Forgive me?"
"I told you before not to talk about forgiveness, Slayer."
"But I have to. I need you to forgive me. Whatever you think. Can't you do that? Give me that?" I can't read his face. Gotta hope he can read mine.
"Not playing fair, girl. I'd give you anything you bloody asked for, you know that. As long as it wouldn't cause you more pain. There's nothing to forgive, alright? If you're so sodding sure that you need my forgiveness, then you've got it. Just don't expect me to understand what it's supposed to be for. Happy now?"
God, no. But praying I'll get there.
"Is that it? You done now? You did what Red wanted - and her invitation's still revoked before you ask - so it's time to toddle off and leave this vamp to punishing his eardrums."
His grip on my arm tightens and he's pulling me out of the room. Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't think of anything to say. I've got my 'forgiveness' but guess it didn't include an extension on my deadline. Jeez, I've had teachers who were more flexible. I know I've gotta stall, give myself a couple of moments to get my head together. So I can do what I came here for.
"Why did you love me?"
Well, we've stopped moving so I guess it worked. But really don't want to see his face. 'Cos now he's holding my arm so tight I think he's cut off the circulation. My fingers are all tingly. And it's not the good - or bad - tingle I usually associate with Spike. This is gonna be painful, in oh so many ways.
"You made me feel alive, y'know that? Reminded me what living is. It's waiting. Always waiting for something. Hoping that if you're patient, if you give it time, then you'll get what you want. Spent a lot of time waiting for you. It's the opposite of being a vampire. Being dead. Because then...then you never wait for anything. You want it, you take it. Nothing is out of your reach 'cos there's nothing you want that you can't have. Don't want love, not in the same way. Don't want fucking kindness, that's for sure. Just want to destroy and devour. You made me want something more and you made me wait for it."
Want. Take. Have.
Huh. Now why does that sound familiar? Oh Spike, I so know what you're saying. And I remember being dead. Really dead. Everything I wanted was there. No waiting. It was...well, heaven. And when I came back and I was still dead, I just took. I took you and everything you offered. No waiting, no love, no kindness. Yep, guess you were right when you said we were the same. Funny that you found out how to live before I did. That you've got a soul to show for it. And what do I have? Not what I want, that's for sure.
"So feeling alive was good?" It must've been, right? 'Cos you wouldn't fall in love with someone if they made you feel something bad.
Okay, mental slap to self. Half of falling in love is the bad things you feel. Just look at me. Guilt. Grief. Loss. Impatience. Jealousy. And that was just with Angel. Add to that remorse, betrayal, fear, pain and doubt. Then you're getting part of the Spike mix. Funny, still seems worth it.
"God, do you ever shut up! Sorry, stupid of me. Course you do. Whenever I want you to talk I get the silent treatment. Funny how you find your tongue when I just want you to drop it. Bloody hilarious. Not gonna answer anymore questions, Slayer. I'm done holding my chest open for you. Get out."
Yep, there's the hurt, right on cue. He's pushed me away, toward the door. Oh, not hard, strangely gentle. But it's still a rejection.
But I'm not gonna go. Damn him for being right about me, all those times he called me a coward. Just gotta get over myself. Give him what he used to need. And hope he still wants.
"I know how that feels."
"What, still here? And not that it matters any more...but you know how what feels?" His back is to me again. His shoulders are shaking. Oh god, I made him cry! Can't think about that. Can't let it make me doubt, make me stop.
"When someone makes you feel alive. I pretty much hated it. But I needed it. And I know what it can do to you."
I risk moving toward him. Slowly Summers. Let him run if he wants to. Give him the choice.
"Don't want to hear about you and the poof right now. Or ever, truth be told."
He hasn't moved. If I reach out I can touch him. But not yet. Nearly time. Give it a few moments more. Once this is done...
"I'm not talking about Angel. He never raised me from the dead. He couldn't. Did you know that? When I died, the first time, he and Xander found me. And it was Xander who brought me back. That time. When it was still kinda easy. Neither of them were there when it was really hard, though."
He's stopped shaking. Now he's totally still. And not saying a word. Have you guessed yet, Spike? Do you know what's coming? Do you want it?
"Only one man was there when...when I was walking but still dead. There was only one person who loved me enough to make me live. Whether I wanted to or not. And I tried to hate him for that. Make him hurt because of it. I know I hurt you. But I couldn't hate you. I don't hate you, Spike."
Don't run, love. If I touch you now. Stay. Please.
"You made me feel alive, Spike. And you know what happens when you make someone feel that? You know what else it makes them feel, don't you?"
Why did I think this would be so hard? Why did I put off saying this? It's so easy. Not just 'cos it's true. I mean, c'mon, me? Truth? Sometimes kinda unmixy. No. It's 'cos I know I'm giving him something he wants. Finally, there's no doubts 'cos he's leaning into the touch of my hand. He's not running. Not stiff and cold. Whoever said vampires were cold to the touch didn't know Spike. Maybe it's 'cos Spike learnt how to be more. He became a man. A real boy.
"Do you know, Spike? Or do you want me to tell you?"
He lets out a huge sigh. He's breathing, I can feel it through my fingers. Still turned away from me but it's not a problem anymore.
"Tell me, Buffy." So quiet. So soft.
"It makes you feel love. You made me feel love."
His head has dropped forward. His breathing's faster, kinda rasping.
"God, you truly are an evil bint, Slayer. Either say it or leave me alone. Don't you know it's not nice to torture the already damned? Even if they deserve it."
I'm so light headed, giddy. I start to giggle and I've got this urge to tease him. 'Cos I know it's gonna be okay. And the relief has gone right to my head. Is this what magic felt like to Willow? Maybe now I get the attraction. But Spike's right. I can tease later.
"I love you." My fingers start to stroke the side of his neck. 'Cos he's mine now. "Wow, that was easier to say than I thought. Spike, I am in -"
It's kinda hard to speak when a vampire's got you pressed against a wall, mouth covering your face in wet kisses. My aunt used to have a cat that would lick your face if it liked you. This feels kinda the same.
Okay, so I'm lying. I never, ever felt this from being licked by Tiger.
And I'm laughing. Against his lips and his tongue. And he's laughing between whispers. He's promising and cursing and - praying? - and kissing me. Over and over. And begging.
"Yes, Spike, I mean it. I promise. I love you"
And I am so ready to take this further. But when I stop stroking his back and try and get touchy feely - hey, it's a nice ass, who wouldn't wanna grab it? - he backs away. Meanie. But he's smiling so I'm still happy. I think there's gonna be plenty of time to get grabby.
"Uh uh sweetness. Not that I don't appreciate the gesture. Loving it, point of fact. But this time we're gonna do everything right."
"So you're gonna take me on a date?"
I've gotta laugh again at the expressions on his face. Shock, horror, consideration, joy, all in three seconds flat. That's my Spike.
"Think we're past dates, don't you pet? Not saying we're going to stay in all the time. And you and me are going to be regulars at the Bronze. And anywhere else that'll have us on our nights off. But that's not what I was meaning. We - you and me - we're going to do right by each other. Not going to rush anything. Not gonna start shagging like desperate rabbits. We're going to go slow, be kind, be loving. Like I wanted it before. You alright with that?"
He still looks kinda scared behind the smile. Oh Spike, you were right when you said I did a number on you. And you're right now.
"That sounds good. Sounds nearly perfect." I can't stop touching him. Stroking his face and his arm. Making sure he's still there. Sight isn't enough to reassure me. Only feeling him does that.
"Nearly perfect?"
"Don't want to stop...feeling you. You might...you might disappear. Again."
Have you got any idea how amazing it feels when your favourite vamp holds you so close your feet leave the ground?
"Don't have to, baby. Didn't say I was letting you out of my sight. Didn't say I didn't want to touch you. You're not going anywhere." And he picks me up. Am I being swept off my feet or what?
When we get to the top of the stairs he kicks open a door and carries me to a bed. When he puts me down I start to take off my top but he stops me.
"Best not, luv. I want to do the right thing but there's only so much temptation a man can take."
Then he shoves me. Oh yeh, not coaxing, just pushing. Seems like he's feeling playful too. Do vampires have adrenaline? When he's got me where he wants me, lying down on the far side of the bed, he lies down next to me.
He's on his side looking at me, one hand stroking my face. He's forgotten something. C'mon Spike, we're nearly there. He's back to being able to read me. After a moment, he smiles.
"I love you too, pet. Same as ever. That what you wanted? Right. Now that's all sorted, it's time you and me got some shut-eye. Don't know about you, luv, but I'm bloody knackered."
Yeh, Spike. That's what I wanted. This is what I needed. And I'm so with you on the tired thing. It's okay to let go now. We can rest. It's good. It's all good.
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Like I said at the top of the chapter - that's all, folks. I've really enjoyed writing this - when RL hasn't been kicking my arse - and many, many apologies for the horrendous delay on getting this chapter out. It really didn't want to happen for a while there.
Lyrics were from Stupid Thing by Nickel and for those of you who don't know the song was used in the BtVS episode School Hard for the scene where Spike first sees Buffy. Gotta love a song with history LOL.
Many thanks to Trisha for her on-going support. And a special thanks to the guys at CW, especially Mia and the fiction and Brit chat crew.
I've had enough of the angst for now so the next one's (supposed to be) funny. It's called Bunny Be Mine and the first chapter will be posted in a couple of days. How's that for blatant self-promotion? Whatever. Thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to leave reviews over the last few months. Cheers!
